If you want me girl let me know…

Can’t lose with an *N Sync joke, right? That should be a slam dunk.

But no.

Got a phil-ing about some nachos in this picture.

Bahahasnortlaughahaha! PHIL-ings! I’ve got Phil-ings about your bowl haircut and what you insist on wearing, Kessel, but nothing this funny. I see him laughing at all the guys traded to/from the Leafs today, while at the same time silently shaking his head, “No, God no!” at Stamkos.

This one also made me snarf. The word “horn” always makes me laugh like a 7th grader in health class-slash-Georgia Nicholson.

Tell me someone’s read Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging.

The Sid card is cute…

C is for 4 point games and other things that don’t start with C.

But it’s not as good or true as this:

just say yes

Here are all the Penguins Valentine’s. Honorable mention for the adoration derp they caught on Kris Letang’s face:

Me, when I see the sign for In-N-Out Burger.

You know I hate to say it, but some of these Flyers Valentine’s are pretty funny. If you’re into orange and liking things you hate.

Cupid Giroux should have matching wrist casts. If you can play beer pong…

I assume these Bolts cards are from 2016, because if people have been saying “bae” for over a year I’ll feel even more despair about American culture. (Update: These are from last year. I give up on you, American youth.)

When the NHL adopts it, you know a trend is over.

Did I miss any teams that have 2016 cards? The Predators did Valentines last year [link], but I’m not sure how they could top the weird and scared feeling this conveyed:

There are conventions for this kind of mascot stuff.

We’ll be on the lookout for more cards this week, even thought all our PHIL-ings may be committed already.

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!

IT’S A PIG! Named Truffles! It is in the Pens & Paws annual animal rescue calendar and isn’t it precious?!

You can see the whole video here. For highlights, there are hockey players and dogs:

For the life of me, I can;tt get a screencap without the arrow on his backside.

And puppies:

PUPPIES LOVE

And pets who’ve surpassed WUYS’ squad goals:

This pup rolls deep.

Stealing the show is our new favorite Penguin-slash-gingerbeard savior and fan of  teensy kittens and squatty fat cats alike, Ian Cole.

I’m calling him Cat Cafe Cole from now on.

We have evidence of the first ever wild animal to try to escape from Geno’s massive grasp:

It doesn’t work, of course.

And Sid comparing body types with this hunky guy.

How much do you squat?

Let’s get one more look at this.

:: internet sigh ::

And, hey, since we have it…

The dog is looking for his agent, because he was supposed to be the cutest one here.

Link to more photos.

We’ll let you know when calendars go on sale. The proceeds will benefit the Animal Rescue League and Wildlife Center. As the proud (er, obsessed) parent of a rescue pet, allow me to remind you: Adopt, Don’t Shop!

If you want to laugh at my dog obsession, enjoy. Instagram: blue.houla.

Hockey is upon us and I, for one, am not ready. Starbucks can sling all the pumpkin spice mochachocalattas they want, but it just doesn’t feel like fall until I see this:

Okay, now it’s fall.

Our friend Heather is a spare-time ace photographer, and took these gorgeous shots at Penguins training camp. In the spirit of autumn, we are very thankful! Follow her at @HeatherWeikel to see more photos throughout the season.

More than missing hockey, I’ve missed seeing this:

And obviously someone studied up on our blog before coming to Pittsburgh. This is almost a makeover right? I mean, maybe Phil’s a DIY kind of guy, and took on his own makeover the way we decorate our houses: Pinterest. Gingerbeards are in, friend. Long may yours reign. (Call us before you buy clothes, though. And don’t ask Crosby if your pants fit okay.)

In case you were worried the departure of absurdly handsome Robert Bortuzzo would dampen Sunshine’s smile, Heather has proven otherwise.

Though we trust he’ll be sneaking in a St. Louis game now and then – with us, of course.

While Geno is just wishing there were a porpoise or an armadillo around to hug.

We’re all looking forward to the season… and Sid knows it.

If I did this right (unlikely, TBH), you can click on any photo for a super hi-res version. All photos belong to Heather, so please Tweet her if you’d like to use one, see more or just say, “MORE PLEASE.”

Okay, it was yesterday. How this is 1) a holiday or 2) occurs without our say-so is a mystery, but it’s never too late to join in the, er, appreciating. Especially on a Friday.

I’ve very scientifically chosen the photos below.  Browse them – and we mean Take. Your. Time. (For example, I haven’t done any other work today.) In the comments, tell us what you love, hate, miss and wish would disappear. I’m sure I’ve left out a few transformations: suggestions are also welcome.

FOXY FRIDAY: Hairstyle Appreciation Day

Jamie Benn: Before vs. After

James Neal: Hedgehog vs. Humbled vs. Hey Ladies

Mike Green: Kombucha vs. Complicated Coffee vs. Wheatgrass vs. Small-Batch Bourbon

Tom Wilson: Boy vs Man

Carl Hagelin: Boy Band vs. Rock Star vs. Singer-Songwriter

Steven Stamkos: Too Short vs. Too Long vs. Just Right

 Claude Giroux: Elmo vs. Fozzie vs. Animal

Kris Letang: Disney Prince vs. Disney Dad

Last but not least, Barry Melrose: Always vs. Forever

The polls are open. Happy Friday, everyone!

But two drinks in, the bridesmaids are yelling, “DIBS!” and making shanks out of bobby pins.

The dads, like Alison’s dad there on the left (not really), are warming up their, “Have you met my daughter?” speeches.

While the groomsmen try not to look too drunk…

Even if they have to count reaaalllllyyy sllooowwwlllly…

And the married guys keep interrupting their attempts to flirt,

When they’re not laughing because they know how much an open bar costs.

But no matter how hard they try, there is always one guy who ends up going home alone.

Here are the full photo gallery and PensTV Video. Celina talks so fast that I am out of breath before they even get to Crosby, but this is something you’d (er, I would) probably pay a fortune to attend.  There is far less chance of physical embarrassment dealing cards than carrying plates, and I can’t help thinking Beau Bennett is a lot safer in this low-impact environment.

Twenty bucks says that Ehrhoff, tired of being left out, rigs the Secret Santa so he can buy Letang a selfie stick.

Because he knows we love guys in glasses.

The Dallas Stars also had a casino night this week. Furthering their quest to be Your Favorite Team, here’s video in which Jamie Benn admits his favorite part is “mingling with the female crowd” who sit at his table.

No shame if you just tried to buy a ticket for next year’s event like this:

Because:

So:

:: unintelligble gurgling ::

Video from the calendar shoot is here.

I am always very susceptible to puppy-related advertising, as evidenced by my love for the Oilers (PUPPIES!).  Just three weeks ago, Mr. Pants & I adopted a rescue catahoula/Aussie shepherd mix named Blue.  LOOK AT THIS FACE! I love him more than Canada loves hockey, let me tell you.

Yes, I made my dog an Instagram: blue.aussie.

Before 2015 arrives, order your Pens & Paws Calendar at www.animalrescue.org.  It’s a bargain at $20 for a year worth of adorableness!  Here are a few shots, courtesy of Heidi, to get you ordering and shipping and hanging this baby on your wall.

Hug everything. Immediately.

Look at the little dog’s tongue. It captions this whole post.

The next Disney animated companion.

BSutts brings a boyfriend shirt, dog and shovel to bury Alison’s body.

For you Hawks fans, Bryan Bickell and his wife Amanda have put together another fantastic offering from the Bick’s Pits pitbull rescue foundation. I still have their 2014 calendar up and it makes me smile every day.

The calendar is $25 here, and you can see some of their adoption love stories on Facebook.  There’s a video below, but you won’t get past the 4-second mark.

The dog has a derpface. They are soulmates.

We have room for another dog, right?  A friend for Blue?  Just bring them all over, I’ll sleep in the car.

If your team did a calendar, send the info our way!  I think the Bruins did, we’ll leave that love to Chuck.

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

The Penguins’ annual Skates & Plates event was held last night, where the players wait tables, raise funds for charity and try not to spill food on people.  (I’d take care of that myself in this company.)

On the Pens team, you can have one of two haircuts.  The Flow, which Orpik and Vitale are growing into behind the fearless, forever lead of Letang:

Or the Practical Dad, worn best while standing together in family portraits.

BSutts parts to the left, like he’s cooler.

Hahahano.

Here’s proof on an actual dad:

(see also: Tanner Glass)

And on a future hot dad:

Dammit, Sid.  I’m not complaining, but we were really into this Clark Kent thing you had going there for a minute:

Was it too much work?  Bangs under a helmet not that comfortable?  I know, look at Letang all the time and get itchy for a hair tie.

Glaringly Panic-Inducingly Potentially-Catastrophically Noticeably missing from this event was James Neal’s hair, and the rest of him.

Immediate reaction, in order, from Lindsay, me and Alison:

I’m Hodgins. What? He’s rich, okay?

Nealmobile skipped yesterday’s practice on a “maintenance day.”  So did Kunitz, but that Monchichi was delivering dessert at Skates & Plates.  Even Duper was there.  Bylsma said the status of Neal & Kunitz would be re-evaluated today, prior to the Pens home & home vs. Philly this weekend.

A note to James Neal: Lindsay, Alison and I will be at the game in Pittsburgh in 8 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes.  So you have that long to:

• get healthy
• grow out your beard

You got all that?

There is video and a full story, complete with Crosby making the day of some little girl and Borts’s strategy  for the most tips (Dear Alison, send money).  There’s also a rather abbreviated photo gallery.  Start saving for next year.

James Neal being a shit.

Me not stopping till Neal owned up to his problem out loud.

Kunitz’s face.

Followed immediately by James trying not to laugh.

Jackass.  You can’t distract me with your shorts!  Do not make me regret this.

In my world, no one would ever say that leggings are not pants.  (Oh, those aren’t leggings?)

Tight hiphuggers, low fo’ sho.

Everyone would pack a healthy brown bag lunch.

There’s moisturizer in there too.

Nisky would get more camera time.

People would wear proper cold weather gear because they are Canadian and also duh.

We’d always look our best.

Glasses and plaid paints all the time.

You are not fooling anyone with this coy stuff, James Neal.

Everyone would have excellent posture and sit up straight.

They would never make fun of each other.

Or call people names.

Right, Kris?

Everyone would be happy to see us.

And we’d all sleep well at night.

Of course I’d have the whole thing filmed for TV too.   Marketing and management?  I’d hire me.

Video: Pittsburgh Penguins 2013 Holiday Card

Made during Movember, the Penguins appear to have been pulled out of a police lineup, given Santa hats and told to hold up these CDs.  I feel like I’m trying to ID the guy I saw creeping around my yard in an episode of Law & Order.

Poor Matt Niskanen was so nervous he almost forgot how to pronounce his own last name.  (The innocent guys are always the most awkward.)

Some of the fake track titles are gems, like using a last name as a verb in “Martin’ Around the Christmas Tree” and “Malkin’ in a Winter Wonderland.”

Even the Captain’s here, making Skeptical Sid face.  But he said “kissing” and I giggled like a loon on loon pills.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all, or at least are wondering where the heck Malkin is during all this, they saved the best for last.  Kris Letang looking like a straight up madman.

Ha!  I feel like he popped out of a dumpster and shouted at me.  I threw my purse down and ran for it.  From the NHL Department of Player Sanity, his Disney Prince status currently under review.

Happy holidays, everyone.  If this unavailable fake CD isn’t quite what you’re hoping for in your stocking this year, may you at least be reminded of that time Sid couldn’t fit his wagon in this chair.

He’ll never fit down a chimney.

Huge thanks to @alisonsykora‘s mom Heidi, who took pictures of every page with her phone for us.  She likes James Neal the best because she’s a momgenius.

For safety, Sam overestimated the amount of room Sid needs to sit down.

Chuck Kobasew, come back to the lineup!

Matt D’Agostini’s in this year’s “Winter Look.”

Kunis and puppies and sweaters.

BSutts and Co. giving @alisonsykora the puppy eyes.

The closest to Raja that Aladdin could get.

These puppies match Geno’s outfit (and enthusiasm).

Joe Vitale and the tiniest little friend! Eeep!

Sassy and Neal. Yes, the dog is Sassy too.

Crosby is superstitious of black cats, so of course Duper has one.

Mario has one dog for each Stanley Cup.  He could handle more.

Hug it out, Rob Scuderi.

This is Nisky’s own dog. I’ll be over here, rolling around in my tears.

Get well soon, Beau. You’re too ridiculous to be without.

This scrappy little guy has Brooks’ eyes.

Disco Dogs

Also Flower’s own dogs.  And socks.

One last picture – a selfie:

Penguins, to the rescue.

Yesterday was the annual Project Bundle Up, where the Pens take kids shopping for warm winter clothes.  What could be better than boys and mittens?  Woolly hats, hot chocolate… there were probably fuzzy socks.  Go on without me.

A few things to make us all feel better:

– Tanner Glass.  With glasses.

– Crosby’s mustache.

Duper can’t even look at him.

You know he started growing it on November 1 at 12:00:01 AM… and this is what he’s got to show for 11 days of work.   Not that Sid would ever cheat, but he should really start this thing in August.

– Kris Letang giving expert advice on hats.

But he doesn’t know hats with flames are all the rage this season.

– This girl, achieving life goals at the age of 11(-ish).  Here’s James introducing himself like his name is the last one she’ll ever need to know [Pens TV video].

She  will grow up thinking all hot guys want to go shopping and watch you try on 90 versions of the same hat.  If there were an Auntie Anne’s pretzel in this equation I would faint.

– The conversation I imagine Flower is having with this kid about whether gummy bears are better than Sour Patch Kids.  Which they clearly are.  Learn well, grasshopper.

– Giant people helping tiny people.

– This face:

– This hair:

– And the inevitable defeat of James Neal by every shirt he tries to put on.

I feel a little better now, don’t you?

Video: James Neal Boys & Girls Club Visit

If you can’t play, this is a really great way to show off your hair and hoodie.  Also helping children – that is important too.  Especially that one in the penguin hat because everyone knows the main reason to have kids and pets is to make them wear adorable costume-like accessories.

James now has a program called Neal’s Neighborhood where he gives tickets to families so kids can watch Penguins hockey.  Can I live in this neighborhood? Does it need a mayor?

One kid asks James if he’s good at hockey.  That would be my kid.  “My mom likes Crosby better, how come you’re not as good as he is?” and I’d be looking around like I’d never seen that child before in my life.

The kids are encouraged to ask James about his hair.  When they get too close with their bunny ears for a picture, he makes sure they don’t mess with the flow.

White tube socks.  Boys.

Katie O’Malley asks a tween girl what she’s going to tell people about the James Neal experience, and this girl holds it together 100000018% better than you. What I really want to see are the texts she sent her friends.  Oh I can – it’s called the entire James Neal Tumblr Feed.

Or this blog.

Watch the video, appreciate James’ charity initiatives, even volunteer at the B&G Club near your house.  They do incredible work and kids are fun!  They are witty and honest and awesome and this one, right here, is smarter than everyone in the room.

Future WUYS blogger.

You’re doing it right, girl.

If this whole thing has you thinking about hot dads, here are a few bonus pictures from yesterday.  I don’t know if this is a calendar about pets or cardigans but yes, a thousand times yes.

Source: Twitter

Source: Instagram

No word if Crosby participated in the calendar shoot, or if he was presented with a pocket-sized all-black kitten and given the option of holding it or freaking the hell out.  I’ll assume this means he chose option B and bought all incriminating video evidence for an immediate destruction spin in that beat up dryer/goal.

from Geno’s Instagram

Well no, our obsession with boys in glasses began long ago.  Maybe it was when Chuck and I got our own glasses, or when we realized that we a) are nerds and b) like nerds.  Glasses may be more cool than Coke bottle these days, but the allure remains.

Smart is sexy.  The appearance of intelligence doesn’t hurt either.  It really helps if you look like you might read a book once in a while, and we’re not talking about the Official Strategy Guide for World of Warcraft.  (Kidding!  Mr. Pants has this.)

Based on the knowledge that girls do make passes at boys who wear glasses, here’s a collection of indisputable, photographic proof.

Foxy Friday: Hockey Players in Glasses

Okay, that’s unfair.

Now is the time to embrace your inner dork and give in.

Don’t kid us with your faux-frames, Kevin!  Kes would never do that.

Glasses can really improve any outlook.

They cannot overcome two earrings though, Buff.

And make terrifying things like Shea Weber’s beard slightly less so.

Glasses are a gateway drug for hipsters…

He’s since had Lasik, sorry.

… and at the same time, their crowning glory.

We haven’t seen these specs since Paul Gaustad left for Nashville…

Or since Chris Kirkpatrick’s turtleneck wardrobe went out of style.

That awkward high school photo of everyone, ever.

They can be used as a disguise…

Cape optional.

But if we see them on TV, we’re going to want to see them on your face.  We’re talking to you, James Neal.

And we’re not above getting your best friend to peer pressure you (or withhold breakfast).

Heck, glasses even work on Flyers…

And ex-boyfriends (who are now Flyers)…

And lobsters.

You don’t have to be a part-time model.  But it doesn’t hurt.

BONUS ROUND! Suggested by @jstefanc:

Happy Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Pittsburgh Penguins:

While I enjoy a gleeful shopping binge every once in a while, the bill always comes.  Death and taxes, you know.  Except not taxes – at least not luxury taxes on the salary cap because that’s not allowed in the NHL.  So where are the Penguins putting their money, and will there be any left for lunch?

Kris Letang – 8 years, $58 million

Okay handsome.  We see you back there on the blue line, looking fabulous… while not holding the blue line.  That is a problem for which the remedy had better be $7.25 million/year.  Kris tied for the lead in points by a defenseman last season (38).  He was 10th in the entire League in points-per-game at 1.09 [link].  Offensive defensemen – yay!

But also you must be defensemen!  QB-ing a power play, to mix sports metaphors, is a requirement.  Malkin’s not gonna do it.  There were times this year, both on the power play and in the defensive zone, when I was screaming for a line change to give me Brooks Orpik.   Those days, I don’t know why Letang is making more than $5 million/year.  Other days I see Kris’ play and I want to make it rain.  I shall expect a handsomely convincing display of his renewed defensive prowess in October.

Side note: Kris’ contract does not have a no-trade clause. Instead he gets to pick 12 teams to which he would NOT accept a trade [Post-Gazette].  The rest are fair game.  That’s an interesting plus should Letang become a hole in Shero’s boat.

Pascal Dupuis – 4 years, $15 million

DEAL.  Did you know Dupuis made $1.5 million last year?  And the year before that?  $1.5 million is what the Islanders will pay Rick DiPietro NOT to play hockey every year for the next 16 years.  I can’t even.

Yes, Duper is 34, but his .79 PPG average last year was a career high (up from .72 in ’11-’12).  He scored 20 goals plus 11 points in the playoffs [stats].  He could have taken his show on the UFA road and made more than $4 million next season.   Luckily for me, and Crosby, and James Neal’s hair, Pascal wanted to stay in Pittsburgh.

Chris Kunitz –  3 years, $11.55 million

It is a crime that no one remembers The Monchichis because this is what I think of every time I see Chris Kunitz.

Kunitz is well worth $3.85 mil/yr because he fits everywhere – in ’11-’12 it was on the Neal/Malkin line that generated 40 goals for Neal and the Art Ross Trophy for Geno.  Last season, Chris finished 8th in goals and 7th in points (his career best) alongside Crosby/Dupuis.  Crosby missed a month and that was still the top-scoring line in the NHL.

The Pens top lines fight over #14, and the loser suffers on the scoreboard [great Pensburgh feature].  Kunitz may not be a marquee name, but he makes them happen.

Side note: Career years at the age of 33 for Dupuis and Kunitz.  Who else was 33 last season?  Superman, according to Man of Steel, and some girls with a hockey blog.  33 is the new black.

The Penguins already have a load of big-time contracts:

• Malkin – $8.7 mil/yr (’12-13), increases to $9.5 mill (’13-14 and on)
• Crosby – $8.7 mil/yr for the rest of time
• Fluery – $5 mil/yr through ’13-14
• Neal – $5 mil/yr through 2018
• Martin – $5 mil/yr through ’13-14

That means in ’12-13, the Penguins will commit $43.375 million to just 8 players, including Letang, Dupuis and Kunitz (Letang and Kunitz’s raises don’t kick in until ’14-15).

The salary cap for 2013-14 is projected to be $63.4 million [ESPN.com].  Currently the Pens stand at $60 million spent [CapGeek.com] – on 19 players.  They need at least 20 on their roster, and can have no more than 23 active.  Currently unsigned from last season: Iginla, Morrow, Jeffrey, Cooke, Adams, Bortuzzo, Murray and Eaton.  So that last $3.4 million is going to have to go a very long way for Pittsburgh.

The light at the end of the tunnel?  Since the salary cap is based on League revenue from the previous season, the cap is expected to increase significantly for the ’14-15 season.  And it better, because the Penguins have already spent some of that money.

Patrick Kane, two track mind.  Hockey and…

I need a break.

But hockey stops for no Pants.

Over the last few days some important things have happened.  It’s our job to keep you informed, and keep you from from turning on the TV in October and shouting, “What the hell, Vinny Lecavalier is a Dallas Star?!”

Lecavalier Buy Out

In 2009, the Lightning signed Vinny to an 11-year, $85 million contract.  Now in 2013, they are returning him to the store for a 33% refund.  Should’ve bought that at Nordstrom, they’re famous for buying back old tires.

Vinny’s offensive output has steadily declined over the past few years [stats] as injuries have mounted.  With 7 years left on his deal, the Lightning will have to pay him 2/3 of the remaining $45 million (or $29.7 million), plus guaranteed signing bonuses totaling $8 million [Cap Geek].  Yes – they’re still paying signing bonuses on this deal.  Good lord.  What the Bolts get back is $15+ million in salary plus the clean wipe of $7.727 million/year off their salary cap.

(Math admittedly done by Pants.  Corrections anyone?)

Stevie Y explained the move [story].  He failed to confirm if they’re investing the saved money in a cryogenic chamber for Marty St. Louis to sleep in all summer.

Alex Tanguay Back in Colorado

File Under: Things Only Pants Cares About

Not true!  This trade sent David Jones and Shane O’Brien to CGY for Alex and Cory Sarich.  Avs fans, do you love this?!  [These guys say yes!]

If you’re new to my mad ramblings, here’s a recap: Alex Tanguay is my lobster.  My LTHR (Long-Term Hockey Relationship).  I had a shirt that just says TANGUAY  made off some website in 2000.  In ’04 I scheduled an entire cross-country drive with my dad around seeing a game in Denver… and Alex didn’t even play!! I have never seen him play, in fact.  Love don’t need a reason, y’all.

Why would I be excited about seeing a player I love traded to the second-worst team in the NHL (last season)?  Nostalgia, really.  The way Alex played in Colorado.  Plus he came from Calgary and they weren’t doing much anyway.  Forsberg should’ve saved his brief comeback for this because reuniting the AMP line would have put me over the edge.

Also, I now feel less bad about rejoicing when Iginla went to the Penguins.

People Who Have Dumped Alex Tanguay for Sidney Crosby:

• Pants
• Jarome Iginla

Sorry, Tangs.  Welcome home.

Danny Briere Still Needs a Team

Nothing can happen until July 5, when Danny (and Bryz and Vinny) officially become free agents.  Until then, I’m just saying:

I’m an excellent tour guide.

Kris Letang Turns Down $54 million for 8 Years

And so the huge contracts catch up with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Letang.  I love him on defense when it’s not this year in the playoffs.  This offer is a bargain compared to Shea Weber’s 14-year/$110 million contract and Ryan Suter’s $13-year/$98 million deal.

But read that Vinny Lecavalier part again.  Think about Luongo and Bryz and almost Ovechkin there for a second when it looked like $9.5 million a year was buying 35 goals.  Of course Kris wants a huge, long-term contract.  Right now, every team in the League sees these contracts as bricks being thrown through very expensive windows.  (Note: Per the new CBA, eight years is the max contract length for a player re-signing with his current team.  Seven years for a new team. [link]  Thanks Lindsay and Alison, who are reading the CBA for fun.)

“Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.”

Mark Messier Leaves the Rangers

I was home in NY two weeks ago, reading a full page cover story on Mark Messier interviewing for the Rangers head coaching position.  The next day, Alain Vigneault got the job.  I laughed, because the timing was embarrassing and I hate the Rangers.  But I don’t hate Mark Messier.  He will join the team to build the Kingsbridge National Ice Center in the Bronx, NY, which will be the largest indoor ice complex in the world and boast nine skating rinks [link].

Sounds to me like a place they could have put the Islanders, if Brooklyn didn’t beat them to it.

The Coyotes Could Actually Move

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

No, no, really!  The City of Glendale, AZ will vote July 2 on a lease agreement for the Coyotes Arena (Jobing.com Arena).  If they okay the lease, the NHL can sell the team to an outfit that would keep it in AZ [story].  If they don’t, Bettman says there’s time to move the team before the start of next season.   That’s a 3 month window, without training camp.    They’ll be packing like a breakup, tossing everything out the window onto the lawn.  Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

More on the deal, including a clause that would let the new owners end & move the Coyotes in 5 years anyway, from Phoenix Business Journal.

What else is new?  I’m surely missing something, blogging on half-screen while watching the Blackhawks parade.  And that first Patrick Kane gif….

It’s like his first day back at school, seeing that girl he had a crush on last year.

In actual hockey news (sigh of relief), it looks like James is going to play the un-point on the Pens power play to start the season.  He’ll be “roving” the ice near Letang’s regular station at the blue line.  [link]

Errr, okay.  As much as Neal & Letang next to each other could probably reverse the Earth’s magnetic poles, Nealer’s about the wrist shot.  It’s dazzling.  It’s accurate.  Seeing him just behind the faceoff circle, waiting for the drop pass… it makes me weak in the twine.

He’s not going to score a lot from the blue line.  The idea seems to be for James to play “everywhere” and feed the puck to Crosby and Malkin (or back to Letang).  It sounds like a dream strategy, unless the guy you’re taking the puck away from is the reigning NHL-leader in PPG (Neal had 18 last season).

Photo Credit: kdkitty127

Alas, this is a problem I want to have.  Embarrassment of riches!  Trust in Disco Dan!  (And pre-season optimism.)  With guys like Crosby and Malkin on the sides, let’s hope some middle lanes open and James gets the puck.  I don’t care who scores ’em.

Wait, I do.  I didn’t fantasy draft Sid or Geno, dammit.

I wish we could do a preview of every team for the upcoming season, but there is no time. Also I’ve forgotten where everyone was traded to or signed.  Saturday is going to be like Christmas morning, where I open every broadcast after guessing what’s inside and find a bonus Staal or Nash.

Also foxy – the same hockey players with puppies.

Seriously.

I double dog dare you to find anything foxier. (Don’t even try.  Because you won’t.)

This week’s Foxy Friday is dedicated to those furry and fabulous canine companions of our most popular Foxy Friday honorees…and a few that were just to adorable not to mention.

Teemu Dog

Landeskog Dog

Sharp Dog

Crosby Dog

Keith Dog

Campbell Dog

Letang Dog

Tazer Dog.
(Come on, Jonathan.  It’s an adorable puppy. Why so serious?) 

Eberle Dog.

Neal Dog.

Lundqvist Dog.
(also, can we talk about those hips? King Henrik’s, not the dog’s)

SEGGY PUPPY!!!!

And the mutha of all…

Nash Dog!

Here are few that we just had to include.

Warning: Squeeee factor on these is about eleventy billion.

Nuge Dogs.

Colby Cohen Dog.

Parros and a very big puppy.

My pretty pony …

What? These guns? I’m a peaceful man … but DO. NOT. CROSS. ME.

Ovi has a crush on him too – and who wouldn’t? I think pretty  much all hockey players would put Kris at the top of all their lists.

Excuse me guys, can I just squeeze in between you two for my dream sandwich?

I could pick his skate-gate out a 100 hockey player’s because it’s about as beautiful as his hair!

Watching him skate backwards SHOULD BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT – just sayin’ – it’s already an ALL-STAR GAME spectacle

I love summer because the thought of Kris being shirtless somewhere hot, keeps me going until I can see him on the ice come fall!

This is SOOOOOOO last summer Kris. Come on …. cut us girls a break.

Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me … ok – Bon Jovi, I am not.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!