EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?

In my mind, the only thing Sasha Fierce ever did right:

Based on this photo of Mike, taken last week and trolled from Tumblr, he takes a breakup like we take a breakup: Now shower, no contacts, yesterday clothes.  Probably a lot of sappy Pinterest-ing.  Wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Cheer up, Mikey!  There’s always Nicky.  And the 1/4th of a boob not cropped from this photo (not my work).  All is not lost!  Of course the absence of Semin making lazy and ridiculous mistakes means even more people looking at you… um, nevermind.  Love the glasses.

for all you capt. serious fans out there

What a baby face.

He almost looks like Sasha Fierce above

MG52 with his niece. Are they at TGIFridays? Because is it yet?

i'll protect those, ah, assets - Kris.

oh how did I miss this one? new desk top back ground.

I'm sorry ... he's hot. he's perfect. he's a hockey machine. I love him!

I just wanted out of Florida really.

they got caught coming out of Ihop ... nicky's mom is really disappointed.

Carlson and Alzner went to sleep away camp together for some more bonding time in the off-season even though it looked like one may not make the cap deadline. Luckily McPhee came through with the cash at the expense of another player but you can’t come between the bobbsie twins.

iCarly sneaks a cuddle with Ovi - who WOULDN'T!

I may not pump your tires, but I'll change them, ladies!

I’ll be wearing my highest rated googled sweat pants and this on that day and every game there after … GO CAPITALS!

I needed an accessory to go with my sweat pants did I?

Oh and when the Caps aren’t playing and Mr. Cherrie let’s me watch the Penguin’s : I made this:

And yes, I do wear these.

http://www.hulu.com/embed/Ehx5rv4H2X8P37EooR3hWQ

Also, I ran across this photo of Ovi and the girl hitching a ride looks like Chuck! Excuse me Chuck but that is MY MAN! I think you protest too much!

I knew it ... you love him too!

And simply because I used to wear this shirt like, OK, 20 years ago I couldn’t resist posting. Sometimes Peter Pan can’t grow up.

do they or do they not look like they got caught being naughty?

Um and if Sasha Fierce is 6’2″ – I’m a successful high fashion model with 36-24-36 measurements, weight 120 lbs, am 5’10 (actually am) and a real blonde with a real rack. But nice tan and Russian flo-bee; big hands too.

And lastly, guess this adorable tot who grew into an AWESOME NHL player! And I’m not tagging the photo. Just try and guess for fun and since it’s me, it should be easy.

favorite player was Wayne Gretzy - that's the only hint you get and no googling.

If WUYS ran the world, things like this would happen more often.  With intermissions for push up contests and  someone selling funnel cake.

So. Much. Eyeliner.  I can’t even look a Nicky, he looks like he’s blaming Mike for everything.

So Mr. Cherrie alerted me to a few nuggets which I traced to Ovi’s twitter! First up, his run in with the First Lady where evidently 6′ 5″, 220 lbs. Jason Arnott was SHOVED aside by Secret Service agents at a restaurant with not so much as an “Excuse me” but just “Step a side.”
Ovi wanted to get a picture with her so both Arnott and Ovi went over to talk to her.

“We talked a little bit about the Capitals,” Arnott said. “We were trying to get her to come to a game. And she said she and her husband were trying to get to a game. Ovie’s like, ‘We can get you tickets if you want to come.’” Really? He has that kind of pull? Can he get me tickets too?

charming the first lady!

A continuation of the EPIC ROMANCE: Ovi and Sasha Fierce celebrating Sasha Fierce’s birthday! I bet Ovi stopped at the grocery store on the way over to SF’s before the party. Did they then pop them and starting huffing and making silly voices? Was a sleep over pajama party involved? Did they paint each others nails and then do each others hair? Because I want to see those photos too!

And next time, we want to be invited. No, we DEMAND to be invited! We’ll even bring the Justin Bieber “One Less Lonely Girl” Purple Passion nail color! Honest! I just get dibs on Ovi! I know, I know, no one here is going to fight me for that pleasure.

How old you are? SRSLY?

Hey, Dawn, Sasha here, you forgot my BIRTHDAY you dumb B$&ch!

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have bunches of sweet love for you! I scored first place in my fantasy Caps hockey for the month! I’ve never ever done that! And the trade deadline’s past and YOU’RE STILL A CAP! THANK MOTHER RUSSIA! I was totes sweatin’ that one. Instead GM GM gave you some sweet back up so now you can add to all those hat tricks you’ve racked up this season!

So in honor of your birthday, we get to embarrass you just like it was a real birthday party! So here’s your first NHL fight with Marc Staahl where, well, I’ll let the video speak for itself:

And then we pull out old photos of you doing spazzy things when you thought no one was looking:

and then there's this one ...

Or when you got really drunk doing shots with Mikey and Brooksy and forgot your pants at Neuvy’s place and you all  snuck back in to Kettler to play some shinny hockey and then you ended up calling Ovi’s mom?

drunk dialing Ovi’s mom and heavy breathing!

Or that time Ovi talked you into going on that ‘double date’ and it ended up being just you and him?

You were a good sport about that!

Either way, we love you and wish you a belated but none the less FABULOUS WUYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY SASHA FIERCE!

THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE! HOT TOO!