Me at 3 PM daily.

The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:

Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik

No one can see us in these jerseys.

To the Capitals!  Hello friends!  Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty.  The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks.  Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green?  New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs.  Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.

He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.

Thomas Vanek

Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back.  Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money.  Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island).  He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home.  Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.

Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.

Matt Moulson

Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall.  The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March.  Today he went back… to Buffalo.  To the worst team in the League last season.  That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.

I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.

The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go.  We’re coming for you, hon.

“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia

Jarome Iginla

The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys.  They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season.  They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla.  Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million.  We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.

Could still score on Roy.

Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.

My response to everything on UFA Day.

Paul Stastny

Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million.  At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year.  I need to talk to my boss about a raise.  Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?

Orange is the new Avs.

Ryan Miller

In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night.  Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise!  Who knows that will fall out.  Perhaps that is finally over.  Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.

Just don’t look at the punctuation.

Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.

Brad Richards

Sad Brad no more?  After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today.  Ho-ly crap.  New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful.  He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.

#partyhard

We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway.  NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.

Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.

Gingerbeard dreams.

There are so many more.  Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle.  Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida.  Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames.  Here’s the full list.  It will only get longer tomorrow.

Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.

The Bear in the Gang – A Christmas Spectacular

In this Bear and the Gang Christmas Spectacular, the team is all gathered in a cozy winter cabin where holiday hijinks ensue.

There are so many things that make me happy about this video, besides the high-cheese log factor and tin-canned laugh track.

This picture…I can’t.

“You mad, tree?”

Bergeron flashing those pearly whites before going of into the meadows to put that weedwacker to work.

Ricola?

Pocket-sized Lumberjack Torey Krug.  I hope you’re watching this, Dan Bylsma. Just give this kid a spot on Team USA already!

“It’s going down. I’m yelling TIMBER. You betta move. You betta dance!”

Dougie Hamilton as Reindeer #9.  You know Bartkowski made him wear this.  Speaking of..where is Barty in this video?  Seems like this would something right up his alley.

“Out of all the reindeer, you know you’re the mastermind.”

The Bear getting friendly with Iggy.  To be fair, if Iggy was sitting on my lap, I wouldn’t let go either.

“I’m going to love him and hug him and squeeze him!”

Carl Soderberg looking uber Swedish and confused.  Just through it in a gift bag with some tissue paper and call it a day.

Gift-wrapping? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Also confused – Loui Eriksson, lost in the snow.  Granted this video was shot before he was concussed by Brooks Orpik, but still…it’s kinda funny?  No?  Too soon?

Two of the things we love most in the world.

Put them together and let the seal-clapping and squeeeeeing commence.

The Boston Bruins released their own 2014 calendar – just in time for the holiday season, natch – and here are some of the highlights

I have no idea what is going on with Johnny’s shirt but honestly I really don’t care.  Because his face. And the fluffy puppy face. That dog looks as happy as I would be to have Johnny’s arm wrapped around me.

Things I love about this photo: Brad Marchand’s Sweater.  The dog’s name.  Great name for a dog.  If I ever get a dog, I am doing to name him Han Solo.  Or Lando Calrissian.  Either one would work.

Continuing with the Star Wars theme, next we have Iggy with his dog, Onja aka Yoda.  Yoda is killing it with those ears.  She might be carrying a little extra weight around the middle but let’s face it – it is friggin’ cold in Calgary.

How cute of a pair to Kelly and Mama Celeste make?  It doesn’t even matter that she is named after a microwaveable pizza! She’s adorable.  And Kelly holding on to her so gently is just precious.  Because you know at any minute she is going to jump out his arms and go skidding across the ice on those wee tiny paws of hers.

I want to take Roscoe home with me right now and rename him Han Solo and love him and squeeze him and pet him.  Oh and his picture also features Milan Lucic.  Who apparently went to the James Neal School of Awkward Dog Holding.

So much going on with this photo.  Despite the horribly unphotogenic background, I kind love this picture. You know how they say that dogs and their owners start to resemble each other?  Ladies and Gentleman – there is your proof right there.

Wiggles? Bubbles Lollipop? I can’t. Seriously, Wiggles.  He (she?) is werking it.  Smizing.  Fierce. Because I can’t for the life of me imagine Dennis “Der Hammer” Seidenberg actually naming his dogs this, so I’m going to assume that his children named them.  Or perhaps there is a softer, gentler side of Seids we don’t yet know about.

That sound you hear is my roommate @sailingfoodie collapsing on the floor and dying.  She is OBSESSED with bulldogs and spends hours creating a plan on how she would get her hypothetical dog up to our 3rd floor apartment.  (We were going to rig a rope & pulley system from our living room window and pull the dog up in a bucket, in case you were wondering.)

While Zorro’s cuteness is undeniable, the real winner in this photo is Gregory Campbell.  He’s one of the foxier Bruins and after that whole playing-on-a-broken-leg thing, he’s an out-right legend.

Of course they take the photo in front of the Bunker Hill Monument.  Because if there was anyone who would be from Charlestown, it would be Shawn Thornton.  You’ve seen The Town, right?  You can’t tell me that he wouldn’t have fit in perfectly as a bank-robbing extra.  Clearly, the greyhound must be his wife’s and the other is his.  Because there is no way that a guy like that has a little dog.

WEE LITTLE PUPPY!  TUUUUUUKKKKKKAAAA!  If he’d have put that hot dog dog actually in his goalie mitt, there would have been a nuclear cute-splosion and I would be writing this post from some desolate radioactive wasteland. Also, did you see the dog’s name?  Wishful thinking, little buddy, but I applaud your ambition.

Lola is adorable but there is just not enough juxtaposition in this photo.  Chara needs a smaller dog – like a Pomeranian.  Or a Maltese.  Can you imagine?  Just look at Chara.  He can’t even fit in the seats.  Sort of like me at a Red Sox game. #tallpeopleproblems

Not to be out done, even the Bruins management and coaching staff got in on the fun.

Bosco looks like a dog that Neely would have.  Big. Strong. Devastatingly handsome.

Peter Chiarelli and his pugs!  Butterballers!

Sadly no Patrice Bergeron, but I’m sort of glad for that.  Because if there was a photo of Patrice, wearing a sweater, holding a puppy…I’m not sure that I could have handled it.

Bruins’ 2014 Calendar is $20 + S&H and can be ordered here.

Big, huge, mega thank you to @lilfish77 for scanning these! 

If you weren’t crying, you were the Devils.  No – they were crying too.

This kind of thing doesn’t just happen.  Lately more and more players are moving teams in hopes of a final dash to the little table and a reason to shake Bettman’s hand like they mean it.  2013-14 will be no different.  Here’s a look at some veteran guys trying to get their grooves back.

Jarome Iginla – Boston Bruins

Dust yourself off and try again.  After the trade deadline excitement that sent Iginla to the Bruins Penguins this season, he has landed on the Boston roster.  I would have loved to see him get a full season with Crosby, but the Penguins have $5 to spend and Iginla, at 36, is not a bargain bin guy.

Really this time.

He’ll find a good fit with the Bs, whose team has changed quite a bit from what Iginla would’ve joined in March.  The deal is 1 year/$6 million (base salary plus incentives [link]) – a short term, high price, ‘show me what you’re working with’ contract.  Smart move by the Bruins, good choice by Iggy.

Daniel Alfredsson – Red Wings

If you’re old and want to win before you die, consider the Red Wings!  That should be their slogan.  After 17-years in Ottawa, Daniel Alfredsson peaced out in one big cloud of proverbial dust.

Seems legit.

Read the very funny Puck Daddy take on his departure (Harrison blows the cover on my lobster metaphor for good measure).  Alfie got 1 year/$5.5 million, a lot like Iginla, except he’s already 40.  He basically told the Wings to meet him at the dealership with the keys to a Camaro and no jokes about a mid-life crisis.  Will it work?  Both teams finished 7th in their divisions last year with 56 points.  If we were betting our last, fixed-income retirement dollar, we’d go with the Red Wings too.

Danny Briere – Montreal

I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Apparently fifteen teams were interested in Briere… and he chose the Habs.  Ugh, Danny, WHY!?!  I speak French!  I can estimate distances in metric!  (No, I can’t.)  Why don’t the Capitals care about me and bring me polite, elfin forwards once in a damned while?!  All they did was big fat nothing and I’m stuck here with Mike Green’s hand tattoos and Nicklas Backstrom’s babydaddy rumors.  It’s not like we don’t go to overtime!  GAH.

Old picture. Nice arms.

I admire the gutsiness of Danny’s choice.  He didn’t want to leave Philly, and he could’ve gone to the Islanders – they are $23 million UNDER the cap [CapGeek.com] and after the DiPietro debacle, they’d hardly be fazed if a washed-up old guy fails to hit the 20 goal mark.  Instead, Montreal is an impossibly tough media market.  A veteran player coming off an underperforming season and a compliance buyout could be made to suffer – and already has.  Google it, you’ll see a lot of Montreal fans are more sick about this than I am.  Danny signed for 2-years, $4 mill/year.

Now that Danny is a Hab and I’ll have to follow them a bit, here’s one Canadiens blogger rationally considering Danny’s career, potential and role on the new team.  He writes himself into being almost excited to have Briere on board.  That’s good enough for me.  As is this hilarious blog post, complete with LOTR reference.

Milan Hejduk – Not the Avalanche

For a second there, it was going to be “old folks dance at the family reunion” with Hejduk and Tanguay in Colorado.  Sadly, only I want that and just for Throwback Thursday’s sake.

Word is the Avs will not resign the UFA, who has been with the organization since 1998.  Last season, the Avs gave him a 1-year, $2 million deal.  He won’t get that again.  At 37, his agent says the best look will be a contract with incentives for putting up points (these count against the cap).  That sounds reasonable to me.  With teams giving $4 million-plus, single year deals without guarantees, I imagine Hejduk will find a place that has room under their cap to spend next season.

Jaromir Jagr – Who wants him?

One of many changes so far this off-season, the Bruins will not renew their lease on Jagr.  He made $4.55 million on last year’s contract with Dallas/Boston.  His agent says several teams are interested in signing the 41-year old [link].  Any guesses?  He’s still got it –  9 P in 11 reg season games, 10 A in 22 playoff games – but not to the tune of $4+ million.

(Note: We are not talking about Lecavalier here because 33 is not old. Jerks.)

Last night’s Pens/Sens game significantly reduced my risk of a heart attack.

Malkin said Neal was ready to bust out of his scoring slump [link], and it appears Geno knows a thing or two about hockey and his linemates.  Not only did Nealmobile have 2 goals last night, but so did Iginla.  There were so many hugs.

And toe drags.

There were post-game interviews.

Iginla/Crosby/Neal

And the NHL Network Cisco Arena Cam, the most awkward “where am I looking?” interview in sports.

Interview video here.

There was also the Gingerbeard, looking more ginger and more mysterious than any mysteriously ginger beard before it.

Seriously, why is it this color on Canadian TV:

And this color on American TV?

It’s ginger either way, but Canada’s RGB – I mean the color model but this could also stand for Ridiculously Gingerbeard – is turned waaaaaaay up for TV.  America’s appears to be more subdued, in any lighting.  Are our neighbors to the north manipulating TV to make ginger beards appear more ginger?

CANADA, YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Defensively, last night was pretty shaky, but not since Game 1 vs. NYI have the Pens looked so confident and composed on offense.  When asked if the Senators could come back, captain Daniel Alfredsson said:

“Probably not,” he said, “Their depth and power play right now, it doesn’t look too good [for us].” – CBC.ca

Call me crazy but I’m not counting anyone out.  I am, however, counting on these Penguins to show up Friday night to put this series away.  Mr. Pants’ birthday is this weekend and we’re going to a bluegrass festival Sunday, when Game 6 would be.  No one wants to hear me screaming for goals over the sound of a banjo and some spoons.

Oh what fresh HELL is this! The last 12 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. First, the drama of the Bruins/Candiens game. Never ceases to amaze me how these games can take me to the height of joy down to the bitter pit of despair so many time in a mere 60 minutes. At the disappointing end of last night’s game, I went to bed all wretched but optimistic that today would bring some glimmer of hope…namely in the form of Jarome Iginla.

Nope. Sorry. Not happening. Ray Shero is a dream crusher and life ruiner.

Ray Shero is also a cruel thief and magical wizard. I don’t know how he does his voodoo magic to make these great deals without sacrificing a single roster player. It is just not right. It is downright Faustian.

hilarious post from www.stanleycupofchowder.com

Interweb speculations says that Iginla changed his mind after seeing the Bruins lose to the Habs last night but I highly doubt that his decision was solely based on the outcome of a single game. I’m betting that the Bruins and Pens were his top choices and after careful consideration, he went with the team that he felt was the better fit for him.

Although it pains me admit, right now the Pens do look like the better team, but I worry about their defense and goaltending.  Letang on the IR and Fleury injured are never good things.  Can new acquisition Murray and backup Tomas Vokoun fill the void? Debatable….

I truly believe that Iginla would have been a better fit for the Bruins and their style of play.  He could have provided that goal-scoring, finishing ability that the Bruins need and the Pens definitely do not.  They are front loaded with fire power. Can’t someone throw a little something our way?

Our twitter feed is going to be insufferable today – all the Pens fans that Pants added squeeing and fangirling all over the place and everyone else pissed that they didn’t get Ignila or annoyed with all of those Pens fans.

With a little over a dozen games left in the season, it will be interesting to see what happens in the Eastern Conference.  But remember, the regular season is one thing…it’s all about the playoffs.

MEMO FROM PANTS’ CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS

Wow.  It’s only 10 AM and I (as part of the Pens fanbase) have been called a lot of names, via every social media platform available.  As I’m clearly obnoxious, insufferable, gloating, cocky, a fangirl and an ignorant jinx who only exists to ruin other hockey fans dreams’ all while prematurely hoisting the Cup, there isn’t much to say except that I’m happy for my team.

Haters gonna hate.

The Pens were a hard nine yesterday and today they’re a 10+.  But hot or not, they’ve still gotta keep winning.  If anyone learned anything: it’s not over till it’s over.  That goes for trades and it goes for seasons.  (Oh, maybe they also learned not to report news until it’s actually fact.)

Shero had a hand, he played it.  Iggy had a choice, he made it.  I hope it pays off for both, and the Pens, and for me.

Tanguay and the Flames have agreed to a five-year extension that will pay the offensively-gifted forward $17.5 million. [Article at NHL.com]

Alex and I go way back to when Crosby and Toews were learning multiplication tables.  Seriously, Stamkos was 11 when Tanguay won the Cup with Colorado. This goal…

And so Alex is my lobster.  He had a few tough seasons, but Iginla and I both love him.  Now he’ll get to keep contributing while the Flames try to figure out how not to be so terribly streaky and maybe make the playoffs.  There was quite the outcry when Calgary brought him back last season at $1.75 million, then he had 69 points.  He so deserves this and I’m thrilled to see him stay.

My response: I have been telling you this FOR YEARS.

And then, because truth is better than fiction, this:

Not because I wish I were Canadian.  Not even because Crosby is my favorite player on my favorite team.  Just because, as everyone realized for a few short days, hockey is awesome.

Maybe I’m a terrible American for how much I wanted this.  The US fought their hearts out, but this was the right ending for the story.  Just like our favorite Miracle on Ice story, sometimes fairy tales come true.

All the WUYS faves: Crosby, Iggy, Joey, Nash-ty, EStaal, TGB Doughty, Weber plus Old Man Neidermayer and Toews isn't even derping in the top corner.

On a not-so-side note, I feel this is also the opportunity to just put this out into the universe and hope someone is listening:  come back soon.  We miss you, the Pens miss you, heck I think even Dawn misses hating on you.   Today TSN read a roster of 40 players currently out with concussions (40!).  I held my breath hoping they weren’t going to say your name, that maybe you were surprising us all.  But there you were, almost last on the list.  It feels wrong to chase the Cup without you.

super sweet

If you don’t get the reference, you don’t know Jack so go ask your mama! I give you Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla – yes, that is his full, given name. And he owns it. He’s my squishy. Most call him Iggy, I call him Nomie, always have, always will but anyone who faces him on the ice, you can call him DANGEROUS! He can score on you and beat the crap out of you but he’s also a class act. His smile is infectious.

totally hot

When the other brother Daryl Sutter went MIA, Jarome was one of the few people, whose call he took. That says alot! On Team Canada, he was Sidney’s right hand man and it showed what Jarome can do when he’s not basement dwelling in Calgary.

always classy and good to fans

He’s loyal. He’s been a Calgary Flame his entire NHL career and amid the trade rumors, he’s been stead fast no matter what. He’s had two 50 plus goal years, he’s won the Rocket Richard, Art Ross, Lester B. Pearson trophies,  an ALL STAR and he’s an Olympic Gold Medalist. Whew. Enough said.

love him

Totally Foxy to me! I love him. I love his smile. I love his class. I love his talent. I  love that he fights. I love his loyalty.  I love love love him. Did I mention that I love him?

um... do you need help with that little man?

It was Mikka Kipprusoff’s 34th birthday and the Flames were up 4-1 in the second period.  There was a lot of this:

FREE HUGS!

And a lot of this, just because.  6 fighting majors were doled out during the game, along with an instigator penalty and 2 roughing minors.

Then Kipper started thinking about the sieve-shaped birthday cake Dawn was baking for him and gave up 3 goals in 10 minutes, resulting in a lot of this:

Lobster on the right, paying the price.

So we went to overtime, then to a shootout.  And this happened:

High score? What does that mean? Did I break it?

Ultimately the end result was:

Iginla's bet is paying off.

Both goaltenders were a mess – from standing on their hands to dropping their pants on alternating shifts.  There was a fight every 5 minutes, and twice they had to stop going to commercial because a dust-up broke out after the whistle.  One fight the cameraman couldn’t find till it was almost over.

The moral of the story is Alex Tanguay is playing great and I still don’t have him back on my fantasy team.  But I do believe in him, especially if he keeps making rink-wide slot passes like he did for Bouwmeester’s goal last night.  PS: Excellent last name. Almost as many useless letters as Antero Niittymaki.

Photos: Calgary Sun

That's even lobster read.

Alex got 2 goals and an assist on Sunday night vs Edmonton.

I was at Jimmy Buffett, but Dawn and I watched the game rerun.  It brought me great joy for Alex and Score: A Hockey Musical was discovered.  Here’s the longest AT interview I have ever seen.  So cute, so French!

“Alex Tanguay was a trending topic on Twitter Canada.” [read story]

Back on Sept 21 I tried to start #AlexTanguay.  I did that!  You know how well it worked.  Also, Canada has it’s own Twitter? What the what? I need to transfer over immediately (I use Yahoo Canada b/c I am crazy) and perhaps my Tweets will make sense to more than the 125 spambots who follow me.

I dropped Alex from my Fantasy Team on Sunday morning.

That’s the real truth, ye of little faith!  I waived Alex for someone who sure as heck didn’t earn 11 points that night.  This is what happens when you cheat folks; Carrie Underwood takes a Louisville Slugger to both headlights.  He hadn’t notched a point in days and I am a cold-hearted faith-failing traitor.  Sorry Alex, you showed me.

So now, do I put him back on my Fantasy Team?  There’s no right move.  It’s still very early and I’m emptying my wallet into the wishing well in hopes that this is just the beginning of a comeback season for Alex.  But am I willing to bet on it again?  Iginla says Alex gets 70-80 points this year.  Does it matter when my FTeam is so bad anyway?  I’m torn, and either way I’m still a jerk.

He might be Iggy's lobster too. I can share.