Me at 3 PM daily.

The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:

Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik

No one can see us in these jerseys.

To the Capitals!  Hello friends!  Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty.  The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks.  Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green?  New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs.  Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.

He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.

Thomas Vanek

Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back.  Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money.  Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island).  He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home.  Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.

Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.

Matt Moulson

Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall.  The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March.  Today he went back… to Buffalo.  To the worst team in the League last season.  That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.

I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.

The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go.  We’re coming for you, hon.

“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia

Jarome Iginla

The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys.  They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season.  They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla.  Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million.  We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.

Could still score on Roy.

Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.

My response to everything on UFA Day.

Paul Stastny

Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million.  At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year.  I need to talk to my boss about a raise.  Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?

Orange is the new Avs.

Ryan Miller

In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night.  Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise!  Who knows that will fall out.  Perhaps that is finally over.  Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.

Just don’t look at the punctuation.

Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.

Brad Richards

Sad Brad no more?  After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today.  Ho-ly crap.  New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful.  He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.

#partyhard

We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway.  NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.

Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.

Gingerbeard dreams.

There are so many more.  Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle.  Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida.  Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames.  Here’s the full list.  It will only get longer tomorrow.

Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.

Oh Ginger Staal.  It’s too bad you’re the only Staal I’ll never like because I would like to like you.

(Crank the volume on this one.)

“Don’t pick a chain restaurant. ”  Bahahaha.  Marc, you’re alright for a Ranger.

Here’s a longer/better version of the outtakes, where Ryan McDonagh gets direction on how to use his eyebrows.  Which are also, er… what was I saying?  I hate the Rangers?  Right.  I do.  But come on:

How does neither of these guys have a Foxy Friday?  We have featured at least 4 Rangers (Cally, Hank, Girardi, Boyle) and only one – maybe two – of those guys is better looking than MStaal or Ryan’s eyebrows.  I’m not going to write it myself or anything insane, but even I’ll admit this makes no sense.

Welcome to #Ryantown.

For heaven’s sake, I went to tag this post and Ryan McDonagh’s name doesn’t even pop up.  We have never once mentioned him?!

Here’s the second Rangers ad, in which I become convinced Sad Brad has a sense of humor, because he must have agreed to be picked on.

This campaign promises more ads to come. For now, some of us need to step away from the blog before we do something crazy.

The event, created by Scott Hartnell, Todd Fedoruk and  Joe Watson from the Caesar’s resort group, featured teams of NHL players in a charity fundraiser for Hurricane Sandy relief.  It sold out Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall to nearly 11,000 fans – most of them Rangers and Flyers fans.  They got to see…

James Neal score four goals.  Get it, baby.

Photo by nealwithit18.tumblr.com

Brad Richards and Scott Hartnell were the team captains, which is an impressive amount of hockey hair leading the charge.  Just for Ashley (@a_rake), here’s a photo of Brad doing #longhairdontcare with his helmet off:

Team Richards won 10-6, thanks mainly to King Henrik doing what he does (second) best – goaltending.  He made 56 saves!

His first and most appreciated talent will always be just being this:

Our friend Sonia (@lihui815) clearly knew what she was doing: Documenting the Flow.  Check out all her photos here.

Remember when we were brainwashed and liked Stamkos’ long hair?

I’m so glad those days are over.  Also, Steven is a wonderful human being who signed a puck for a girl whose sign said:

from Puck Daddy

WAITWAITWAIT.  I just have to write something and he’ll do it?  

How long can the sign be?  Can I have more than one sign?  Are there kids in this audience?  They can’t read anyway, right?

Now if someone could talk to iCarly about his hair…

Though there’s something quite Roman gladiator-esque about this look that works for him.  I’m thinking shield, bronze kilt, thighs.

And of course, Scott Hartnell.  He and I really have the same hair.  I’m just not lucky enough to be ginger.

Now back to the good part.  These two photos are from Instagram (kirstenfrances) via Tumblr, and she should get credit for having such an eye for perfection.  We don’t know her, but we love her.

This scored four goals.   Just take a moment to soak it all in.

Bravo to everyone who contributed their time and effort to make Operation Hat Trick a success, and it sounds like a lot of fun.  There’s talk of another charity game, perhaps in NYC, perhaps when I have stopped eating 9000 calories a day or have purchased snow pants to wear.  Either way, it’s a field trip.

Photos from the event were a bit limited.  If you’ve got good ones, let us know!

Check out Brad’s photo shoot and feature about about posing starkers for ESPN Magazine’s “The Body Issue”… in which he doesn’t even crack a smile.

The real Britney shows more life when she’s Xanax-synching her way through “I’m a Slave 4 U.”   I fell asleep in under 50 seconds, Brad!

Excuse us if you’re so perfect you’re not shy.  How about some false modesty, or at least a faint blush?  You’re wearing a bathrobe.  Your chest has been oiled by a professional who does that stuff for money, and not just on Craigslist.  (Hey, where does one apply for this job? What is the interview process?)  Nothing?!

Maybe when you look like this you don’t need to be liked try.

Here are all the Body Issue athlete photos [link] – very impressive physiques all around, of course, and a lot of the photos are really fun.  Like fun enough to make us start a soccer blog.

If I’m wrong about Brad Richards and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Interview, my apologies.  Maybe he was hungover.  I can’t bring myself to do research on the topic without a 5 Hour Energy in hand, or to believe he lived with James Neal!  Guess who’s the life of that party?  Neal gets his neighbor to make him breakfast, for heaven’s sake.  I wouldn’t make Brad a bet right now.

New campaign: Crosby 2013 and a wide-angle lens.

That’s Brad Richards’ song.  Depending on the street – is Henrik on the street?  And he is, in fact, a part-time model.

ESPN Magazine announced this year’s “Body Issue” athletes, and Brad will get starkers for some lucky, probably unappreciative cameraperson.  Last year it was Kesler, whom Jess swears was airbrushed after she saw him at the pool in Vegas.  We don’t think Brad here’s going to need much touching up…

It’s not the first time Brad’s been featured in the mag – see What’s in Brad Richards’ Closet?  Don’t even try to tell us you keep a bottle of red next to your sunglasses collection, stud.  Everyone knows the wine goes near the hot tub. (He failed to mention that in this NHL.com video feature on wine tasting. Swag.)

You’ll recall that Brad signed a 5-year, nearly $60 million contract last July.  You may also remember that when I see BRichards, I think of BRitney.  Hence, whenever he does something right I have to yell, “It’s Britney, bitch!” [link]  Even when that something is a playoff Game Five-tying, OT-forcing goal with 7.6 seconds left against the Capitals.  That was more of a deathwail.

Video bonus – Brad & Nealmobile were roommates back in Dallas [link].  James has a very messy room.  Between the two of them now they make $18 million/year.  Why do I never live next door to the right places?!

In 2004 with Tampa Bay, Brad won the Stanley Cup, the Conn Smythe and the Lady Byng.  It was huge news in ’06 when he was traded to Dallas.  His deal with the NYR was the biggest of last season’s UFA signings.

Love the Cup, like the pants, don’t ever shave your head again. Also, chances my dad would name his boat after me & my brother? Zero.

Brad had a solid year, though as the highest-paid NHL player it will never be enough (and then there’s NYC).  In the Rangers team performance was so good that his effective, respectable numbers were appreciated.  In a struggling year, 66 points would be derided endlessly.  It’s $181,181 per point.  I need a new job.

A clutch playoff performance, though it ended in Round 2, put an extra shine on Brad’s first season with the Blueshirts.  Multiple opinions abound: either he’s worth his weight in gold [link] or only a Cup in New York will make him a good investment [link].  I’m in the first camp: Richards’ team-leading 15 playoff points were more important than piling on leads for the first-placed Rangers all year.

Who else has stats like this?

The Brad Richards Foundation is a charity organization that benefits kids with life-threatening illnesses and their families.  Brad does multiple events a year, many benefiting a hospital in his home province of Prince Edward Island.  in 2010, he donated half a  million dollars [link] in honor of his childhood best friend who died of a brain tumor at age seven.

Even I will hug a Ranger for something that amazing.

The Rangers are an impossibly Foxy team, as we’ve demonstrated by giving them about 10 of these awards.  For ESPN Magazine to choose just one… ugh, no way.  Girls can do anything guys can do, except make a like that.

It was widely reported that Brad was dating Olivia Munn for a while.  They broke up because she looked so much better than him in the Princess Leia slave bikini costume.  I like Brad even more for liking her because she’s hot, but also a nerdy genre fangirl like myself.  What if they spend weekends watching ‘Firefly’ in the right order and trying to guess the final five Cylons?! *Sigh”

Whew, okay (fans self with copy of Ender’s Game).  I hated Brad’s long-ish playoff hair, but liked his scruffy beard.  Clean-cut Brad is the best, at any time of year He’ll make another $12 million this season on his front-loaded contract.  Will he be worth it?

Keep spending it on suits & sweaters and we say: Yes, yes, a hundred times yes.

Follow Brad at @brichards_1991, perhaps develop an affinity for watches and golf.  We love a guy who uses exclamation points.

Other teams that may have asked Brad to dance were Toronto, Calgary, LA, Tampa Bay and Philly.  How the Flyers have any money left after playing Supermarket Sweep yesterday is amazing.  And Tampa Bay, let’s focus on the chicken here: Give us our Stamkos immediately and no one gets hurt.

Richards, who has a confirmed case of Crazy Eyes à la How I Met Your Mother, is a nifty skater with a wicked shot and should rack up plenty of points in the absence of struggling forwards like Chris Drury.  Plus he can share hair product with King Henrick and hey… we’d want to play alongside MStaaaaaal and Mike Rupp too.

Style icons: Vinny, Henrik

I always want to call him “Brichards,” all one word, which my brain turns into “It’s Britney, bitch.”  So we’re gonna call him Britney from now on.  He can be one of her “city boys from New York.”  He’ll be 40 when this contract expires, and promptly put out to pasture with the Red Hat Society Wings.

And thus ends every FA deal we care about, with the exception of Stammergeddon.  But we’re not worried.  The Lightning will give him a blank check and our Life Plan will remain unchanged.  My birthday will be awesome.  Now, when do tickets go on sale?