I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

If you want to feel even older, fall asleep during an Oilers game and know that Ryan Nugent-Hopkins stayed up later than you did.

Pre-game interview, Post-game interview

He also scored a goal in his first game back from shoulder surgery, which catalyzed the Oilers to a 4-goal comeback and shootout win.

Thanks #TeamRNH.  Next time can you do that before, say, 11:30 PM Eastern?

#TeamHallsy also had a goal because Amanda bought a shirt with his number on it yesterday.  It’s like a gift with purchase (crooked hat not included).

Pre-game interview

Of course, #TeamEbs had the shootout winner.  Not to brag.

The Oilers new coach, Dallas Eakins, stood behind the bench and freakishly resembled the 10th (and best) Doctor Who.

Now to the fun stuff.  Thanks to everyone who sent this video of the Oilers Amazing Race.  Someday I will be on the real Amazing Race, and eliminated on day 1 because I cannot drive a stick shift.  It’s a recurring nightmare of mine.

The Oilers required no such skills… just a stretch SUV to deliver them.

Horrible decision, re-think immediately.

Not that I’m #TeamHallsy anyway, but obviously we’d make a terrible pair on the roads.  At least Yakupov is a worse driver than we are.

That’s a wall.

Hey, look what is an actual thing and not just #TeamShultz!  It’s the other Schultz (Nick), though.

Our #TeamSchultz is here, demonstrating horrendous 80’s movie-inspired karaoke skills.  I qualify for ALL of these teams.

Ryan’s into it.  He’s almost got jazz hands there.

Meanwhile #TeamEbs says, “I’ll just be over here, wearing my boyfriendsweater.”

And Sam Gagner replies, “Got nothing on my Hobbitsweater.”

This one’s for Chuck, plus Lindsay (#TeamGagner – can we just call it #TeamSam?) and Alison (#TeamSchultz).  Good luck ever getting produce, ladies.  Self-checkout is not for the faint of heart.  I’d feel better if Sam wore a cage 100% of the time to protect his broken jaw.

There is, of course, a moment in this event where WUYS took over planning and art direction.  That would be the Paddleboard Competition.

Everybody wins.

So welcome back Nuge, to the game, and the Oilers to the thrill of victory.  May you be disturbingly adorable all season.

Really, stop it.  You’re 12.

Keep it up, Oilers TV and you could make a run at Blackhawks TV for our favorite team marketing tool.  Rubber duckies are a good start, but you’ve got a long way to go to top Joey the Junior Reporter.

Please note, I have tagged this post PUPPIES!

from Geno’s Instagram

Well no, our obsession with boys in glasses began long ago.  Maybe it was when Chuck and I got our own glasses, or when we realized that we a) are nerds and b) like nerds.  Glasses may be more cool than Coke bottle these days, but the allure remains.

Smart is sexy.  The appearance of intelligence doesn’t hurt either.  It really helps if you look like you might read a book once in a while, and we’re not talking about the Official Strategy Guide for World of Warcraft.  (Kidding!  Mr. Pants has this.)

Based on the knowledge that girls do make passes at boys who wear glasses, here’s a collection of indisputable, photographic proof.

Foxy Friday: Hockey Players in Glasses

Okay, that’s unfair.

Now is the time to embrace your inner dork and give in.

Don’t kid us with your faux-frames, Kevin!  Kes would never do that.

Glasses can really improve any outlook.

They cannot overcome two earrings though, Buff.

And make terrifying things like Shea Weber’s beard slightly less so.

Glasses are a gateway drug for hipsters…

He’s since had Lasik, sorry.

… and at the same time, their crowning glory.

We haven’t seen these specs since Paul Gaustad left for Nashville…

Or since Chris Kirkpatrick’s turtleneck wardrobe went out of style.

That awkward high school photo of everyone, ever.

They can be used as a disguise…

Cape optional.

But if we see them on TV, we’re going to want to see them on your face.  We’re talking to you, James Neal.

And we’re not above getting your best friend to peer pressure you (or withhold breakfast).

Heck, glasses even work on Flyers…

And ex-boyfriends (who are now Flyers)…

And lobsters.

You don’t have to be a part-time model.  But it doesn’t hurt.

BONUS ROUND! Suggested by @jstefanc:

Happy Friday!

Click on the image below.

Watch the video.

Totes brilliant, right?  LOVE IT!!

Screen capping GOLD!

Thornton-san

Making sweet music

Master of the post-National Anthem fist pump.

Nothing more important than the flow.

Gosh, he's just such a noob.

Andy the Science Guy

The Bear is the worst roommate ever.

Patty cake.

I know how you feel, Jack. I love The Bear too.

I, sadly, was not there.  My invite must have gotten lost in the mail.

But Andrew Ference, Shawn Thornton, and Brad Marchand were there.

And they brought the Cup along for all to see.

Hot, Hotter, and Motoscooter. AF and ST looking delish...but not so sure about BM's shirt/chain combo though...

BROMANCE ALERT!

Well, they got that win…and then some.

They mauled the Canucks with their big, sharp claws.

Bear’s Victory Dance is well deserved.

Bruins play best when they are infuriated.  Aaron Rome gave them plenty to be P.O’d about after his late, blind side hit on Nathan Horton.  Horton lay on the ice, motionless, his right arm frozen as if he was still clutching the stick.  His eyes were fluttering as if he was having a petite mal seizure.  Terrifying to watch.  I don’t think that there was a single hockey fan, Bruin or Canuck alike, who wasn’t praying and hoping that NH18 would be okay.  Horton was transported to the hospital strapped to a stretcher.  Rome was tossed.  Bruins got a 5 minute PP.  Although they failed to capitalize on the man advantage, it seemed to ignite a fire within the belly of the bear. Players said that during the 1st intermission, the Bruins rallied around their injured teammate and vowed “to win one for Horty.” 

The Killer Bs came out of locker room, impassioned and determined to avenge their comrade-in-ice. 11 seconds into the 2nd, Andrew Ference (the original Green man) put the Black and Gold on the board with a slapshot from the point…

And the Bruins never looked back.

They poured it and managed to solve the goaltending puzzle that is Roberto Luongo.  Apparently, the key is to go high and go glove side.  Bruins beat him 3 times on the glove side and the other goals (with the exception of Kesler’s own goal) were up around Luongo’s ears. 

Apparently, the Bruins can’t score on the PP but they can shorthanded.  2 SHG.  They keep producing like that, we’ll gladly welcome those penalties!

Bruins had 7 different goal scores which shows the depth of the team’s forwards and their skill with the puck.  Marchand’s goal was highlight reel material and the little Motoscooter’s post goal celebration rivals the joyful exuberance of Dawn’s future 2nd husband, Alex Ovechkin.

They are way too happy to pay any attention to the moron flashing them...

Tim Thomas frustrated the Canucks with his in-cre-ab-leh saves and feats of flexibility.  He even managed to lay a hit on Henrik Sedin that would make Bill Belichick proud.

Protecting the house.

 If this guy doesn’t win the Vezina, than every GM in the NHL needs to have his head examined.  Sure, we might me a *bit* bias, but seriously.  Have you been watching him play?  Tim Thomas = Beast of the East.

 The Bruins D shut down the SedinBots, Kesler, Burrowes, et al with authority.  Getting Shawn Thornton into the lineup was a stellar move by Coach Claude.  It’s was like waking the bear from hibernation.  Who was grumpy.  And hungry. We’re all Seguinistas here but in this situation, it was best to sit the kid and go with the heart, toughness, and SCF experience that  ST22 brings to the team.  Plus he talks trash like nobody’s business.  Constantly yapping away, that one.

I could go on and on about all the things that the Bruins did right and all the things that the Canucks did wrong, but frankly I’m just mentally exhausted.  Energy must be conserved since I’ll be in the stands for Game 4.

I’ll try to tweet but I don’t know if my hands will stop shaking enough.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

PANTS: Sorry for the post-jack Dawn, but I have to add my Tweet from last night.

Andrew  and the Bruins have….The Coat.

Watch the video HERE!

Stylin' and profilin'

The label says it all.