Campaign Strategy #1: Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin have all the points.

All the points that are not Patrick Kane’s, that is.

Combined, Seguin & Benn have 44 points in 16 games. The calculator tells me that is 2.75 PPG. Common sense tells me that is a LOT.

Seguin is averaging 1.43 PPG through 16 games. Last season he played a 1.1 PPG pace all year, ending with 77 points. There’s still a long way to go, but when we think of Tyler, we think “performance.”

Silence Fives, a Ten is speaking.

Benn won the Art Ross Trophy last season in a mad finish line dash, scoring four points in the Stars’ last game, beating Tavares by one point and Crosby by three. Last season, Jamie had 5 G in the first 15 games, and ended with 35. So far, with 10 G in 16 games, we’re looking for a 70 G -ish season.

Okay, even he probably can’t do that. But his 0.673 GPG average this season would be 51 G. No problem, right?

Seguin’s Twitter is like Charlie the Unicorn Goes to Candy Mountain

Really, it’s all summed up in this photo from Shattered Lens Photography.

What does it feel like, waking up knowing you have exactly 5x more assists than the average NHL player?

This beard looks like a disguise to fool facial recognition software on The Blacklist.

Probably the same way it feels to wake up looking like this.

Bless the media section of Seguin’s website.

That’s Campaign Strategy #2: Jamie Benn World Takeover

At the Stars’ season ticket holder event, 10/1/15

Tyler Seguin’s no surprise – if you haven’t seen all his handsome rogue-ishness or heard “I Knew You Were Trouble” when he walked in, you’re not paying attention. Jamie Benn is the dark horse, the sleeper; warming to his role as not-so-sidekick with all the slow charm one expects of Texas. He’s tapped a natural resource and now we’re all getting rich.

Even if he doesn’t know much about Dallas… [Sportsnet video: Know Your City]

You play hockey, we’ll read books.

Not that we don’t still appreciate Tyler. He’s making kids happy, making rubber ducks blush (I mean really) and ruining the romantic futures of 16-year old girls.

She just broke up with Chip from homeroom on Facebook.

If she’s from Dallas, Tyler could use a tutor. [Sportsnet Video: Know Your City]

Got the one about the swingers’ club, though. Natch.

Campaign Strategy #3: Winning Often

It’s one thing for a top line to score. That team can still lose a lot of games. But the Stars currently sit in 3rd, with the same number of points as the 2nd place Rangers (who’ve won six in a row/barf). They’re 7-3-0 in their last 10 games and, so far this season, Dallas’ victories are by an average of 2.1 GPG. Benn & Seguin’s point totals account for only 15% of points recorded by the Stars this season – the love is spread around. (Their combined 19 G, though, equal 34% of the Stars offense.)

I see my team squeaking in there…

Campaign Strategy #4: Ticket Prices

Okay, no one campaigns for this. But the average lowest StubHub price for a ticket to the next 10 Stars games is $15.40. You can get in the door for less than the cost of a parking pass. You could see Intern Jeff Skinner from the 100-level on 12/8 for $37. The highest in-the-door cost is, sensibly, to see the NHL-leading Montreal Canadiens. At $25. There are expensive seats, of course, but if you’re only mildly interested in hockey (such people do exist), this could be your introduction. Parents can take their kids. Or, like when I was little, kids can take their parents!

I really hope people take advantage of these prices. It won’t last, not if the Stars’ success does, but it’s the perfect opportunity to grow the fan base while they’ve got something super to watch.  Something like…

Best Reddit reply to this video: “Just ask him out already!!! It’s like the last 10 minutes of a young adult novel.”

Now that would be Campaign Strategy #5, just sayin’.

UPDATE: Campaign Strategy #652, courtesy of @RunsonDuncan:

Please be real, please be real…

The day before Brenda was heading to Texas on vacation, she got a Facebook message from a friend: Henrik Lundqvist was doing a signing at Birchbox in SoHo for the first 150 people who bought either a t-shirt or a pair of boxer briefs from Bread & Boxers (for whom he’s a spokesmodel spokesman). So of course she ran for the door, down the street and got there 2.5 hours early. To be 6th in line.  She managed some coherent speech and minimal swooning while posing for this:

Mr. June, obviously.

According to Brenda, “His shirt was SO SOFT” and she strongly resisted the urge to pet his hair. Because you can’t be in jail and go to Austin for a week of Stars practice! On to Texas, where Brenda stayed with Vicky (of VickyAndNikkisFiveHole). She reports:

Day 1: Jamie Benn seems to be pretty well recovered from his surgery. Must be that new strength and conditioning coach fitness model he’s been dating. He was skating quite a bit on a line with Eaves, which is WAY too much hotness for one line.

Parts his hair with a protractor.

Between practices they brought in a huge group of little kids on a school field trip, who all got Seguin jerseys and were quizzed them about hockey and the Stars. Seggy took a selfie with them [Twitter]. Seguin & Sharp also spent a bunch of time on a line together. If we thought that the combo of Benn & Eaves was as good as it could get, Sharpie & Seggy certainly gave them a run for their money.

Pants: Completely forgot he was a Star.

Later in the day, Jordie Benn’s beard showed off its post-season form. And I’m just going to say right now that the moment that Stephen Johns makes it to the NHL, he’ll need a Foxy Friday IMMEDIATELY. (Pants, he has a ginger beard!).

Okay, we believe you.

Later that night the Stars had an outdoor fan fest, which included a bouncy house (for kids only – boo) and a TERRIBLE cover band who wore different colored Adidas track. [Pants note: That sounds kind of awesome.] There were Q&A sessions and I was able to get autographs from all of the players who were there. I also got to meet the lovely Carolyn & Merrin from Two Bearded Ladies. I felt an immediate bond with Carolyn upon learning of our shared deep and abiding love of Brandon Bollig. Of course I also managed to find a fellow NY Ranger fan and had to introduce myself to him. #BlueshirtsUnited [Pants note: Hashtags you’ll never again see on this blog.]

Day 2: Vicky & I were running late, and spied Jordie Benn, Jason Demers, Kari Lehtonen & 2 other players trying to get back into the arena after apparently running to the nearby gas station for snacks. [Pants note: They need an Intern Jeff Skinner!] Eventually someone did let them in. Incredibly, not even three minutes later, Demers was already on the ice. How did he get dressed so quickly???

On Day 2, the Stars decided to unveil their strategy for the upcoming season: blind the rest of the league with their beauty. For a large portion of the practice, Benn, Seguin, Sharp, Demers & Oduya skated together as a 5-man unit. Jesus, Dallas, are you trying to KILL us??? I’m shocked that the ice did not melt (full disclosure: we melted – A LOT). A bunch of other stuff happened at practice, too, but honestly, who cares?

Discussing #BeardWatch2016 odds

Day 3: Today was the “official” scrimmage that you had to pay to attend, as well as the only day concession stands were open, so of course I took advantage and had a frozen strawberry margarita. We were excited that they were handing out rally towels to fans, until we discovered that they were left over from Mike Modano’s retirement night from 2014. Very lame, Stars! Vicky & I were joined by Le’Loni, Micah & Laura, her fellow Texas Stars Ice Patrol friends, and Nikki, the other half of VickyAndNikkisFiveHole. We were NOTHING but trouble. A lot of people were SUPER PISSED that Jamie Benn & Ales Hemsky didn’t skate in the scrimmage. Still, it was really fun. Seggy looked great, scoring 2 goals but missing on a penalty shot.

You miss 100% of the abs you never show.

The funniest part of the day was that Merrin was able to get Jamie to sign the notebook (available at the Two Bearded Ladies online shop) that has a picture of a sloth in a hockey helmet hanging from a hockey stick along with a quote from Jamie’s scouting report: “We’re not sure if he’s really that slow, or if he just refuses to move.” Well done, ma’am.

Twobeardedladies.wordpress.com

[Pants note: STOP. Their subtitle is “If you’re gonna play in Texas, you gotta have a beard on your face”!! I swear I did NOT see that before titling this post. #soulmates]

Day 4: The best part of the ENTIRE camp was that after the scrimmage (and after the laps that both squads had to skate), Sharp and Oduya were out on the ice. We thought maybe they were going to do some drills with the coaches, but then Oduya skated off. Sharp skated a bit with the puck and then shot it right at the boards below us (we were sitting right on the glass). We laughed and waved at him. He skated by and then turned around and smiled at us and flipped the puck over the glass to me. Another woman who was sitting at the other end of the row went to get it (it had gone behind me), but there was ZERO CHANCE I was letting anyone get the puck that Sharpie had clearly wanted ME to have. Shockingly, in my entire life (we don’t need to talk about exactly how many years that is), this is the first time I’ve ever had a player give me a puck. A 3-time Stanley Cup champion is a pretty outstanding place to start, don’t you think?

Signed: The World’s Most Handsome Man

Day 5: After the last practice, Sharpie was talking to some of the fans on his way off the ice and I was able to get him to sign the puck he’d given me the day before (side bar: his hands are very soft). YESSSS!!! So in the space of 8 days, I met 2 of the 3 best looking men in the NHL (Patrice Bergeron being the third – although I met him at the NHL store this past season), which is pretty ridiculous. I am feeling very blessed. Thank you, hockey gods!

Sizing up the competition.

Thankfully pre-season hockey is here and regular season hockey is right around the corner. Let’s go Rangers!

[Pants note: I’ll let her have that one. Thank you, Brenda! And be sure to check out the other female-written hockey blogs in this post: @vickyandnikki  and @beardiestladies!]

VickyandVikkis5hole.wordpress.com

Vrrrroooooommmm!

Tyler recently shot a commercial for Starwood Motors in Dallas. You can watch them here and here but fair warning – they are hella awkward. Name me a single hockey player commerical that isn’t.

–

Apparently Starwood Motors sells kevlar-coated Jeeps.  Yes. Kevlar. As in the same material in bulletproof vests.  As to why anyone not named James Bond would need a bulletproof car is beyond me..but honestly but it’s not really important, now is it?

What is important, though….

Gangsta lean.

If Tyler arrived in this thing to pick us up for a date, at first we might be all…

hmmkay?

But then he’d come out the car all…

Flawless.

On the outside, we’d be all…

–

And on the inside…

–

Because…

Even his ankles are sexy.

While my RLJ (real life job) has kept me pretty busy, fret not, my little leprechauns!

Today, I have the perfect Tyler-size pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

“Tell me ye like me glasses…”

Tyler Seguin is lucky charms, people.

Magically Delicious

P.S. If you want to find me tonight, I’ll be drinking some Irish whisky somewhere in Boston, listen to this song on repeat.

SLAINTE!

But two drinks in, the bridesmaids are yelling, “DIBS!” and making shanks out of bobby pins.

The dads, like Alison’s dad there on the left (not really), are warming up their, “Have you met my daughter?” speeches.

While the groomsmen try not to look too drunk…

Even if they have to count reaaalllllyyy sllooowwwlllly…

And the married guys keep interrupting their attempts to flirt,

When they’re not laughing because they know how much an open bar costs.

But no matter how hard they try, there is always one guy who ends up going home alone.

Here are the full photo gallery and PensTV Video. Celina talks so fast that I am out of breath before they even get to Crosby, but this is something you’d (er, I would) probably pay a fortune to attend.  There is far less chance of physical embarrassment dealing cards than carrying plates, and I can’t help thinking Beau Bennett is a lot safer in this low-impact environment.

Twenty bucks says that Ehrhoff, tired of being left out, rigs the Secret Santa so he can buy Letang a selfie stick.

Because he knows we love guys in glasses.

The Dallas Stars also had a casino night this week. Furthering their quest to be Your Favorite Team, here’s video in which Jamie Benn admits his favorite part is “mingling with the female crowd” who sit at his table.

No shame if you just tried to buy a ticket for next year’s event like this:

Because:

So:

Tyler Seguin and Jordie Benn made a Super Bowl bet: if Seattle lost, Tyler would have Jordie’s megabeard. If New England lost, Jordie would shave Tyler’s head.

What do we have to say? Thank you, Tom Brady. Thank you, Julian Edelman. Thank you, Katy Perry, for even your low-vocaled halftime show and that time you wore the Holocaust cloak from The Princess Bride had some hand in this.

Usually, we’s say “Not the face!” – but this time, okay.

Benn had been working on that beard for a year, and as much as we’ll miss it, he could easily grow it back by next Thursday.

Should have trimmed it first. Everyone knows that.

Tyler’s hair, on the other hand… don’t mess.

Hey girl/guy/kid/fan/lense/plate of macaroni & cheese. You busy later?

In other proof that the boys take their football seriously, Tyler Tweeted this:

Suede dude booties off when watching football.

And while you may be willing to overlook a missing apostrophe or two, Jamie knows the best way to get revenge is by sitting near someone cuter on occasion.  Maybe he’s taking applications.

Bonus: the Gnome never eats his pretzels.

First off, can we talk about his legs? Now, I knew that he was bow legged and that they were kinda skinny for a hockey player, but in those white tights…I can’t look away.  Seriously, how does he stand on this twigs, let alone skate? Hockey player bodies just defy explanation.

Holly and Jolly.

On a side note – Just me, or has Jamie Benn gotten hotter?  Maybe it is just because we are noticing him more. Or maybe it is because some of Seguin’s swagger is rubbing off on him.  Or maybe he is just a late bloomer and only now coming into his own.  Whatever the cause for Jamie Benn’s metoric rise to hockey hotness, we”ll take it.

In other Tyler Tuesday news –

I love….goooooooooooals

‘Sup, ya’ll

Tyler is leading the NHL in points (38) as well as goals (23), five ahead of Rick Nash.  Despite launching himself into the hockey stratsophere this season and becoming a bonafide NHL star, Seguin and the Stars are still 6th in their division and 11th in the conference with a record of 11-13-5.   Seguin could very well win the league’s scoring title this year while his team fails to make the playoffs…again.

*deepsigh* from klingbergluvr.tumblr.com

Boston to Texas

Recently Tyler hung out with this guy…

Sober as birds.

You may be asking yourself “Who the hell is that?” Well, that guy is dancer/actor Kenny Wormald.  Not exactly a household name, but you might remember him from the recent Footloose remake (which was surprisingly enjoyable) and he has danced for Justin Timberlake and JLo to name but a few.

But what makes this photo especially exciting for me is that Kenny happens to be from my very small hometown in Massachusetts, he went to my high school and we danced at the same studio growing up.

One degree, people. One degree.

Players gonna play. Haters gonna hate.
In a recent interview for Stars Insider, intrepid reporter (and WUYS hero) Julie Dobbs (@julieanndobbs) sat down with Seguin for a little Q & A.  Pretty standard fare – favorite food, favorite movie, etc – until you get to this.

Now I know where to send his Christmas cookies.

Julie gets up close and personal with Tyler’s new and most favorite tattoo and we thank her.  We also applause her for keeping it strictly professional and for not gingerly resting her hand on his bicep and lingering awkwardly.  We’re not sure if we could resist when temptation is so near.

We also learn that Seguin is a Taylor Swift fan (but honestly, who isn’t?) and that loves “Shake It Off” just as much as the rest of the planet does.

from bennyandthestars.tumblr.com

from bennyandthestars.tumblr.com

One guilty + another guilty pleasure.  Suddenly we don’t feel as ashamed.  I don’t know if Julie wrote these interview questions but whomever did, we thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of our Seguinista hearts. You can watch the entire episode HERE.

sick. beats.

So that’s your Tyler Tuesday round up. I’m always on the lookout for more Tyler news, so feel free to email me at chuck@whatsupyasieve.com or hit me up on twitter at @WhatsUp_YaSieve.

Happy Tyler Tuesday, ya’ll!

from siriuslygoonerific.tumblr.com

At first, my friends did not understand my love for #19/91.  They couldn’t see “it”.  But slowly, over time, their resolve weakened and they willingly joined me on the dark side.  I’ve welcomed my Seguinista Sisters with open arms – and a fiercely fashionable Jedi cape.

Yet there are still those that resisted, but now I have a new weapon at my disposal.

I am the Empire and www.tylerseguin.com is my Death Star.

www.tylerseguin.com just launched this week and immediately became #1 on my internet search history.  Sure it has some frustrating typos ( it’s SPORTS Illustrated, not SPORT’S ), but I’m gonna let it slide because of photos like this.

Bookmark This.

I’m starting a petition that any and all future photos of Tyler Seguin only be taken in black and white.  Black and white photography = classic, mysterious, artistic.  Black and white photography + Tyler Seguin…well then just turn this mutha out.

The design of the site is clean and minimalist, which I love, and the TS logo works (even if it does kinda reminds me of fire department shield).  But we all can agree that the major draw of this site is going to be its media gallery.

They keep photo photos like this one and we’re going to get along juuuuuust fine.

#face #arms #eyebrows #face

I did sign up for the TS Newsletter, natch, because I am serious hockey journalist.

Ahhh, who am I kidding?

“…like my deep, passionate love for a girl named Chuck.”

If you know anything about me, but know that I love beards and I love tattoos.   Each one on their own is fantastic, but together?

Best Kind of Sandwich

Now go in and add hockey to the mix….

O.M.G.

Perfection.  And thy name is Tyler Seguin.

#Beard

#Tats

As if that wasn’t enough, Seguin is tearing it up right now, leading the NHL in goals with 14 and third in overall points with 24.  At the rate he is going, he might just win the scoring title for the Stars.

But guess who is hot on his heels?

#Lumbersexual

Beard? Check.  Tats? Not sure.

But I gladly volunteer to find out.

Are you also into beards and tats? Check out @beardsandtats. It’s a personal fave.

It’s that special time of the year again when all of our favorite hockey players dress up in hilarious and sometimes ridiculously tiny, costumes, for our entertainment.  Most of the time, it is to bring joy and smiles to sick kids.  But sometimes it is strictly for our enjoyment.

Especially these two…

Dallas Stars (Tyler Segiun, Jamie Benn, Cody Eakin, Brenden Dillon)

TURTLE POWER!

TURTLE POWER!  Seguin as Raphael? Benn as Leonardo?  If you know anything about TMNT, you know how supremely perfect this is.

Our love for Beguin is real and true, but this year’s Candy Bowl goes to Matt Fraser, Dougie Hamilton, Kevan Miller, Matt Bartkowski, Torey Krug, and Seth “Stewie” Griffith from the Boston Bruins.

Couple of years ago, we had Zee Bunny. This year, we get Dougi-Elsa.

We applaud these men for completely letting go of their ego (and their dignity) to don these costumes to cheer up a bunch of sick kids.

Krug totally loves warms hugs. Griffith’s Hans wig gives new meaning to the term hockey hair. And Matt Fraser, bless his heart) looks like a ‘roided out Pippi Longstocking.

But let’s be honest – Matt Bartkowski is everything.  If there was anyone on the Bruins roster that could pull off that look, it was Bart.  The Sven the Reindeer costume look absolutely perfect on him.  When he come to the WUYS Fancy Dress Party as my date, I want him to wear that.

I love it and I love him. Be my boyfriend.

“Who’s the funky looking donkey over there?” “Oh that’s Sven.”

I’m sure the Bruins weren’t the only team to dress up and have a good time, but boy, did they do it with some flair.

If asked for two words to describe Tyler Seguin, Chuck would use “dude” and “perfect.” She is sedated after seeing this on vacation, so allow me….

First of all, Dude Perfect is – as advertised – a group of five guys and a panda.  One guy has a gingerbeard.  Before we even get to Jamie & Tyler, we know this is going to be right up our alley.

The ensuing competition of ridiculous challenges confirms what Dallas Stars World Domination HQ has been shilling for months: Tyler and Jamie are more talented, more fun and better looking than your team.

This actually came on TV as I was writing.

And they know it.  We see you, Obviously Rhetorical Question answered silently by Tyler’s expression:

These two giggle more on camera than you will watching and they shamelessly hug everyone within arm’s reach .  Tyler bounces a rubber duck off his skate blade.  Jamie scores a diving goal with a pumpkin.  Can I buy this at Starbucks?

Obviously each drill was completed flawlessly on the first take, including the Despicable Me Minion Fart Blaster duel (I have one of this in my office for serious occasions).  No editing or magic of Hollywood needed here.

Jamie wins the competition, even with a one point deduction for how slowly he realizes that balancing the ball on the cup is the point of that game.  Tyler isn’t really trying – he just assumes there are bonus points for how often he manages to flash his abs.

What, no prize for this?

The actual prize?  Our hearts.  Oh, and a six pound milkshake which 1) I have had and 2) can be purchased in Annapolis.  Stop by on your victory tour, Benn.

I’d say more teams should invite Dude Perfect in, but I’m not sure they can all handle it.  Perhaps Dude Perfect could just stick around to consult on the Stars’ multimedia efforts all season, since you’re halfway to buying a Jamie Benn jersey already.

Thanks to @J.Rho for pointing out that I forgot to include the BONUS FOOTAGE video.  Probably because Mr. Pants & I actually joked about being PB&J for Halloween this year, and I know Tyler and Jamie would do it better.

Or really just nine guys and Jamie Benn.

Photos by D Magazine

This magnificent example of democracy in action has inspired us to campaign on Jamie’s behalf.  So far our efforts include this blog post and reminding you of Jamie’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video.

See what a haircut can do?

We have to give Tyler Seguin a lot of credit for raising Jamie’s profile – but not too much.  Jamie’s like Seguin-lite, the version you could take home to mom without praying she’s never heard of a Google image search.

Male jewelry, because we’re liberal.

He’s smart too, and clearly knows his way around a PR pitch: his favorite movie is The Sandlot, he wants four kids, he would have been a firefighter.  After that, you hardly need us to remind you to #VoteJamie here.

#DMostEligible

You know what that means?

More of this!

And this!

And hopefully much MUCH more of this!

#SquatsSoHard

#HatTip to Tyler and Co. for even making the playoffs and for holding their own against the Ducks. I’m sure that Seguin would rather still be playing hockey, but I think that he’s gonna just fine.

Also fine (both literally and figuratively) – Jamie Benn.  Seguin’s life partner will no doubt be spending his summer making Pants I and fall more in love with him.

Bless your heart, Instagram.

We are girding our loins in preparation for what Mr. Seguin and social media holds for us this summer.

This is actual quote.

Judging by the photos above, I think we’re off to a great start.

Screw you, Day Eight.

Last night I was very PANIC! AT THE DISCO.  I feel a little better this morning , so allow me to re-edit my thoughts.

Blue Jackets: 4; Penguins: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

Listen, Fleury has been the Penguins’ best player all series.  Sometimes he is their only player actually playing.  So much has been said over the years about his fragile confidence that I want to sucker punch a sportscaster in the junk.  Last night the Penguins played a  great 20 minutes, followed by what felt like a 40 minute penalty kill.  So after an endless amount of this:

There was a single, slow motion, crash zoom moment of this:

With 24 seconds left in the game and a 1 goal lead.  And then overtime.  And then the Penguins lost.  Series tied.

expletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletive

There is no reason, no why.  But if I had a dollar for every time I yelled, “STAYINYOURNETFLOWER!” I’d be blogging from a private island where Chris Evans brings me cake between rounds of shirtless push-ups.  So there is also no surprise.  It’s a flabbergasting and inexplicable mistake, I don’t think Flower himself would argue against that.

Yet it was made by the man who’s been holding everyone else’s crap together for nearly four games.  I hate that this happened to Flower – it’s like a bad rumor making itself true.  His job is to make saves, not carry the team.  If those things are one and the same sometimes, so be it.  Blame falls far and wide for how the Penguins even ended up in this situation.  In that way, Fleury is lucky.  If Scuderi had made a mistake this costly?  Riots.  Letang?  WAR.

That it’s Flower is both the best and worst thing for a team that has no choice but to rebound Saturday night.  Fleury will get a chance to prove, in real time, that he is not the fall apart mess people say.  He’s a great goalie.  The damage is done.  We’re asking him to forget it and move on so let’s do the same, yeah?  Let’s have faith, and please don’t let it be the delusionally misguided playoff kind.  If these guys need their backs against the wall to win battles and outplay their opponent, well they’ve got their chance.  (#PensInSix)

Stars: 4; Ducks: 2 [Series tied 2-2]

On a night when Ryan Getzlaf was out with an upper-body injury and Teemu Selanne was a healthy scratch, Game 4 in Dallas promised to be exciting.  Like final whistle line brawl exciting.

The Ducks were unhappy after Game 3, where they felt the Stars were running Ryan Getzlaf because of his injured face. [link]  Dallas’ Ryan Garbutt broke the leg of Anaheim’s Stephane Robidas in a play for the puck [Garbutt apologized, Robidas accepted: link].  There’s history now and bad blood.  The Stars scored four unanswered goals and the Ducks are in a bit of a panic after being ousted in the first round last year.  Regardless, all fights should have streamers.

Jamie Benn had another goal.  That’s all you really wanted to know, right?

Blackhawks: 4; Blues: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

It wouldn’t the Blackhawks if it didn’t take overtime.  They blew a two goal lead in the first.  The Blues had plenty of chances to extend their lead but could not convert.  Brian Bickell tied the game with under four minutes left in regulation.  Then in overtime, which they’ve needed three of the four games in this series, Patrick Kane:

Because Jess is a good person who loves the Blackhawks, she wanted to be sure you didn’t miss Captain I’m Fun Now doing post-game press in his booty shorts [video].

Now all of these series are new again.  They’ve done the homework, there are no surprises left.  Chicago and Dallas are on the upswing while Pittsburgh could certainly use a fresh start.  Everyone knows exactly what it will take to win a Best of Three.  Give yourself a day (two if you’re the Penguins, whose practice this morning was cancelled) and when this resumes we will fight not to the death.  No no, our losers have to watch someone else steal their dream.  As always we fight:

Penguins: 4, Blue Jackets 3 [Pens lead series 2-1]

This game started and an instant later the Jackets had scored two goals.  Okay, maybe it took 3:18, but it felt like a heartbeat.  The Penguins were not ready, not willing and not at all able while I just watched like:

It continued into the second period.  Pittsburgh shot total multiplied exponentially but nothing got past Bobrovsky.  They had 257 power plays – alright 6; the CBJ were throwing themselves into the box – but converted on zero.  This from the NHL’s #1 regular season PP!  When I tell you I yelled, “The next person who blows a drop pass coming into the zone gets my foot up his ass!” I mean I was loud.

Finally Brooks Orpik (ofallpeopleexceptLetangmewlingdeath!!) scored in the last gasp of the 2nd period.

And of course, the Jackets got it right back to start the third.

Only I didn’t leave.  I sent my Patronus away so it wouldn’t have to watch but I am not strong enough to resist.  Then the Penguins scored.

1:10 later they scored again.

1:03 after that they scored again.

I was freaking out and faith-healed and curled into a weird knot on my living room floor.  Three goals on three shots in 2:13.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Then they won.  And this was me, for a solid two hours after:

It’s only Game 3.  Crosby, Kunitz, Malkin and Neal have no goals – only Geno even has a point.  So many wasted man advantages.  Flower stayed confident despite a messy start.  Alison & I both performed mid-game costume changes to what we wore for Game 1 and it worked.  I’m exhausted.  I might be overreacting.  Maybe everything is going to be okay.

Right, Sid?

GAH.  That’s what you always say.

Blackhawks: 2; Blues: 0 [Blues lead series 2-1]

Well no one died, which makes it a model of restraint after last game’s dirty hit/suspension/general abhorrence.  Instead the Hawks set the pace early when Captain I’m Fun Now put a gimmie through the wickets on Ryan Miller.  Corey Crawford pitched a shutout and the Hawks staved off an almost certain death – for now.

Wild: 1; Avalanche: 0 [Avs lead series 2-1]

Zero goals until 5:08 of overtime.  After a combined 9 G in Game 1 and 6 G in Game 2, this match was locked down.  The Avs managed on 22 shots on Darcy Kuemper in his playoff debut, while Minnesota threw 46 shots on Varlamov.  Matt Cookie hit Tyson Barrie knee-on-knee and will likely (deservedly) be the second player suspended this post-season.  See it here.  I don’t want to watch it again.  Instead watch Mikael Granlund’s holy moly game-winner:

Stars: 3; Ducks: 0

I was only half-watching this game after the emotional trauma of the Pens’ game, but I know the DuckTales theme when I hear it!  The Stars in-game staff played it during a third period timeout.  If you were sleeping, search ‘DucksTales’ on Twitter.  Harmless fun and who doesn’t want to hear that song?  [The Albany River Rats used to play “Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)” when the opposing team scored.  I laughed even when we were losing.]

Jamie Benn had a goal and the post-game interview, but you should be tuning in for Jordie Benn’s megabeard.  Someone find me a picture of that!

Tonight, tonight it’s Montreal with the chance to give Tampa Bay the first playoff exit of the year.  The Bruins/Red Wings and Rangers/Flyers all try to gain the edge in tied series and late night, the Sharks will attempt to go up 3-0 over the Kings.  The first two games have each seen 9 total goals scored.  Sounds exciting – if only we could stay awake!

1. Enjoy a composed evening of important hockey that matters on a theoretical level, but not to your team.
2. Like me, last night:

One goal games all around, and no one made it look easy.  Here we go, Round One: Day One already gearing up to be great.

Canadiens: 5, Lightning: 4

Did you get dizzy watching this one?  Twice Tampa Bay took the lead, only to lose it in 0:19 and 3:15 respectively.  Montreal went up by a goal twice, only to be tied again in 2:01 and 1:57.  The last game-tying goal was a beauty by Stamkos, coast-to-coast, all alone:

Almost an entire OT period was needed to end this, the Habs getting the win.   Still some good numbers for the Lightning – they had only 25 shots on Price but scored 4 times, while Lindback stopped 39 of 44.  On Montreal’s end, that’s a lot of shots!  Vanek had 7 of them, including this very pretty goal:

Penguins: 4,  Blue Jackets: 3

TOO CLOSE, THANK YOU.  If every game in the series is like this, I may not survive.  I expect it will be, since all Pens defensemen over the age of Matt Niskanen have a tendency to do what only Mokiki can do so well: the Sloppy Swish.

SNL Video: (The Legend of) Mokiki and the Sloppy Swish

They will magically get it together for periods (of time, not hockey).  Let’s hope for more of those.  Flower I thought was not bad – the first 2 goals were all the D’s fault, the 3rd he’d love to have back.  If only the world were a wish granting factory.

The Jackets are, of course, good and scary.  I was sore from watching guys get hit on TV.  Also from punching the screen every time Brandon Dubinksy’s face came up.  That’s his job and he does it so well.

Ducks: 4, Stars: 3

I went to bed when this was 3-0 Anaheim, all in the first.  I did a “WHAT?!” this morning when I saw the final score.  For twenty minutes things were bleak, but it was just the rust of not making the playoffs for the last 5 seasons.  They are good now.  But are they as good as the Ducks?

Ryan Getzlaf, with the Tyler Seguin slapshot-to-face:

If not for Getz’s mug, who knows?  The Stars could have tied in the final seconds.  They came close more than once.  Coach Boudreau expects Getzlaf to have a “nasty cut” but hopefully be fine and they will know more today.

They just squeeked into the playoffs and took then second Wild Card spot in the West.  I’m genuinely excited for Tyler (really I am!), given the circumstances of his departure from Boston.  He has matured into a high caliber NHLer and his BMOC bromance with Jamie “Encino Man” Benn was critical to Dallas’s success this season.

But the question remains – Will this new found maturity and attitude also translate to his beard-growing game?

Might we suggest he look to the following paragons of bristle and beauty for some “Beardspiration”.

Henry Cavill.

Armor optional.

The Marines from Zero Dark Thirty.

#ChrisPratt #JoelEdgerton

Ben Affleck.

#BostonStrongBeard

Tom Mison.

Jake Gyllenhaal.

Whoever this guy is.

Any one of these looks will work quite well for us, Mr. Seguin. Quite well, indeed.

Dallas’ 1st round series verses Anaheim starts tomorrow night.  Could be short one for the Stars, given the way that the Ducks have been playing, but we’re hoping for seven games, if only to see what Seguin’s stubble might become.

The Tyler Seguin/Michael Del Zotto bromance that began Instagram-tastically with this:

Has continued both online:

And in real life:

The Predators had a three day break, and what better way to spend it than arriving early in Dallas for the NCAA Championship Game?

Let me be clear: I would not watch basketball if you paid me.  But I would watch it with these guys.

Tonight, you can be a part of Tyler & Michael’s Date Night as the Preds face the Stars at 8:30 PM ET.  Dallas is fighting for the last wild card spot in the west – they need to win tonight.  Will Tyler stay with Jamie?  Or leave him for DZ?  Drama.

Since it’s what Chuck would want, let’s assume the season that began with Tyler wearing a cowboy hat on my birthday [video] will live on into playoffs.

Tyler has a career-high and team-leading 36G and 46A for 82 points this season. The The Bruins are far from hurting without him, but he has rebounded nicely after being shipped off to Dallas.  We’ll see how far Texas can take him this year.

When summer comes for Seguin, that’s not such a bad thing either.

DZ’s pool hair… I can’t. [source]

And after summer, there is always next season.

Photo removed by copyright request. You can see it at www.stuffabouthockey.com/blog and stars.nhl.com.

In any other realm, we’d be talking about Razor in this photo because he’s kinda of a Harrison and his suit game is mad tight.

But not in this realm.  In this realm, Pants and I rule all.  Hockey is the national sport and there are La Luna taco stands on every corner.  And in this realm, Tyler Seguin is a god amongst mortals.

I know some people are put off by the tattoos and the rumors of bad behavior, but there can be no denying the celestial aura that permeates from every pore of his body.

To be so incredibly talented and devastatingly handsome must be exhausting.

Read Razor’s take on this photo here.  It’s all sorts of awesome. He might be our spirit animal.

Oh and since baseball Opening Day was yesterday, here’s a little something for you.  Enjoy.

Let’s go Red Sox!

Yup, that’s right. This Tyler Tuesday is coming to you from somewhere over America. Sure, I have no legroom and the guy in front of me just leaned his seat back, but I don’t care.

It’s Tyler Tuesday!

from paulmara.tumblr.com

Fittingly I was in Texas this week for a work conference.  You know who else is in Texas?

Heehaw, ya’ll

In the last five games (not including tonight’s game), Seguin has 11 points (5 goals, 6 assists) including a 5 pt night vs Vancouver.  (LOLOLOLOL, btw)

Oh and that happened to be his 3rd hat trick as a Star, tying him with Bill Guerin and Mike Modano.

#NoBigDeal

Seguin is 4th in the league in points and 7th with goals, which is working out quite well for Dallas.  A surging Seguin is just what they need right now, as they make the push for that final playoff spot.

Admittedly, I SO wish with all my heart that he was doing this with the Bruins, but at least I have this to ease my sorrow.