WHEN I WIN, you mean?  Well, not with money left over for daily foot massages and a new Nealmobile.  Instead I’d start my own hockey league (small, I don’t need a lot of teams) and fill it with all this top talent hanging around backyard rinks and acting bored on Twitter.  My All-Star Game skills competition would include Strip Shootout and Bachelor Auction contests.

We’d give out a Cuisinart Griddler as the championship trophy and the winning team would make me paninis all summer long.

Duh, Dad.

When I win, I’ll take the annual payments which will total $331.25 million after 30 years (in Maryland).  The immediate cash payout would be $216 million.  Right, like I’d give away $115+ million because I’m in a hurry to get more money than I could ever spend.   Or could I?  My dad’s point is that $216 million walking out the door could buy…

From Forbes NHL Team Valuations

According to sources like CBC’s Elliotte Friedman (cited by Puck Daddy, of course), teams whose owners are “hardliners” likely in support of the current lockout probably include Anaheim, Columbus, Florida, the Islanders, Phoenix, St. Louis, Washington and Dallas.

Let’s look at that again:

With $216 million, I could still only buy one NHL team.  It wouldn’t be enough to turn the tables.  Plus, if I use NHL math (or buy a team like Phoenix, sorry), I might as well be throwing my money out the window because everyone’s going broke.  They’re opening their Gringott’s vaults to find them empty.  They’re sleeping head-to-toe like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory just to keep warm.

If I had a guaranteed $331 million coming, that’s some serious collateral.  Even if I only leveraged it dollar-for-dollar, someone would lend me the total.  Now I’m looking at:

My picture would be prettier, but I’d still only have one team.  Even if that team was the Penguins and I had all their pockets custom-made to be really tiny.

I’ve used this photo before, and I’ll use it again. DAMN.

It would grant more power to instead buy two highlighted teams from the first list.  Bettman only needs 8 of the 30 owners to back him and he can veto any deal presented by the NHLPA.  If you owned two of the theoretically dissenting eight teams, you could knock that total down to six and maybe get this show on the road.

Hint: Don’t buy the Coyotes.

I love you, Kohl’s!  More sports & teams banks here.

WUYS Financial suggests the St. Louis  Blues – they can win, as they showed last season.  Their middle American market supports other major sports franchises but wouldn’t force them to compete with an NBA team.  Then buy the Islanders, maybe.  The Tavares line makes us weep goal-scoring tears, and Brooklyn in 2015 could really reinvigorate them.  Play well and market right,  NYC loves a good cross-borough rivalry.  Hipster glasses and skinny jeans required for post-game interviews.

Looks like Will Ferrel in Semi-Pro to me.

The moral of the story is that I wouldn’t do it, even if I could.  But I’d still share with you guys.  We’d throw a big Vegas hockey tournament and you could each coach your fantasy hockey teams in real-life action!  My entire fortune would probably just cover the bar tab.

That is what separates me from Rick Nash.

While I am left here to wallow in my ever increasing depression over the state of the NHL, Rick is over in Switzerland just having a grand ole time.

He’s climbing the Alps and making snowmen with Joe Thornton.

He’s looking impossibly adorable in a ridiculous uniform.  What is that logo on his hockey pants?  Is that the castle from Super Mario Brothers?

Power up!

He’s scoring hat tricks. Like a boss.

He’s rocking some flow that makes me feel all those feels.

Come back, NHL. Come back, Rick Nash.

I miss you.

You can read all about the depressing turndowns of the NHL and NHPLA competing offers at yesterday’s meetings in Toronto.  I have seen enough.

The NHL took a swing at the PR tide by announcing a 50/50 offer to the NHLPA.  It’s a smart move – 50/50 is like Buy One, Get One or the difference between $999 and $1000.  In your mind, it automatically sounds like a great deal.  Half of us would already be out the door with a second pair of shoes.

Alas, there were no new shoes.  The deal wasn’t really 50/50, or no one knows what 50/50 means, and the NHLPA said they’d take an honest split so long as it honored existing contracts that may or may not have been signed originally during escrow so the value was changeable anyway.  Got all that?  Me neither.

Recommended reading: Bleacher Report, SB Nation and Puck Daddy.

It simply means there is still no hockey.  Maybe we’re closer – at least they both said 50/50 in the same day.  Maybe not, and Sid and Jon will now spend their unemployment with the Secret Service.  It’s closer than Europe.

Wow, they are pissed.  Me too!  But I look like a Furby and they look like:

They make this look good. 

It’s a little scary.

Still, don’t you get the feeling they could save the day, if only you’ll trust them?

Spandex suits would be convincing.

Let’s consider for a moment that you will never win an argument with Jonathan Toews.  If your Orangina leaves a ring on his fancy coffee table, Jon will NEVER forget about it.  He will look at the stain, then look at you with this disappointment and heartache for eternity.

No really, he’s mad.

Don’t expect any help from Jon’s mom, she always liked Sidney better than you. [link]  Frankly, we cannot blame her.

Poor Sid.  He’s spending the lockout laughing a Giroux, grocery shopping and building his new house. [link]  We’ve spent the lockout wondering if he has those rainfall showers.  Those are amazing.

In all seriousness (about the shower), this breaks my heart.  It wounded me when he missed time, resurrected me with his comeback and then killed me when he had to sit.  Now that he’s back… damn it, Universe.  Just let him play already!

You can’t stop the Sidney.

What do we do now?  The same thing we do everyday.  Try to take over the world.  A world in which Bettman works the graveyard shift at Taco Bell, but they’re out of the Dorito tacos and it’s non-stop verbal abuse from hooligan kids and drunks walking up to the drive-thru. (My hatred gets specific.)

A world in which this is every day:

 Hawks alumni to play charity game on 10/26 [link]

Except Sundays, which are saved for:

This girl shirt never stood a chance

Crosby considers European lockout alternatives… [link].

And we’re not the only ones with the hots for the Crosby-Giroux girlfight – Puck Daddy knows what’s up. [link]

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?