When I saw this:

My first thought was:

Then my interfriends kindly informed me this was from a commercial – an actual mini movie – in which other such ovary-punching moments are included.

What was that you said?

Yeah, that’s what I heard.

Lindsay’s expert analysis of this photo: “The lighting is all 90’s, reminds me of The Cutting Edge.”

If Sid scraps the scuff, he could be Doug Dorsey for Halloween.

Sportsnet always has good hockey content (compared to the US, who doesn’t?), and I love their new campaign. Apparently the players love it too – and they don’t want to leave.

These are all things Intern Jeff Skinner thought he’d be doing when he signed up to work at WUYS.

Throwing away Penguins and Bruins-looking hockey paraphenalia, pretending it smells.

Ping pong and video games, while growing his hair out. Can you see the promise of a man-bun lurking here? Headman and Doughty are one real opponent away from asking to borrow a hair tie. (And being told no, because no.)

Fixing things with athletic tape – Jeff actually does this, though we requier duct tape because we have standards and you can buy duct tape with Minions or Justin Beiber printed on it. If he could roll some duct tape into a hair tie, we might concede the man-bun.

Eating french fries. As if there are any fries left when Intern Jeff finishes getting our lunches. He’s on a strict diet of orange slices and Capri Sun like the rest of the kids on his school bus. Plus, Tyler Seguin eats fries like he’s asking Leonardo DiCaprio to draw his nude portrait in Titanic. That is how you get us to share our floating door in the North Sea, friends.

Napping. We don’t let Intern Jeff sleep on the job, but we will let him carry in the new couch we just ordered in case Crosby ever shows up here. And none of this standard-cushion-size stuff, we went for the oversize, extra-sturdy, big & tall model. Cros can hardly fit his backside on SportsNet’s little sofa.

(Bonus: Unintentional slightly early screencap that defines my life.)

Hey, if that doesn’t work out for Intern Jeff Skinner, he could always get  gig helping out at Sportsnet:

Here’s some BTS from what look like a lot more Sportsnet commercials yet to come…

Behind-the-scenes, we like to put hockey's brightest stars like @RealStamkos91, @dewyy8 and @ErikKarlsson65 to work. https://t.co/8eel944LY3

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) September 21, 2015

Trust that if ever Crosby doesn’t look sweaty enough for something, this is not how we’re going to fix it:

One more, to illustrate me trying to leave my desk today when people keep sending more things to blog about:

The #NHL's #BrightestStars have the on-ice skills down, but we're still working on their acting chops. #outtakes https://t.co/M9YCgpzVw5

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) October 1, 2015

Bear with us as I have no idea how to use some new WordPress features and these pictures look a little drunk.

It’s been 131 days since we did a blog post and honestly, it’s all that sloth’s fault. Look how cute he is! Big smile, no thumbs – it’s so hard to type when we’re bursting into Kristen Bell-type tears all day long.

But hockey season is nearly upon us. Sorry sloth, time to get back to work.

And how should we begin? For what did I reset my forgotten password? For this, I say.

Bangs. Scruff. Or something of each sort, Sid-style. Which is more than enough for us.

Right?

Of course right.

These are from Sid’s new CCM commercial for the “Made of Hockey” campaign. See the video on Instagram here. Bonus: voiceover. The sloth doesn’t speak English but he’s purring.

Hmm, maybe it’s a girl sloth.

Tumblr also supplied the breaking news that Sid danced at a wedding:

Photo by unknown heroic person

If there’s something more awkward than Sid dancing, it’s… well, probably every other moment of his life. But we can promise you one thing: the unpictured groom filed a prenup on the day Sid’s RSVP arrived for this wedding. Judging by the photo, that prenup probably wasn’t detailed enough to include the bride’s dress trying to open itself at the back.

[Visit Crosby’s new house: WPXI 11 News]

We are gearing up for the new season, starting by figuring out who the heck is on our teams now. There will also be blogging. I am even going to Canada tomorrow – really, they are letting me in! It’s for work, but a visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame should give me the appropriate kick in the the shorts. I hear there’s a World Cup of Hockey press event… what’s the exchange rate on bail again?

For now, we say this. And that the Penguins will win the Cup this year. (Chuck’s offline for a few days before she can delete that!)

You can see the commercial exclusively at TSN’s Bar Down site.  It’s another adorable story in which humor plucks heartstrings and adversity is overcome.  It’s about hockey and, um, well…

Steven Stamkos wears a t-shirt.

Jordan Eberle is mean.

Steven Stamkos runs down a hallway.

Steven Stamkos opens a door.

Did I mention he wears a t-shirt?  This plot really has my attention.

Steven Stamkos holds something.

Something heavy that requires flexing.

Steven Stamkos is conflicted, brooding and, as usual, kinda sparkly.  Hey, it worked for Twilight.

He makes the hard decision.

Oops, wrong movie.

Ultimately, in angsty and poignant profile, Steven Stamkos decides to be the hero that we always knew he could be.

Figure skating happens.  Intern Jeff Skinner storms out of the room, mumbling about casting couches.

The villain gets his comeuppance in really excellent lighting.

THE END.

But not really.  A brief interview video on best hockey pranks reminds you that:

Steven Stamkos wears a t-shirt.

Jordan Eberle is the least mean person who ever lived.

And to ignore all mentions of Martin St. Louis and the good old days.  

Focus!  Remember the t-shirt!

Steven’s pretty good at this – he and Ebs should do more commercials.  All we hear when we look at them is a cash register noise anyway. (Thanks, Lindsay.)  Also James Duthie can get an American late night sketch show and we’ll DVR it because it’s past our bedtimes.

The Coke Zero “Moment Zero” campaign is so excellent, it’s what we’d come up with if the world were Canada and we were in charge.  Glad to see someone else is up to the task (and possibly inside our brains).

Waste Invest your day in all the other Moment Zero fun here, and don’t forget that time Ebs threw a Canucks fan out of the movie theater.

Steven Stamkos returns to hockey tonight when the Lightning host the Sabres at 7:30 PM.  He’s excited, we’re excited, I hate the Rangers – all systems go.

That is, assuming he has any.  I certainly can’t control mine – this ad campaign gives me the stupid giggles, defeating the obvious intention to hypnotize me with John’s voice.  I half-heard it while dozing off, but I’m suddenly inspired to buy a lot of shaving cream and an Islanders jersey.

Try saying, “I’m really excited” without sounding excited at all.  You can’t.  It’s impossible when we’ve gone from this:

To this in five months:

From @NHL

Aces.  It’s a Before & After when the before was pretty freakin’ great to start with and the after is just bam! – messy hair and boyfriend sweaters.  Not to say the pleats and belts have gone away – I hope not, honestly – but it seems like someone is reading this blog for fashion suggestions & approval.

And we approve.

If you’re going to be a part-time model, you have to raise your game (face).

https://twitter.com/HeatherTrussler

On Saturday vs. Philly, John had a goal waved off because of a marginally, microscopically earlier penalty by a teammate.  He was furious (and rightfully so), but the outburst was so emotional that @DLF1021 and I laughed.  Remember that time in November he got an unsportsmanlike minor for yelling at a ref?  I forgot this face could do that.

John will be included in the first episode of NHL Revealed, airing Wednesday Jan 22. There are commercials for this in Canada, but I haven’t seen any stateside and I can’t find them online.  Just as well – I’m supposed to be controlling my emotions.

John *just* scored to tie vs. Philly 1-1.  Emotions not controlled!

With that John moves to 2nd in the NHL in points.  Get excited.

(By the time I got to post, the Flyers have scored again and John drew a penalty.  So we’re still getting there.)

Sidney Crosby Reebok commercial: “Home”

Okay, day’s over! Blame Alison.

There are also a few new Crosby commercials on YouTube.  Here’s my wallet, Reebok, just take it.  I don’t even care what you’re selling.

Let me pause that for you.

Side note: I do care what they’re selling.  I have a pair of Reeboks with this “Nanoweb upper” and I hate them.  My foot slides all over the place. (/rant)

Here it is in French:

… which apparently requires a red shirt instead of green.  Shirt, I am looking at his shirt, people.

Workout videos always me want to run stairs and do squats – yes, really.  If you’re like me, here’s some instruction from Sid’s trainer Andy O’Brien.  While clearly designed for athletes, this could be re-packaged and advertised as the “Booty Like Crosby” workout if people wanted to make some serious money.

Fire Up Your Game with Reebok Canada and Andy O’Brien:

• Episode 1
• Episode 2
• Episode 3

Sid crossed a street in Edmonton last night, resulting in a thousand fan and creeper photos if you’d like to have an Awkward Crosby Tumblr laugh.  Not into the blue blazer/back t-shirt combo, Kid.

Or you could just click this photo for Team Canada’s super hi-res roster picture.

Canada – Understanding its Assets Since 1987

Consider this your Foxy Friday, because I won’t be doing anything else today.

The Golden Goal was the moment my husband realized I am actually crazy.   Cheers in my building died immediately – except for mine.  Instead of being devastated by the US loss, stunned silent and saddened, I was screaming.  There was jumping and running followed by a lot of not knowing what to do with myself.  My love of Crosby topped my love of country (and a fairy-tale ending) that day and I am not ashamed.

Needless to say, I am excited for the Olympics.  I’m only slightly less excited for the onslaught of commercials that revolve around the Games – and with 40 days until Sochi, they have begun.  They have begun!

I CAN’T!!!!

Let’s start with John Tavares’ face game face.  And his voice.  Holy Hannah, somebody give this guy a phone book to read and let me pay for the podcast.

You giggled when he looked at the camera, didn’t you?  I did.  I still am. When someone tells you to be serious and you can’t keep a straight face to save your life, just try squinting.  His hair is flawless though.  Let’s get over this lower-body injury and get this coif back on the ice stat, s’il vous plaît.

(Side note: This video was posted December 6 and I just found it.  Three weeks!  Intern Jeff Skinner is so fired.)

Every year, Canada takes to reminding themselves that hockey is their sport.  So far I have encountered zero Canadians in danger of forgetting this, but it’s very patriotic and rousing and jealousy-inducing so here you go:

Ahhh, Donuts!  We haven’t mentioned Drew Doughty around here in a while. Nice to see his floppy flow again – which is promptly upstaged by a glimpse of Stamkos as brief and wondrous as our hopes that he’ll be healed in time for Sochi.  Marketing at it’s best.

Canadian Tire makes excellent use of resident superhero Jonathan Toews to pay tribute to all that goes into hockey, starting with his parents.

There’s also a :30 version of the commercial, a behind-the-scenes video from the shoot and an extended interview with John & his dad about their backyard rink.

Superhero smile

We Americans have seen Zach Parise’s charming face during every play stoppage for nearly a month.  This after-school special should come with PB&J.

There will be more heartstring-plucking, chest-pounding, flag-waving ads in the days to come.  If you see one first, send it to us!

CUT TO: Point of view shot of Pants’ phone.

CUT TO: Reaction shot.  Hold for 20 minutes.

END SCENE.

Sometimes, I just lose it (ex: Matt Niskanen and That is Not a Turtle) and last night this set me off.  When I finally calmed down enough to Google and read, I saw that John Tavares got an endorsement deal.

BASED ON HIS FACE.

Okay, maybe 91% based on his face, 5% being great at hockey and trying to make Canada’s Olympic Team and 4% needing to shave this off:

But still.  His face.

John obviously should have endorsements based on hockey.  There’s the one with Reebok, sort of, shared with Talbot and Duchene.  Otherwise blame the combination of the Isles record, being third team in a market and hockey’s lack of overall American popularity for the reason you don’t see him in Modell’s or Under Armor or the random store by my house that has a Crosby Reezig display.

This Gillette deal?  It’s because:

From Business Wire:

Gillette Canada announced today that it is joining forces with Team Canada Olympic hopeful John Tavares to help Canadians get their ‘game face’ on in support of our hockey stars as they go for gold at the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games.

Tavares is the new ‘face of Gillette’ in Canada and represents how both precise preparation rituals and the right equipment are essential when putting your ‘game face’ on. The 2013 Hart Trophy Finalist knows having his game face on is absolutely crucial for success – whether on or off the ice. Tavares is a two-time gold medalist at the World Junior Championships and a hopeful to make Team Canada’s roster for the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games.

Next thing you know he’ll  be selling khakis for The Gap.  They are always trying to make khakis happen.

Whoever made this, bless them.

Of course, I’m kidding.  All accolades really ride on John’s incredible talent.  A #1 draft pick who earned his Hart Trophy nom (if not the trophy itself, Ovi you jerk) last season, he continues to carry his NHL team and aims to be a big part of Canada’s push to repeat for Olympic Gold.  Can you imagine a safer spokesperson for a brand?  He’s probably thanking them by restructuring the company’s 401k program before putting up  their Christmas decorations using environmentally friendly tape while baking gluten-free cookies.

Gif by @ambitiouspants

John will also be part of Proctor and Gamble’s returning “Thank You Mom” campaign.  You Canadians will get to see all of this on actual TV but for once I’m okay sticking to online.  It means I can control when the inevitable happens:

John’s Gillette ad campaign will launch in December, presumably with the elimination of the Movember mustache .  Keep an eye out for his face in print, TV, online and the inside of my high school locker.

Oh Ginger Staal.  It’s too bad you’re the only Staal I’ll never like because I would like to like you.

(Crank the volume on this one.)

“Don’t pick a chain restaurant. ”  Bahahaha.  Marc, you’re alright for a Ranger.

Here’s a longer/better version of the outtakes, where Ryan McDonagh gets direction on how to use his eyebrows.  Which are also, er… what was I saying?  I hate the Rangers?  Right.  I do.  But come on:

How does neither of these guys have a Foxy Friday?  We have featured at least 4 Rangers (Cally, Hank, Girardi, Boyle) and only one – maybe two – of those guys is better looking than MStaal or Ryan’s eyebrows.  I’m not going to write it myself or anything insane, but even I’ll admit this makes no sense.

Welcome to #Ryantown.

For heaven’s sake, I went to tag this post and Ryan McDonagh’s name doesn’t even pop up.  We have never once mentioned him?!

Here’s the second Rangers ad, in which I become convinced Sad Brad has a sense of humor, because he must have agreed to be picked on.

This campaign promises more ads to come. For now, some of us need to step away from the blog before we do something crazy.

Like whooping, twirling and scaring Intern Jeff Skinner excited.  (We don’t let him work the Halloween Party.)  Then yesterday, more screams were heard ’round the world as Lindsay and Alison whipped these around the internet.

Alison found this teaser:

And she was all, “WHAT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!”

But today, the full length video went up.  And it was this face all day:

Try it for yourself:

My lifelong brand loyalty to Coca-Cola has been validated in a way I could never repay at the cost of soda these days.  When a server asks, “Is Pepsi okay?” I always say, “No.”  Now I will say it much louder.

So many things.  First the narration is so Ron Burgundy-esque that I bet they’re broadcasting from a hot tub full of scotch.  Steven’s boyfriend sweatshirt is in full effect.  Then it actually says “let his stick do the talking.”  I swear, no one runs this stuff by girls.

Oh wait, they do.  Adorable outtakes?  Insightful B-roll?

Oh my, it’s really pronounced “RegIna.”  I was hoping that might not be true.

Wait until Stamkos blames it all on John Tavares while casually drawing your focus to how well his shirt fits.  We know where to look, Steven.

All this attention is making #TeamEbs nervous.

Okay, I love everyone.  My crappy day at work is erased as I watch this on a loop.

There is a second, deleted video of more chirping.  I tried to find it but the only Google results for “eberle stamkos” are this blog and fanfiction.  So basically this blog twice.  If anyone turns it up, we want it!

For  now, enjoy Cabbie giving Stammer acting lessons.  The next time a guy asks why girls go to the bathroom together, say you’re working on this.

Or just say:

POST SCRIPT: From Lindsay, courtesy of Sharp Magazine.

Click photos for super hi-res. You’re welcome.

Bonus: Joffrey Lupul in suits.

• Stamkos
• #TeamEbs
• Cabbie
• Coca-Cola

The answer would be zero, but that’s already the name of this campaign.

These two will star in the next “Moment Zero” feature for Coke Zero.  The first brought us Kevin Wheeler, and Ebs’ distractingly perfect and probably autobiographical performance as a guy whose mom drives him to games [link].

What do you think this one is about?

Here’s a Vine from TSN in which Stamkos tries to trade Cabbibe his Ebs action figure for what looks like a bag of Ring Dings.  I love ya, Jordan, but a bag of Ring Dings is a really good offer.

Back to the shoot, which took place on August 8.  How I managed not to see this for 11 days… the internet is full of marvels, people.  FULL.

Steven’s Clark Kent hair.

The idea of hockey players in national ad campaigns, during which people actually recognize them, makes me want to throw this keyboard out the window and walk to Canada.  It’s only 655km, according to Google Maps, which converts all measurements involving Canada to kilometers because it mistakenly assumes only Canadians wants to know the distance.  I want to know!  I don’t understand you!  (Calm and converted – it’s 407 miles.)

The only way this ad could be better is if it were for Mexicola and Intern Jeff Skinner guest-starred.  Then he brought us those Ring Dings.

Worse than the total agony of being in love?

We’re almost there again.  The gut-wrenching, screaming-into-a-pillow, obsecenity-laden euphoria and destruction of the post-season.

In past years, the NHL has come up with some great commercials to capture this emotional meteor shower.

Granted these are for the Cup final, but I’ve been moved and inspired.  I’ve been fired up.

And I’ve wept like that time Professor McGonagall stepped between Harry and Voldemort in Deathly Hallows.

@Raedanda found these, the NHL’s first playoff commercials for teams that have clinched berths this year.  I have to say… BLEH.

I love a good montage, but these are doing nothing for me.  Not the Penguins, or the Toews/Kane bromance.

Not Foxy Friday Carey Price, not even Corey Perry’s overturned turtle goal-slide celebration.

I need blood and sweat, I need lowlights that I suffered through while my teams paid for their playoff berths in pounds of flesh.  I need feels.

Meh.  I am a hundred times more excited and terrified than these commercials let on.  Here’s hoping for better as this shortstop season draws to an end…

They didn’t quite hear me, but they may have understood some of my International Sign language.

That’s right.  My hair-tossing and reasonable facsimile of the Kid N’ Play dance meant please do this:

What’s that?  I’m a nuclear physicist and you need to record my voice to bypass security a break into a missle silo?

You’d better hope the passcode is a bunch of four-letter words and gasping.

Of course, an agent always gets his girl.  And his girl ends up dead, covered in gold and rolled in a hammock in Antigua.

Eh, probably worth it.

There was never a shortage of Bond girls or bad jokes.  Get it – Bauer VAPOR?  Because these were all shot with the humidifier set to stun?  And all my powder compacts are really remote detonators and lock picking sets.

Better hurry up, the shiny villain-type is coming.

Then the money(penny) shot.   They’re thinking: JAMES BOND.

I’m thinking: BOYBAND.

Worked Westlife into a post, complete with Bry(i)an.  Maybe I am a physicist.

Closer, Bauer.  You’re getting closer.  No pressure, but when other athletes model… well, I’m not even sure what they’re selling, but I’ll buy it.

Maybe that’s what happens on 4.18 when…

Jordan’s face is the same one we make when we see Canucks jerseys:

Look how happy he makes this little girl!  She doesn’t even have teeth!

Someone should tell her this is it, as good as it gets.  She can pretty much give up now.  Unless RNH comes along – he’s her age, right?

Dear sweet Mother of I Don’t Know What I Did to Deserve This but your girl here was apparently on the REALLY REALLY NICE list this year, and Christmas is a little early.

I screamed when I saw these.  My boss came running and found me face down on my desk pointing at the monitor.  She mumbled something about a “dorky white guy” and left me hyperventilating into a bag of Reese’s Pieces.

“These are a few images from a recent shoot at Longue Vue Country Club of James Neal of the Pittsburgh Penguins for Travis Mathew Apparel.” – Seth L. Williams Photography

Go to the Travis Matthew site now and buy more presents for everyone you know.  Hire Seth L. Williams immediately for all events.  Give these people your money, they have already given us the goods!

Endless, glittery, cupcake-flavored holiday hearts to @svenglass for sending this.  You are my hero.

LOOK AT THAT TATTOO!  Did I just say I don’t like tattoos (re: Mike Green)?  LIES, ALL LIES!

I love it.  I don’t even care what it is.  I will put it on the flag of the country I start when I win the lottery, buy an island and create my own hockey league.

Nealand.  Now accepting applications for citizenship.

James, don’t also start wearing tight pants.  Unless you’re going to call me on that phone right now (202-000-1818), I cannot handle any more physical description or idea of description or basic general approximate estimated information.  Or anything to do with your pants.

Ah, f&%$ it.  More pants!

Sweaters too… don’t leave me any chance of walking away with my wits intact.

This is so autumnal, so back-to-school that I really want to play flag football with accidental, full-body tackling.  Possibly in the mud.  Anyone else get that?

I can’t go on.  I’ve run out of semi-coherent things to say and all I hear is the sound of a cash register ringing in my head.

That’s it.  I’m getting coal and Flyers tickets next Christmas, but it was worth it.

Someone should check on me in an hour, make sure I’m still breathing.

Again, all these photos are from www.sethlwilliams.com.  They deserve a case of wine or a wagonload of gold bars.  Bless them, every one.

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

Oh, Eberle.  Checking himself out in the hubcap.

For now, it appears Lindsay is not holding a grudge over the Claude Giroux Foxy Friday.  Or perhaps she is trying to cleanse us of all the ginger dreams.  In their place, she submits Sidney Crosby’s new Gatorade commercial.  Complete with the ice bath she needed after watching.

It was announced over the weekend that in addition to his post-concussion syndrome, Crosby suffered a neck injury that has now healed.  It may or may not have been discovered in LA or Utah, and may or may not have been broken vertebrae. [link]

Am I getting this right?  Crosby goes to the doctor like every 10 minutes and it took someone 7 weeks to find this?  That is, if he didn’t injury his neck even before the last game he played (12/5 vs. Boston).  Crosby’s camp says the injury is no detriment to his concussion recovery process and things proceed as they were.

Sid’s currently cleared for “light exercise.”  I guess this commercial was filmed before his symptoms resurfaced, because I’m tired and hungry just looking at it.  Ray Shero is optimistic that Crosby will play again this season.  So am I, and so are you.  Go put on your C, you’ll feel better.

Girls, my credit card is maxed out. I need a ride.

Patrick, you got drunk and gave it to us last night.

Very funny. Come get me.

Great party though.  Too bad you fell asleep.  All that fun and only Toews to hang out with… he may never recover.

But I was Foxy Friday.

What can we say?  He’s serious about WUYS.

That's it, I'm walking.

Here’s the second one [link].  We miss his adorkableness something awful.

And the new SC87 gear advert.  JUST TAKE ALL OUR MONEY.

Intern Jeff Skinner isn’t going to be happy spending all day entering us into this:

Here’s the contest link.  You have to be Canadian to enter (that’s racist!), but you win for 4 people.  So you’ll take us, right?  We’ll even get to the ‘Burgh on our own, you can sleep across our empty seats on the plane.