Last night, Sid scored three very necessary goals to lead the Penguins to a 6-5 victory over Ottawa.

I won’t take credit for this particular scoring surge, but ask Lindsay if it might be the result of a conversation we had yesterday. I once ended the lockout, you know.

Hopefully this is a sign for the Pens, who currently hold the last EC wild card slot. The East is all jammed up: seven teams within two points, and all for third in the division.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

On Monday, Sid told press, “Our playoffs basically start now.” And he kinda smiled when he said it. [Video]

Somebody got a new hat.

While you were enjoying the Penguins goals and wondering WTAF they were doing between goals, I was practicing yoga with this Sid workout clip.

(Bless @Kiki5851 for finding this.)

Except I only managed Shavasana, where you lay on the floor looking dead while trying to compose yourself. I have elite skills.

Bonus feature.

Then, the Twitters told me that freshly-returned-from-injury Connor McDavid did this:

Well, shit. That is an amazing goal. Tell me again what you were doing in 1997, when he was born? My Home Ec class egg baby is older than Connor McDavid. (Haha, #TeamEggBaby it is!)

Alas, I saw no actual hockey AGAIN. I will be sending this post to the suggestion box at NHL TV – which probably does work, because obviously.

Pre-game video that makes you question loyalties.

I LIED. BEARDS ALWAYS.

Did anyone know about this? I’m glad you didn’t warn me. #TeamEbs turning up in November looking like he might if the Oilers ever made the playoffs is a revolution. He missed the first 13 games with a shoulder injury sustained on September 29. He obviously spent this time very, very well.

Post-game, the beard was still there. Thank heaven, because if I were going to hallucinate something, it would definitely look like this. The Oilers locker room has really nice lighting, no?

Post-game video that needs a hug.

Bonus: Jordan Eberle Halloween commercial.

Oilers side note: The PUPPIES have a social media campaign about PUPPIES. Okay, other animals are eligible but they are clearly reading @alisonsykora‘s Tweets.

This is so meta.

Since it’s Monday, and Jordan Eberle & Mike Green train together in the off-season [What is this machine and how do I get a job making sure they use it properly?], I feel compelled to report that this is still amazing.

Post-game video that is now wash-and-go.

Ugh, Capitals. You will never be the same.

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

Then yesterday I opened the WUYS Twitter and saw 17 notifications. Either Jonathan Toews did a ceremonial face off against his tiny dog, or…

Aaron Ekblad’s humbeTweet

Yup. Everyone is demanding Aaron Ekblad be carbon-dated to prove his age. Which is 19, I’m probably legally required to remind you. Thanks to @ErinMiHaley for this one.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Chris Higgins in the beard post. He is just back from a foot injury and, well, you can’t flash your abs on every play.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

Last, but not least, nothing has changed for our favorite Gingerbeard down in Nashville: still rocking the scruff, still getting into trouble.

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me.” – Miranda Priestly

On Thursday, James Neal took out Zach Parise. You could take Yahoo‘s headline opinion (quoted from Wild coach Suter), that hit was “dangerous, reckless”, or go with CBS Sports‘ feeling that the hit “doesn’t look dirty on Neal’s part.” You be the judge:

To me it’s clean enough, though awkward and ill-timed. From another player, I don’t know that this hit would be a conversation piece. At least Nashville seems to have had the sense not to let James speak to media post-game. Zach is week-to-week, after scoring 7 G in 12 games, so we hope he’s back on the ice soon.

With a beard.

Who else is sporting an excellent early-season pelt? Send them my way before they shave down to 1970’s cop-style Movember ‘staches.

UPDATE: Patrick Roy’s beard is perfect. For every time you just want to lose your $%&@ and scream at someone, think of this and feel zen.

Submitted by Henriikkax!

Don’t hold your breath.

Dallas Eakins got fired

Most bosses should be so lucky as to tread water for ages while their ship breaks in half and sinks beneath them like the Titanic.  The Oilers are in a special place we refer to as DFL – dead effing last.  They have 7 wins in 31 games for a total of 19 points.  (Intern Jeff Skinner just threw his juice box at me, because the Canes are in the same boat – literally.  At the bottom of the ocean.)

Well, shit.

This would be post-worthy if only for the excuse to search “David Tennant sad” on Google Images.

Kidding. He probably wanted to go.

Who will coach the puppies?  Perhaps Craig McTavish for a bit.  The man played his entire career with no helmet, so that’s apt.  If that doesn’t work, I’m always available. I’ve been training my puppy Blue and am happy to report 12 potty accident-free days!  He’s also mastered getting on the couch by himself and eating an entire cardboard box.  Free intermission entertainment.

Whaaaaaaaaaa?

Crosby got the mumps

What’s most surprising is not that the mumps still circulate after the vaccine was introduced in 1967.  Apparently even with a booster, that vaccine is only 88% effective (not 87%), so this isn’t an old-timey thing or bad karma from anti-vaxxers.  It could happen to you.  No, the surprising thing is that it happened to Sid.  It mostly spreads through saliva, and so I thought, “STOP KISSING COREY PERRY!” (I’m kidding.  Shudder.)  As someone who got mono in high school from kissing precisely no one, I assure you this isn’t funny.

Really, I’m fine. Giggity.

The Penguins took some serious optimism supplements to let Crosby practice and do interviews looking as he did Friday. He was set to play in the weekend’s back-to-back games for a minute there.  He could have scored 10 goals because the other team refused to come near him.  They could have played “My Humps” as his goal song. (Sorry, but every time someone says “mumps,” I think it.)

Don’t be creepy.

Then I read this Puck Daddy post on mumps and how gross the on-ice game of hockey is, aside from practices and sharing meals and being locked inside a pressurized petri dish flying from city to city.  Now I’m swabbing my entire office with Clorox wipes while wearing a surgical mask leftover from a 28 Days Later promotion.

Beau Bennett has also been tested for mumps. If Sid’ got it and Beau’s got it, you know Borts is either next or immune like Hagrid is to stunning spells because he’s got giant’s blood.

Slava Voynov went to court

The Kings’ Slava Voynov has a very serious domestic violence charge against him, and the details of the alleged attack revealed in today’s preliminary hearing are awful [link].  He has plead not guilty and his wife requested he not be charged [link].  Voynov is on indefinite suspension from the NHL, including team activities – like practices, the violation of which cost the Kings $100k [link].

Tomas Vokoun retired

According the a report cited at NHL.com, Vokoun has decided to retire.  He was sidelined two seasons ago as a member of the Penguins with blood clots in his pelvis.  He also played for the Habs, Preds, Panthers and Caps, and always kind of reminded me of Jude Law.

Winner of 300 NHL games

EDIT: Just as I thought there was nothing upbeat to post, it’s Tyler Seguin to the rescue.  In tights and with mistletoe hanging above his head, of course, so I don’t even need to make a joke about sitting on someone’s lap.

All I Want for Christmas is you, and you. And maybe even that other guy.

Day 10 is a success.

Guys, hold me back.

This week is the 3rd Annual Jordan Eberle & Friends golf tournament for the Hospitals of Regina Foundation.  The event included a fundraising dinner called the Centre Ice Classic last night, featuring, as promised, Ebs & friends:

Bachelorette casting call, right this way.

Someone finally took our bachelor auction idea and put it to work – sort of.  People bid on spots to golf with celebrities, like #TeamHallsy:

There’s a pic of Gagner in this shirt, I swear.  

He went for $10,000?!  Does it guarantee he wears this chambray shirt? That’s $9,372.94 US dollars – @amandalitty and @jfrancesw might need some donations to reach that mark. We should do a Kickstarter campaign, yes?  Hell, this freaking guy raised $44,022 to make freaking salad!  We’d have enough left over to get something nicer better I’m kidding more expensive…

Just saying, that’s 50% more.  Those are expensive jeans.

Too bad this interview was before the auction, because I imagine the conversation would have been much more exciting after.

“Amanda and Jess just left me up there like….” while RNH gloats.

I don’t see where golfing with Ebs went for $44,023 USD, but I assume it happened because he’s got at least $1 more fair market value than potato salad.  I believe the auctioned golf happens today, so perhaps more pictures tomorrow.  Not that they could be cuter than this:

Higher-res, even cuter.

Since you’ll never get over that picture, or the hope #TeamBoyband will break into a choreographed dance routine involving folding chairs, remember this: with #TeamSam traded to every team in the League, Jordan Eberle is now the longest-serving Oiler in games played [link].  Feel old?  That’s what boybands do to a girl.

Completely gratuitous unrelated amazing photo. (source)

Now get to saving your money for next year.  Get a side job, rob a bank, we don’t care.  Save Hallsy!  Don’t make him give Amanda this look for spending all her money on nail polish when he put on that nice shirt and everything.

Enter this contest here, so #TeamHallsy feels loved.

As always, this post is tagged PUPPIES.  Because truth.

And hello to their off-season golf shorts, boats-on-lakes and selfies.  Amirite?

Who will carry on this proud tradition while Gabe makes the post-season?

Before it’s over, a last look at some players we haven’t looked at in a while.

Adam Henrique

Someone just asked for more Adam Henrique around here and we are nothing if not obliging.  Did you know Adam was named one of the NHL’s Three Stars of the Week twice this month?  He was #2 the week ending March 2, with three consecutive multi-point games and the team lead in PPG and SHG.  Then he was #2 the week ending March 9, scoring a League-leading 5 goals to round out a 6-game streak with 9 total goals.  It took him to the team lead in goals (23), which he now shares with Jagr.

The week ending March 16, Adam didn’t win anything.  But he did look like this and we think that’s worthy of applause.

(SI.com: The Devils could still make the playoffs.)

The Oilers

Pound Puppies.  From the high to the low – no Oilers are winning any prizes these days, unless it’s a summertime lifeboat trade off the Titanic.  Edmonton’s lost their last three by scores of 5-2 (Sharks), 8-1 (Flames) and 3-1 (Sabres).  The Calgary game was especially ugly, featuring another fed up fan throwing a jersey onto the ice.  And Ben Scrivens throwing it back.

Edmonton Journal story: Scrivens defends the logo.

His aim is pretty good – maybe he should be a forward.

Speaking of forwards with good er, bad aim, Taylor Hall slammed a water bottle and soaked coach David Tennant Dallas Eakins.  It looks far less dramatic than it sounds, and why does every Canadian news outlet link to this crappy YouTube?  Are you saying even in Canada no one was watching Flames vs. Oilers?  Now that carries some sting.

Both #TeamHallsy and Coach Eakins spoke of diffusing the situation [link].  It doesn’t change the numbers (EJ: RNH, Eberle, Ference second-half slumps), the standings or anything but what the team may look like when October comes around again.

Intern Jeff Skinner

Aw, Skins.  He leads the Canes with 27 goals, just four off the pace of his Calder Trophy-winning rookie season.  Everyone said he scored so many (then sophomore slumped so hard) because defenders realized they needed to defend him.  Either they’ve forgotten again or Jeff’s beating them – either way, nice rebound.  The off-season could bring big changes for the Canes coaches and players, with Jeff rumored to be on the trading block [link].

This job ain’t easy.

Jordan Staal

A name I haven’t said in ages, Jordan has 15 goals and 39 points.  It could almost look good compared to his trade counterpart Brandon Sutter’s 11G/13P.  Then you wake up and realize BSutts plays for the Penguins and Jordan is a Hurricane.  They were really going to be something, right?  I thought them a bubble team at least.  Maybe next year, or any one of the other contract years Jordan didn’t want $60 million to play 3rd line Pittsburgh center and ever see the post-season.

Tumblr caption, better than mine.

Shea Weber

Without the Olympics, and specifically ping pong, I might have forgotten about Shea Weber entirely this season.  Until playoffs of course, when I will miss his scraggly man-beard and erudite caveman spectacles.  He leads Nashville with 46P, and has a team-second 18G.  18 goals from a defenseman (3rd in the NHL) almost leads your team.  Oy vey.  At least the Predators have the sense to host a wine festival on April 24 – no players advertised to attend though, their season will be long over by then.

Mesmerized and Terrified: The Dan Hamhuis Story

Bobby Ryan

Just announced: Bobby will miss the rest of the season for sports hernia surgery [link].  He’s been playing injured since November until a last straw in Saturday’s game vs. Dallas.  Still, he leads the Senators with a career-low 23 goals.  Read that again.  Consider the Ducks’ 99 points and 46-18-7 record.  You could have let the guy play in the damned Olympics, at least!  Instead Bobby spent the Olympic break getting engaged (sigh) in Paris (double sigh) and then (we assume) reuniting with his cats in a moment worthy of Homeward Bound.

John Tavares

Welp.  Even without his season-ending injury in Sochi it would soon be time to say summer to our favorite hot middle school science teacher and part-time model.  We leave you with this for remembrance purposes:

(Seriously HOW have I never seen that before?)

 Michael Del Zotto

I almost left him off – it’s been a rough year – until he joined Instagram while I was writing this. (Practically true – instagram.com/MDZofficial.)  Could this be the man carrying the boats-and-selfies banner?  I would not complain.  Just watch out for sharks.

Don’t know what this is from, don’t care.

While we’d like to see some of these guys play into May or beyond, this is not the time of year to be nice.  There’s no room for 3rd and 4th favorites, for interns or Cinderella stories when my heart is full of so much…  excitement?  Is that what this is?  Fear?  Hope?  Bile the color of Flyers’ jerseys?  Just wondering gives me chest pains.  Other teams will miss the playoffs (please don’t be the Caps, she whispers) and we’ll talk about them when they do.  For now, it’s still anybody else’s game.

Without posting the entire Tumblr tag (Honestly, where do people find this stuff?), it’s safe to say you wish you went on to Cabo on spring break.

With the Oilers.

Puppy Bowl!

Do we want to know what happened to #TeamHallsy’s head? Presumably it was hockey-related, but I’m pretty sure he almost knocked himself out once by crashing into Ebs’ backside climbing a flight of stairs.

Nominating Amanda for lifeguard duty.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Cabo:

How big is Cabo? This was probably across the street.

And this? Docked right outside the lion cub petting zoo, I bet.

Cabo was like hockey Comic-Con last week (complete with stereotypical villain played by Raffi Torres).

Like any good vacation, the Olympic break left us tired and spent. We’re glad to have the NHL back but we’ll miss spring break, just a little.

Only kidding.  Congratulations Intern Jeff Skinner on his first career hat trick!

Look how excited everyone is!  Especially Jordan!

Especially us!

Not you, Malfoy!

And these people in the Intern Jeff Skinner Fan Club – Nashville Chapter!

(Psst: We told you so.)

Only kidding, TSwizz.  Sort of.

Forget that.  More exclamation points!!!!!  Jeff now leads the Canes with 9 goals – 6 of those in the last 4 games.  Hot streak, hot streak.

Last night’s third goal was an empty netter, but we’re not going to be picky since he doesn’t bother us about paying him to work here.  Speaking of which, that water cooler isn’t going to refill itself, Jeffrey.

First thing, okay?  No slacking off now that you’re big time.

After all, you could be like #TeamHallsy who had his 4th career hat trick last night.  Or more-than-hat trick.

Did someone bring an extra bra in her purse?  In Case of Hat Trick, Throw This.  Or did she take it off as the moment struck?  In today’s team meeting, the Oilers will undoubtedly scan the game’s raw footage for a shot of her wiggling it free under her #4 jersey.

Yet I can’t do that when on of our favorite faces has returned to a) it’s former adorableness and b) the game of hockey.  So this week, it’s finally time for #TeamSam.

Sam Gagner is 24.  He seems more like 29, according to Lindsay, probably because he is the Nanny Green Socks to all these Muppet Babies.

(Which he likely doesn’t remember, proving he is not 29.)

Let’s start at the beginning.  Sam is from Oakville, Ontario and his dad Dave Gagner spent 15 seasons in the NHL.  Sam played junior for the London Knights on the same line at Patrick Kane.

He is old-timey BFFs with his near neighbor, John Tavares.

I know. Shut up, Pants.

Gagner was drafted 6th overall in ’07.  He had 49 points in 79 games that season, alongside former Foxy Friday Andrew Cogliano and Robert Nilsson on the Oilers first installment of the Oilers’ Kid Line.  Here are Sam’s career stats, which don’t mention that he once scored 8 points in a single game.

Nowadays being 24 makes Sam a grizzled veteran on the Oilers.  But like all the boys in the band, he’d had a few run-ins with bad luck, sharp things and probably walls/chairs/puppies.  In 2011, a teammate’s skate severed a tendon in his hand [story].  This pre-season, Vancouver’s Zack Kassian bashed Sam’s face in with a stick, resulting in a broken jaw for Sam and an 8-game suspension for ZK.  Also a lifetime ban from Foxy Friday.

We hate broken jaws.  In a morbidly curious way, we appreciate a selfie of said broken jaw posted to Twitter – but will still put it behind this link because it’s horrifying.  Thanks, Sam.

Luckily, the resilience of Sam’s youth is strong.  He rejoined the Oilers lineup Tuesday after missing 13 games, having a plate and six screws put into his face and without four of his teeth [link].  That’s hockey.

Sam went as late-2013 Crosby for Halloween will wear a big visor/jaw protector combo until at least the Olympic break.  After all this, and his first game back, Sam looks just fine to us [video].

In fact, he still looks like:

Except when his hair is long, and he resembles:

Over the summer, Gagner signed a $14.4, 3-year contract extension with the Oilers.  Then he made an even longer term deal with his girlfriend and got engaged.  This wedding will melt Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram/my heart.  His fiancee is a doctor, no less – these spaztastics ought to keep her busy.

Will Sam go for Movember under that helmet jaw guard?  We can’t say we hope so, but it doesn’t take much to win against this team.

We could go on for days – and we will.  For now, here’s Sam on Ask an Oiler.

As for hockey, the Oilers are, well, the Oilers (read: last in the west).  So let’s hope for more of these:

None of these:

And maybe a few of these:

Before summer comes around again.

If you’re not following Sam on Twitter (@89SGagner), then how can you expect to see awkward photos of #TeamRNH and #TeamSchultz playing guitar?  Or RNH wearing pants made from the khaki equivalent of a tin foil marathon blanket for Halloween?  Really, get on this.

Happy Friday!

Like whooping, twirling and scaring Intern Jeff Skinner excited.  (We don’t let him work the Halloween Party.)  Then yesterday, more screams were heard ’round the world as Lindsay and Alison whipped these around the internet.

Alison found this teaser:

And she was all, “WHAT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!”

But today, the full length video went up.  And it was this face all day:

Try it for yourself:

My lifelong brand loyalty to Coca-Cola has been validated in a way I could never repay at the cost of soda these days.  When a server asks, “Is Pepsi okay?” I always say, “No.”  Now I will say it much louder.

So many things.  First the narration is so Ron Burgundy-esque that I bet they’re broadcasting from a hot tub full of scotch.  Steven’s boyfriend sweatshirt is in full effect.  Then it actually says “let his stick do the talking.”  I swear, no one runs this stuff by girls.

Oh wait, they do.  Adorable outtakes?  Insightful B-roll?

Oh my, it’s really pronounced “RegIna.”  I was hoping that might not be true.

Wait until Stamkos blames it all on John Tavares while casually drawing your focus to how well his shirt fits.  We know where to look, Steven.

All this attention is making #TeamEbs nervous.

Okay, I love everyone.  My crappy day at work is erased as I watch this on a loop.

There is a second, deleted video of more chirping.  I tried to find it but the only Google results for “eberle stamkos” are this blog and fanfiction.  So basically this blog twice.  If anyone turns it up, we want it!

For  now, enjoy Cabbie giving Stammer acting lessons.  The next time a guy asks why girls go to the bathroom together, say you’re working on this.

Or just say:

POST SCRIPT: From Lindsay, courtesy of Sharp Magazine.

Click photos for super hi-res. You’re welcome.

Bonus: Joffrey Lupul in suits.

If you want to feel even older, fall asleep during an Oilers game and know that Ryan Nugent-Hopkins stayed up later than you did.

Pre-game interview, Post-game interview

He also scored a goal in his first game back from shoulder surgery, which catalyzed the Oilers to a 4-goal comeback and shootout win.

Thanks #TeamRNH.  Next time can you do that before, say, 11:30 PM Eastern?

#TeamHallsy also had a goal because Amanda bought a shirt with his number on it yesterday.  It’s like a gift with purchase (crooked hat not included).

Pre-game interview

Of course, #TeamEbs had the shootout winner.  Not to brag.

The Oilers new coach, Dallas Eakins, stood behind the bench and freakishly resembled the 10th (and best) Doctor Who.

Now to the fun stuff.  Thanks to everyone who sent this video of the Oilers Amazing Race.  Someday I will be on the real Amazing Race, and eliminated on day 1 because I cannot drive a stick shift.  It’s a recurring nightmare of mine.

The Oilers required no such skills… just a stretch SUV to deliver them.

Horrible decision, re-think immediately.

Not that I’m #TeamHallsy anyway, but obviously we’d make a terrible pair on the roads.  At least Yakupov is a worse driver than we are.

That’s a wall.

Hey, look what is an actual thing and not just #TeamShultz!  It’s the other Schultz (Nick), though.

Our #TeamSchultz is here, demonstrating horrendous 80’s movie-inspired karaoke skills.  I qualify for ALL of these teams.

Ryan’s into it.  He’s almost got jazz hands there.

Meanwhile #TeamEbs says, “I’ll just be over here, wearing my boyfriendsweater.”

And Sam Gagner replies, “Got nothing on my Hobbitsweater.”

This one’s for Chuck, plus Lindsay (#TeamGagner – can we just call it #TeamSam?) and Alison (#TeamSchultz).  Good luck ever getting produce, ladies.  Self-checkout is not for the faint of heart.  I’d feel better if Sam wore a cage 100% of the time to protect his broken jaw.

There is, of course, a moment in this event where WUYS took over planning and art direction.  That would be the Paddleboard Competition.

Everybody wins.

So welcome back Nuge, to the game, and the Oilers to the thrill of victory.  May you be disturbingly adorable all season.

Really, stop it.  You’re 12.

Keep it up, Oilers TV and you could make a run at Blackhawks TV for our favorite team marketing tool.  Rubber duckies are a good start, but you’ve got a long way to go to top Joey the Junior Reporter.

Please note, I have tagged this post PUPPIES!

• Stamkos
• #TeamEbs
• Cabbie
• Coca-Cola

The answer would be zero, but that’s already the name of this campaign.

These two will star in the next “Moment Zero” feature for Coke Zero.  The first brought us Kevin Wheeler, and Ebs’ distractingly perfect and probably autobiographical performance as a guy whose mom drives him to games [link].

What do you think this one is about?

Here’s a Vine from TSN in which Stamkos tries to trade Cabbibe his Ebs action figure for what looks like a bag of Ring Dings.  I love ya, Jordan, but a bag of Ring Dings is a really good offer.

Back to the shoot, which took place on August 8.  How I managed not to see this for 11 days… the internet is full of marvels, people.  FULL.

Steven’s Clark Kent hair.

The idea of hockey players in national ad campaigns, during which people actually recognize them, makes me want to throw this keyboard out the window and walk to Canada.  It’s only 655km, according to Google Maps, which converts all measurements involving Canada to kilometers because it mistakenly assumes only Canadians wants to know the distance.  I want to know!  I don’t understand you!  (Calm and converted – it’s 407 miles.)

The only way this ad could be better is if it were for Mexicola and Intern Jeff Skinner guest-starred.  Then he brought us those Ring Dings.

Remember when we were asking:

Then we got distracted by the playoffs?  Well, meet Kevin Wheeler.

Please, no one disillusion me by saying Canada is not a magical land full of helpful neighbors, cops who give hockey-related high speed escorts and adorklable Jordan Eberle drinking  Coca-Cola products.  I’m in my happy place right now.

Actually, my happy place would be in Sweden for the World Championships.  Can I get a minute for Team Canada?  How did they get a plane off the ground with this much foxy on board?  Ebs, #TeamSchultz, Luke Schenn, #TeamHall, Gingeroux, JStaal and EStaal, Intern Jeff Skinner, Matt Duchene AND Stamkos!

Excuse me while learn to push a beverage cart and deploy door slides.

image by littlestaalthings.tumblr.com

We cannot watch this magic in America because we hate fun things, but it appears that Team Canada is undefeated in this tournament so far [link].

Is it a Swimsuit Competition?  They will never lose.  Not even against Sweden, who they play Thursday.

Ebs had a seesaw year, racking up points in OKC then struggling (along with everyone) back in EDM.  He/they had a pretty great year on WUYS – glad we could help.  Here’s hoping the Oilers make the playoffs next year, also make more Cabbie videos and that someone finally steps up for #Team RNH.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

Wait, who?

Gabe, who has the best eyebrows in hockey?

And what does he tell “visitors” who want to stay past curfew?

Does that line actually work?

How often does he need an excuse?

Yeah, we can kinda see it.

As de facto stand-in Headmistress of #TeamRNH (until we find a full time hire), it’s really rude of my to almost miss Ry’s birthday.  Now he’s the same age as Gabe…. again.  Honestly!

The Oilers are off tonight.  Have a happy and appropriately of-age Canadian birthday, Molly Ringwald!

Thanks to Lemya @TheSequinedPuck) for the reminder.

The Oilers beat the Blue Jackets 6-4 last night.  Sam had 1 G/2A and his 250th NHL point, so it’s his turn today.

Remember that time Sam had an 8 point game?

And a shootout goal like this?

Sam is 23.  That’s like old man on the mountain in Edmonton, if Edmonton had mountains.  He has 90 G/161 A in six seasons with the Oilers.

Before that, Sam grew up 5 minutes from John Tavares and played junior hockey with Patrick Kane.  Why didn’t we live near places like this?  Baby Sam!  What is your tie?  And your hair is so almost-Eberle… stop it right now.

While hockey stats are about running numbers up, Sam is also adept at keeping things under 140 and still making you fall in love with him.

Especially photos:

That’s why we don’t live in Edmonton, right Sam?

But we could be persuaded to visit, say in November.

If that doesn’t work, he sure loves to pour water on himself for a less subtle approach.

As of today, Edmonton is tied for 11th in the West.  My prediction for them the make the playoffs has been duly noted.  I wish they played before my bedtime but I’m doing my best to watch more Western Conference hockey this season.

Rumors abound that the Oilers may trade Sam before he becomes an RFA at the end of the year [link].  He’s playing well enough to earn a big contract, but they’ve tied up tons of money locking in Ebs and Hall, with Nuge and Yakupov coming due before long.

Jeeeez, look at the Oilers’ roster – that’s a lot of expiring deals [link].

Sam’s true home is in The Hobbit alongside Danny Briere.  It’s the ears!!  They can replace the disconcertingly attractive dwarf as even more disconcertingly attractive guys in the 5’10” – 5’11” range.  Also, Sam has Bieber on his iPod.  Cue me, singing the Canadian National Anthem and marching around my office.

And just because I can… photos from The Land That Time Forgot.  Seven year old Sam Gagner meeting Jarome Iginla:

There you have it, #TeamGagner shippers.  Happy Friday to you all.

It was a big game for #TeamEbs and the reunited Kid Line in St. Louis!  Jordan had two beautiful goals.  He almost scored his first NHL hat trick on a breakaway, but he and Taylor heard  @amandalitty was having a tough day and let #TeamHall score it on the rebound.  That’s what friends are for.

Remember when Ebs told Cabbie that his To Do List included, “Get in a better fight than Nuge” this year?  THAT WAS A JOKE, RIGHT?

Goals, like drinks, make guys think they can do crazy things. 

The Oilers got all 3 goals on the first 7 shots – they had only 19 in the game, compared to 43 by St. Louis.  YIKES.  That’s why the three stars were:

With so much talent, it’s tough to believe Edmonton ranks 12th in the West and 22nd overall.  The Kid Line has just 19 total goals on the season.  The Oilers are tied (with NYR) for 26th on offense, averaging 2.34 goals per game.  Their defense is middling (18th), giving up 2.75 goals against/game – but the bigger issue is shots.  Edmonton gives up more than any team in the League – 33+ per game.  That’s a lot of reliance on goaltending and a lot of time in the wrong zone.

We need more of this:

.gifs by toewslake.tumblr.com

Throw in some Schultz and Gagne, Yakupov and Hemsky, shake and voila: boyband hockey hugs.

.gif by cali-canuck.tumblr.com

I said it before the season started and I’m saying it again: The Oilers are going to make the playoffs (for the first time since ’06 when they lost in the Cup final to Carolina).

Here at #TeamEbs Campaign Headquarters, it’s Friday and this is Foxy, so enjoy our new recruiting video.

Don’t be shy, just bask in it.

This is the same gym Mike Green trains in the off-season.  Do the maids know they’ve cornered the market on second-hand sweaty towels?

Does Alberta have eBay?

We’ve re-named this video:

Jordan Eberle Demonstrates the Emotional Range of a Girl Watching this Video 

…and called in a doctor to identify what you’re feeling.

1) Seeing that it’s 16 minutes long results in complete preemptive shut down of all systems, to avoid permanent damage.

“I poked one, it was dead.” – Flight of the Conchords

2) You may struggle to stand up straight.

One of his arms is shorter, but that side of his shorts is longer. Even-Stevens.

3) As you try to pull yourself out of it, you feel unusually heavy.

What is with guys from this gym and nude-colored belts, Mike Green?

4) An increased pressure on your chest may indicate a heart attack.

#TeamEbs Recruiting Poster – Rough Draft

Any questions so far?  “Wait, Doc.  What are you saying?”

5) Symptoms include labored breathing, possible sweats.

Kick from the Official Spice Girls Workout on AOL

6) Hysterical giggling at inappropriate time.

He’s thinking about the Taylor Swift-sung-by-a-goat video.

7) The Earth moving under your feet.

8) And the eventual loss of previously noted ability to stay upright by oneself, resulting in the need for professional help.

Diagnosis: The rest of your day is going to be a struggle.

Signed: Oh shoot.  We knew there was something wrong with that doctor.

Treatment: Your move, #TeamHall.  Or #TeamSchultz, #TeamCorey and if anyone wants, #TeamRNH and #TeamGagne are available.

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/03/01/foxy-friday-teamebs/feed/ 17 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/01/25/just-cant-hide-it/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/01/25/just-cant-hide-it/#comments Fri, 25 Jan 2013 16:28:36 +0000 http://wuys.wpengine.com/?p=14402 Everybody’s talking about Nail Yakupov‘s goal-scoring celebration last night, when he tied the game vs. Los Angeles.

.gif by www.sbnation.com

Most people love it.  There are some complaints that it’s too much, too showy, that goal scorers should “act like you’ve been here before.”

Guess which side I’m on?

LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS!!  He’s 19 years old, has played 3 NHL games and this was his second-ever goal.  He tied a super-tight, messy game with under 5 seconds left to send his team to overtime.  Which they won.  GO CRAZY!

Afterward, he Tweeted this:

The Oilers website got in on the fun, with a nod to Yakupov’s exuberant overuse of social media parenthetical smiley-face emoticons:

You can see them at @Nail10_1993, or just take Taylor Hall’s word for it:

Based on Twitter, we should have anticipated this kind of overjoyed meltdown.

Yakopov was the first overall selection at the 2012 draft.  Yes, that means the last three #1 draft picks all play for the Oilers.  My future children will be watching these guys someday, and I can tell stories like this while they ignore me and fly around on hovercraft sneakers.

More pumped than everyone else combined.

To detractors, I say: Last night I was at the Caps 4-1 loss to Montreal.  It was like after-school detention on the nicest day of the year.  The team was atrocious, the crowd anemic.  Booing started halfway through and no announcer or music crew could stem the tide.  I would have given my nachos for a single rush with Yakupov’s energy or a single player with his spirit.

I am Nail-excited about the return of hockey.  I am Nail-excited about amazing plays, my team having heart and never giving up.  This isn’t unsportsmanlike conduct or excessive celebration.  It’s just the kind of buzzer-beating, heart-stopping, throw your popcorn in the air thing we were missing all along.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

Claude Giroux named Captain of the Flyers

Of course, you know that already [Press Release].  Personally I would have gone with Briere (shocking).  Can our Flyer fan friends weigh on Claude’s locker room leadership type?  It’s certainly good marketing sense to make your highest profile player captain – see Crosby, Toews, Landeskog.

I hope someone pranks him by putting a G on his jersey Saturday.  G for Giroux and C for Crosby… this is going to be The Perfect Game.

Here’s The Ginge with his short hair covered by a hat.  What do we think?

More importantly, what is this girl thinking?

Yup, same thing we are.  She even gets a question in… complete with the half blush/smile that G would earn from anyone with two X chromosomes. [video]

This girl rules.  Smart, hockey oriented, not impervious to masculinity.  We want to be friends with her.  She can keep us informed on Claude and the Flyers while we spend the whole time mumbling curses and boiling bats wings in the office basement.

Update: You guys are quick.  That is Sarah Baicker, who covers the Flyers for Comcast Sportsnet.  You can follow her at @sbaickerCSN.  We suggest you do.

Until Saturday, capitaine…

Oh, you read all the way to the bottom and thought I might not mention Jordan Eberle!  Mwahahaha.  I got my Ebs shirt in the mail yesterday… and Ebs got the A in Edmonton.  He’ll be the Oilers full-time alternate captain, while Taylor Hall and Nick Schultz share the other one.  [Interview Video]

That’s my boy! #TeamEbs 

You #TeamHall folks can submit a question here, for Taylor’s “Ask an Oiler” feature tomorrow.  Someone ask for his all-time clumsiest moment, it must be a whopper.