Disclaimers:

Chuck: I have watched some Western Conferences games this year, but those 10pm start times are killers. My predictions are based off:  the games I HAVE watch; NHL Network, what I’ve read about the teams, and Ms. Cleo.

Pants: I need to be honest here for a second. Can I vote for the Oilers? No? Then I don’t know anything about the West. I will predict – I may even have emotions – but everything I think about the Western Conf. is learned from reading other predictions or the final NHL standings. Basically, I am cheating off all your tests.

western conference

Blues vs. Wild

Chuck: Blues. But maybe the Wild?  Wild have been the best team in the NHL since January and the exceptional play of Devan Dubnyk has carried them through, but the Blues have a sniper in Tarasenko and a deep corps of forwards and defenseman. This one is a conundrum, for sure.

Pants: Blues. They always seem to be giving my teams a hard time, so this year will be not different. Also, BORT’S BEARD! I needs it.

Lindsay’s favorite photo.

Predators vs. Blackhawks

Chuck: Predators. I’m going out on a limb for this one but just hear me out. Preds’ defensemen make an in so many ways and Weber and Josi are a stellar 1-2 punch. James Neal, when he is in the zone, can score goals that other guys just can’t. Hawks’ defense has been meh of late and Crawford can’t do it without good players in front of him.

Pants: Probably the Predators, because they’ve been rock solid all season. Also, I have Gingerbeard withdrawal something fierce. The Hawks have had their ups-and-downs, though they are getting Patrick Kane back right on cue to make me eat these words.

Ducks vs. Jets

Chuck: Ducks.  Ducks has strength on pretty much all four lines and if their forechecking is on point, they are probably one of the best in the league. Paul Maurice has changed slowly changed the identity and culture of the Jets but they aren’t quite there…yet.  But I wouldn’t be mad at ALL if the Jets pulled this upset off.

Pants: Ducks. If you’ve never watched Bruce Boudreau coach, please take this opportunity. If he was an iso-cam feed during games, I would never need to see the ice.

Canucks vs. Flames

Chuck: Flames. I don’t have a dog in this fight since the Bruins are out so I am looking for a team to adopt.  Maybe the Flames are it. So what that they haven’t won a playoff round since 2004 (when the lost in the SCF)?  Great coach in Bob Hartley, a hugely successful powerplay and their ability to win without Giordano might make the Flames a dark horse.

Pants: When I go to horse races, I bet on whichever horse has the best drag queen name. (So far, Surly Temple is the all-time favorite.) So when I say I can’t pick a team in this series, know how deeply and truly I do not care. I seem to have a lot of Canuck fan friends though, and I wish them well.

Comment below and let us know your predictions.  Who’s your dark horse team?

Which is the only thing on Earth he isn’t good at.

This is a guy who scored his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot during his first NHL shift in his first NHL game. Remember when he got so mad at the All-Star Skills Competition because he didn’t hear the cue to start? This look on his face is TrueToews, the one he keeps locked away since Captain Serious changed his costume. There is also a puppy, in case any of me survived.

This comes hot on the tail of Tazer’s vitally important in-arena message: don’t get up to pee during the game. HOLD IT, PEOPLE! (Everyone looks at me, doing the pee pee dance in my seat.) That glorious contribution can be seen here.

BlackhawksTV, still the best.

Patrick Kane was the best-selling NHL jersey for 2014.

They’re all wearing this number.

Surprised? I was, a little, I admit. Not Crosby, after his Hart-Art Ross-Lindsay-winning season? Well Sid was second on the list, and since he’s been in the League (and super high-profile) a few more years than Kaner, I figure most people (including myself) already have their Crosby jersey – or two, or three.  Plus the introduction of Winter Classic/Stadium Series designs and sharp new third jerseys by so many teams gives the sales potential a steady pulse for existing fans year after year.

Personally, still not down with the St. Patrick’s Day gear.

Of course, the Hawks sweaters are gorgeous. Their Stadium Series jerseys were the best of any team in 2014, and their third jerseys are so perfectly vintage-inspired that I want to wear one and sit on a windowsill while I miss Douglas Dorsey.

I’d say “Parlez-vouz Olympics?” but those jersey sales don’t even count.

According to Puck Daddy (bless them, as I am too lazy to do my own research!), the rest of the top sellers after Kane and Crosby were Toews, Lundqist and Ovechkin.  Sid was first last year, Kaner was #5 last year.

As 2015 starts, what can Patrick Kane do to maintain this top spot?  We have a suggestion:

Best Dressed

Yes, that’s real. Not a real jersey, but WUYS reader @toriewithanE made this dazzling gem on Skreened.  See, that is what we love here: initiative!  I said I was going to make a shirt, but Torie actually made it happen. We think it should be for sale, and count toward jersey sales. We could put his name and number on the back, but you’d never look past this:

From your head down to your tube socks.

That’s two days in a row I’ve included this picture in a post. You’re welcome.

Interesting (to me, at least): Crosby was #1 in 2012-2013, but #3 in the year before.  The lists are pretty fascinating.

The complete list of players selected for the All-Star Game in Columbus on Jan 25 has been announced, but let’s start with the fan vote roster. Which looks like the Blackhawks roster.

I see red people.

Remember the Blackhawks jazzercize campaign video?  Of course you do.  Ne’er have you closed an eye since that day but you’ve seen this, seared in your memory and waiting, gold-chained and glorious, to remind you that votes are the very least you can give when one has smized so hard to earn them.

What percentage of a shirt is this? 25?

You may note a few things once your eyes adjust to all those Hawks logos:

1. NO CROSBY. Just in the fan vote, obviously, but Mr. Popularity, was not crowned Homecoming King this year. He can still call me if he needs a date, though. I am not so fickle.

Just act cool.

2. What is a Zemgus Girgensons and how did it escape Middle Earth win the fan vote? This phenomenon was well-documented, so it didn’t exactly come out of nowhere (anymore than it completely came out of nowhere). Zemgus, who is 21 and plays in Buffalo, hails from Latvia. So mobilized were the 2 million people of his home country, they apparently did nothing but vote online for for the NHL ASG. Right to the top!

What does high score mean? Did I break it?

Some people say this is a tawdry exploitation of the game’s selection process. I say: YOU ARE NO FUN, partypoopers! It’s one roster spot. It’s the ASG, which is really just an excuse to look good during the skills competition. Guys who don’t get picked get to go on vacation and don’t have to pose for ’80s prom photos. Sure, it’s an honor to be voted in, but let’s be real. Zemgus plays in Buffalo.  This might be the only thing he ever wins. I hope he enjoys the heck out of it.

3. Kane beat Toews. I love this. Just as Jon became more fun, Kaner became more serious. For next year’s campaign, they should do a full-length Grease remake. From:

Circa 2011

to this:

Circa last night

Note Seabs, Keith and Crawford walking by in the back. That’s Shaw on the left.

The rest of the roster includes:

Class of 2015

The list is… confusing. Or perhaps it’s “avant garde” and I never really understood that kind of art anyway. No Nicklas Backstrom, fantasy point machine.  No James Neal’s hair blowing in the shot accuracy competition breeze. (That’ll teach you to get yourself traded away from Malkin… to a team leading the League. Figures.) No Chara, Zetterbeard or Datsyuk, no Sedins and no PK Subban. Remember that time he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey? Ah, those were the days.  Puck Daddy has some more snub thoughts here.

Those who did make the cut will be wearing these sweaters. When the ASG is over, I hope they are donated to live out the rest of their unsightly lives in relative dignity as Major League Soccer referee jerseys.

For running at night?

Laviolette and Sutter will coach. Two team captains (and two alternates per team) will be announced next week, and they will hold the fantasy draft on Friday, January 23 at 8 PM (on NBCSN in the States). The draft is my favorite part of the weekend, even eclipsing the skills competition. Someone will get picked last, someone will trip going up the steps.  Hugs will happen. John Tavares will be there.

Look at his middle-school-boy handwriting.

Overall, it sounds a heck of a lot better than my average Friday night.  So we’ll see you there (er, here) for ASG Weekend!

It was great from my seat.

America.

I had the squeal-inducing, off-the-wall-bouncing fortune to get a ticket through my work and attend the game with a colleague. You all know the ending – Caps won 3-2 on a goal from Troy Brouwer with 12 seconds left. Let me tell you how it looked from my seat.

I was overdressed, and carrying a bag of hand-warmers. I might wear this outfit when I race the Iditarod.

Which way to the arctic?

Our seats were incredible: club level, front row. This will never happen to me again. But don’t be too jealous – the club level ran out of food in the second intermission. I just wanted to give Nats Park my money in exchange for calories and they did nothing. Thank God I didn’t have a hangover.

My seats were better than Kathryn Tappen’s.

Billy Idol sounded great. He looked like he’s been frozen since ’88, outfit and all. Not really sure why he was the opening act, but of all the non-A-list randos the NHL could have secured, this was a very solid choice.

Not my photo. Nor did he sing “Mony Mony.”

The National Anthem was spectacular. I believe I saw Caleb and Bob, the Caps regular singers, front and center in the Armed Forces band, yes? They didn’t have a great angle on the Jumbotron and we were busy marveling at that flag – and the fighter jets.

America.

The sun glare was real, and we could file a class action suit for premature eye wrinkles against whoever put this game at 1 PM. When the teams switched sides at 10 mins of the first period, Holtby went from the shade… right back into the shade on the other side. Thanks, Billy Idol, for taking just enough time.

42,000+ is a lot of people. A lot of red was rocked, for both teams. Everyone got a free seat cushion, because GEICO is the official sponsor of my butt.

We did not do the wave.

Among those 42,000+ people, only one made this:

Nightmare on Every Street

My colleague pointed to a man on the field, with a microphone, and asked who he was because she’d seen him “holding court” in the press box. It was Roenick, of course. How to explain JR to someone?

The Caps opened a lead. They took some dumb penalties. Patrick Sharp scored in the blink of a eye. Matt Niskanen had a rough third period. But we Unleashed the Fury and Troy Brouwer saved the day. I was so excited I took an accidental celebration selfie that was supposed to be a picture of the game.

Candid Camera

Afterward, everyone launched their unused fireworks from the night before.

Boom.

I hadn’t eaten in hours and wished they would launch hot dogs into the air instead.  But fireworks are cool, especially when they are for winning!

Clap.

It was a stellar day. That said, is it something I’d do again? For cheap/free, yes. The spectacle mirrors how I feel about hockey (big, loud, fireworks), but in the end even a great game is still just a regular season game. For fun, the Winter Classic is it. For heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, feel-it-in-your-guy hockey, save your money for a playoff game.  They’d never run out of food.

The title of Foxy Friday has occasionally been awarded to a collection of things (plaid suits, glasses) to great as to define the genre.  Today’s honorees take it to a whole new level.

San Jose Sharks “Holiday Sweater”

The Sharks have an amazing history of holiday videos, but they can stop now. There’s no topping this throwback karaoke masterpiece, complete with semi-choreographed white guy dancing and someone holding a block of cheese.

It goes on forever. Literally.  Make sure you stay for the scene after the credits, then check out this much-needed infographic.

How BU does it.

Capitals Holiday Video [that’s a link]

This dork-fest is gloriously unscripted and runs the ultimate test of improv comedy – who will laugh first, us or them?

Almost enough right to fix all this wrong.

A wink of the eye to how intentionally awful the whole thing is – the Caps tried to enter the NHL ugly sweater contest. What’s the prize? Is it Caps tickets?

Ecard versions – send ’em to your mom.

Penguins Holiday Video [also a link]

If I were going to re-enact a Christmas movie, it wouldn’t be Christmas Vacation (duh, Love Actually), and if I were going to have the Penguins remake a movie, it wouldn’t a Christmas movie (Newsies, anyone? Oh yes.).  But as commitment to awkwardness goes, this Penguins’ holiday video is a Best Picture nominee.

Beau should’ve worn the hat.

My movie would of course feature Beau and Borts in matching costumes.  I might even cover Crosby up to dampen his attractiveness – and fail, badly.

Is this a cowlneck shirt? Could this be worse?

There’s nothing in this, however, as good as the “Sieze the Day” sing-along going on in my mind.

Chicago Blackhawks All-Star Campaign Videos

Just as you’re having the happiest of holiday video viewing sessions, the Blackhawks show up to ruin it by, well… being the Blackhawks.  We should be used to it by now.  They’re not even promoting Christmas because nothing under your tree could be this good.

Ice Bucket challenge Spanx = no tanlines!

What the hell is happening here and how do I make it rule the Earth? Is that what we’re voting for? I’m pretty sure Chuck and I came up with this idea while a) drunk and b) watching that Crystal Light aerobics championship video set to Taylor Swift for the 900th time.  The Blackhawks must be reading our GChats.

You guys saw that, right? I didn’t hallucinate?

Toews is the original Canadian dream, which sounds like the tagline for an ice cream treat made with maple syrup, and it’s finally proven, scientifically, that he is fun now.  We have created a monster.

Players gonna…

It would appear there will be (already are?) videos promoting Bickell, Sharp, Keith, Kane and jazzercize.  The wait might actually kill me.

I’m getting this on a shirt.

And this on the back.

Good luck, next Friday, on coming anywhere close to this.

:: unintelligble gurgling ::

Video from the calendar shoot is here.

I am always very susceptible to puppy-related advertising, as evidenced by my love for the Oilers (PUPPIES!).  Just three weeks ago, Mr. Pants & I adopted a rescue catahoula/Aussie shepherd mix named Blue.  LOOK AT THIS FACE! I love him more than Canada loves hockey, let me tell you.

Yes, I made my dog an Instagram: blue.aussie.

Before 2015 arrives, order your Pens & Paws Calendar at www.animalrescue.org.  It’s a bargain at $20 for a year worth of adorableness!  Here are a few shots, courtesy of Heidi, to get you ordering and shipping and hanging this baby on your wall.

Hug everything. Immediately.

Look at the little dog’s tongue. It captions this whole post.

The next Disney animated companion.

BSutts brings a boyfriend shirt, dog and shovel to bury Alison’s body.

For you Hawks fans, Bryan Bickell and his wife Amanda have put together another fantastic offering from the Bick’s Pits pitbull rescue foundation. I still have their 2014 calendar up and it makes me smile every day.

The calendar is $25 here, and you can see some of their adoption love stories on Facebook.  There’s a video below, but you won’t get past the 4-second mark.

The dog has a derpface. They are soulmates.

We have room for another dog, right?  A friend for Blue?  Just bring them all over, I’ll sleep in the car.

If your team did a calendar, send the info our way!  I think the Bruins did, we’ll leave that love to Chuck.

I sometimes wonder what percentage of our population could identify Wayne Gretzky, forget Gordie Howe or Crosby or Intern Jeff Skinner.  It would be a killer round on “Celebrity Name Game,” after so few of my countrymen recognize Bill Gates but everybody knows Jared from Subway.

Imagine my excited double take when I saw this Gatorade ad (over the summer) featuring our favorite meerkat, Patrick Kane.

I may have fist-pumped in the gym.  Patrick Kane on TV with Bryce Harper?  With Dwyane Wade, from basketball, who is not Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World?” And that football guy I don’t know, but he’s in a lot of commercials so he’s probably a Kardashian?!  I thought, “Go Kaner!” and “Yes, his hair looks pretty good in this.”

Can’t be looking a mess when you finally make your break.

** I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU THE GREATEST THING EVER. **

I want you to join the US Dance Team.

Go here: Gatorade Kane Locker Tour. Click the headphones.  Click everything, and between everything click the headphones again.  How on Earth has this existed since July and we’ve never seen it?

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Recently,  another beloved tradition returned – McDonald’s Monopoly.  It’s the quintessential learning tool for American kids: throwaway money, shiny cars and that one time you went to jail but it wasn’t a big deal.  On Sunday, Mr. Pants and I hit the drive-thru. Only his soda cup had Monopoly pieces, and he didn’t notice.  I didn’t really care.  Then five hours later, at home, the Monopoly commercial came on.

Mr. Pants, looking around as if we keep old cups on the table: “It’s Monopoly time?”

Me, running toward kitchen, “YOU CAN WIN PATRICK KANE??”

Lebron, yes,  But a race car driver? America loves race car drivers!

Let me tell you, I went into the garbage.  I didn’t even hear what the Kaner-related prize was but I flung aside hours of moving debris just in case this was my chance to strike it Patrick.  I didn’t dig through trash to win money or Beats by Dre headphones or whatever, only for Patrick Kane.

This was just the change in my pocket.

Turns out the prize is – I still don’t know. Hawks tickets probably. That’s worth a dumpster dive. Our cup yielded nothing, not even a free soda in another cup with which to continue this cycle. The truth is: you never win, unless you actually are Patrick Kane.  Multiple Stanley Cups and most valuable-type trophies?  Side prizes.  He is standings next to wheelbarrow full of cash on the Monopoly board while it rains McChickens, all broadcast on TV.  That, folks, is the American Dream.

Do these skates make me look short?

His hair doesn’t look as good in this ad, though.

Something about this video keeps breaking the link, try this if you can’t see it. 

To discuss whatever they are talking about while this plays in my head:

If there’s a pseudo-boyband version of a song, I prefer it.

Sid does get all cute talking about MacKinnon, like he’s a Scout Troop leader.  I guess it’s a relief from the usual business of deflecting questions: “Do you hate your boss?”, “Are you too old now?”, “What is taking so damned long?”

Pants, wake up, Pants. I’m about to smile.

As a publicist, we dream of guys like this: upload the script, read the script, act natural while saying exactly what I told you to.  As a person, I may have dozed off during the interview.  At least this chair looks up to the task for once.  No way he could sit all the way forward without flipping it.

On a different channel, Captain Partypants himself, Jonathan Toews, is having more fun in 2:18 than we’ve had since wakeboarding.

He wears this shirt like it’s those shorts too.

I know Sid did the self-depriacting, hilarious Cabbie “selfie” interview.  We loved it, and Crosby probably had to breathe into a bag afterward.  Jon, on the other hand, has this whole “I’m fun now” thing on lock.

Hold up: waterslides.  Please let that be the next charity participation trend.

So we make fun of “Captain Serious,” and Jon changes his tune.  Then we make fun of his game face and Jon claims it looks like:

That’s about a hundred derps shy of a Hawks broadcast, but we’ll let it slide.

Waterslide.

The Penguins are off till Thursday, while the Hawks host the Flames on Wednesday.  It’ll give Jon a chance to score his first goal of the season (0G, 2A in 2 games), and catch up a little with Sid’s 246 point pace (3G, 3A in 2 games).

Cat got your caption?

You better believe I thought I’d shuffled off this mortal coil, right there in front of the bulk lentils.  I wondered how, in the distant future, when my husband met me in the afterlife I would explain that picture of Jonathan Toews that had done me in all those decades ago.

Alas, this is real.  Congratulations to us – no way we earned it, but we accept.

My thoughts, in order, as the Jonathan Toews ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video came into my life:

ShutupohmyGod.
This is because of that time I said Kane had become more attractive, isn’t it?

All

I didn’t mean that.
Really, it was crazy talk.

about

What kind of shorts are those?
Is he just surfing now?  How long can momentum last?  Oh the boat’s slowing down. This should be a science program.

that

Jon use to be boring and serious.  Now look.  Can we expect this from John Tavares in the future and exactly when will this occur because the calibrations on my time machine must be exact.
He’s got tan lines for these shorts.  He’s been wearing them all summer.

bass

I wish this were in hi-res.  Probably better it’s not though.  I’m barely over Benedict Cumberbatch’s “Ice Bucket in the Shower” video.
Am I still in the supermarket?  All these people are looking at me.  It’s only been 45 seconds.  They must think I’m comparing all these beans.

’bout that base

Is it over?  Don’t be over.
No, you keep the bucket.

no

One last shot.  The Blackhawks were right with Jon’s contract: he’s a 10.5

treble.

Wow.  I finally figured out what to tell my husband when we meet at the Pearly Gates. Remember when Rant Sports ranked 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat?

Toews is #1.  Told ya so.

Reminder: If you can, please donate to ALS research at www.alsa.org.  This campaign has raised a huge amount of money, but it’s important to remember that it’s not just about wakeboarding and hot pants.  Real people are benefiting from all this attention.

Dancing.

Toews/Kane Dance Off 2014 [video]

Shooter McGavin.

(If you’re a Lightning fan, this is easy.  Stamkos would bust out a perfect Step Up dance routine [circa Channing Tatum, of course], complete with his shirt either open or off.  For the rest of us, well… maybe “hands in pockets” will become to new dance craze.)

At least Sid caved to the selfie pressure first.

Pretty good for a rookie.

There were myriad other highlights of the BHC2014, not the least of which was Brad Richards sitting alongside the dancing like that really uncomfortable lady with the rowdy friends in the front row at Thunder From Down Under, judging the distance between herself and the nearest emergency exit.  He’s thinking, “Remember that time I made $12 million a season and did’t dance?  Not for $2 million, new friends.”

There’s a cap on this empty bottle, isn’t there?

While we didn’t attend BHC2014, I think we’re ready to make a bold statement based on thirty minutes of Tumblr research: this is the summer that Patrick Kane officially became more attractive than Jonathan Toews.

Say that again, into this mircophone.

Am I wrong?  Since Kaner started cleaning up his act (not too much, please) and keeping his hair under control, not to mention wearing the heck out of a golf shirt, Toews has been running to catch up.  Oh he’s fun now!  Jokes about his grumpiness, couples Halloween costumes: Jon has really made an effort.  There are matching contracts, his-and-his Conn Smythe trophies, but is it too little too late?  Watch the dance video again.  When it comes to the inevitable Zoolander-style Walk Off, who is your money on?

What did she say? All I hear is that cash register sound.

Meanwhile, can we get said walk-off confirmed for next year’s BHC agenda?  And when do tickets go on sale?

gif from toews-rage.tumblr.com

Winning makes me cuter.

I like the Hawks a lot, and they bailed me out of some frustrated west coast years when I couldn’t watch Eastern Conference teams.  But it’s not the same, cheering for someone you like when someone you love is out of the running.

Glorious, I’m sure.

That said, I do enjoy watching hockey when it isn’t trying to kill me.  Yesterday I took three (3!) separate cat naps during the Hawks/Kings game and I still didn’t miss a single goal.  This may be my superpower.  Or my dream life, where I am a princess who gets to watch hockey all day without performing peasant tasks like standing up or walking around.  That’s so basic.

Perhaps I could get a butler – anyone know a few unemployed guys?

Could you repeat the job description?

[Insert creeper photo of Crosby sleeping on a plane yesterday that I can’t bring myself to post, but I certainly will point at –> HERE.  I hope he made it to Nova Scotia in time to see @alisonsykora.  Also note, I was not the only one sleeping during the game.]

The Blackhawks won 3-1.  Jonathan Toews is a marvel of modern leadership and ability.  I get so in awe of him that I picture Crosby climbing the telephone pole outside to cut my cable wires.  After his nap.

Hossa and Saad each had two points.  It certainly wasn’t a one-sided game though: the Kings outshot the Hawks and 6 of their 26 came from Jeff Carter.  It’s shaping up to be a great series and better rematch of last year’s WCF, which Chicago took 4-1.  After all, this time they’re playing for pizza.

Full funny Twitter exchange here.

Meanwhile, Saturday on the east coast, the Rangers beat the Habs 7-2.  Rick Nash finally scored (NYR goal #7, totally clutch).  The Rangers’ power play that went o-for-350 in the first two rounds (okay, 0-for-32-ish) had three PPG.  I don’t know how this happened and I don’t care, but I hope it never happens again.  Chuck enjoyed herself though.  Game two is tomorrow night – I will try to stay awake.

NHL.com has 236 photos of this game.  I’d rather watch 236 hours of the surgery channel.  Luckily in photo #1, this woman’s face:

Put on your war paint.

In non-hockey related news, the Rangers and some of the Tampa Bay Lightning attended Martin St. Louis’ mother’s funeral yesterday [link].  Such a sad story, it’s heartening to see so much support from his friends and teammates.  Not the photogs though, the idea of paparazzi at a funeral is gross.

When I fall asleep while Roenick or Milbury is on TV.

Canadiens take series lead over Bruins 2-1

I watched the first period of this game – long enough to see PK Subban get a minor for “roughing” Rielly Smith.  It should have been 1 minute for roughing Smith + 1 minute for roughing Thomas Vanek.  Or 2 minutes for missing.

So many butt-related jokes.

Then he scored on a breakaway coming out of the penalty box.  So perhaps he meant to miss his check, get the minor and end up in the right place at the right time?  Sounds legit.

The Bruins came roaring back, as they are wont to do, but it was too late.  3-2 until the last moment when Lars Eller made it 4-2.  My favorite stat about this game is Shawn Thornton had five hits in 7:42 of ice time.

Unrelated photo of Bergy to make Chuck feel better.

Wild score 4G on 8 shots in the third; trail Blackhawks in series 2-1

Someone who watched this game should write the recap because it sounds bonkers.  Chicago had just 19 shots in the game, Minnesota only 18.  That’s not unusual for the Wild, who ranked 29th in shots-for during the regular season.  (“Shots for” = favorite hockey stat name.)  But last night, eight of the Wild’s shots came in the 3rd and they scored four goals.  On eight shots.  One was an EN, but still!  They had 32 shots/2G in Game 1 and 19 shots/1G in Game 2.  This breakout had to feel great and restore serious confidence.

We share in your surprise.

Or not, because it’s the Blachawks.

Unrelated Kaner smile no one can resist.

Penguins/Rangers Game 4 is the only show tonight.  You can find me on the floor in front of my TV with plenty of chicken mushroom farro risotto, watching the beards.

Goals make your beards grow faster.

Penguins and Rangers series tied 1-1

The Pens had a shaky first period Friday night and got themselves down 2-0 like they think every game needs to be crazy a la Round 1.  No thank you – because it doesn’t always work.  The Rangers won in OT.  Just as well I was on a Twitter ban and only talking to Alison.

Sad Brad scored on his birthday. I hope his ice cream cake melted.

Last night, I was at a dinner and trying not to check the score.  Go home and watch the whole game, right?  Ha!  Zero will power.  I did pass my phone around the table for independent verification of the score, then had more celebratory sangria.  I watched the game afterward – fast-forwarding through Pens’ penalties, which was pretty much the entire first period.  Nisky for roughing – in hindsight, I can love that.

Incoming Geno hug

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Still no goals for Crosby or Nash.  (See what I did there? I almost hope you don’t, it’s so bad.)  At this rate, they’ll find that missing plane before one of these guys scores.

Want to see my Art Ross Trophy?

Blackhawks lead Wild in series 2-0

Friday night’s game was tied 2-2 until Patrick Kane decided it was time for this goal:

If this blog had audio, I’d whistle.  That’s so good it’s worth another goal, which Kaner scored 8+ minutes later to put the Hawks up 4-2 and shut the door (won 5-2 on an EN).  Sunday afternoon, playoff hero Bryan Bickell extended his point streak to five games with 1G and 2A.  Remember how many points he had last year?  17 (9G, 9A) in 23 games.  He’s got eight points in eight games so far this post-season.

Must. Have. Points.

Patrick Sharp didn’t have any points in the game (he had 1A on Friday), but he wore these shorts and we think that counts for something.

Somewhere Toews can’t find his shorts.

Bruins and Canadiens tied 1-1

After PK Subban’s double-OT winner last week, the Habs were up one game to none.

BeardWatch

Remember Boston lost the first game of the last series too, then adjusted and won four straight.  They got back on that track with a come-from-behind 5-3 victory Saturday, which I watched from the elliptical runner at the gym.  I can go a lot of miles fueled by my dislike for Brad Marchand.  That said, four unanswered goals in the third period (one EN) made the B’s look more dominant that the scoreboard showed.

“Ha, little man.”

Kings take first game, lead Ducks 1-0

I wish this series could be weekends-only, so I could stay up for every game.  It was worth the late night Saturday – I caught just the 3rd and OT – to see Marion Gaborik tie the game with seven seconds left.

God, that is SO exciting when it’s a) your team or b) you don’t care who wins!  Gaborik scored again in OT.  I still have the Ducks taking this series, but the Kings are going to make me look stupid every time I don’t pick them.

Five in a row, and counting.

Tonight the Penguins and Rangers are back at it, this time in NYC, and I will be glued to the TV and (trying to stay) signed out of Twitter.   Late night it’s Game 2 of Kings vs. Ducks.  It promises to be really exciting and also excellent for your productivity at work tomorrow.

Must… watch… hockey…

Better than a wind machine.

Or maybe his selection to Rant Sports’ 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat.  Jon is listed at #1.

Truth in advertising.

Happy 26th birthday, Jonathan Toews.

Right down the fairway.

We didn’t get to talk a lot about the Blackhawks this season, consumed as we were with life in the East.  If I could freeze time to watch hockey, I’d never miss a Toews game.  Chicago didn’t replicate last year’s season-start winning streak, they didn’t win the conference or even their division.  But they did just win four in a row to put down the Blues and advance to Round 2 like they owned the place. And after two Cups in four years, maybe they do.

Toews knows how to party.

I could talk forever about Tazer.  Suffice to say I wish he played for my team, or barring that I wish I got to watch him more often.  If I had kids – boys or girls, fans or players – Toews is who I would tell them to watch. Nowadays, they might even learn to have a little fun.

Video – Cabbie Presents: Selfies

Past JT19 birthday celebrations: 2011; 2012; 2013 As the Blackhawks await the winner of the Wild/Avalanche series, we hope Jon puts these days off to good use.  Rest that beat-up arm, do some squats, have some cake.  We’ll see you soon.

They look so grown up.

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

gif by sportsblogging.tumblr.com

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

Screw you, Day Eight.

Last night I was very PANIC! AT THE DISCO.  I feel a little better this morning , so allow me to re-edit my thoughts.

Blue Jackets: 4; Penguins: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

Listen, Fleury has been the Penguins’ best player all series.  Sometimes he is their only player actually playing.  So much has been said over the years about his fragile confidence that I want to sucker punch a sportscaster in the junk.  Last night the Penguins played a  great 20 minutes, followed by what felt like a 40 minute penalty kill.  So after an endless amount of this:

There was a single, slow motion, crash zoom moment of this:

With 24 seconds left in the game and a 1 goal lead.  And then overtime.  And then the Penguins lost.  Series tied.

expletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletive

There is no reason, no why.  But if I had a dollar for every time I yelled, “STAYINYOURNETFLOWER!” I’d be blogging from a private island where Chris Evans brings me cake between rounds of shirtless push-ups.  So there is also no surprise.  It’s a flabbergasting and inexplicable mistake, I don’t think Flower himself would argue against that.

Yet it was made by the man who’s been holding everyone else’s crap together for nearly four games.  I hate that this happened to Flower – it’s like a bad rumor making itself true.  His job is to make saves, not carry the team.  If those things are one and the same sometimes, so be it.  Blame falls far and wide for how the Penguins even ended up in this situation.  In that way, Fleury is lucky.  If Scuderi had made a mistake this costly?  Riots.  Letang?  WAR.

That it’s Flower is both the best and worst thing for a team that has no choice but to rebound Saturday night.  Fleury will get a chance to prove, in real time, that he is not the fall apart mess people say.  He’s a great goalie.  The damage is done.  We’re asking him to forget it and move on so let’s do the same, yeah?  Let’s have faith, and please don’t let it be the delusionally misguided playoff kind.  If these guys need their backs against the wall to win battles and outplay their opponent, well they’ve got their chance.  (#PensInSix)

Stars: 4; Ducks: 2 [Series tied 2-2]

On a night when Ryan Getzlaf was out with an upper-body injury and Teemu Selanne was a healthy scratch, Game 4 in Dallas promised to be exciting.  Like final whistle line brawl exciting.

The Ducks were unhappy after Game 3, where they felt the Stars were running Ryan Getzlaf because of his injured face. [link]  Dallas’ Ryan Garbutt broke the leg of Anaheim’s Stephane Robidas in a play for the puck [Garbutt apologized, Robidas accepted: link].  There’s history now and bad blood.  The Stars scored four unanswered goals and the Ducks are in a bit of a panic after being ousted in the first round last year.  Regardless, all fights should have streamers.

Jamie Benn had another goal.  That’s all you really wanted to know, right?

Blackhawks: 4; Blues: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

It wouldn’t the Blackhawks if it didn’t take overtime.  They blew a two goal lead in the first.  The Blues had plenty of chances to extend their lead but could not convert.  Brian Bickell tied the game with under four minutes left in regulation.  Then in overtime, which they’ve needed three of the four games in this series, Patrick Kane:

Because Jess is a good person who loves the Blackhawks, she wanted to be sure you didn’t miss Captain I’m Fun Now doing post-game press in his booty shorts [video].

Now all of these series are new again.  They’ve done the homework, there are no surprises left.  Chicago and Dallas are on the upswing while Pittsburgh could certainly use a fresh start.  Everyone knows exactly what it will take to win a Best of Three.  Give yourself a day (two if you’re the Penguins, whose practice this morning was cancelled) and when this resumes we will fight not to the death.  No no, our losers have to watch someone else steal their dream.  As always we fight:

Blues:4, Blackhawks: 3

Look,  overtime is one thing.  Triple overtime is two more things but is there anything more annoying than waiting 17 minutes of intermission in the middle of the  damned night just for someone to win it 30 seconds into the next extra frame?

Aside from being the team that loses that way, I mean.

Coach Q, how do you feel about this game?

I can’t stop laughing.  I hope Joey, the Junior Reporter didn’t see that!

Avalanche: 5, Wild: 4

Since all the cool kids who won the Cup last year were going to OT, the Paul Stastny of the Avs thought that sounded brilliant.  He tied it with 14 seconds left [video].  GAH, that is what Playoffs are about!  Paul enjoyed that so much, he did it again.

Look at Nathan MacKinnon with the hugJUMPhugJUMPhugJUMP.  19 year old puppy.

Rangers; 4, Flyers: 1

I hate everyone but wow, Giroux’s beard is already amazing.  It was the only positive thing about this game for the Flyers, who gave up goals 2 and 3 in 47 seconds while I was brushing my teeth.  If they Flyers could do that every time I left the room, I’d stay out my whole life.

G’s beard looks even more orange because Jakub Voracek and Scott Hartnell have dyed their beards black for the playoffs.  I’m torn between saying, “Well they can’t look worse.” and “That was cool when Mike Green did it.”  Photos by the only officially Flyers-related person we like: @sbaickerCSN.

Just to be fair:  The Rangers changed their homepage to look like Tumblr and I hate that too.  Sad Brad Richards had three points and I bet he went home and laughed while making 6 AM tee times under the name “Tortorella” at every golf course within 50 miles of wherever Torts lives.

Sharks: 6, Kings: 3

This game was “mostly dead” in the first with the Sharks up 3-0.  In the second, they scored 2 more.  But to start the third period, the Kings came out and got 3 goals.  I don’t know if it felt like they could really climb the entire hill (thoughts? I was asleep.) but that has got to help their confidence in an otherwise brutal loss.

Tomas Hertl had one of the Sharks’ goals – looks like those water aerobics he used to recover from injury really paid off.

The Bruins kick things off against the Red Wings tonight (finally!), while the Habs/Bolts and Ducks/Stars will go again.  Ryan Getzlaf expected to be in the lineup with his new Frankenface.

Enjoy!  I hope all of your teams lose!

2014 Calendar Shoot Teaser – Chicago Loves Pits

Warning: Video guaranteed to ruin your productivity and any current search for a real-life boyfriend.  100% increase in likelihood of pet adoption.

They really know how to dole it out in increments, these guys.

*sigh*

Kane and Toews Face Off – ESPN Magazine

What is this? Is this dancing?

Get low, Captain.

The story about Kane waking Toews up in Toronto then falling dead asleep while Jon’s wide awake and fuming – welcome to my life, people.  These two might as well be married because that is my real life with Mr. Pants every day.

This made me so happy I’m going to read it again.  Thanks guys, and thanks to Ellie (@hockeyfied) for making my day.