Oh Ginger Staal.  It’s too bad you’re the only Staal I’ll never like because I would like to like you.

(Crank the volume on this one.)

“Don’t pick a chain restaurant. ”  Bahahaha.  Marc, you’re alright for a Ranger.

Here’s a longer/better version of the outtakes, where Ryan McDonagh gets direction on how to use his eyebrows.  Which are also, er… what was I saying?  I hate the Rangers?  Right.  I do.  But come on:

How does neither of these guys have a Foxy Friday?  We have featured at least 4 Rangers (Cally, Hank, Girardi, Boyle) and only one – maybe two – of those guys is better looking than MStaal or Ryan’s eyebrows.  I’m not going to write it myself or anything insane, but even I’ll admit this makes no sense.

Welcome to #Ryantown.

For heaven’s sake, I went to tag this post and Ryan McDonagh’s name doesn’t even pop up.  We have never once mentioned him?!

Here’s the second Rangers ad, in which I become convinced Sad Brad has a sense of humor, because he must have agreed to be picked on.

This campaign promises more ads to come. For now, some of us need to step away from the blog before we do something crazy.

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.

First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.

Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.

The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.

Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).

The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.

Instagram

The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

Jared Staal will make his NHL debut tonight with the Hurricanes.  That means Eric, Jordan and Jared will all be on the ice!  Marc, who’s still recovering from an eye injury and the subsequent “I told you so!” of Mama Staal, made the trip with the Rangers.  Trust he’ll be looking all ginger in the press box.

Your LL Bean Boyfriend just ran for the hills.

Jared has been playing for the AHL’s Charlotte Checkers.  he only has 3 G/3A in 37 games this season, but who cares?  The Canes aren’t making the playoffs and this is a much better story.  Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be my Favorite Staal of All, based solely on these two graphics:

The real question: What is Jared going to wear on his jersey?  We already have a J. Staal.  Will he wear Ja. Staal?  J. Staal 2.0?  Jared wears #22 in Charlotte, but Zac Dalpe wears it in Raleigh.

Both 10 and 13 are open though – then he could line up numerically with his brothers and we’ll do a segment for Sesame Street, brought to you by sod.

Correction: 10 is retired by the Canes, as pointed out by @ericmac20.  As soon as he said it, I thought, “Ron Francis!” My mistake.  That I would forget a former Penguin from back-to-back Cup winning teams, who scored a Cup-clinching goal – sheesh.  It’s like 50 First Dates in here.  (Also, Jared will wear #34.  Thanks for nothing, kid.)

How Canada sells t-shirts.

I’m telling you, when aliens come to Earth and immediately try to contact the dominant species, they’re going right for the Staals.

Jared will need a nickname to join JStaal (Favorite Staal), EStaal (2nd Favorite Staal) and Ginger Stall (or Cinnamon Staal).  Who’s got suggestions?

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

We love (OK, worship) our NHL team captains. But in life, it’s rare that a “C” should outrank an “A.”

To keep the status quo, this week we salute one NHL alternate captain from each remaining playoff team. These men are first in our books — leading by example on and off the ice, above and below the chinstrap.

Here are our top marks for how “A” beard should look.

Check out the rest [HERE]

Matt Greene’s bears. So blond, it glows.

You can see all the photos here.  But you can’t handle it. (Oh wait, that’s us.)

Ginger Staal got married over the weekend, hence the festivities.  The Staal Bros are going fast, ladies. 

You can totally see Jordan in the middle taking control and slapping Eric and Marc around. But they hold their own for a bit and Marc totally comes back for more after being dropped a few times! He’s got scrapper written all over him!

The others are too young to get involved or too scared of Jordan to get their butts bitten! Am I missing any?

It was 1-0 Rangers with just 2:31 remaining in regulation when Chris Kunitz scored.  Kris Letang leaped on him like a lizard – it was adorable.  1-1 tie, whooping in my living room.

FREE HUGS!

38 seconds later, Matt Cooke scored to make it 2-1 Penguins with under two minutes to go.  Pants pandemonium. Lundqvist broke his stick over the crossbar, then took a penalty for chucking it down the ice.  Not very Swedish. (The call was “unsportsmanlike conduct” and Avery served it.  Irony?)

If you can't duct it, chuck it.

So the Rangers were shorthanded, but had 5 skaters because they pulled the goalie.  And then he struck:  Ginger Staal.  Marc Staal scored a shorty with 26 seconds on the clock and sent the game to overtime.  You are dropping to be my 4th favorite Staal behind your little brother Jared who I’ve never even seen.  Maybe behind your mom.

That's it, 5th place for you MStaaaaaaaal.

Ryan Callahan completed his Gordie How hat trick with an absolutely indefensible goal and the Rangers won.  Poor Flower.  The Pens were really strong the whole game, with a total of 39 shots on goal, but couldn’t squeak it by.  UGH.  And Callahan’s goal was a killer.

Nothing you can do here.

You can watch the high/lowlight reel here.  It’s pretty painful unless you’re NYR Fan Stephanie Marino.  Steph and I are going to see Penguins @ Rangers on 11/29 during our East Coast Swing, and I shall have my revenge.  On my watch, no one gets to make Flower look this sad.

Don't worry, MAF, we'll get it back.

1) Penguin’s forward Jordan Staal will miss the start of the regular season after another surgery to clear up the infection in his foot. Listen Gronk, get back in the lineup by November 5 because I am not flying to Anaheim just to look at Crosby.  I paid a whole 5,000 Virgin America miles for this 1-hour trip, so I’m really doing my part.  Meet me halfway.  (Just in case you’re not better, I do have an extra ticket.  Because sitting in the box is boring.)

2) Rumors abound that Brian Gionta will be named Montreal Canadiens captain during training camp.  All together now: “BOOOOOOO.”  Even being from Upstate NY is not enough to make up for going to Boston College.

3) My 3rd favorite Staal, Marc, got a 5 year contract with the Rangers.  More on why this is important (to me) later.

4)  Phoenix’s Paul “BizNasty” Bissonnette debuted his Asian Reference Roulette on Twitter.  He took a Korean girl on a date, then made a sushi comment and a won ton joke.  I bet his favorite part of Rush Hour 3 is when Chris Tucker tells Jackie Chan, “All y’all look alike!”  The only thing better than his Tourette Syndrome is his spelling – he reported that no “wahn tahn panty soup” was made.  Then he posted the girl’s Twitter and asked everyone to follow her, but make no Asian jokes.  This guy is GOLD.

5) Finally, Ovechkin took the ice for the first time with the Caps this season, then talked about it.  Basically he partied every night, all summer, and still plans to dominate the NHL with a single massive paw.  If you’re lucky, you get the Caps Convention promo with Varlamov cackling at the start of the video.  Over to you, Dawn.

BONUS) Mike Green video! I haven’t watched it yet – but he’s wearing a gold chain.  What’s NOT to like about this guy?!

More notes: Ottawa will host the 2012 All-Star Game, Bobby Ryan got a 5-year deal with the Ducks, San Jose Sharks pre-sale tickets available today (code: TWSHK).