Up first: Sid, Hank and Tazer.  This is a good interview.  I had never seen Strombo before the NHL Awards and apparently he gets some flack for softball-ing questions, but I liked this.  It’s funny, insightful and touches on some interesting, oft-unasked things.  There’s enough room for a little personality to sneak in, elevating it just above sports cliche into a more natural conversation.  Strombo for Commissioner.

Now forgive me while I take this respectable interview and evaluate it superficially. (Future subtitle of my autobiography.)

You say: Crosby, Lundqust, Toews.  I say:

I may have had some sugar today.

Followed immediately by:

Everybody’s a critic

Meanwhile Sid looks like if he inhales deeply enough, that shirt will split.  It’s also navy blue – dark, yes, but are those black pants?  Oh boy.

Let’s talk about how great we are.

Henrik, in full custom couture (duh), puts on a handsome expression.  Wait, that’s his only expression.  It serves to mask the amateur hour he surely sees before him: dressed down and violating a cardinal contrast rule.  Hank thinks about being helpful, then remembers who won the Art Ross Trophy and is now in his division.  The King decides to let the Kid take a powder on this one.

You can never be overdressed or overly Swedish – er, close enough.

Having never heard Miranda Priestly’s speech on shades of blue, Sid doesn’t care.  He’s thinking about the interview, specifically hoping Strombo doesn’t bring up superstitions.  Which Strombo does.  Look how perfectly still Crosby sits – he’s frozen, like a petrified tree.  You can hear him thinking, “Don’t look at me, I’m not here.”  AND THEY DON’T!  What?!  His publicist must have been off-stage threatening the director with a high heel to the face if he cut to SidCam at that moment.

I’m a perfectly normal kind of crazy.

Across the table, Toews just basks in his own open collar coolness.  He’s laid-back, nursing the end of a tan and saying “heck” with no hint of awkwardness.  If he’d been American, he’d be a star quarterback.  It doesn’t even matter that Jon can’t shake the “Captain Serious” nickname, because all of his stories end in championships.

Over here in the Western Conference, with my Stanley Cups…

Notice how full the prop snack bowls remain throughout.  No one even snuck a pumpernickel chip out of the Chex Mix before this thing started.

Weakness? Never heard of it.

Sensing the interview coming to an end, Sid does what Sid always does: he finds another gear.  He makes those short-sleeved forearms count.  Next year, everyone will be wearing a polo  – except Henrik, of course.

Thinking about tiny pockets.

In all seriousness, I love their answers, especially Sid’s, on the You Can Play campaign question.  No one over-explains.  They just speak with quiet confidence as if it’s a non-issue nd anyone who has a problem with it will have to answer to these guys.  It must be great comfort to a player, present or future, thinking about taking that step.

Next up: Giroux, Seguin and Tavares.  Or a lion, a tiger and a baby otter.

Don’t listen to them, John!  (Okay, maybe a little.)

The internet is KILLING it today!  Hank directs a Head & Shoulders commercial and finds that if you want something done PERFECTLY you have to do it your own perfect Swedish self.

Between the slow motion and the leather jacket, we are a mustache away from a Mangum PI remake.  Starring a vampire.

(Thanks again to Lindsay, official finder of things that make our day.)

Henrik Lundqvist is probably a vampire.

I read a lot of young adult fiction, which clearly qualifies me as an expert on this topic.  Not just Twilight, but Chuck and I are racing through The Mortal Instruments series and everyone’s saying we need to read Vampire Academy.  My point was proven yesterday when I assumed everyone knew that vampires are very fast.  Apparently their secrets are still safe from some humans.

Look at these photos, consider the traits they capture and tell me this is a normal human being:

• Ridiculously handsome

Click any photo for higher res, or visit the new edition of MrPorter.com.

• Preternatural agility, speed and reflexes

• Nearly unflappable calm

You may ask (I hope you’re not asking guys, come on. Really.) how a vampire could show up in photos.  Well it worked on Buffy, and around here what Joss Wheadon says, goes.

• Classic, elegant style in keeping with any era of history.

• Does pretentiously uber-wealthy things like lie on pianos over imported tile without irony

• No reflection in this window

• Doesn’t age

• Sparkles in the sun

• Lives in the city that never sleeps

• Perfect teeth

• Casually eschews basic human prejudices, like wearing black with navy

• Visits Italy

GQ.com feature

• Feasts once a year, in the playoffs, on the bright red blood of the Washington Capitals

I’m onto something here, I can feel it.  Maybe it’s because I just finished A Discovery of Witches (not YA, thanksverymuch), which reads like 594 pages of describing King Henrik to someone who’s never watched a Rangers game.

Now excuse me while I put on Concrete Blonde’s Bloodletting and plan my Halloween costume.

And my Twitter feed:

Too much?  Not enough?  Keep scrolling for more cute.

Rangers, Flyers… it’s not the kids fault.

Parker Staal has his own Tumblr feed, thankyouverymuch.

Madison Quick could be our mascot. When she grows up, we have a feeling she’ll love being named after the mermaid from Splash!

This is Joe Thornton, in case you’re not Chuck.  She knows.

Baby skates.  Just stop it.

We have not seen a picture of Baby Letang yet, but rumor has it Marc-Andre Fleury and his wife are expecting.  Milan Lucic and his wife of the sparkly high heels are having a baby this winter too.  Happy holidays, everyone!!

The event, created by Scott Hartnell, Todd Fedoruk and  Joe Watson from the Caesar’s resort group, featured teams of NHL players in a charity fundraiser for Hurricane Sandy relief.  It sold out Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall to nearly 11,000 fans – most of them Rangers and Flyers fans.  They got to see…

James Neal score four goals.  Get it, baby.

Photo by nealwithit18.tumblr.com

Brad Richards and Scott Hartnell were the team captains, which is an impressive amount of hockey hair leading the charge.  Just for Ashley (@a_rake), here’s a photo of Brad doing #longhairdontcare with his helmet off:

Team Richards won 10-6, thanks mainly to King Henrik doing what he does (second) best – goaltending.  He made 56 saves!

His first and most appreciated talent will always be just being this:

Our friend Sonia (@lihui815) clearly knew what she was doing: Documenting the Flow.  Check out all her photos here.

Remember when we were brainwashed and liked Stamkos’ long hair?

I’m so glad those days are over.  Also, Steven is a wonderful human being who signed a puck for a girl whose sign said:

from Puck Daddy

WAITWAITWAIT.  I just have to write something and he’ll do it?  

How long can the sign be?  Can I have more than one sign?  Are there kids in this audience?  They can’t read anyway, right?

Now if someone could talk to iCarly about his hair…

Though there’s something quite Roman gladiator-esque about this look that works for him.  I’m thinking shield, bronze kilt, thighs.

And of course, Scott Hartnell.  He and I really have the same hair.  I’m just not lucky enough to be ginger.

Now back to the good part.  These two photos are from Instagram (kirstenfrances) via Tumblr, and she should get credit for having such an eye for perfection.  We don’t know her, but we love her.

This scored four goals.   Just take a moment to soak it all in.

Bravo to everyone who contributed their time and effort to make Operation Hat Trick a success, and it sounds like a lot of fun.  There’s talk of another charity game, perhaps in NYC, perhaps when I have stopped eating 9000 calories a day or have purchased snow pants to wear.  Either way, it’s a field trip.

Photos from the event were a bit limited.  If you’ve got good ones, let us know!

There were a few bright spots, like Will Arnett.  Especially when he shanabanned Ovi for blocking Brooks Laich’s parking spot and sentencing him to ride on the back of Mike Green’s scooter.

WHY CAN’T THIS BE REAL LIFE?

While peering between our fingers at the anguish of embarrassment onstage, we of course noted how well-dressed and handsome most of the NHL looked.  After months of beards that would get a guy double-frisked at the airport, it’s a reminder that hockey players clean up pretty nicely.  Here are some of our favorite fashion moves:

THE PLAID

If you Google “Giroux plaid suit,” three of the top six results are from this blog. No joke.  That’s 42% – the same percentage of Claude Giroux‘s clothes that are plaid.  Coincidence?  He wore this to Media Day:

One plaid is not enough.

Of course, the plaid-tasticness on display at the Awards ceremony, where Claude was announced as the EA Sports NHL13 cover winner.  He said, “I’m not sure I’m a model.”  Only because celebs don’t get photographed wearing the same clothes every damned day.

Claude did bring something new to the show – BizNasty.  This was my favorite moment of the Red Carpet because all three of them were thinking the same thing (as the rest of us): Sex tape.

THE VEST

This is by far our favorite fashion trend.  Adam Henrique has been wearing this three-piece suit for weeks now – hey, he had to do a lot of playoff pressers.  Here’s hoping he’s got a whole closet full of them.  The purple tie/lavender shirt combo is trending without being obnoxious.  While he didn’t win the Calder, he still looks like a Major Award.

The last time Steven Stamkos won a Rocket Richard Trophy, he wore a shiny silver suit.  It was okay if you really like Ben Stiller’s character from Dodgeball, but Stammer also had to stand next to Crosby the whole time.  This year, he knew just how to hog the spotlight:

I missed the part where he dipped Cheryl Burke to the floor and blushed like a bride. (Chuck did not.  It was swoon-inducing.)  Probably a good thing, I can only handle so much Stamkos smiling.  Erin Andrews approves:

THE SKINNY TIE

Tuesday, Gabriel Landeskog joked about wearing a bow tie to the Awards.  It would have been nice knowing you, melted interwebs.

Alas, Gabe chose this hipster skinny tie and while it is just a tad too short, you can’t even be disappointed with the way he looks.

Gabe the Babe

Landeskog dedicated his Calder Trophy win to his grandfather, making us all cry.  So many emotions and landeskoging – good thing we’re already teenage girls on the inside. [video] Also, Charlie Conway/Pacey Whitter presented the award.  Time to break out the Cruel Intentions DVD, we think.

THE NO-TIE

We know Evgeni Malkin loves the casual look, from his parade of questionable t-shirts.  But Geno brought his A-game to the Awards, sporting the open-collar, “I could be in the Mafia” look to pick up all his awards – the Lindsay, Hart and Art Ross Trophies, as well as our special award for being the Most Adorable Panda.

If this doesn’t make you squee, check your emotion chip because your android brain is malfunctioning.

THE F-BOMB

Oh, come on!  We all said it when we saw Henrik Lundqvist.  So what if he dropped it on TV, it’s not like you were on NBC or anything.    They should make him a special edition Vezina Trophy that’s just a mirror.  A big one.

THE MAYBE NEXT YEAR

Apparently it takes a few days for a $45.5 million check to clear, or Erik Karlsson would have had a new suit.  We’ll give him a pass because winning the Norris Trophy at 22 is kind of a big deal.  However we suggest this hot-pink-and-black look be reserved for a cool pair of custom sneakers or an ironic prom.  It’s too shiny.  The pants were bordering on high-waters.  That shirt burns our irises.

Also, the Uncle Rico mustache has to go.  Call us in September before NHL Media Day, please.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

ADDITION: ACK! I was expecting Chuck to add Bergeron and I forgot to remind her!  Patrice and his Selke Award were equally flawless last night… and holy cow, his girlfriend is a fox too.  *Sigh*  Some people have all the luck.  He is beyond classy.

Did we miss anyone?  We were a little busy planning our outfits for this shitshow next year, because there is no excuse to stay home.

Missing it this year was a turrible awful mistake on our parts.  It will never happen again.  Maybe Karlsson should keep the pink shirt so I can point and laugh while Mike Green carries away the Norris… okay, I’m getting delusional.

Back to looking at stilettos…