Me at 3 PM daily.

The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:

Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik

No one can see us in these jerseys.

To the Capitals!  Hello friends!  Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty.  The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks.  Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green?  New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs.  Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.

He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.

Thomas Vanek

Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back.  Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money.  Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island).  He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home.  Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.

Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.

Matt Moulson

Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall.  The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March.  Today he went back… to Buffalo.  To the worst team in the League last season.  That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.

I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.

The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go.  We’re coming for you, hon.

“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia

Jarome Iginla

The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys.  They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season.  They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla.  Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million.  We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.

Could still score on Roy.

Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.

My response to everything on UFA Day.

Paul Stastny

Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million.  At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year.  I need to talk to my boss about a raise.  Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?

Orange is the new Avs.

Ryan Miller

In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night.  Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise!  Who knows that will fall out.  Perhaps that is finally over.  Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.

Just don’t look at the punctuation.

Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.

Brad Richards

Sad Brad no more?  After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today.  Ho-ly crap.  New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful.  He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.

#partyhard

We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway.  NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.

Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.

Gingerbeard dreams.

There are so many more.  Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle.  Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida.  Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames.  Here’s the full list.  It will only get longer tomorrow.

Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.

The Penguins’ annual Skates & Plates event was held last night, where the players wait tables, raise funds for charity and try not to spill food on people.  (I’d take care of that myself in this company.)

On the Pens team, you can have one of two haircuts.  The Flow, which Orpik and Vitale are growing into behind the fearless, forever lead of Letang:

Or the Practical Dad, worn best while standing together in family portraits.

BSutts parts to the left, like he’s cooler.

Hahahano.

Here’s proof on an actual dad:

(see also: Tanner Glass)

And on a future hot dad:

Dammit, Sid.  I’m not complaining, but we were really into this Clark Kent thing you had going there for a minute:

Was it too much work?  Bangs under a helmet not that comfortable?  I know, look at Letang all the time and get itchy for a hair tie.

Glaringly Panic-Inducingly Potentially-Catastrophically Noticeably missing from this event was James Neal’s hair, and the rest of him.

Immediate reaction, in order, from Lindsay, me and Alison:

I’m Hodgins. What? He’s rich, okay?

Nealmobile skipped yesterday’s practice on a “maintenance day.”  So did Kunitz, but that Monchichi was delivering dessert at Skates & Plates.  Even Duper was there.  Bylsma said the status of Neal & Kunitz would be re-evaluated today, prior to the Pens home & home vs. Philly this weekend.

A note to James Neal: Lindsay, Alison and I will be at the game in Pittsburgh in 8 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes.  So you have that long to:

• get healthy
• grow out your beard

You got all that?

There is video and a full story, complete with Crosby making the day of some little girl and Borts’s strategy  for the most tips (Dear Alison, send money).  There’s also a rather abbreviated photo gallery.  Start saving for next year.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!

I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):

Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:

NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.

My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.

Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.

Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.

Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.

That mess really did happen.  I’m disgusted in both teams because they are better than that. They have really made me mad.  Like flames on the side of my face mad.

These are undoubtable the best teams in the East and here they are playing bush league hockey like a bunch of thugs.   ARRGGGGH it just makes me so angry.

Since their meeting in the playoffs last year, the Bruins and Penguins have created a rivalry whose intensity has reached nuclear levels this season.  And Saturday was Chernobyl.

First you have Orpik’s hit on Eriksson.  Then Thornton’s reaction to said hit.  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get worse,  you have James Neal kneeing Brad Marchand in the head while he is down on the ice.

Orpik’s hit started the meltdown with his check on Eriksson.  From the replays, the hit didn’t look exceptionally dirty (he might have left his feet a little) but it was a devastating blow to the Bruins as it knocked the Bs left winger out of the game with his 2nd concussion of the season.

Then Thornton sent things to a critical level when he retaliated and took Orpik down to the ice.  Now I love Thornton…when he isn’t being a complete and utter moron.  He is a player that brings a grittiness and physicality to the game that should be appreciated. But I CANNOT abide by his actions on Saturday.

It is embarassing for not only the Bruins, but also for Shawn Thornton, and it showed in his post game interview.

He looks as if he is about to burst into tears at any time. No doubt a suspension is coming for ST22 and when it does, he will take his punishment like a big boy and hopefully put this entire debacle behind him.

And then we have James Neal.  Oh James, I thought you were better than that. Pants thought you were better than that.  She is wicked mad at you right now and you are going to have to work hard to get back in her good graces.

Also – you’ve been Shannaband.  Five games to sit in the corner in time-out to think about what you’ve done.

What we all need to do is take a deep collective breath and just calm the f*&^ down.  Stop the madness, people!

It seems to me that we are precariously close to forgetting that this game is all about. Especially the men that have the honor and the privledge to play this sport.  It is about using their emmence and awesome talent  to compete with dignity and grace.  It’s about sportsmanship.

Forgotten what that looks like?  Let Patrice show you.

Bergeron helping get stretcher out to Orpik

Huge thanks to @alisonsykora‘s mom Heidi, who took pictures of every page with her phone for us.  She likes James Neal the best because she’s a momgenius.

For safety, Sam overestimated the amount of room Sid needs to sit down.

Chuck Kobasew, come back to the lineup!

Matt D’Agostini’s in this year’s “Winter Look.”

Kunis and puppies and sweaters.

BSutts and Co. giving @alisonsykora the puppy eyes.

The closest to Raja that Aladdin could get.

These puppies match Geno’s outfit (and enthusiasm).

Joe Vitale and the tiniest little friend! Eeep!

Sassy and Neal. Yes, the dog is Sassy too.

Crosby is superstitious of black cats, so of course Duper has one.

Mario has one dog for each Stanley Cup.  He could handle more.

Hug it out, Rob Scuderi.

This is Nisky’s own dog. I’ll be over here, rolling around in my tears.

Get well soon, Beau. You’re too ridiculous to be without.

This scrappy little guy has Brooks’ eyes.

Disco Dogs

Also Flower’s own dogs.  And socks.

One last picture – a selfie:

It’s Conference Final time, and every hockey fan knows it’s often a new guy, a third-liner or someone breaking out of a slump at just the right moment who becomes a playoff hero.

Each of the four teams left owe a great measure of success to such a player. We salute these remaining heroes – and their beards – for what they’ve achieved so far, and for helping their teams’ dreams of bearded glory live on.

Read the rest of our post on Puck Daddy.