Jonathan Toews joined Twitter.

If you use “eh” in a sentence, you are exempt from all grammar rules.

I spent my drive to work trying to come up with a joke about how now, we all have to pronounce the “w” in Twitter as a “v”, like in Toews. I didn’t quite get there.

Most Canadian cover photo ever.

So far, Jon has made fun of Andrew Shaw (check), apologized for a loss (check) and – I swear you can’t make this up – used “jk.” He is basically us at age 14, only Andrew Shaw was (probably) not born yet.

The only capital letter Toews cares about is the C on his sweater.

Remember when Jonathan Toews was no fun? Like, at all? He even went as Grumpy for Halloween… which was ironic, because referencing his grumpiness was one of the first steps toward casting it off. If it were 2012, we would hardly recognize this guy.

Part-time model profile pic

In related news, everyone loves Jonathan Toews. More than ever. [Second City Hockey, Sun Times, Bar Down]

And remember, we are communication professionals. Will work for hockey.

Pro tip.

The other important thing for future reference (and Chromecasting onto a big screen):

The Penguins played horseshoes. #shirtsoptional

All the feels. Thanks for joining us on the Carolina/Florida trip, Dads!https://t.co/Fi6Dt3GYBb

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) February 22, 2016

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking at my phone while walking. But honestly, Pittsburgh, warn a girl! I may have veered wildly across a sidewalk during DC rush hour upon seeing this grace my screen. The video loaded. Wifi buffered. Particle beams shot through space and a satellite fell from the sky but still I COULD NOT WATCH IT.

So I went into the nearby hotel lobby and calmly stole the password from their reception desk.

Julia informs me this is Brian Dumolin. My eyes were seared by Sid’s paleness.

I have a new appreciation for horseshoes. Previously a game I’ve only seen played by small cousins and large rednecks, it suddenly seems a pursuit worth dedicating my life to. On this beach, with the lovely crystal waves crashing.

And maybe even one day, a tan.

If this whole hockey thing doesn’t work out for the Pens, they could always open an off-season Club Med.

Flowers love the sun.

Pittsburgh, currently holding the last Wild Card spot in the East, plays at Boston tomorrow night on NBCSN. The Hawks, who are first in the West, host Nashville on Thursday night on the same network. Two nights of Roenick and Milbury… might almost be worth it for all this.

When I saw this:

My first thought was:

Then my interfriends kindly informed me this was from a commercial – an actual mini movie – in which other such ovary-punching moments are included.

What was that you said?

Yeah, that’s what I heard.

Lindsay’s expert analysis of this photo: “The lighting is all 90’s, reminds me of The Cutting Edge.”

If Sid scraps the scuff, he could be Doug Dorsey for Halloween.

Sportsnet always has good hockey content (compared to the US, who doesn’t?), and I love their new campaign. Apparently the players love it too – and they don’t want to leave.

These are all things Intern Jeff Skinner thought he’d be doing when he signed up to work at WUYS.

Throwing away Penguins and Bruins-looking hockey paraphenalia, pretending it smells.

Ping pong and video games, while growing his hair out. Can you see the promise of a man-bun lurking here? Headman and Doughty are one real opponent away from asking to borrow a hair tie. (And being told no, because no.)

Fixing things with athletic tape – Jeff actually does this, though we requier duct tape because we have standards and you can buy duct tape with Minions or Justin Beiber printed on it. If he could roll some duct tape into a hair tie, we might concede the man-bun.

Eating french fries. As if there are any fries left when Intern Jeff finishes getting our lunches. He’s on a strict diet of orange slices and Capri Sun like the rest of the kids on his school bus. Plus, Tyler Seguin eats fries like he’s asking Leonardo DiCaprio to draw his nude portrait in Titanic. That is how you get us to share our floating door in the North Sea, friends.

Napping. We don’t let Intern Jeff sleep on the job, but we will let him carry in the new couch we just ordered in case Crosby ever shows up here. And none of this standard-cushion-size stuff, we went for the oversize, extra-sturdy, big & tall model. Cros can hardly fit his backside on SportsNet’s little sofa.

(Bonus: Unintentional slightly early screencap that defines my life.)

Hey, if that doesn’t work out for Intern Jeff Skinner, he could always get  gig helping out at Sportsnet:

Here’s some BTS from what look like a lot more Sportsnet commercials yet to come…

Behind-the-scenes, we like to put hockey's brightest stars like @RealStamkos91, @dewyy8 and @ErikKarlsson65 to work. https://t.co/8eel944LY3

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) September 21, 2015

Trust that if ever Crosby doesn’t look sweaty enough for something, this is not how we’re going to fix it:

One more, to illustrate me trying to leave my desk today when people keep sending more things to blog about:

The #NHL's #BrightestStars have the on-ice skills down, but we're still working on their acting chops. #outtakes https://t.co/M9YCgpzVw5

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) October 1, 2015

Bear with us as I have no idea how to use some new WordPress features and these pictures look a little drunk.

Which is the only thing on Earth he isn’t good at.

This is a guy who scored his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot during his first NHL shift in his first NHL game. Remember when he got so mad at the All-Star Skills Competition because he didn’t hear the cue to start? This look on his face is TrueToews, the one he keeps locked away since Captain Serious changed his costume. There is also a puppy, in case any of me survived.

This comes hot on the tail of Tazer’s vitally important in-arena message: don’t get up to pee during the game. HOLD IT, PEOPLE! (Everyone looks at me, doing the pee pee dance in my seat.) That glorious contribution can be seen here.

BlackhawksTV, still the best.

Firing squad awaits the cannon

Thanks to the players who really came to play – not play like they do in competition every day, but the fun kind where the fans get to play along.  Specifically, thank you because:

You looked great.

You should see my shoes.

Really great.

No, they’re my shoes.

Like “This Foxy Friday will be used against you in a court of law” great.

18 and counting

You made new friends.

No one can resist the plaid jacket.

You saw old friends.

First rule of red carpets: Don’t arrive right after Seguin.

And trolled them.

“Hi Chuck.” “No – Hello Chuck.”

You talked a lot of trash.

No one at NHL had a real notebook.

You took a selfie.

Do you see something behind me?

You got drunk.

It was this guy.

You forgot your new friend’s name.

Also, I don’t know where Long Island is.

He forgave you. Mostly.

:: internal eye roll ::

You took more selfies.

Just add kids!

You didn’t win a car.

Because you didn’t pass the sobriety test.

Then you did win a car! But you weren’t the only one.

#RNHAllStarStud

Either way, you won our hearts.

Right in the ovaries.

Even if just for a moment.

My hatred is no match for this moment of perfection.

Even if you weren’t the MVP.

We would never get your name wrong.

Most of all you made us forget all the guys who weren’t there, from the Subban-type snubs to the Crosby-esque casualites. Maybe the weekend could have been even better… but we didn’t miss them.  So thanks for this weekend, and see you next year in Nashville.

The complete list of players selected for the All-Star Game in Columbus on Jan 25 has been announced, but let’s start with the fan vote roster. Which looks like the Blackhawks roster.

I see red people.

Remember the Blackhawks jazzercize campaign video?  Of course you do.  Ne’er have you closed an eye since that day but you’ve seen this, seared in your memory and waiting, gold-chained and glorious, to remind you that votes are the very least you can give when one has smized so hard to earn them.

What percentage of a shirt is this? 25?

You may note a few things once your eyes adjust to all those Hawks logos:

1. NO CROSBY. Just in the fan vote, obviously, but Mr. Popularity, was not crowned Homecoming King this year. He can still call me if he needs a date, though. I am not so fickle.

Just act cool.

2. What is a Zemgus Girgensons and how did it escape Middle Earth win the fan vote? This phenomenon was well-documented, so it didn’t exactly come out of nowhere (anymore than it completely came out of nowhere). Zemgus, who is 21 and plays in Buffalo, hails from Latvia. So mobilized were the 2 million people of his home country, they apparently did nothing but vote online for for the NHL ASG. Right to the top!

What does high score mean? Did I break it?

Some people say this is a tawdry exploitation of the game’s selection process. I say: YOU ARE NO FUN, partypoopers! It’s one roster spot. It’s the ASG, which is really just an excuse to look good during the skills competition. Guys who don’t get picked get to go on vacation and don’t have to pose for ’80s prom photos. Sure, it’s an honor to be voted in, but let’s be real. Zemgus plays in Buffalo.  This might be the only thing he ever wins. I hope he enjoys the heck out of it.

3. Kane beat Toews. I love this. Just as Jon became more fun, Kaner became more serious. For next year’s campaign, they should do a full-length Grease remake. From:

Circa 2011

to this:

Circa last night

Note Seabs, Keith and Crawford walking by in the back. That’s Shaw on the left.

The rest of the roster includes:

Class of 2015

The list is… confusing. Or perhaps it’s “avant garde” and I never really understood that kind of art anyway. No Nicklas Backstrom, fantasy point machine.  No James Neal’s hair blowing in the shot accuracy competition breeze. (That’ll teach you to get yourself traded away from Malkin… to a team leading the League. Figures.) No Chara, Zetterbeard or Datsyuk, no Sedins and no PK Subban. Remember that time he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey? Ah, those were the days.  Puck Daddy has some more snub thoughts here.

Those who did make the cut will be wearing these sweaters. When the ASG is over, I hope they are donated to live out the rest of their unsightly lives in relative dignity as Major League Soccer referee jerseys.

For running at night?

Laviolette and Sutter will coach. Two team captains (and two alternates per team) will be announced next week, and they will hold the fantasy draft on Friday, January 23 at 8 PM (on NBCSN in the States). The draft is my favorite part of the weekend, even eclipsing the skills competition. Someone will get picked last, someone will trip going up the steps.  Hugs will happen. John Tavares will be there.

Look at his middle-school-boy handwriting.

Overall, it sounds a heck of a lot better than my average Friday night.  So we’ll see you there (er, here) for ASG Weekend!

The title of Foxy Friday has occasionally been awarded to a collection of things (plaid suits, glasses) to great as to define the genre.  Today’s honorees take it to a whole new level.

San Jose Sharks “Holiday Sweater”

The Sharks have an amazing history of holiday videos, but they can stop now. There’s no topping this throwback karaoke masterpiece, complete with semi-choreographed white guy dancing and someone holding a block of cheese.

It goes on forever. Literally.  Make sure you stay for the scene after the credits, then check out this much-needed infographic.

How BU does it.

Capitals Holiday Video [that’s a link]

This dork-fest is gloriously unscripted and runs the ultimate test of improv comedy – who will laugh first, us or them?

Almost enough right to fix all this wrong.

A wink of the eye to how intentionally awful the whole thing is – the Caps tried to enter the NHL ugly sweater contest. What’s the prize? Is it Caps tickets?

Ecard versions – send ’em to your mom.

Penguins Holiday Video [also a link]

If I were going to re-enact a Christmas movie, it wouldn’t be Christmas Vacation (duh, Love Actually), and if I were going to have the Penguins remake a movie, it wouldn’t a Christmas movie (Newsies, anyone? Oh yes.).  But as commitment to awkwardness goes, this Penguins’ holiday video is a Best Picture nominee.

Beau should’ve worn the hat.

My movie would of course feature Beau and Borts in matching costumes.  I might even cover Crosby up to dampen his attractiveness – and fail, badly.

Is this a cowlneck shirt? Could this be worse?

There’s nothing in this, however, as good as the “Sieze the Day” sing-along going on in my mind.

Chicago Blackhawks All-Star Campaign Videos

Just as you’re having the happiest of holiday video viewing sessions, the Blackhawks show up to ruin it by, well… being the Blackhawks.  We should be used to it by now.  They’re not even promoting Christmas because nothing under your tree could be this good.

Ice Bucket challenge Spanx = no tanlines!

What the hell is happening here and how do I make it rule the Earth? Is that what we’re voting for? I’m pretty sure Chuck and I came up with this idea while a) drunk and b) watching that Crystal Light aerobics championship video set to Taylor Swift for the 900th time.  The Blackhawks must be reading our GChats.

You guys saw that, right? I didn’t hallucinate?

Toews is the original Canadian dream, which sounds like the tagline for an ice cream treat made with maple syrup, and it’s finally proven, scientifically, that he is fun now.  We have created a monster.

Players gonna…

It would appear there will be (already are?) videos promoting Bickell, Sharp, Keith, Kane and jazzercize.  The wait might actually kill me.

I’m getting this on a shirt.

And this on the back.

Good luck, next Friday, on coming anywhere close to this.

:: unintelligble gurgling ::

Video from the calendar shoot is here.

I am always very susceptible to puppy-related advertising, as evidenced by my love for the Oilers (PUPPIES!).  Just three weeks ago, Mr. Pants & I adopted a rescue catahoula/Aussie shepherd mix named Blue.  LOOK AT THIS FACE! I love him more than Canada loves hockey, let me tell you.

Yes, I made my dog an Instagram: blue.aussie.

Before 2015 arrives, order your Pens & Paws Calendar at www.animalrescue.org.  It’s a bargain at $20 for a year worth of adorableness!  Here are a few shots, courtesy of Heidi, to get you ordering and shipping and hanging this baby on your wall.

Hug everything. Immediately.

Look at the little dog’s tongue. It captions this whole post.

The next Disney animated companion.

BSutts brings a boyfriend shirt, dog and shovel to bury Alison’s body.

For you Hawks fans, Bryan Bickell and his wife Amanda have put together another fantastic offering from the Bick’s Pits pitbull rescue foundation. I still have their 2014 calendar up and it makes me smile every day.

The calendar is $25 here, and you can see some of their adoption love stories on Facebook.  There’s a video below, but you won’t get past the 4-second mark.

The dog has a derpface. They are soulmates.

We have room for another dog, right?  A friend for Blue?  Just bring them all over, I’ll sleep in the car.

If your team did a calendar, send the info our way!  I think the Bruins did, we’ll leave that love to Chuck.

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

Something about this video keeps breaking the link, try this if you can’t see it. 

To discuss whatever they are talking about while this plays in my head:

If there’s a pseudo-boyband version of a song, I prefer it.

Sid does get all cute talking about MacKinnon, like he’s a Scout Troop leader.  I guess it’s a relief from the usual business of deflecting questions: “Do you hate your boss?”, “Are you too old now?”, “What is taking so damned long?”

Pants, wake up, Pants. I’m about to smile.

As a publicist, we dream of guys like this: upload the script, read the script, act natural while saying exactly what I told you to.  As a person, I may have dozed off during the interview.  At least this chair looks up to the task for once.  No way he could sit all the way forward without flipping it.

On a different channel, Captain Partypants himself, Jonathan Toews, is having more fun in 2:18 than we’ve had since wakeboarding.

He wears this shirt like it’s those shorts too.

I know Sid did the self-depriacting, hilarious Cabbie “selfie” interview.  We loved it, and Crosby probably had to breathe into a bag afterward.  Jon, on the other hand, has this whole “I’m fun now” thing on lock.

Hold up: waterslides.  Please let that be the next charity participation trend.

So we make fun of “Captain Serious,” and Jon changes his tune.  Then we make fun of his game face and Jon claims it looks like:

That’s about a hundred derps shy of a Hawks broadcast, but we’ll let it slide.

Waterslide.

The Penguins are off till Thursday, while the Hawks host the Flames on Wednesday.  It’ll give Jon a chance to score his first goal of the season (0G, 2A in 2 games), and catch up a little with Sid’s 246 point pace (3G, 3A in 2 games).

Up first: Sid, Hank and Tazer.  This is a good interview.  I had never seen Strombo before the NHL Awards and apparently he gets some flack for softball-ing questions, but I liked this.  It’s funny, insightful and touches on some interesting, oft-unasked things.  There’s enough room for a little personality to sneak in, elevating it just above sports cliche into a more natural conversation.  Strombo for Commissioner.

Now forgive me while I take this respectable interview and evaluate it superficially. (Future subtitle of my autobiography.)

You say: Crosby, Lundqust, Toews.  I say:

I may have had some sugar today.

Followed immediately by:

Everybody’s a critic

Meanwhile Sid looks like if he inhales deeply enough, that shirt will split.  It’s also navy blue – dark, yes, but are those black pants?  Oh boy.

Let’s talk about how great we are.

Henrik, in full custom couture (duh), puts on a handsome expression.  Wait, that’s his only expression.  It serves to mask the amateur hour he surely sees before him: dressed down and violating a cardinal contrast rule.  Hank thinks about being helpful, then remembers who won the Art Ross Trophy and is now in his division.  The King decides to let the Kid take a powder on this one.

You can never be overdressed or overly Swedish – er, close enough.

Having never heard Miranda Priestly’s speech on shades of blue, Sid doesn’t care.  He’s thinking about the interview, specifically hoping Strombo doesn’t bring up superstitions.  Which Strombo does.  Look how perfectly still Crosby sits – he’s frozen, like a petrified tree.  You can hear him thinking, “Don’t look at me, I’m not here.”  AND THEY DON’T!  What?!  His publicist must have been off-stage threatening the director with a high heel to the face if he cut to SidCam at that moment.

I’m a perfectly normal kind of crazy.

Across the table, Toews just basks in his own open collar coolness.  He’s laid-back, nursing the end of a tan and saying “heck” with no hint of awkwardness.  If he’d been American, he’d be a star quarterback.  It doesn’t even matter that Jon can’t shake the “Captain Serious” nickname, because all of his stories end in championships.

Over here in the Western Conference, with my Stanley Cups…

Notice how full the prop snack bowls remain throughout.  No one even snuck a pumpernickel chip out of the Chex Mix before this thing started.

Weakness? Never heard of it.

Sensing the interview coming to an end, Sid does what Sid always does: he finds another gear.  He makes those short-sleeved forearms count.  Next year, everyone will be wearing a polo  – except Henrik, of course.

Thinking about tiny pockets.

In all seriousness, I love their answers, especially Sid’s, on the You Can Play campaign question.  No one over-explains.  They just speak with quiet confidence as if it’s a non-issue nd anyone who has a problem with it will have to answer to these guys.  It must be great comfort to a player, present or future, thinking about taking that step.

Next up: Giroux, Seguin and Tavares.  Or a lion, a tiger and a baby otter.

Don’t listen to them, John!  (Okay, maybe a little.)

Cat got your caption?

You better believe I thought I’d shuffled off this mortal coil, right there in front of the bulk lentils.  I wondered how, in the distant future, when my husband met me in the afterlife I would explain that picture of Jonathan Toews that had done me in all those decades ago.

Alas, this is real.  Congratulations to us – no way we earned it, but we accept.

My thoughts, in order, as the Jonathan Toews ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video came into my life:

ShutupohmyGod.
This is because of that time I said Kane had become more attractive, isn’t it?

All

I didn’t mean that.
Really, it was crazy talk.

about

What kind of shorts are those?
Is he just surfing now?  How long can momentum last?  Oh the boat’s slowing down. This should be a science program.

that

Jon use to be boring and serious.  Now look.  Can we expect this from John Tavares in the future and exactly when will this occur because the calibrations on my time machine must be exact.
He’s got tan lines for these shorts.  He’s been wearing them all summer.

bass

I wish this were in hi-res.  Probably better it’s not though.  I’m barely over Benedict Cumberbatch’s “Ice Bucket in the Shower” video.
Am I still in the supermarket?  All these people are looking at me.  It’s only been 45 seconds.  They must think I’m comparing all these beans.

’bout that base

Is it over?  Don’t be over.
No, you keep the bucket.

no

One last shot.  The Blackhawks were right with Jon’s contract: he’s a 10.5

treble.

Wow.  I finally figured out what to tell my husband when we meet at the Pearly Gates. Remember when Rant Sports ranked 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat?

Toews is #1.  Told ya so.

Reminder: If you can, please donate to ALS research at www.alsa.org.  This campaign has raised a huge amount of money, but it’s important to remember that it’s not just about wakeboarding and hot pants.  Real people are benefiting from all this attention.

Dancing.

Toews/Kane Dance Off 2014 [video]

Shooter McGavin.

(If you’re a Lightning fan, this is easy.  Stamkos would bust out a perfect Step Up dance routine [circa Channing Tatum, of course], complete with his shirt either open or off.  For the rest of us, well… maybe “hands in pockets” will become to new dance craze.)

At least Sid caved to the selfie pressure first.

Pretty good for a rookie.

There were myriad other highlights of the BHC2014, not the least of which was Brad Richards sitting alongside the dancing like that really uncomfortable lady with the rowdy friends in the front row at Thunder From Down Under, judging the distance between herself and the nearest emergency exit.  He’s thinking, “Remember that time I made $12 million a season and did’t dance?  Not for $2 million, new friends.”

There’s a cap on this empty bottle, isn’t there?

While we didn’t attend BHC2014, I think we’re ready to make a bold statement based on thirty minutes of Tumblr research: this is the summer that Patrick Kane officially became more attractive than Jonathan Toews.

Say that again, into this mircophone.

Am I wrong?  Since Kaner started cleaning up his act (not too much, please) and keeping his hair under control, not to mention wearing the heck out of a golf shirt, Toews has been running to catch up.  Oh he’s fun now!  Jokes about his grumpiness, couples Halloween costumes: Jon has really made an effort.  There are matching contracts, his-and-his Conn Smythe trophies, but is it too little too late?  Watch the dance video again.  When it comes to the inevitable Zoolander-style Walk Off, who is your money on?

What did she say? All I hear is that cash register sound.

Meanwhile, can we get said walk-off confirmed for next year’s BHC agenda?  And when do tickets go on sale?

gif from toews-rage.tumblr.com

I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

The NHL Awards are tonight – on a Tuesday.  Let that sink in… Tuesday.  Rock and roll.  We’ll take it, of course, desperate and starved as we are.  But not to overload Tuesday, hockey festivities began yesterday in two cities.

In Vancouver, Hockey Canada hosted an Olympic Gala and distributed rings.  Sid was there, opting for a brown t-shirt because he saw how excited we all got about mint green the other day.  Of course he was with Matt Duchene, who is turning turning into a country singer before our eyes.  (No complaints.)  PK puts everyone’s wardrobe to shame with zero effort.

Especially Dan Hamhuis.  That color combination is so bad you can feel Pietrangelo and Weber begging for help as they stare into the camera.  Jame Benn (Short hair, don’t care!) had to look away.

The next photo comes in two versions.

#1: THE CHUCK – Bergy and Nash being cool, hanging in the back, looking all cheekbones about it.

Chuck’s reaction:

#2: THE PANTS – Front and center but you probably missed it on first glance…

Live shot of me:

Tavares in a t-shirt, ace jeans and a backwards ball cap?  Casual Monday-slash-I am dead.  Just don’t let this be the end of pleated khakis, polos and belts, John.  Don’t get too cool on me now.

Not to be forgotten, Sid’s shirt is okay too.

And then, his suit.

I swear he owns two suits and five shirts.  When future generations of WUYS readers use the internet built into their brains to crack open the Crosby photo file, they won’t be able to tell one year from another.  His whole career is “circa navy suit.”

Last night culminated in the Hockey Canada Gala.  PK did that thing again with his wardrobe and Carey Price loved his beard as much as we do.

There’s John, almost appearing again.  I don’t see a single photo of him in what I presume was a suit… not one.  Who goes an entire pride-of-the-nation event wearing a shiny new Olympic ring and does not get photographed a single time?  John Tavares, folks.

Meanwhile in Vegas…

At NHL Awards 2014, media availability, Tazer discussed contract extensions, his lifelong commitment to Patrick Kane and he even almost smiled one time [video].

Maybe he was thinking about his pink shorts.

Giroux was there too – I tell ya, this guy could make a girl forget she hates the Flyer.  Whew.  So much so that I didn’t look at the video title and see SCOTT HARTNELL WAS TRADED [video].  Nine hours elapsed before I found this out!  If that’s not the truest sign of summer, take back my margarita.

It figures that Hartnell was only traded as far as Columbus, after the time they gave the Pens these past playoffs.  Why can’t people get traded to the KHL?  At least it was a swap for RJ Umberger (what I say when I think about calories for two seconds then order what I want anyway) and not Dubinsky.  That would be from bad to worse.

Claude also discussed his Hart nomination [video], which I hope he loses.

Ovi spent the week in Vegas posting drunken Instagrams, then spoke about the Caps new coach [video].  I wonder how much of the second thing had to do with so much of the first. Of course I screen capped a rather smug moment.

The NHL Awards broadcast tonight at 7 PM.  I am debating watching in real time or waiting until fast forward becomes an option.  My “I can’t watch The Office, it’s too awkward!”-phobia is at DEFCON ONE during these shows.  Either way, if I survive I will post tomorrow.  With some actual hockey content.

Better than a wind machine.

Or maybe his selection to Rant Sports’ 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat.  Jon is listed at #1.

Truth in advertising.

Happy 26th birthday, Jonathan Toews.

Right down the fairway.

We didn’t get to talk a lot about the Blackhawks this season, consumed as we were with life in the East.  If I could freeze time to watch hockey, I’d never miss a Toews game.  Chicago didn’t replicate last year’s season-start winning streak, they didn’t win the conference or even their division.  But they did just win four in a row to put down the Blues and advance to Round 2 like they owned the place. And after two Cups in four years, maybe they do.

Toews knows how to party.

I could talk forever about Tazer.  Suffice to say I wish he played for my team, or barring that I wish I got to watch him more often.  If I had kids – boys or girls, fans or players – Toews is who I would tell them to watch. Nowadays, they might even learn to have a little fun.

Video – Cabbie Presents: Selfies

Past JT19 birthday celebrations: 2011; 2012; 2013 As the Blackhawks await the winner of the Wild/Avalanche series, we hope Jon puts these days off to good use.  Rest that beat-up arm, do some squats, have some cake.  We’ll see you soon.

They look so grown up.

Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

Off to the interwebs to find something to care about.

Jonathan Toews will miss the rest of the regular season with an upper body injury sustained after a crushing hit (cue debate – clean/dirty/undecided) from Brooks Orpik.  I like the idea of Toews and Kane sharing a couch, watching hockey and shouting at the TV like I do with… you guys.  On Twitter.  That’s six games out for JT19 and he’ll apparently be 100% (Lindsay’s favorite expression) for the playoffs.

You can read about how Mike Green proposed to his fiancee, if you’re into that kind of thing (I am).  It obviously involves a pair of shoes.

Why don’t I have one of these?

John Tavares is part of the new CCM ad campaign, which presumably is to sell helmets and overly serious facial expressions.

Martin St. Louis scored his first goal as a New York Ranger… which pretty much sank Torts’ and his Canucks’ hopes of the post-season.  Forgive me if I don’t applaud.

In a related story, Ryan Callahan has 5G, 5A for the Lightning, who have clinched a playoff spot.  (Alexis and Lindsay clap.)

In total the East looks like this, and whoever wants to hold my hair while I throw up will be rewarded in her next life.

The Caps are circling the proverbial drain.  TWO POINTS COME ON YOU JERKS!  I apologize to the husbands and friends I’ve dragged to recent games with the promise of nachos.  It is impossible to eat such feelings of despair.

My only light of hope is the Rangers & Flyers could play each other in the first round and so many negative forces might combine to create a black hole that sucks both teams into another dimension where they never play the Penguins in Round 2.

If the Bruins win the President’s Trophy… I’ll say nothing publicly or to Chuck.  We’re already to the point of the season where we barely speak.

Here’s the West, which shows you why the Jets are writing cookbooks.  I hope Dallas staves off Phoenix because I know you guys love Tyler Tuesday and because I want to be nice to Chuck about something.  It has nothing to do with shirtless Jamie Benn playing ping pong.  Nope, not at all.

I somehow missed it three weeks ago when #TeamEbs & Co where stuck in an elevator.  My first thought is that I’ve seen Speed a hundred times, I’m totally qualified to perform a rescue in this situation.  My second thought is based on the month season the Oilers have had, maybe they should’ve stayed in there.

Also this gem  – think about it for a second.

Gabe Landeskog engaged in a Twitter conversation about which Disney hero he better resembles: Kristoff or John Smith (or Cinderella).

Erik Karlsson has 70 points.  That’s twice he’s broken 70 – each of the last two full NHL seasons.  The only other defenseman to top 70 points in the last 6 years (also did it twice)?  Mike Green.

Mike Green also started with limited tattoos and look where we are  now.

Source video. 100% Swedish.

Meanwhile Matt Niskanen has 42 points and still insists on dry-parting his hair down the middle.  Also, a turtle.  I will never stop thinking this is hilarious.

Today is another day for your team’s fortune to rise or fall.  Based on all the falling my teams have done lately, I’ll just bottle my frustrations like a perfectly normal hockey fan does with two weeks left in the regular season.

You know how it is.

Video: CBC – Defending Gold: Inside the Making of Canada’s Team

It’s thirty minutes inside the minds and meetings of Team Canada’s architects as they deliberate who’ll wear the red and white in Sochi just over a month from now. The Honorable Stevie Y presiding.

Showing these kids how it’s done.

From Olympic camp back in August, let’s talk about something that’s more awkward that Lucic’s face in this shot – Phanuef’s cardigan.  No, I’m kidding.  I cover my anguish with humor, people!  It’s how I cope.

I’m talking about Mike Green.

Mike is not going to Russia.  There are days when I’m surprised they even let Mike go to Caps games.   His exclusion from the 2010 Canada roster was considered by many a huge snub, a year in which he had 76 points (holy shit) and got his second straight Norris nomination.  Critics pegged Mike as “too offensive” – as in point-scoring, not bothersome – when CAN needed stay-at-home blueliners.  Well compared to 2010, this season is roadkill so I think we can just look away (from my broken heart).

Don’t despair for long.  Team Canada will not lack things to make me happy.

Gah, there is a polo shirt shop in heaven and I’d like to work there.

Most of our cast of The Bachelorette (Part 1, Part 2) are here, method-acting out the roles we assigned for our show:

The Quarterback, gazing into the distance at his achievable dreams with complete disregard for that ladder’s feelings.

The Kid practicing his cursive for writing notes in study hall.

The Class Clown making it all look fun.  (PK might lose this grin when he hears them debating him later in the show.)

The Hot One, rakishly ignoring the photo of his own crazy face in the background while testing the structural integrity of yet another folding chair.

The Quiet One and other French guys being French and quiet.

The Bromance being exclusive.

Fine, you make a better screencap.

Not lost on me was this moment of foreshadowing.  I believe this is the look Crosby and Kunitz gave Neal after a certain incident involving a knee and a head and the desire to make this team.

#disapprovingPenguinstare

The look inside Yzerman’s war room is fascinating, talking about pressure, second-guessing and the chemistry required to put together not only the best team, but the right team.  I got a little nervous when they talked about specific guys: Nash, #TeamEbs, Stammer’s injury.  “They will see this!  They’ll hear you!”  It makes no difference though; on January 7, Yzerman and Co. will have us on the edge of our seats.

Who will get a rose and who will be crying in limo?  Most importantly, what are we going to buy?

Now it’s your turn: give us your thoughts, surprising snubs and bets on Superman Stamkos getting the nod.  If Stammer and Tavares make the team, Tavares won’t wear 91.  My purchase decision anxiety mounts.

Side note: It’s nice to know Canadians suffer the same trials as Americans when it comes to online/in demand TV – being forced to watch the same commercials ad nauseum.

The Golden Goal was the moment my husband realized I am actually crazy.   Cheers in my building died immediately – except for mine.  Instead of being devastated by the US loss, stunned silent and saddened, I was screaming.  There was jumping and running followed by a lot of not knowing what to do with myself.  My love of Crosby topped my love of country (and a fairy-tale ending) that day and I am not ashamed.

Needless to say, I am excited for the Olympics.  I’m only slightly less excited for the onslaught of commercials that revolve around the Games – and with 40 days until Sochi, they have begun.  They have begun!

I CAN’T!!!!

Let’s start with John Tavares’ face game face.  And his voice.  Holy Hannah, somebody give this guy a phone book to read and let me pay for the podcast.

You giggled when he looked at the camera, didn’t you?  I did.  I still am. When someone tells you to be serious and you can’t keep a straight face to save your life, just try squinting.  His hair is flawless though.  Let’s get over this lower-body injury and get this coif back on the ice stat, s’il vous plaît.

(Side note: This video was posted December 6 and I just found it.  Three weeks!  Intern Jeff Skinner is so fired.)

Every year, Canada takes to reminding themselves that hockey is their sport.  So far I have encountered zero Canadians in danger of forgetting this, but it’s very patriotic and rousing and jealousy-inducing so here you go:

Ahhh, Donuts!  We haven’t mentioned Drew Doughty around here in a while. Nice to see his floppy flow again – which is promptly upstaged by a glimpse of Stamkos as brief and wondrous as our hopes that he’ll be healed in time for Sochi.  Marketing at it’s best.

Canadian Tire makes excellent use of resident superhero Jonathan Toews to pay tribute to all that goes into hockey, starting with his parents.

There’s also a :30 version of the commercial, a behind-the-scenes video from the shoot and an extended interview with John & his dad about their backyard rink.

Superhero smile

We Americans have seen Zach Parise’s charming face during every play stoppage for nearly a month.  This after-school special should come with PB&J.

There will be more heartstring-plucking, chest-pounding, flag-waving ads in the days to come.  If you see one first, send it to us!

2014 Calendar Shoot Teaser – Chicago Loves Pits

Warning: Video guaranteed to ruin your productivity and any current search for a real-life boyfriend.  100% increase in likelihood of pet adoption.

They really know how to dole it out in increments, these guys.

*sigh*