Which is the only thing on Earth he isn’t good at.

This is a guy who scored his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot during his first NHL shift in his first NHL game. Remember when he got so mad at the All-Star Skills Competition because he didn’t hear the cue to start? This look on his face is TrueToews, the one he keeps locked away since Captain Serious changed his costume. There is also a puppy, in case any of me survived.

This comes hot on the tail of Tazer’s vitally important in-arena message: don’t get up to pee during the game. HOLD IT, PEOPLE! (Everyone looks at me, doing the pee pee dance in my seat.) That glorious contribution can be seen here.

BlackhawksTV, still the best.

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

2014 Calendar Shoot Teaser – Chicago Loves Pits

Warning: Video guaranteed to ruin your productivity and any current search for a real-life boyfriend.  100% increase in likelihood of pet adoption.

They really know how to dole it out in increments, these guys.

*sigh*

Just when we need someone who can be counted on to do the right thing, enter Jonathan Toews.  With a puppy.

This is a photoshoot in support of Chicago Loves Pits, founded by Brian Bickell.  I presume they’re doing a calendar.  Between this and Pens & Paws, I’m really going to know what day it is in 2014.

This lucky lady’s name is Juliette.  Looks like she took a few minutes to come around, but not even she could resist.

More Blackhawks?  More dogs?  Yes.

Foxy Friday infinity.

Gah, I feel better already.

Just kidding, that cheater sent Ben Smith in his place!

Jeff totally fooled us with this crap, like everyone in comic books and movies ever, and rode off on his Batbike into the night.

Guess he didn’t want to be the third part of our WUYS group costume:

Pants, Chuck and… maybe Carl Hagelin’s free.

Not bad, Jeff, but the balloon is supposed to be heart-shaped.

Geno, your date is adorable but we were hoping for someone more… muscular. Like last year.

Obviously Buzz Lightyear is all the rage this year – probably because these guys were born just before the movie came out in 1995.

Applause for Dougie Hamilton’s sense of humor.

Award for Most Committed goes to Nicklas Hjalmarsson.  Full makeup and this wig – he is selling it.  We’d rather have his wife’s wig (and never take it off).

Most Tumblr Friendly is, of course, Gabe the Babe.  His costume shopping will be featured on Altitude.tv in Colorado and shortly thereafter right here on this blog. Apparently there was a dance contest.  Dressed as Captain America.

Nice knowing you, Earth.

The trophy (get it, hunting trophy?) for Most Creative Couples Costume is awarded to Andrew Shaw and his date.  She, like I , made her costume entirely out of things she already had.   Just add deer.

UPDATE: I LIED.  Shaw was outdone by his captain.  Jonathan, you could have picked any Dwarf, or perhaps even Prince Charming, but this is sublime. Accuracy in action.

Courtesy of our own Amanda & also instagram.com/abickell.

Chris Kunitz, Winner and New Champion.  I love how this fits, like a 5th grader’s sweatpants with elastic at every end.  Like a Sunday night run to Walmart you hope no one sees.  Top marks for warmth, practicality and overall dad-ness.  Please wear this while taking your small daughter in a princess dress trick-or-treating.  Just don’t go to Crosby’s – he probably gives out apples.

More costumes at The Sporting News.  Happy Halloween, everyone!

credit: sportsmockery

I’m sure Chuck will do a post about the Bruins when she’s ready.  For now we send her and our other Bruins fan friends love.  We’ve all had teams lose before, but not everyone’s team has lost in the Cup Final.  Mine has.  It’s worse than anything.  So even if you hate the Bruins, hug a Bruins fan today.

Since hockey stops for no one, here are a few of my thoughts on last night’s game.  I promise to be gentle.

Blackhawks Win

I’m so happy for them.  If you’re around here a lot you know I like the Hawks quite a bit – they’re my Western Conference team and rank #3 among my hockey favorites.

That said, holy shit do I wish last night had been the Penguins.  Or the Capitals.  In that order.  You can bet your socks I would have run screaming through my neighborhood, onto the highway and not stopped until I reached whatever city my team was hoisting the Cup in.  Watching another team win is like watching someone else get in your boyfriend’s car and drive off.  Even if you like the girl.  That’s YOUR prize.

Speaking of prizes… almost!

So while I enjoyed last night’s win – and predictably burst into tears at the final buzzer – it wasn’t quite everything it could have been for me.

Plenty of everything for these folks.

For our Hawks fan friends – congratulations.  You, Chuck and I all know what that feels like from recent years.  Enjoy it.

The Bruins

Chuck will surely say something eloquent and heartfelt about her team and how proud she is.  Let me, who does not like the Bruins at all (not even a little), say this: Well done.  I wouldn’t hate you if you weren’t worth hating, and for that you must be good and strong and fast and so fucking frustrating.  You deserved to be in the Final and you earned my renewed hatred with some incredible hockey.

Patrice Bergeron – You, sir, can stay.  You can be Chuck’s boyfriend anytime.  Playing Game 6 with a broken rib, torn cartilage and a separated shoulder, no tape or stitches – that’s holding it together with your heart.  I am not sitting with Marchand at the wedding, though.  Put me between Seguin and the bar.

The Blackhawks

You guys know I get the Crosby-level prideweep over Jonathan Toews.  Back in April 2012, I wrote:

 If I were ever on a sinking ship, I’d want to look across the deck and see Jonathan Toews in charge of the lifeboats because you know everyone is getting to safety in a single file line holding their toothbrush and enough money to call home. [link]

Still true.  Toews has the heart of a lion and apparently… a sense of humor.  No! Stop!  Okay, dance.

Puck Daddy: Toews does the Moonwalk

from sheercompulsion.tumblr.com

If you were writing this for a sports movie, Andrew Shaw would take a puck to the face and bleed through the whole game.  A rivulet of blood would trickle down his cheek as he lifted the Cup.  I hope your movie was Rated R for how many f-bombs Shawzer dropped on national TV.

Last but not least, Kaner with the Conn Smythe.  Do you agree?   What about Crawford?  I could (and did) argue both ways.  Who cares, since they got the Cup?  Patrick Kane, pride of Upstate NY.  We’re going to see this mullet every year in the playoffs now – it’s a powerful weapon.

In the playoffs there are heroes everywhere.  Gregory Campbell.  Brian Bickell.  Everyone did their part.  Congratulations to the Blackhawks on their win.  Congratulations to the Bruins for doing what 28 other teams could not do.

Now summer is here – thank heaven for all the very attractive Cup celebration photos coming our way.

Is it October yet?

Hi, I’m Jess! You may remember me from such WUYS guest appearances such as Up Close and Personal and Our Friends Party With the NHL. Pants and Chuck have once again let me take over their blog so that I can drop a little ‘Hawks fandom on y’all.

My latest mission? The Fifth Annual Blackhawks Convention!

If you haven’t been to Chicago, go. Now. I’ll wait… Did you LOVE it? Amazing, no?  It is stunning and I cannot wait to go back/move there one day.

Friend of the blog, fellow Blackhawks fan, Virginia-native and all around spectacular human being Carter was already going to be there as, by happy accident, the Convention fell on the same weekend as the half-marathon she was running (!). I BEGGED her to hook me up with an extra pass, even though I live nowhere near Chicago (It’s 691 hour walk. Thanks Google Maps!) and wasn’t sure I could make it. A last minute seat sale and a terrifying Hotwire gamble meant I was on my way to the great state of Illinois.

Carter and I, as featured on the Chicago SunTimes website.  Not wearing Blackhawks gear = ultimate party foul. #guiltyascharged

Now, it is well documented than I suffer from a severe case of Jonathan Toews-induced catatonia and therefore my memories of the weekend are a little bit fuzzy. I was really hoping that the Blackhawks would have posted the whole thing on their website so I could do this thing Mystery Science Theater 3000-styles, but I will try my best…

Disclaimer: People on the interwebs had way better cameras than I did. I borrowed a few, but I highly recommend trolling Tumblr…

Day 1

The Opening Ceremonies were kinda like boarding an airplane. It took forever to get everyone in their places, there was a brief message from The Captain, followed by a video that no one really paid attention to. But then, THEN, as the room was emptying, Toews came out to do an interview in the press area that was RIGHT BESIDE ME:

Captain Deltoids

As he was leaving, he walked past and shook a few hands. Instead of extending my hand like a normal person, I put my hands behind my back because I was afraid this would happen:

He was ushered off by his NSYNC-circa-2001 security entourage, but not before he said “Sorry guys, I gotta go!” His voice directly touched my ears. Did I say ears? I meant SOUL.

Friday night was “Second City” comedy/awkwardness hour, scene of the infamous Shawlberg strip-tease. They can Magic Mike all they want, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler they are not. Personally, my highlight of the evening was Patrick Kane saying that he woke up that morning next to a beautiful woman and Carter’s hilarious NSFW commentary.

Day 2

There were memorabilia auctions, activities for kids and several rooms set up for Q&A’s. Personally, I parked my ass in the International Ballroom ALL day. The first must-see panel was “The Olympic Ideal”. Patrick Kane rolled in wearing the same clothes as the night before. Oh PKane, never change. There was a lot of “Blah blah, it’s an honour to play for one’s country,” but I do not remember anything that was said after Jonathan Toews spoke because he had sexy, husky morning voice and GURRRL HE LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN:

Captain More-Powerful-Than-A-Locomotive

Next up was the “Behind the Scenes with Blackhawks TV” panel wherein my Life Hero Patrick Dahl, Director of Advertising and Game Presentation, revealed that he has ample blackmail footage of Jonathan Toews in his underwear (the use of “ample” was not an intentional pun.) The panel also included humiliating out-takes of their already humiliating BHTV featurettes which can be seen here and here. The fake moustache has scarred me, as the kids say, 5-evah.

Captain Bashful

Speaking of humiliating, during the Q&A a crazy fangirl tearfully sang a version of “Call Me Maybe” to “Jonny” asking him to sign her jersey. Let me tell you, Carter and I would have taken gold in Synchronized Cringing, Pairs, Long Program. The fontrum was palpable.

But I’ll allow it because we were treated to this:

The last panel was “Generations of Captains” where Jon put on his big boy clothes to sit at the grown-up’s table. This was actually my favourite panel because Stan Mikita is everyone’s hilarious grandpa and I have never seen Toews laugh so hard. Like, literally head down, pounding the table hysterical laughter. It was joy.

Captain Judging-You (Thanks Veronica for the amazing photo!)

I really did try to get his autograph! I’m working on it you guys, 5th time will be a charm…

Captain Sport-Coat-No-Tie

Day 3

At the risk of facing WUYS army court-martial, I failed to get Viktor Stalberg’s autograph. Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. The convention employed an elaborate system of wrist bands and scratch-and-wins for pictures and autographs, and I am blessed with neither patience nor luck, respectively. There was a somewhat entertaining panel about social media in which I decided I want Jimmy Hayes to be my boyfriend, but other than that, it was pretty low-key and all was said and done by 1PM.

Hmm… what else?

• Brent Seabrook is the ULTIMATE troll. His sarcastic slow-clap is amazing. I want to hang with him.
• Patrick Sharp, like Barney Stinson, is INCAPABLE of taking a bad picture. He may never actually blink.

PATRICK SHARP. YOUR FACE.

Best Q&As

• Fan to Toews: “Are you gonna do a no-haircut season like Stamkos?”
• Toews: “I dunno. It gets out of control pretty fast.”
• Sharp: “Well, he’s not gonna have that hair much longer, so he better enjoy it.”

• Fan to Sharp and Mayers: “Is it hard leaving your family during road trips?”
• Andrew Shaw: “Yeah, it’s real tough leaving the kids.”
• Dan Carcillo: “Especially when you don’t know where they are.”

•  A mom, to Kane: “Can you tell my son that getting up at 4AM for practice is normal.”
• Kane: “I was doing something at 4AM, but it wasn’t playing hockey.”

I know this was overly Toews-centric (sorry I’m not sorry) and I’m forgetting a bunch of stuff (I barely discussed Patrick Kane and his forearms!), but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And one should keep some of one’s anecdotes secret, as one does not want to be a dreadful bore at cocktail parties.

Thanks again Pants and Chuck! You ladies are the absolute best and I adore you. XOXO.

We obviously adore you too, Jess.  And since you mentioned Kaner’s off-season arms project…

Oh, okay. One more smile.

Follow Jess for endless hilarity, and that time she took a photo of Stamkos & Skinner together just for Pants – @jfrancesw.

I posted a photo of this, but that is not even close to the proper pedestal on which it should be elevated in the WUYS Hall of Fame:

Foxy Friday x Infinity

Between hiccups of hysterical laughter, I was thinking:

Patrick Kane looks frighteningly attractive here, in yet another all-American polo shirt.  Dan Carcillo has the same haircut as a ragamuffin orphan in a Disney live-action musical.  Which is to say no haircut at all.

Team Tightpants on the other side of the stage… well, there’s no question why the girl comedian got that squad.

It takes her LESS THAN TWO MINUTES to make this happen:

Did you get all of that?

(.gifs by ladds.tumblr.com)

Look at her.  She can’t believe that worked!  Her equilibrium is shot – she’ll stumble every time she hears the word “Superman” for the rest of her life.

We were three buttons from a Magic Mike Tribute.  She’s a hero.

While you technically cannot repeat as a Foxy Friday, we do recounts for stunts like this.  Get that message out to everyone already featured.  We accept bribes of the brawny variety.

These pictures are from all over the place.  If they’re yours, we’d love to hug/credit you!  More photo fun shortly – I have to at these pretend I’m working today.

Unless this photo causes the end of the interwebs.

Oh yeah. It was nice knowing you.

1. Carl Hagelin

Former Foxy Friday and Ryan Gosling stun- double Carl Hagelin is not known for throwing elbows and getting dirrrty.  But the playoffs make people do crazy things.  He took out Daniel Alfredsson with a very high hit yesterday.

Alfredsson, the Sens’ captain, did not return to the game.  There’s been no update on Alfredsson’s status.  Hagelin served a five minute major and will be sentenced today.  Tortorella said “wah!” but that’s what he always says.

2. Matt Carkner

This guy is off his anger-management meds.  Boyle had a goal in game 1 and got into it with Karlsson to the tune of matching roughing minors.  It merits the clean check Carkner throws to start this, and probably a fight.  I understand protecting your most valuable asset.  But Carkner doesn’t square off, he jumps Boyle and drags him face-down across the ice under the dogpile.

Carkner got five for fighting, two for instigating and ejected.  Brandon Dubinsky was the third man into the fight and also got himself a game misconduct.  He took his frustration out on the Gatorade cooler.

This series is officially ugly.  I think Shanahan will suspend Hagelin for one game, especially if Alfie can’t play tomorrow.  The hit was directly to the head and otherwise you open it up to chaos.  If Carkner went after Boyle for a play that didn’t result in Karlsson being injured, what will they do to the guy who knocked out their captain?  Hagelin is not Boyle – he may not live to tell the tale.

Carkner definitely gets suspended here.  Fight a guy clean to protect your teammates, that’s hockey.  This is cowardice and can’t be allowed to stand.

3. Andrew Shaw

Goalies are like virgins whose fathers are right inside the front door with a shotgun – don’t touch them, it’s not worth it.  Chicago’s Andrew Shaw collided with Phoenix netminder Mike Smith last night, helmet-to-helmet. Smith went down hard and stayed there for a long time.

Shaw got a five minute charging major, on which the Coyotes scored to take the lead.  He was ejected as well.  Smith eventually got right and stayed in the game… what?  He must have passed whatever on-ice tests are administered immediately following a hit to the head, but this looked like a mandatory trip to the quiet room.  I think a five + game should suffice as Smith wasn’t injured on the play.  The hearing is tomorrow.

What do you think?  More importantly, if they don’t get what the opposition feels they “deserve,” what happens in game three?