Pre-game video that makes you question loyalties.

I LIED. BEARDS ALWAYS.

Did anyone know about this? I’m glad you didn’t warn me. #TeamEbs turning up in November looking like he might if the Oilers ever made the playoffs is a revolution. He missed the first 13 games with a shoulder injury sustained on September 29. He obviously spent this time very, very well.

Post-game, the beard was still there. Thank heaven, because if I were going to hallucinate something, it would definitely look like this. The Oilers locker room has really nice lighting, no?

Post-game video that needs a hug.

Bonus: Jordan Eberle Halloween commercial.

Oilers side note: The PUPPIES have a social media campaign about PUPPIES. Okay, other animals are eligible but they are clearly reading @alisonsykora‘s Tweets.

This is so meta.

Since it’s Monday, and Jordan Eberle & Mike Green train together in the off-season [What is this machine and how do I get a job making sure they use it properly?], I feel compelled to report that this is still amazing.

Post-game video that is now wash-and-go.

Ugh, Capitals. You will never be the same.

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

Then yesterday I opened the WUYS Twitter and saw 17 notifications. Either Jonathan Toews did a ceremonial face off against his tiny dog, or…

Aaron Ekblad’s humbeTweet

Yup. Everyone is demanding Aaron Ekblad be carbon-dated to prove his age. Which is 19, I’m probably legally required to remind you. Thanks to @ErinMiHaley for this one.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Chris Higgins in the beard post. He is just back from a foot injury and, well, you can’t flash your abs on every play.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

Last, but not least, nothing has changed for our favorite Gingerbeard down in Nashville: still rocking the scruff, still getting into trouble.

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me.” – Miranda Priestly

On Thursday, James Neal took out Zach Parise. You could take Yahoo‘s headline opinion (quoted from Wild coach Suter), that hit was “dangerous, reckless”, or go with CBS Sports‘ feeling that the hit “doesn’t look dirty on Neal’s part.” You be the judge:

To me it’s clean enough, though awkward and ill-timed. From another player, I don’t know that this hit would be a conversation piece. At least Nashville seems to have had the sense not to let James speak to media post-game. Zach is week-to-week, after scoring 7 G in 12 games, so we hope he’s back on the ice soon.

With a beard.

Who else is sporting an excellent early-season pelt? Send them my way before they shave down to 1970’s cop-style Movember ‘staches.

UPDATE: Patrick Roy’s beard is perfect. For every time you just want to lose your $%&@ and scream at someone, think of this and feel zen.

Submitted by Henriikkax!

We bid Round 1 farewell with this announcement: I am no longer 100% right. Thanks for nothing, Avs and Sharks!

Current predictions score: Pants – 6 of 8, Chuck – 4 of 8

Rangers do one thing for me, beat Flyers in series: 4-3

When the Flyers are knocked out of the playoffs, regardless of year, other teams or life in general, I have a moment of bliss.

Bubbz always.

The Rangers came out strong in GM7, then got back on their heels while the Flyers surged late.  Sound like any other hockey teams I know?!  King Henrik was the difference maker yet again.  New York will get one day of rest and of my gratitude, then it’s back to work and hating them Friday night in Pittsburgh.

Admiring his own face on the Jumbotron.

In other breaking news: Rick Nash has no playoff goals. This is apparently the only Rangers storyline available so tell your friends. It will be broadcast continually on sister station Radio Crosby.

For the record, I do hate the Rangers more than the Flyers.

God, that is a thin line.

But I’d rather the Pens play the Rangers in R2. The Flyers bring out the Pens’ most infuriating problem – composure – while playing Pittsburgh seems to ignite Philly’s tenacity.  The Rangers are no easier opponent but at least it will (hopefully) be the Penguins playing, not Hurricane Neal and the Tantrums. Watch me hate this decision later.

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

There’s only one reason for us to miss the Flyers in May.  Give it a moment, then move on.

Maybe he’ll grow a summer beard.

Wild take it to OT, take series from Avs: 4-3

Game 7 overtime?  Someone hold my hair back.  The Wild got there with a goal at the 17:33 mark of the third, and it only took 5 minutes of OT to put the Avs away.   Nino Niederreiter, who sounds like an imaginary friend at a tea party, had two goals including the OT winner.  Listen to the clang off the backbar.

Yowza.  This is the first time the Wild have gotten past R1 in 10 years.  The Wild have this headline and I confess I laughed (just once):

I hear a rimshot.

We’ll miss the Avs kids who were having a blast out there, but MacKinnon, Gabe and the boys have many years of playoff hockey ahead of them.  Gabe’s beard though… bummer.

Sad first, then shower and selfie.

Kings win 4 in a row, collapse Sharks series: 4-3

Sharks gonna shark.  There are so many bad jokes – Sharks get bitten! – but the worst of all is San Jose’s record of playoff choking.  That said, we should have all picked the Kings because they know how to win 4 in a row (and then some) in pursuit of post-season glory.  Plus their bandwagon fans are famous and sparkly, and the NHL could use a few entertainment column inches.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

You should hug Sharks fans today – that was eviscerating. Sweep? Sucks. Reverse sweep?

Come back with carbs.

Round 2 starts tonight, with the Bruins and Canadiens (and Chuck) asking everyone else what took so long.  Typical dates, we’re never ready when they come to pick us up!  This series is going to be like the holidays with family – everyone knows each other, hates each other and every old crime comes out in a stress-spolsion.

Save us a good seat, okay?

Elevator to Chuck’s party.

Penguins take years off my life, defeat Blue Jackets in series: 4-2

What are we supposed to do?  NOT hope for leads because they get snatched away? NEVER want a power play for fear of giving up a shorty?  I don’t know which end is up except the Penguins won so hallelujah.  Columbus played their pants off and boy, were they having fun right up till that final buzzer sounded.

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

I will say nice things about them in the off-season.  You guys can say them now. They’ll all be true and I won’t read them because I am busy going to Round 2.  The Pens found some dominance in Games 5 and 6 – even if they didn’t hold it for 60 minutes, it felt good to know it’s still there.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

Besides CBJ, the off-season isn’t so bad.  Ask the Stars:

Source: Instagram, Instagram

Is there an Instagram filter called “Leg Hair” used on Seguin?  Also, is it weird the thing I’m most envious about in these photos are that it’s warm enough to wear shorts?  This winter has ruined me.  I digress.

Back to business: In case you missed it, Sidney Crosby has no goals. Maybe you didn’t hear last night’s commentators repeating it like a rosary or you failed to see the hilltop bonfires lit to spread the news from town to town.  It’s like the scene in 101 Dalmatians where every dog in London barks at the same time.

Yes, Captain.

The only real question is: how many goal-less playoff games until Superstitious Sid tosses the yellow Crocs?  (Answer: Never. They are hideously fun, so be glad for them. He could have gotten black ones.)

Silly, his black Crocs are for formal occasions only.

Brooks Orpik, it takes a man to stand front and center in pink-on-pink businesswear. Or, since it’s probably designer, salmon-on-salmon.  Elle Woods Approved.  Taylor Pyatt’s back there looking perfectly pastel acceptable in lavender and it’s no mistake Megna’s standing up front in that outfit. Just a mistake to stand next to Borts, the handsomest Penguin you’ve never heard of.

Only one beautifully bracketed addition today.  Everybody else is headed for a one-game cage match.  We’re going to need beer and bandages.

Day 14

Wild: 5; Avalanche: 2 [Series tied 3-3]

The Wild and Avalanche (two of the three NHL teams whose names are not plural) were locked at 2 goals a piece for nearly 30 breathless minutes.  Finally, with his second goal of the night and powered by chocolate milk, Zach Parise scored the goal Minnesota paid him $98 million over 13 years to score.  Well not the only goal, but you’ve got to get the first one first.  Add in two Wild ENs because Patrick Roy loves to pull goalies early and Minny forces this series back to Denver for Game 7.  My money is still on the Avs, but it’s not $98 million worth.

Kings: 4; Sharks: 1 [Series tied 3-3]

Three in a row – done. Why not four? The Kings scored three goals in 2:46 to break this game open and fuel what could be an historic comeback in playoff hockey.

Only three NHL teams have ever pulled off a four-straight resurrection [great stats on 0-3 comebacks].  Usually fans of the trailing team start fantasizing about this at the end of Game 3.  The last time I was still talking about it after Game 6?  Red Sox/Yankees, 2004 ALCS.  Chuck and I know it can be done.  The Kings clearly do too.  But the Sharks?  They’ll need to reset their heads and play like they were, not like they are.

Ask for Thursday off now, Wednesday is going to be a late one.

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it.

Tonight now means more to me than ever.

Rangers at Flyers – Game 6.  You know what I’m going to do? Root for the Rangers.  Though I’d be fine with PHI taking this to seven and then losing, it’s a little too close.  I would rather Pens/NYR in Round 2. Pittsburgh showed composure in R1 through plenty of tough situations, so I have faith they can hold it.  Just something about the Flyers brings out the worst in me them… but GAH I kind of want to play the Flyers, I ADMIT IT!  BLOOD AND FIRE!

Someone should check on me later.

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

gif by sportsblogging.tumblr.com

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

Penguins: 4, Blue Jackets 3 [Pens lead series 2-1]

This game started and an instant later the Jackets had scored two goals.  Okay, maybe it took 3:18, but it felt like a heartbeat.  The Penguins were not ready, not willing and not at all able while I just watched like:

It continued into the second period.  Pittsburgh shot total multiplied exponentially but nothing got past Bobrovsky.  They had 257 power plays – alright 6; the CBJ were throwing themselves into the box – but converted on zero.  This from the NHL’s #1 regular season PP!  When I tell you I yelled, “The next person who blows a drop pass coming into the zone gets my foot up his ass!” I mean I was loud.

Finally Brooks Orpik (ofallpeopleexceptLetangmewlingdeath!!) scored in the last gasp of the 2nd period.

And of course, the Jackets got it right back to start the third.

Only I didn’t leave.  I sent my Patronus away so it wouldn’t have to watch but I am not strong enough to resist.  Then the Penguins scored.

1:10 later they scored again.

1:03 after that they scored again.

I was freaking out and faith-healed and curled into a weird knot on my living room floor.  Three goals on three shots in 2:13.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Then they won.  And this was me, for a solid two hours after:

It’s only Game 3.  Crosby, Kunitz, Malkin and Neal have no goals – only Geno even has a point.  So many wasted man advantages.  Flower stayed confident despite a messy start.  Alison & I both performed mid-game costume changes to what we wore for Game 1 and it worked.  I’m exhausted.  I might be overreacting.  Maybe everything is going to be okay.

Right, Sid?

GAH.  That’s what you always say.

Blackhawks: 2; Blues: 0 [Blues lead series 2-1]

Well no one died, which makes it a model of restraint after last game’s dirty hit/suspension/general abhorrence.  Instead the Hawks set the pace early when Captain I’m Fun Now put a gimmie through the wickets on Ryan Miller.  Corey Crawford pitched a shutout and the Hawks staved off an almost certain death – for now.

Wild: 1; Avalanche: 0 [Avs lead series 2-1]

Zero goals until 5:08 of overtime.  After a combined 9 G in Game 1 and 6 G in Game 2, this match was locked down.  The Avs managed on 22 shots on Darcy Kuemper in his playoff debut, while Minnesota threw 46 shots on Varlamov.  Matt Cookie hit Tyson Barrie knee-on-knee and will likely (deservedly) be the second player suspended this post-season.  See it here.  I don’t want to watch it again.  Instead watch Mikael Granlund’s holy moly game-winner:

Stars: 3; Ducks: 0

I was only half-watching this game after the emotional trauma of the Pens’ game, but I know the DuckTales theme when I hear it!  The Stars in-game staff played it during a third period timeout.  If you were sleeping, search ‘DucksTales’ on Twitter.  Harmless fun and who doesn’t want to hear that song?  [The Albany River Rats used to play “Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)” when the opposing team scored.  I laughed even when we were losing.]

Jamie Benn had a goal and the post-game interview, but you should be tuning in for Jordie Benn’s megabeard.  Someone find me a picture of that!

Tonight, tonight it’s Montreal with the chance to give Tampa Bay the first playoff exit of the year.  The Bruins/Red Wings and Rangers/Flyers all try to gain the edge in tied series and late night, the Sharks will attempt to go up 3-0 over the Kings.  The first two games have each seen 9 total goals scored.  Sounds exciting – if only we could stay awake!

Blues:4, Blackhawks: 3

Look,  overtime is one thing.  Triple overtime is two more things but is there anything more annoying than waiting 17 minutes of intermission in the middle of the  damned night just for someone to win it 30 seconds into the next extra frame?

Aside from being the team that loses that way, I mean.

Coach Q, how do you feel about this game?

I can’t stop laughing.  I hope Joey, the Junior Reporter didn’t see that!

Avalanche: 5, Wild: 4

Since all the cool kids who won the Cup last year were going to OT, the Paul Stastny of the Avs thought that sounded brilliant.  He tied it with 14 seconds left [video].  GAH, that is what Playoffs are about!  Paul enjoyed that so much, he did it again.

Look at Nathan MacKinnon with the hugJUMPhugJUMPhugJUMP.  19 year old puppy.

Rangers; 4, Flyers: 1

I hate everyone but wow, Giroux’s beard is already amazing.  It was the only positive thing about this game for the Flyers, who gave up goals 2 and 3 in 47 seconds while I was brushing my teeth.  If they Flyers could do that every time I left the room, I’d stay out my whole life.

G’s beard looks even more orange because Jakub Voracek and Scott Hartnell have dyed their beards black for the playoffs.  I’m torn between saying, “Well they can’t look worse.” and “That was cool when Mike Green did it.”  Photos by the only officially Flyers-related person we like: @sbaickerCSN.

Just to be fair:  The Rangers changed their homepage to look like Tumblr and I hate that too.  Sad Brad Richards had three points and I bet he went home and laughed while making 6 AM tee times under the name “Tortorella” at every golf course within 50 miles of wherever Torts lives.

Sharks: 6, Kings: 3

This game was “mostly dead” in the first with the Sharks up 3-0.  In the second, they scored 2 more.  But to start the third period, the Kings came out and got 3 goals.  I don’t know if it felt like they could really climb the entire hill (thoughts? I was asleep.) but that has got to help their confidence in an otherwise brutal loss.

Tomas Hertl had one of the Sharks’ goals – looks like those water aerobics he used to recover from injury really paid off.

The Bruins kick things off against the Red Wings tonight (finally!), while the Habs/Bolts and Ducks/Stars will go again.  Ryan Getzlaf expected to be in the lineup with his new Frankenface.

Enjoy!  I hope all of your teams lose!

So I’m just going to put this here and watch through my fingers:

The Avs new #WhyNotUs campaign is great.  Any video that starts with this shot of Gabe Landeskog is award-winning filmmaking.  It breathes new life into the world’s most overplayed song but I personally may never make it to the end.

Thirty seconds in I had to stop.  Before anything even happened I nearly ran from the room – I’d leave it on, of course, for my empty chair to watch.

Oh to have been in the meeting where this became a reality!  I’d suggest it.  Then I’d have to say, “I wasn’t serious!” before nervously fidgeting into a heap on the floor while someone else  made it real.

I can’t handle this but at the same time I want more.

Points to the guys for doing this – and really going for it.  That is some serious drumming.  I lip sync along to everything at the gym and don’t look half this good  sweaty but I assume no one is watching me.  May need to rethink that.

Can other teams do music videos?  Can the Oilers do “Diana” because it’s my favorite One Direction song?  How about the the Lightning all sing Taylor Swift’s “Hey Stephen [sic]” to their new captain?  A Best of the 90’s NHL mashup where Dupuis and Kunitz hold a picture of Crosby and the Bel Biv Devoe line, “Never trust a big butt and a smile?”

I HAVE IDEAS, PEOPLE!  It’ll just take me ten tries to watch the whole thing.

Don’t stop, Colorado.  Never stop.

Did you make it all the way down here?  Does it make any sense the only Western Conference team we ever talk about is the Oilers?

Perhaps we are trying to make our Eastern Conference-selves feel better about topping out at #6 in the League – with a team that just lost a guy who figured in 35% of their offense last season.  (Tears for Stamkos.)  Looks like we’d better start paying more attention to after-hours hockey.

So, what do teams that never lose do when they’re not winning?

Winning Teams – They’re Just Like Us: Colorado Avalanche Edition

At the end of last season the Avalanche were the second worst (16-25-7, 39 points) team in the NHL.  Now things are topsy-turvy in Denver where the Avs, under new head coach Patrick Roy, are the second-best team in hockey.

We love nothing more than a dramatic makeover.

While the Avalanche blossom thanks to strict care and grooming, they continue to be the same dorky, genuine team on the inside.

They photo bomb.

They share shirts.

They get hurt and make me sad. [story]

#lobster

They take pictures of their toilet paper… wait, what?

They have impossibly attractive Swedish friends.  Do these guys even play hockey? Nope, don’t care.  Hockey is no longer a requirement for this blog.

They start shopping at the very top of your Christmas list.

They have choreographed dance sequences-slash-celebrations.

Oh, and they score goals.  Fast, nifty, foxy ones.

There is, of course, the issue of Semyon Varlamov’s arrest on allegations of domestic violence.  He was released and the Avs put him right back to work.  While innocent until proven guilty, this isn’t really a judgement call for the Avs.  Varly is their top goalie and has played 12 of 14 games this season, the final $3 million year of his contract.  No word yet if he will be formally charged with the crime and face a trial. Until then, we are doing our best not to judge (out loud).

Presumably with Varlamov in net, the Avs face two other top teams this week: St. Louis on Thursday and Chicago on Tuesday.  Either would be a great match-up to catch, but aim for the Blues – it starts at 8 PM.  Even I can stay up for that.

We promise to get to other Western Conference teams soon.  If you follow one and want to save me time on the Google, send any great pics, videos and Twitter chirping my way!

Ryan O’Reilly

The basics – Born in 1991. 6′ ft, 200 lbs centerman.  Drafted by the Avalanche 33rd overall in 2009. Career stats – 269 games played, 47 goals, 83 assists.

Now those are all well and good but let’s get down to the real reasons he’s our Foxy Friday.

He kinda has a Zach Parise thing going on.  And everyone knows that is a good thing.

 His name makes him sound like he’s an Irish guy from Southie…

from gingerbeardsandparenteaus.tumblr.com

Or a boy-bander.

Girl.  Let me love you.

Excellent WUYS-approved eyebrows.

 A quintessential hockey smile.

He can serenade you with a song.

Killer dance moves.

Just like us, he enjoys ice cream in moderation.

..and wee little bebbies.

He understands the power of a good workout video. (Seriously. This thing is amazing.  I could do an entire post on it alone.  Brilliance.)

When you’re besties with Gabe Landeskog, one cannot help but become foxy.  It’s osmosis.

Welcome to the Foxy Friday Fraternity, Ryan O’Reilly.

Your face.

We like that ‘ish.

Follow Ryan on the twitter at @Ryan_OReilly90

Correct answer: Gabe Landeskog workout video

Push-ups, floor pull-ups, TRX abs and patty cake while wearing an Avalanche shirt sized youth XL.  All from a place that is actually called:

Meet you guys at the airport.

There’s also this video, which is not mine and is not really safe for anything (including work).  Just makes you want to watch it more now, right?

Remember – when Facebook paid $1 billion for Instagram, it was largely based to the intrinsic dollar value of a Gabe Landeskog selfie.  Prices are guaranteed to increase.  It’s practically insider trading.  Add video to that equation and…

Patrick Kane, two track mind.  Hockey and…

I need a break.

But hockey stops for no Pants.

Over the last few days some important things have happened.  It’s our job to keep you informed, and keep you from from turning on the TV in October and shouting, “What the hell, Vinny Lecavalier is a Dallas Star?!”

Lecavalier Buy Out

In 2009, the Lightning signed Vinny to an 11-year, $85 million contract.  Now in 2013, they are returning him to the store for a 33% refund.  Should’ve bought that at Nordstrom, they’re famous for buying back old tires.

Vinny’s offensive output has steadily declined over the past few years [stats] as injuries have mounted.  With 7 years left on his deal, the Lightning will have to pay him 2/3 of the remaining $45 million (or $29.7 million), plus guaranteed signing bonuses totaling $8 million [Cap Geek].  Yes – they’re still paying signing bonuses on this deal.  Good lord.  What the Bolts get back is $15+ million in salary plus the clean wipe of $7.727 million/year off their salary cap.

(Math admittedly done by Pants.  Corrections anyone?)

Stevie Y explained the move [story].  He failed to confirm if they’re investing the saved money in a cryogenic chamber for Marty St. Louis to sleep in all summer.

Alex Tanguay Back in Colorado

File Under: Things Only Pants Cares About

Not true!  This trade sent David Jones and Shane O’Brien to CGY for Alex and Cory Sarich.  Avs fans, do you love this?!  [These guys say yes!]

If you’re new to my mad ramblings, here’s a recap: Alex Tanguay is my lobster.  My LTHR (Long-Term Hockey Relationship).  I had a shirt that just says TANGUAY  made off some website in 2000.  In ’04 I scheduled an entire cross-country drive with my dad around seeing a game in Denver… and Alex didn’t even play!! I have never seen him play, in fact.  Love don’t need a reason, y’all.

Why would I be excited about seeing a player I love traded to the second-worst team in the NHL (last season)?  Nostalgia, really.  The way Alex played in Colorado.  Plus he came from Calgary and they weren’t doing much anyway.  Forsberg should’ve saved his brief comeback for this because reuniting the AMP line would have put me over the edge.

Also, I now feel less bad about rejoicing when Iginla went to the Penguins.

People Who Have Dumped Alex Tanguay for Sidney Crosby:

• Pants
• Jarome Iginla

Sorry, Tangs.  Welcome home.

Danny Briere Still Needs a Team

Nothing can happen until July 5, when Danny (and Bryz and Vinny) officially become free agents.  Until then, I’m just saying:

I’m an excellent tour guide.

Kris Letang Turns Down $54 million for 8 Years

And so the huge contracts catch up with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Letang.  I love him on defense when it’s not this year in the playoffs.  This offer is a bargain compared to Shea Weber’s 14-year/$110 million contract and Ryan Suter’s $13-year/$98 million deal.

But read that Vinny Lecavalier part again.  Think about Luongo and Bryz and almost Ovechkin there for a second when it looked like $9.5 million a year was buying 35 goals.  Of course Kris wants a huge, long-term contract.  Right now, every team in the League sees these contracts as bricks being thrown through very expensive windows.  (Note: Per the new CBA, eight years is the max contract length for a player re-signing with his current team.  Seven years for a new team. [link]  Thanks Lindsay and Alison, who are reading the CBA for fun.)

“Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.”

Mark Messier Leaves the Rangers

I was home in NY two weeks ago, reading a full page cover story on Mark Messier interviewing for the Rangers head coaching position.  The next day, Alain Vigneault got the job.  I laughed, because the timing was embarrassing and I hate the Rangers.  But I don’t hate Mark Messier.  He will join the team to build the Kingsbridge National Ice Center in the Bronx, NY, which will be the largest indoor ice complex in the world and boast nine skating rinks [link].

Sounds to me like a place they could have put the Islanders, if Brooklyn didn’t beat them to it.

The Coyotes Could Actually Move

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

No, no, really!  The City of Glendale, AZ will vote July 2 on a lease agreement for the Coyotes Arena (Jobing.com Arena).  If they okay the lease, the NHL can sell the team to an outfit that would keep it in AZ [story].  If they don’t, Bettman says there’s time to move the team before the start of next season.   That’s a 3 month window, without training camp.    They’ll be packing like a breakup, tossing everything out the window onto the lawn.  Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

More on the deal, including a clause that would let the new owners end & move the Coyotes in 5 years anyway, from Phoenix Business Journal.

What else is new?  I’m surely missing something, blogging on half-screen while watching the Blackhawks parade.  And that first Patrick Kane gif….

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

We sent Jeff out of the office before watching this because he gets a little jealous.

Jealous of Gabe, I mean.  Not our reactions to Gabe, which are mostly me giggling hysterically and Chuck madly pricing flights to Colorado.

Images from travcity.tumblr.com.

Then there’s some shouting: “Tights are not pants!” and “We need a new job!”

The culmination (climax?) of this campaign is the finished feature, side-by-side with this ad.

BAHAHAHA!  Accidental fantastic-ary or not-so-subliminal messaging?  Everything else I have to say is censored.

If that’s not enough, the Avs Charity Brunch will get you.  During the fashion show, Gabe escorted this little lady down the runway and they danced.

Like at prom.  Like the surprise bride & groom number at a wedding reception.  Neither of which you need after dancing with Gabe Landeskog when you’re 9, because you’ve peaked and there’s nothing else to hope for.

.gif from mistfarer.tumblr.com

The Avs are last in the NHL and their season will end on Saturday, April 27.  At least we can look forward to an entire summer of Gabe Tweeting photos and Sweden’s allergy to shirts.

So you can imagine my utter delight when I saw this while watching the Stars vs. Avalanche game last night.

GREAT ODIN’S RAVEN!

Now that is a beard!

It redefines the term “Fear the Beard”.  With the helmet on, this thing is perfectly symmetrically.  His head becomes this oblong portrait of masculinity, sport, and ridiculousness.

And it’s GINGER!

Now some may say the beard is overcompensation for Zanon’s bald pate.   I like to think that the hairs on his head realized where the real party was at.

I, for one, am glad to know that if his hockey career doesn’t work out, he can find work as any one of the following:

• an extra in a Civil War epic
• an extra in a movie about the impending Zombie Apocalypse
• a home for baby birds and small woodland creatures
• a competitor in the World Beard and Moustache Championships
• a Viking
• a bad guy on the latest season of “Game of Thrones”

Best of all, the Beard’s has its own twitter handle – @ZanonsBeard.  Sadly, it only has 560 followers.

Clearly, this is not nearly enough.

I, along with all of you, our faithful WUYS readers, must take it upon ourselves to spread the word of the Beard. 

Facebook it.

Twitter it.

Hashtag it. (#BeardofZanon)

A wondrous thing such as this needs to be celebrated and heralded by all the hockey world.

All the world must know about the tremendous, awesome, and spectacular fluffiness of the Beard of Zanon.

Thanks to our friends at Puck Daddy, you can learn more about this beauty here.

Starring Matt Duchene as Duckie.

Gabriel Landeskog as Blane.

And standing in for Colorado, Molly Ringwald as Andie.

The classic story begins with Andie crushing on Blaine, while she hardly notices Duckie.  Can you blame her?

Every shot is like a love note to his glorious hair.

She’s practically following him around, fangirling.

It’s not really fair to Duckie at all.  Andie can’t see he is perfect in his own way and he’s trying so hard to be cool.

Finally, Blane asks Andie out.   Duckie responds by being really mean and showing off awkwardly. (And refusing to wear grey.)

He was born in Sweden.

Since that won’t work, I guess we’ll just have to settle for “Captain.”

 This is my Captain face.

Today, the Avalanche made history by making the 19-year-old the youngest captain in NHL history.

Take that, Sidney Crosby.

Landeskog is 19 year, 286 days old – 11 days younger that Captain Awkward Pockets who was 19 years, 297 days old when he was given the “C” waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in May 2007.

This move to make Landeskog the captain comes after Milan Hejduk announced that he was giving up his role as the Avalanche’s captain.  He will continue to serve as an alternate captain, along with Paul “Bang Bang Bang” Stastny.

Landeskog will be just the 4th captain in Avalanche history, the 11th captain in Avs/Nordiques history, and only the third European born player to serve as captain.

Who’s got thumbs and is the youngest captain in the NHL?
THIS GUY!

It’s no secret that Foppa 2.0 is a huge favorite here at WUYS.

He’s just so darn awesome that we can’t contain ourselves.

somuchlandeskoging.

He’s been named a Foxy Friday.

We adore his twitter wikkid hahd corah.

And we lauded his feats of super-human hockey strength.

He possesses all the qualties that a future NHL superstar should have – talent, bucket loads of charisma, excellent camera presence, and a face that could launch a thousand ships.

We are card-carrying members of the Gabriel Landeskog fan club and today’s announcement makes us really happy.

Now if we can only sort out that whole NHL vs. NHLPA business…

Peep this, ladies.

The Dallas Stars finished in 9th place last year too.  Frustrated but the hopeful.  The ultimate hockey fan emotions.

Flames fans are a tough bunch, just ask Lindsay.  You can’t ever get tickets, and they haven’t made the playoffs in three years.  That’s dedication.  Do the damned Canucks have to be first *every* year?!

The Avalanche have a few up-and-comers among our favorite players to watch.  They had some rich years, and we think they’re coming back.  More Landeskoging, please.

I once figured that based on all the consecutive sellouts the Wild had, including pre-season games, that you could put a second NHL franchise in their parking lot and it would see more tickets than the Coyotes every night.  We are beyond impressed.

Anaheim.  I don’t know what the hell happened there, but this team should be tearing it up.  I’d like to see them give this top notch cast another season – Ryan, Perry, and Getzlaf if he can find his mojo.  And Teemu, please play forever.

The Oilers are rebuilding away.  With Eberle, Hall and Nugent-Hopkins clicking and a strong team behind them, it’ll be watch out world.

Columbus, don’t give up.  We know it hurts with Nash and that the wait has been long.  We hope a new chapter is starting.  Oh, and we’re coming to visit for the All-Star Game.

So long to the favorites who finished – play some golf, get healthy and come back hungry.  Now,on to those still left.

Much.

Happy.

Hurrah for Gabe Landeskog on one hell of a game.

After missing the pre-game skate with flu-like symptoms, he somehow managed to tough it out and score the game-winning goal (his 4th GWG of the season) versus the Kings in OT last night.

When I have the flu, all I want to do is eat saltines, drink ginger ale, and watch bad movies like “Teen Witch”.  The thought of having to play 60 minutes of hockey when all you want to do is hurl makes me want to hurl.

I don’t know how you did it, kid.

Landeskog also had three shots in the game bringing his season tally to 235 for the year, breaking Peter Stasny’s franchise rookie record for shots set waaaaay back in 1980-81 (12 years before GL92 was even a fetus.)

The Avalanche are in a desperate fight for a playoff spot so they are gonna need every point they can get.  Last night’s win moved them into 8th in the Western Conference.

With Matt Duchene out with a ankle injury, the Avs are going to have to depend guys like Landeskog, O’Reilly, and Stasny to keep them in the hunt.  Also critical to their playoffs hopes is the goaltending of Varlamov.  He’s been playing really well as of late and last night, he looked pretty tioght.

Let’s hope that the Avs’ young talent can sustain them and keep them in the race.

Because frankly, we’d love to see more of this.

P.S.  Kudos to Landeskog for giving a very nice, poised, coherent post-game interview.  So often, I cringe every time players do post-games because 99% of them are in desperate need of media training.  But Gabe was perfect.  Kid is gonna be a superstar.

They are the ying to our yang.  The milk to our cereal.  The chips to our salsa.

Now, when they happen to be  nerdy hockey players…well, that’s even better!  Our hearts just explode with rainbows and glitter.

Take this week’s Foxy Friday, for example.

Matt Duchene

"Who are you wearing?" "Uh, not sure. My mom bought this for me."

Is there anyone more adorkable? Seriously.

I mean look at him. He’s got to be one the nerdiest in the NHL.

But you know what?  It makes him all the more foxier.

So let’s break it down.  Why is Matt “Pass the Dutchy” Duchene deserving of such a prestigious honor like Foxy Friday?

He’s got the serious hockey flow. We all love the flow… when done correctly. (We’re looking at you, Steven Stamkos.)

Dutchy gives you WINGS!

He is a fan of nerdy things – just like us.  Soulmate.

He’s got the sweet dance moves.

He love vodka.  So do we, Matt.  So. Do. We.

He loves country music.  Which automatically makes Pants love him more.

Honestly, how can you not love a man who can go from this…

We love a man that can rock a jort.

to this…

Hai sexy girlfriend.

It’s called versatility, people.

He’s self-deprecating and goofy and he gives off the vibe that he doesn’t take himself so seriously.  Which I’m sure most of us can attest to, is a very foxy quality in a man – hockey player or otherwise.

Obviously, we can’t forget Matt’s hockey skills, which is a large part of the reason why he is this week’s honoree.

He’s only got 25 points this season (12 G/13 A) but he did just returned to the lineup on Feb. 18th after missing 20 games with a knee injury.

But when you score flithy goals like this AND play on a line with Gabe Landeskog and Ryan O’Reilly (aka the Ultrasound Line), we don’t think it will take very long for Dutchy to remedy that situation.

Follow Matt on the twitter – @Matt9Duchene

Thanks, Paul C.

Safe to say that hashtag also applies to:

Biebs skated with the Leafs  [link] in a track suit because they didn’t have any Youth Medium hockey gear laying around.  Look at his pants – I bet they’re rolled at the waist too.  Phaneuf is all, “You said Disney princesses!  I brought my Ariel lunchbox to get signed!”  I don’t think JB’s huge diamond stud earrings would fit under a helmet.

In a totally unrelated story, look which ad is featured on NHL.com today:

This triggered a chorus of “MissyouWhyPhiladelphiaagainSid’sdryerislonely” from my office.  And I haven’t even been watching 24/7!  But I’ll catch up now so as to not miss the triumphant return of Claude Giroux.  He wasn’t concussed, he was just saving up points.

Hahahahaha, NHL.com, you so funny.

Gingeroux had 1 G/3A in the Flyers win over Dallas last night [link].  He missed 4 games and still holds the NHL lead in points scored with 43.  Alright fine, you kinda like him don’t you?  Gross.

As predicted,  Pens’ Deryk Engelland will have a hearing with Shanahan today over his hit on Marcus Kruger [link].  Kruger did not play last night as the Hawks piled up on the Habs.  Corey Crawford, who has been benched in favor of Ray Emery for the last 6 games, was pretty impressive in net for Chicago.  Also applause-worthy is Jonathan Toews tying Stamkos for the NHL goal-scoring lead (it was an empty net but we’ll take it!)

Love everything about this.

Colorado won their 7the straight home game [link], which would be really exciting if they hadn’t also lost their last 9 road games.  But now they’re at .500 and they have 3 home games left before the end of the year.  They could be pulling up into the top 8 in the West pretty quickly.

And if you’re still watching, the Hurricanes blew a 3-1 lead to Phoenix last night in a really hard loss.  They are 2-6-2 under their new coach and are last in the East with just 26 points.  Apparently the fact that I really like the Canes and that their mascot Stormy is “an anthropomorphic ice hog” (Wikipedia gem) doesn’t count for much these days.  I’ll keep writing letters to Santa and maybe he can give EStaal and the boys a break.