Foxy Friday: Justin Faulk

Cuddle Puddle!

So, yeah. We’re talking about hockey!

Justin Faulk is 23, American from Minnesota, plays defense and was the Canes’ sole representative at this year’s NHL All Star Game. He also appeared in last year’s ASG.

That concludes 100% of what I know about him. Back to the internet, Alex.

In November, we captioned this: “Justin Faulk is really, really sorry that his hands are so big and his hair is so tousled.” Still true.

SI.com featured Faulk in January, mentioning that he is putting together a potentially historic goal total this season. Not his 15 goals overall, but the fact that 12 of them are power play goals. If he can get to 20 PPG, he’ll be the first defenseman to ever do so in a single season. In the story, you can read how Justin’s mom credits repeated watchings of The Mighty Ducks with teaching Justin to skate.

Hey, that movie is probably to blame for our hockey careers too.

Does Spidey have horns, or…

Faulk won an NCAA championship with Univ. of Minnesota Duluth and was part of the 2014 US Olympic Team, where he took part in possibly the most inexplicable portrait shoot ever.

Zoolander 2, in theaters today.

No, actually, I’ve seen this before.

Damn, I was going for ‘thoughtful.’

Justin’s amassed quite a collection of facial scars in his young career, and isn’t afraid to selfie them for your benefit. I’ll put that photo behind this link. Instead, you can see how they’ve healed up just enough to give him that hockey player look we like so much.

It took me a minute to figure out why I like Justin Faulk, then I realized that, while bearded, he strongly resembles the guy who plays Aramis on BBC’s The Musketeers. Aramis was always my favorite Musketeer, and it is my favorite book of all time.

gif from nhl-canes.tumblr.com

Right? This is a renaissance faire waiting to happen.

BBC America posted THIS but no Series 3 date. Bloody hell.

As Justin is only 23, he’s tried a number of styles in his search of what would look best on the NHL ASG red carpet.

I’m relaxed. No wait, I’m serious. Defensemen don’t relax.

They all more or less work for him, with the exception of his audition for the role of immediately-post My So Called Life Jordan Catalano Jared Leto. Everyone tried this bleached blond thing, no one succeeded. We were all young too – we just had the sense to do it before the internet.

For the record, Rayanne was a bitch.

Justin is on Twitter @justinfaulk27, with a banner photo that a) reminds you how many friends people have at 23 and b) promises shirtless boat selfies may not be out of the question.

Okay, I’m serious. No, wait. Models aren’t serious.

So, if you don’t already like Justin Faulk for histalent, you can like him because his hair and eyebrows will always look better than yours. It’s nice to know which battles you can’t win, right? And if that’s not enough, the guy folds his clothes.

You can be the spatial reasoning in this relationship.

Let a married person tell you: Marry someone who folds his clothes.

Now let a married person read that out loud to her husband.

My eyebrows get uneven too, friend.

I just realized the Canes play the Penguins tonight. Why am I out to sabotage my team with the power of Foxy Friday every time?! Last week it was Stamkos, who had 2A in Tampa’s win over Pittsburgh. Damn it, it’s too late now. Apologies in advance.

80’s lighting, 90’s hair

With 57 points, you could look at the Canes’ season as a half-full or half-empty situation. They’re next-to-last in the Metro Division and four spots back of a wild card berth. Or they are just four points out of a playoff spot with 30 games to go. It’s a jam up in the East and should be an exciting. sickening. panic-inducing run for the end of the regular season. Please let Foxy Friday bestow no powers on this one day.

Don’t ruin the magic, please. That is all natural.

(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

Video: Cooking with the Canes

I do what with my hand?

We didn’t bid to win a cooking class with Foxy Friday alum Elias Lindholm and Intern Jeff Skinner, but let’s be clear: making us lunch every day is now one of Intern Jeff’s job duties.  And we’re not talking mac & cheese (or KD as you Canadians call it). We want something with components and condiments and at least one vegetable.

The instructions are simple:

Yes, chef.

Foxy Fridays are sous chefs only. Jeff didn’t win Top Intern: Masters to watch some hack steal his rightful place. Watch over the competition with hawk eyes.

Working up to his Gordon Ramsay voice.

Say “eh?” as often as possible and don’t you dare burn our dessert.

BAM!

Be appropriately self-depreciating so no one expects you to cook every day. But we still do.

Maybe one of those “America’s Worst Cooks” shows next time.

Somehow, Intern Jeff Skinner is still only 22. That should give us pause since he’s been working here for a decade, but eh -it’s not like we pay him, right? Maybe we keep him around to convince ourselves we never age either, like the witch in Tangled. He’s our Mandy Moore.

We check our reflections in the Calder Trophy.

We haven’t heard from Intern Jeff in a while, and not because he’s been unpacking boxes at my new house. The Canes are having a… rough season, to say the least. With just 16 wins, they are last in the Metro, second-to-last in the East and 27th overall. Intern Jeff has 10G + 9A. That puts him a few points shy of his 2011-12 pace; a serious sophomore slump after his fantastic rookie year because everyone figured out how good he was.

I won’t post graphics of standings or stats – no one wants to see that.  Instead, here’s a a happy photo, and hoping the Canes can get a little something going in the second half.

November 2014. I hope he slid down the pole after.

#AllGrownsUp

Besides the obvious (#Sweden), I honestly had no idea who Elias Lindholm was.

But I do now.

Bless you, Ellie, for enlightening me.

Everyone meet Elias Viktor Zebulon Lindholm.

You can ring my bell.

Yes, that it is actually his name, and yes, it is all kinds of awesome.  Sort of makes him sound like a member of the Swedish Royal Family or something.  Name me one girl on this planet that wouldn’t want a prince like this of her very own.

Elias is foxy because he understands the value of learning from the Master.

A Jedi and his young Padawan

Elias is also foxy because he kinda has a young Mike Modano thing happening.  Or maybe it is a Mitchell Goosen thing.

Either way, we dig….hardcore.

“You hockey warrior! Hockey Nintendo!”

Elias is foxy because of this hair.  It’s fantastic.  But would you really expect anything less from a man from the land of perfect hockey players.

He woke up like this.

Seriously.  The flow – spectacular spectaular. WUYS Approved!

You lace the track. I’ll rock the flow.

Now, are we SURE he is only 19?   Because this is not the face, nor the beard of a 19-year-old.

#BeardWatch2015

But probably Elias’ best and most endearing attribute – his bromance with Intern Jeff Skinner.

Hey, bro. Let me copy your answers.

Rutti Tutti, Fresh and Fruity

Grumpy Cat & Travel Gnome

We love Intern Jeff Skinner.  If Intern Jeff Skinner thinks that Elias is good people, well then, that is good enough for us.

—-

Note: There is a distinct possibility that I will be meeting some of the Carolina players after their game with Boston on Saturday, so I’ll let you know if he’s cuter in person.   Stay tuned to WUYS twitter feed for updates!

This is Taylor Lautner and you’re listening to….

We could dial that back down a few notches to “attractive,” because Intern Jeff Skinner will always have the face of a 12-year old and be our equivalent of a little brother.  But it’s safe to say that he has well and truly ditched the title “The Justin Bieber of Hockey” – because Justin Beiber is still in a child’s body while Jeff is all dimples and built like Beyonce.

I woke up like dis.

I’m just saying: this guy still works for free.  Obviously we make him lift a lot of very heavy things.  Perhaps we should consider a clothing allowance since his outfits are so snug, but it’s not like we told him to do the ice bucket challenge in a white t-shirt.  The moment it was over, he – and everyone else – realized it was a bit too scandalous for the Disney Channel and ran off-screen.

Modest Mouse

Now Chuck thinks we need a new intern; suggestions are welcome.  The new guy can clean her office.  I will never give up Intern Jeff, who’s only 22, because he won the Calder even when I didn’t vote for him and we do a mean duo lip-sync of the entire Ed Sheeran song catalog in alpha-order.  So what if he looks better than I do?

Never heard of him.

I get paid to work here, after all.  No slacking off.

Who hashtags raisins?  #interns

Intern Jeff led the Canes with his career-high 33 goals last season.  The JStaal-less team kicks off their new year October 10 vs. the Islanders.  We’d like to see them do well – but not too well.  How does third in the Metropolitan Division behind the Pens and Capssound?  Or does that spot go to Tavares &  the Islanders now? This is the problem with having a favorite player on every team.

Only kidding.  Congratulations Intern Jeff Skinner on his first career hat trick!

Look how excited everyone is!  Especially Jordan!

Especially us!

Not you, Malfoy!

And these people in the Intern Jeff Skinner Fan Club – Nashville Chapter!

(Psst: We told you so.)

Only kidding, TSwizz.  Sort of.

Forget that.  More exclamation points!!!!!  Jeff now leads the Canes with 9 goals – 6 of those in the last 4 games.  Hot streak, hot streak.

Last night’s third goal was an empty netter, but we’re not going to be picky since he doesn’t bother us about paying him to work here.  Speaking of which, that water cooler isn’t going to refill itself, Jeffrey.

First thing, okay?  No slacking off now that you’re big time.

After all, you could be like #TeamHallsy who had his 4th career hat trick last night.  Or more-than-hat trick.

Did someone bring an extra bra in her purse?  In Case of Hat Trick, Throw This.  Or did she take it off as the moment struck?  In today’s team meeting, the Oilers will undoubtedly scan the game’s raw footage for a shot of her wiggling it free under her #4 jersey.

Granted it was against the Carolina Hurricanes, who are taking a long ride on the struggle bus, but the effort was the Bruins’ most consistent of the season and they were rewarded with a 4-1 victory on the road.  Bruins were 0-3 on the road after starting the season 4-0.

Bruins forwards were working hard, creating opportunities, and running the Canes’ defense around. Two of the four Bruins goals came from defensemen, including Johnny Boychuk’s rocket, his first goal in 3, 586 games.  Okay, so not THAT many games but it has been a while since JB55 put on past the goalie.

Especially positive was the play of Soderberg/Kelly/Smith line.   Soderberg and Smith each had a goal and an assist.  This line seems to be finding some mojo as evidence by their nifty, quick passing in the offensive zone and it looks like Soderberg’s looooong road to the NHL might have been worth the journey.

Originally drafted by the Blues in the 2004 Entry Draft, this season will be the first full season for the 28-year-old Swede.  He’s got 8 points in 14 games and did we mention that he’s Swedish?

Marchand started on the 3rd line but by late in the 2nd period was taking shifts on the 4th line. Since the summer and his break-up with Seguin, he just hasn’t been quite the player that we expected.  Perhaps he spend too much time downing pints of ice cream, while listening to Sade and looking at photos of his lost love on his iPhone.

Sad Marchand.

After the game, Bruins had to jump on a plane to NYC where they’ll take on the Rangers tonight.  If I had to wager a guess, I think that Caron will be back in the line up, along with Thornton, with Marchy taking in the game from the press box.

Wonder if the popcorn at MSG is any good….

While this picture is funny (and by funny I mean ALARMING and BACK UP, HONEY), the best part comes from our friends at @Section328:

Now, now.  I like TSwizzle and have been known to bust into a sing-along at the top of my lungs.  Her bangs and eyeliner are always superb.  Let those of us who recorded a karaoke version of Paula Abdul’s “It’s Just the Way That You Love Me” on family vacation in 1988 throw no stones.  We enjoy Taylor as long as she’s not assuming the most fun we ever had at 22 was breakfast at midnight.

But Intern Jeff Skinner, it’s time for a review of your time here at WUYS.  The whole reason for your internship is to lift heavy things get me a candy bar learn valuable life lessons.  Apparently we have failed you.

First, you gave her your own jersey.  Ho-hum-humblebrag, but be careful.  A hickey from Kenickie is not like a Hallmark card.  If she’s going to wear your number, you should probably make sure it’s the only one she’s wearing.

It’s not.

Bonus points for sparkly guitars.

Dear Pot, this is Kettle and I’ll call you whatever color I want.  The only person allowed to like this many teams is me.  

Nashville, makes sense.

Seriously, this looks like my t-shirt drawer.  And it makes no sense which is why I don’t get photographed by paparazzi.

Her Leafs jersey looks purple.  Next lesson: color safe bleach.

And this.

Well she is from Pennsylvania.

How many of these guys are still Penguins, Jeff?  ZERO.  You don’t see JStaal running to give Taylor his New Storm jersey.  Take notes.

Third, heartbreak does not qualify as a reason to take off work.  We aren’t going to make our own copies and screencap our own pictures of Mike Green’s hair.  The freezer is full of vodka, you cannot keep your misery-drowning pints of Chunky Monkey in there.

We will watch Bridget Jones with you, though.

Mostly don’t make us pretend to hate a Taylor Swift song because it’s about you.  You are not a new Maserati on a dead end street (Mike Green, however, has a Maserati).  When you’re 15, which is now, and somebody tells you to run like heck you need to believe them.  I can go on.  We know trouble when it walks in.

Remember this?

No one cared it was the worst Photoshop ever.  Girls mutinied against the interwebs like Sarah Connor trying to take down SkyNet.  Imagine what they’d do to iTunes, Jeff.

Back to reality.

We have no reason to believe Intern Jeff Skinner is doing anything more than standing next to Taylor Swift, or that he broke up with his actual girlfriend (who we’ve never heard of but she’s adorable and on Canadian TV).  This is more likely a bid to buddy up to Ed Sheeran.  All signs point to a happy intern with no vindictive/addictive pop songs dropping in the near future.  Plus Jeff’s hair isn’t really up to Taylor’s standards.  No offense.

Take our advice on this one, Jeff, since you’re clearly not listening to other things we warn against.

If you’re not following Jeff on Twitter then honestly I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.  He’s so pithy he clearly wants to us to let him blog.

And we made him serve it.  This is a job, people!

Jeff’s big day comes during the un-offseason.  He’s rather be in the playoffs, but how does Jeff feel about playing for Team Canada?  Proud.

How does he feel about turning 21?  Like an adult.

How does he feel when we tease him for having a girlfriend?

Haha, that’s about right.

Happy birthday, Intern Jeff Skinner!  Now back to work!

Jared Staal will make his NHL debut tonight with the Hurricanes.  That means Eric, Jordan and Jared will all be on the ice!  Marc, who’s still recovering from an eye injury and the subsequent “I told you so!” of Mama Staal, made the trip with the Rangers.  Trust he’ll be looking all ginger in the press box.

Your LL Bean Boyfriend just ran for the hills.

Jared has been playing for the AHL’s Charlotte Checkers.  he only has 3 G/3A in 37 games this season, but who cares?  The Canes aren’t making the playoffs and this is a much better story.  Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be my Favorite Staal of All, based solely on these two graphics:

The real question: What is Jared going to wear on his jersey?  We already have a J. Staal.  Will he wear Ja. Staal?  J. Staal 2.0?  Jared wears #22 in Charlotte, but Zac Dalpe wears it in Raleigh.

Both 10 and 13 are open though – then he could line up numerically with his brothers and we’ll do a segment for Sesame Street, brought to you by sod.

Correction: 10 is retired by the Canes, as pointed out by @ericmac20.  As soon as he said it, I thought, “Ron Francis!” My mistake.  That I would forget a former Penguin from back-to-back Cup winning teams, who scored a Cup-clinching goal – sheesh.  It’s like 50 First Dates in here.  (Also, Jared will wear #34.  Thanks for nothing, kid.)

How Canada sells t-shirts.

I’m telling you, when aliens come to Earth and immediately try to contact the dominant species, they’re going right for the Staals.

Jared will need a nickname to join JStaal (Favorite Staal), EStaal (2nd Favorite Staal) and Ginger Stall (or Cinnamon Staal).  Who’s got suggestions?

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

When there’s tailgating.

Us on a nicer day (next time).

The fantastic folks of @Section328 invited me and my friends to their pre-game party on our Raleigh Road Trip.  Rainy, cold weather could not stop them from setting up the tent and busting out the Chicken & Waffles potato chips.

Surprisingly good, but not as good as the pork tacos.

As promised, there was a game of cornhole… at which I was bad.  Roberto Luongo on a bad night bad.  No one made fun of me (out loud), which is like no one laughing at Jennifer Lawrence for falling up the Oscar stairs.  So polite.

@MattyDTX trying to coach me.

Leigh showing Michelle (and everyone) how Raleigh girls do it right.

“Little Baby” Intern Jeff Skinner did not make an appearance at our party, but that’s just because he couldn’t have dessert – alcoholic chocolate pudding. Perfect for the school lunchbox.  (Patron XO in the pudding, Baileys in the whipped cream.)

It’s so good you might want to hog it all, no matter how gross that looks.

Derek at last call.

We eventually did make it inside, I promise.  PNC Arena is really nice and we had great seats for the game – perfectly situated between center ice and the nearest stand for $1 hot dog night.

Too bad Intern Jeff Skinner accidentally texted Stamkos instead of Staal (they’re right next to each other in his Contacts) to say we’d be there, watching and cheering.

The message was definitely received, because Steven scored this goal.  That could be me behind the glass, flipping my hair and thinking, “Don’t look, don’t look, just be cool”  while inside you’re in the front row at a 1D concert.

Tampa Bay won the game 5-2.  There was a lot of mismatched-size hugging while Eric made this face:

Good thing we always have fun even if we lose (or I’d never make it as a Caps fan).  If you’re ever in Carolina or planning a hockey road trip, hit up Section 328’s party.  They will not let you down.  Until then, read their blog for all your “informative hockey snark” needs.

Leigh, Derek, me, Mike. I think we were saying “Skinner!”

It’s Canes vs. Caps tonight, and the DC return of Alex Seminsssnnnooorrre.  I could not care less.  I’d like to see the Staals again, but I have to work.  And there’s no one to spike my dessert.

Thank you, @Section328!

When we hire interns, we expect them to work.  When I drive all the way to Raleigh for the Bolts vs. Canes game on Saturday, 2/23, I expect Intern Jeff Skinner to play.

Jeff is out of the Canes lineup with an undisclosed “upper body injury.”  Don’t look at us like we made him lift too many heavy things.  He works for tips, okay?

But seriously, this big hit sent Skins headfirst into the boards last week vs. Toronto.  He finished the game and practiced the next day, but did not practice Sunday. [link]  Last season he missed 16 games with a concussion, so everybody hope this is a minor thing and not a time machine.

Just look at him!

The frown when he drops it… I’ve been laughing for a week.

Jeff has 7 goals on the season, which (he keeps reminding me) currently ties him with Crosby and Toews.  Well let’s have Bring A Guy Who Also Has 7 Goals to Work Day, shall we?

Read the article here.

If Jeff can’t play Saturday, he can at least come tailgating with @Section328 (but not drink) and sing us an Ed Sheeran song.  This ‘upper body’ injury is not to his hands.  Then he couldn’t play cornhole either and I’ve seen the Canes commercials: cornhole is the best part of tailgating.  (Except that it’s called ‘cornhole’ which makes me really uncomfortable and now I’ve said it fifty times.)

Even without Intern Jeff Skinner I still get t0 see JStaaaaaaaaal for the first time in aaaaaaaaaages.

But I was really hoping to witness one of these as well:

Yes, the game is vs. Tampa Bay so of course Stamkos will also be there. There are few days in my life when having Steven in the building is not an ideal situation.  Carolina currently leads the Southeast Division with 17 points, while Tampa Bay has 15.  Saturday will be a big game for both teams – BOTH TEAMS I LIKE.  Why do I let this keep happening?  I might wear my Bolts shirt for the car ride, but I’m rooting for the Canes this time.  My life is so hard.

This was our reaction.

I know.  I can’t stop laughing either.  So much hilarity.

My feed didn’t actually show the fight because it happened behind the play and Tyler Seguin happened to be on his way to score an empty-netter to seal the win for the Black and Gold.

Luckily for us all, I scoured the internet and DID manage to find some footage of this “fight”

Of course, we want the Professor and our intern to get along. It makes for a much more harmonious office atmosphere.  But if they HAVE to fight, we much prefer this sort of fighting.  Less chances of black eyes.

In other game notes…

Nathan Horton straight up embarrassed J. Staal.  Like right out of his shorts. [Watch this pretty goal.]

Honestly, Jordan.  Where you even paying attention?  Or where you thinking “Man, I could really go for a sandwich right now?”  Or did you momentarily turn into a cat and get distracted by a laser pointer on the ice?

I’m glad that Horton scored because I want him to score all the goals, but really, Jordan. You know better than that.

Dougie Hamilton is making everyone fall in love with him.  The kid continues to reward the Bruins organization’s faith in him by playing like a big boy.  Last night, he set up David Krecji with this salty, no-look dish.

The 19-year-old rookie now was 4 points in his first 5 games of his professional career.

I will now refer to him as the Great Hambino.

Anton Khudobin is a-okay.  While last night’s game wasn’t by any means a goaltending showcase, Bruins back up Anton Khudobin played very well, allowing Bruins fans to breath a small sigh of relief.  Tuukka will of course be the Bruins #1 this season, but should he need a break, I think were going to be alright with the man from Kazakhstan between the pipes.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

Happy Eric Staal Day!  

One of the worst things about this lockout is the delay of seeing Eric and Jordan on the same team.  This was going to be their year!  (Jordan got 11.11.11 and it fell on a Foxy Friday – he’s my favorite Staal, what can I say?)

It’s time to unmask the “sod farm” they supposedly grew up on for what it really is – an extremely successful Canadian genetic engineering facility.

In the event of zombie apocalypse, the “sod farm” might be overrun with resourceful woman volunteering to help repopulate the Earth.

Ever the over-achiever, Captain Eric has a head start with two adorable children already.  This is Parker, our future intern.

Well, maybe Eric has three kids.

If you’ve never attended a Canes game and seen EStaal in person, you are missing out on a MAJOR AWARD.  Plus Intern Jeff Skinner wants to know why you don’t visit him like you promised.

Celebrate 12.12.12 by watching these instead:

What, were you doing something else today?

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?

Talented, witty, personable with a communications degree… sounds like some people around here.  (I left off the part about the criminal background check, which probably include a Google search and then ZIP, there go our chances.)

Yes it’s real (nhl.com) and yes, you’re qualified.  We are available for reference letter writing, in exchange for tickets.

Nothing to say for himself.

I signed a $34.35 million, 6-year contract.

Not that anybody cares, because Crosby is doing something that used to require oxen.  Need I remind you that I have collected (almost) all the Staals?!   Pants even posted about it… and not a single picture of me, of course. (No, Pants. The sloth does not count.)

What does a guy have to do to get promoted around here?

I tried to add a photo, but she changed all the passwords.  Luckily Mike Green’s birthday was my third guess.

Let’s talk about my contract.  It keeps me in Carolina through 2018-2019 [link].  By then I’ll be 26.  You can’t still be an intern at 26, right?  It doesn’t even matter, because I’m pulling in $5.725 mill/year and I don’t need the WUYS money.  Not that there is any.  They’ve spent it all flying to Canada to enter that Crosby contest, which is why they’re staying with my parents.

To show them I’m ready to be promoted, I’ve spent my summer vacation doing important, grown-up things.  Like wearing ties and taking meetings.

I’m coaching too, as I’m very responsible.  Even if the kids are taller than I am.

Since I’m a big deal now, I’ve decided this is my best side for photos.

It’s a total resume builder.

I’m also improving my references.  Not only do I have Jordan, but I’ve been collecting Foxy Friday pals.  Just wait until “Bring Your Friends to Work Day” when I really impress the girls.

Or when someone steals my phone at the office Christmas party.

In case of emergency, I also made a workout video.  Now that I’ve seen Crosby’s, I may have to revise the weight on my barbell and my choice of socks.  Still, the balance board is killer.  If that’s not awkward enough for you, keep watching.

So, what do you guys think?  I’m going to make the playoffs get the job, right?

EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?