Hello friends! Hope you had a nice summer. I did – and my team did too, of course. Easy to get a tan with the sun reflecting off the Stanley Cup.

At least pretend it’s heavy, Kris.

And off the white hot glare of your Twitter account.

Cue total side meltdown re: Phil loves his dog.

Speaking of which…

Is a hockey jersey “business attire” if you’re a blogger?

This is down the street from my office. And you just might know someone who is there tomorrow. That’s all I can disclose for fear of this being used against in court.

Updates, of course, if I evade prosecution. If you don’t hear from me, hopefully one of you is a lawyer and/or Canada will accept my request for asylum. (You know, before all the other Americans try to go there.)

It’s okay, B. We’ll take her off your hands.

So, are you guys excited? Nervous? Wondering who the hell is on your team these days? I am. And as ever, asking myself the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything:

Tested and proven.

USA Today accurately reports predicts the Penguins will win the President’s Trophy.

Semi-science is at least 50% more science that we usually use. LINK

If that list holds, we’ll have to break up this lovefest in the first round. NHL 2016-17, already imaginarily testing my loyalties.

(Editor’s note: “Imaginarily” is not a word. Additional  note: We don’t have an Editor.)

#sorryJohn

ESPN featured Vegas odds last week that had the Hawks and Bolts atop the likely Cup winners. I like this because the Rangers, Flyers, and Bruins are all missing.

The Bolts improved considerably by doing… nothing.

Of course, pre-season predictions are almost never right. Even those based on actual analysis of talent and roster, matchups and Corsis nearly always miss. So far, I am doing pretty well by just picking the Penguins every year.

Blackhawks fans just laughed.

So I’ll do that again this year: look deep into my crystal ball (pint glass) and pretend I see glorious victory for my team shining brightly above a pile of broken, trampled enemies.

But until then, welcome back, hockey season.

Pic from hockeychickchat.tumblr.com

I do. To which Sidney Crosby replies:

Very welcome.

The Penguins play in DC tonight. Which means they are in DC right now. Which means an NSA satellite is probably reading this post and assessing whether or not I pose a security risk.

:: Kanye shrug ::

There is so much going on in that photo, I don’t even care that he’s wearing a chain like it’s Labor Day 2003 in Cape May, NJ. Once again, pockets have an existential crisis over failure to perform their basic function. If you’ve never contemplated the cosmic mystery of the Dorito ratio, allow my other favorite Captain to demonstrate…

GIF: Captain America eating Doritos

But I digress. Where will the Pens rank when the season ends in TWO GAMES? Who will they face in the playoffs? Will Crosby shave off what is honestly some great facial hair he has going on? He is grooming it now, thank heaven. From scraggle four days ago:

To sleek two days ago (presumably the same day as the shirt photo above):

Source: Frameworth Sports

@Alisonsykora is worried about these important matters, and you should be too. Because I cannot have any thoughts past this.

Click at your own risk: Larger version

Really. I can’t.

• Votes: 660
• Upsets: at least one
• Hearts broken: Mine, twice

Click for larger version

Jonathan Toews lost. Not that Zach Parise isn’t just as charmingly handsome or likely to put his coat over a puddle so your shoes don’t get wet walking to his luxury car, but still. Jonathan Toews lost. He doesn’t… do that. Ever. Not since that ASG Skills Competition when he didn’t know the shooting round had started!

But I didn’t have time to activate Manitoba!

Zach got 53.3% of the vote. For once in hockey, the US is all…

#sorrynotsorry

John Tavares also lost, to Steven Stamkos, by 93 votes. If it had been 91 votes I would have tossed myself off the Annapolis bridge. (Note: not that high). As it is, I feel like:

I’m gonna hold my breath till I get a new one.

And you know how Tavares feels? No, not sad. Well maybe a little, on the inside, but he’d never been so ungracious as to show it. He’ll just take his whatever-place-finish and shucks, thanks so much to the hundreds of people who did think he was handsome!

He will actually wear this, and not just when you visit.

Meanwhile, Stamkos says:

A fave from our friend Alexis and heygirlimstevenstamkos.tumblr.com.

Crosby v Letang was way too close at the start. Hey, I love Disney Princes, but this is Sid we’re talking about! Luckily, Pierre Maguire was free to stuff the ballot box all day long, and Crosby took home his round with +170 votes.

Act like it was part of the plan.

Marko Dano surprisingly got 36% of the vote in his round – I still haven’t looked this guy up. If he fell out of the sky right now and landed on me, I wouldn’t know him. But you can bet Tyler Seguin didn’t even blink at this competition.

Roll my windows down and cruise.

It was surprisingly no competition between Jamie Benn and James Neal, as Benn got 75% of that vote. Is it the Nashville? The not scoring 30 goals, not getting suspended, fact that I’ve barely blogged all season? You’ve all forgotten?

I didn’t want to leave you.

Or is the awkward panda-perfect hair-tattoo of a graveyard just too much to overcome?

I dream of Jamie.

Hahahah WHAT is that .gif? Forget it, I just changed my vote to Jamie Benn also. Sorry, Neal.

While the Gabe Landeskog v Roman Josi category caused some people real-life conflict…

So, you’re saying not all late-night hookups are classy?

Gabe to Babe lived up to his name and brought in 58% of the votes. How does he feel about fending off a handsome opponent and winning your heart?

This violates campaign laws, right? It must.

With 71% of the votes, Aaron Ekblad beat Tom Wilson. (At the polls, not on the ice. Please don’t fight Tom Wilson.) It was a fascinating battle until you remember 1) they’re both 12 and b) no one likes the Panthers. At least not anyone who can .gif. Someone, please, fill the void of Ekblad gifs in the world.

Now imagine this photo could move.

Lastly – and I saved this for a reason – Carey Price trounced Justin Faulk, winning 77% of the vote. Price beat Mike Green by exactly the same margin in Round One.

Impressive, right?

So, we’re throwing Carey a wrench. When I created this bracket challenge, I spent 0.2 seconds thinking about the Bruins, and the first Bruin that came to mind was Loui Eriksson. I can’t tell you why. But I can tell you what I missed – Patrice Bergeron. Holy Hannah, you people love Bergy. I get it… no, I don’t really. He’s still a Bruin. But democracy being what it is, I am forced to accept a write-in candidate. So….

This is getting very House of Cards

If Bergy had been in Eriksson’s place, he would surely have beaten Justin Faulk. Bergy certainly would have given Price a run for this money in this round. Now that we know Price is through to the Quarterfinal, here’s the wrench:

We’re calling a run-off. One round, only one vote: Bergeron v Price. If Price wins, he stays. If Bergy wins, he replaces Price entirely in the spot he would have rightfully won if Chuck were around to throw dishes and remind me he was missing in the first place.

VOTE HERE: The Run-Off – Bergeron v Price

Okay, now I kind of get it again.

Your mission now is simple. Bergeron or Price? The winner will face Steven Stamkos in the Quarterfinal Round. You’ve had it easy, Carey, but you need your game face now.

I’m here, coach. I’m ready.

Voting in the run-off ends Monday at 12 PM Eastern, in case you’re off social media for the weekend. Like I am always trying to be. Assuming there are people who succeed.

The Penguins have already found the perfect off-ice role for Pascal Dupuis: Team Dad. It would explain a lot about how attractive this team is. I mean, Potash’s Reba McEntire wig didn’t make this:

Is anything more 90’s than spray deodorant?

That’s a lot of fun for a team that can’t win a freaking game.

Actual photo of the NHL team standings

The Sharks, reigning kings of the Holiday Video, know how good they are. This year they’ve made it an event. Five behind-the-scenes videos a la VH1’s Behind the Music – three here, and two more yet to come (today and 12/24).

They are really committed to this – already nearly 8 minutes of content and not a smile cracked on camera. Well, except for mine when I saw Chuck’s #1 Dream Combination come true for a single, still second:

Objection. More 90’s than spray deodorant: Joe Thornton and *N Sync.

There is also a contest to win an appearance in their 2016 video. I love that they’re thinking about next year when we haven’t even see this year’s yet.

That #2 team in the NHL, the Capitals, chose to spoof A Christmas Story, and it’s glorious. [Video] They basically put glasses on everyone who could be improved by them.

Fa-ra-ra-ra-raaaaaah…

And those who couldn’t, well…

Does the Easter Bunny visit Russia?

The Flames went right for the low-hanging fruit: the ugly NHL Christmas sweater. They helpfully feature all five (!) of the Flames ugly sweater designs. (We feel you, Rover.) Chuck’s poor, beloved Dougie Hamilton wins/loses this one – that a lot of yellow even if he weren’t a ginger. Luckily, a cameo by Brandon Bollig’s abs make Christmas the day of giving all over again.

The Senators also broke out the ugly sweaters… sort of. How many hairstyles got made for these little LEGO guys?

Overall, that gets a meh. But the coach should definitely say “Karl” more often. I wasn’t sure he was talking to the only other guy in the scene.

The Canucks went to musical route but, unlike the Habs, left the heavy lifting to other people. Smart move. I may despise The Sound of Music and only understand 20% of the references here, but it’s well done.

And anytime a music video allows hockey players to break the Nick Carter Rule (no freestyle dancing, you dork), we are in.

Speaking of singing and, er, dancing, I’m just going to let the Blues video speak sing for itself.

Stick to what you’re good at, Blues. So, basically this (photo from @BedGear):

Alison printed this out and showed it to Santa.

Many teams that didn’t produce videos found other ways to spread holiday cheer. The Islanders did some toy shopping for delivery to a local hospital. The Blackhawks did a hospital visit, and the Wild too. I stopped counting after that. The Devils don’t have a video, but Adam Henrique still went out in search of another human that shares his affinity for elf culture.

Celebratory cheekbones

Did we miss any? We’d hate for Santa to leave anyone off his list! You know there’s something extra under the tree for anyone who embarrasses themselves for the sake of our entertainment.

Update: From the AHL’s Providence Bruins, here’s Max Talbot and Co. after raiding Henrique’s closet.

Bonus points for the matching tie.

Update #2, from Natalie: Not-team related, but we’ll post because Roman Josi can have our column whenever he wants it. Also, I require an explanation of these pants.

From @rjosi90

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, friends. May your days be merry and bright – and your nights full of your team earning points.

Turn it up.

Is there sugar in syrup?

Now, I can identify about two of the Canadiens by their faces, so I really wish this thing had nameplates. I turned to the team roster to find find the names of my new favorite hockey players.

Dale Weise: Best Jazz Hands

You should see him build a snowman.

Brendan Gallagher: Most Likely to Add “Disney Prince” to his Tinder Profile

He is an assistant captain? He’s eight years old.

Nathan Beaulieu: Best Cross-Promotion of Disney-Owned Property

Debut Single: “A la Peanut Butter Sandwiches (Dance Remix ft. Justin Bieber)”

Jeff Petry: TIE – Most Age-Inappropriate Haircut and Best Liar

He sings “God knows, I tried” without actually trying.

Lars Eller: TIE – Most Likely to Star in Disney on Ice Presents: Frozen and/or Answer to the Name “Sven”

My bad, Sven is the reindeer! He’s cute too. I mean Kristoff, apparently.

Tomas Fleischmann: Most Confused why North Americans Find this Funny

Also could be a Sven.

Mike Condon: Most Likely to Have a Go-To Karaoke Song (That is By Journey)

Hold on to that feeeeelayeeeeyang!

Torrey Mitchell: Most Emotive Performance in 4th Grade Class Play

It’s all in the shoulder sway.

PK Subban: Moment You Realize “Let it Go” is Much Longer Than You Thought

Why is this buried at the 2:55 mark?

Bless all the guys who are into this, but the real star is Carey Price. He looks like he wants to die.

Carey Price: Most Likely to Trade His Voice to Ursula for Legs to Get the Hell Out of Here

Thingamabobs? I got twenty.

It will always bother me that “Let it go” is followed by “I am one with the wind and sky” instead of “wind and snow.” Yes, it rhymes the second line with the fourth, damn you ABAB scheme, but it rings awkwardly in my ear.

Though not as awkwardly as thinking of Elsa but seeing this in my mind:

Just wait till Pirates of the Caribbean karaoke, says Andrei Markov.

Oh what fun that Canadiens are having among the NHL’s top three teams. Happy holidays to all. May Santa put copyright infringement lawsuits in your stockings!

It’s been 131 days since we did a blog post and honestly, it’s all that sloth’s fault. Look how cute he is! Big smile, no thumbs – it’s so hard to type when we’re bursting into Kristen Bell-type tears all day long.

But hockey season is nearly upon us. Sorry sloth, time to get back to work.

And how should we begin? For what did I reset my forgotten password? For this, I say.

Bangs. Scruff. Or something of each sort, Sid-style. Which is more than enough for us.

Right?

Of course right.

These are from Sid’s new CCM commercial for the “Made of Hockey” campaign. See the video on Instagram here. Bonus: voiceover. The sloth doesn’t speak English but he’s purring.

Hmm, maybe it’s a girl sloth.

Tumblr also supplied the breaking news that Sid danced at a wedding:

Photo by unknown heroic person

If there’s something more awkward than Sid dancing, it’s… well, probably every other moment of his life. But we can promise you one thing: the unpictured groom filed a prenup on the day Sid’s RSVP arrived for this wedding. Judging by the photo, that prenup probably wasn’t detailed enough to include the bride’s dress trying to open itself at the back.

[Visit Crosby’s new house: WPXI 11 News]

We are gearing up for the new season, starting by figuring out who the heck is on our teams now. There will also be blogging. I am even going to Canada tomorrow – really, they are letting me in! It’s for work, but a visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame should give me the appropriate kick in the the shorts. I hear there’s a World Cup of Hockey press event… what’s the exchange rate on bail again?

For now, we say this. And that the Penguins will win the Cup this year. (Chuck’s offline for a few days before she can delete that!)

The general reply has been, “Not all Isles fans are like that.” Of course they’re not. Many of my friends are Isles fans, and they’re none of the things these people exhibited Sunday – racist, homophobic, threatening. I rooted for the Caps on Long Island last winter. It’s not the best example: impromptu game = no Caps gear + stomach flu > limited cheering or movement for fear of throwing up on glass/players/TV. But I was in the front row! Even the Isles bench saw me cheering for the Caps! Sorry, John! Still, the Isles fans I met were all friendly and polite – and possibly worried I was contagious.

Maybe no one noticed me down there like a Hobbit.

That doesn’t remedy the awful truth of what happened Sunday. No one should ever have to feel unsafe, bullied or personally demeaned over team colors (or anything, but that’s a rant for another blog). I guarantee each team has a small percentage of belligerent (especially when drunk) fans “cheering” for them. You can’t pick your “family,” right? That doesn’t mean we will do nothing. We’ve seen these people. Maybe sat by them. I hope we do – and going forward, always will – intervene or at least reach out with support to the opposing fans. Because you can pick your friends – and these people look fun. I want to go to a game with them:

Photo from www.drivenbyboredom.com/bsides

It seems the Long Island situation was not properly addressed by arena security, but some Isles fans did their best to help. Good on those people. Especially because the number one person who would not condone poor sportsmanship is Captain Science Pants himself, John Tavares. In November, he personally reached out to a young Isles fan who was bullied in Winnipeg. Shame on fans of any team who don’t follow his example.

I hope the “bad apple” Isles fans in question had horrendous, vengeful hangovers and are crushingly ashamed. I also hope the Caps kick their team’s collective ass in Round 1. Karma! (Again, sorry John.) Either way, I’m anxious to hear if Caps fans attending Game 4 at the Coliseum tonight experience a more welcoming atmosphere generated by all the good Isles fans who don’t want to be painted with that same brush.

I’ve been to NHL games in 13 arenas: Boston, New York Islanders and Rangers, New Jersey, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Raleigh, Atlanta, Chicago, Colorado, San Jose, Los Angeles and Anaheim. People always ask me if I worry about wearing my Pens gear there. I’m not. As popular as the Penguins are, I am rarely alone even in my row or section, and there’s a healthy contingent of black and gold in every rink. But wearing a Crosby jersey means you’re begging to get razzed! Mr. Pants laughs; he thinks I’m waiting for someone to come at me, so I can try the moves I learned from Miss Congeniality. (S.I.N.G., ladies!)

And yet, my experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. I don’t mean chirping or some boos. That should be expected and, when handled well, is all part of the fun. But we should also expect it will stay good-natured and. I hate to think I’ve just been lucky – I prefer to think almost all hockey fans are better than those who threatened the Caps fans Sunday.

Don’t get mad, get on TV. (Photo credit: RMNB)

Instead of aggression, I’ve more often encountered the casual sexism that assumes women know nothing about the game. (Sid, your jersey is still not helping.) Luckily, I am equipped to sass that unsuspecting interloper right back to the bar. And I enjoy it.

Guy at Caps game (pointing to my Crosby jersey): “Wouldn’t you rather have a real man?”
Me (pointing toward the ice): “But Mike Green looks busy.”

I’m also ususally with a small group, or sometimes even by myself.  Going to a hockey game alone is a bit weird, but I honestly don’t mind, even in my away team kit. If it’s the difference between seeing the Pens or not, I’m going. At worst, I pay unparalleled attention to the game. At best, I make friends with the people around me. (If you haven’t guessed, I’ll talk to anyone. I’d talk to a tree.) Someone being rowdy would have to say it right to my face. It’s easier for a drunk or coward to shout anonymously at a group, which makes it all the worse that individuals within the Caps group were targeted Sunday with specific harassment.

As I said, most of my encounters have been great.In Atlanta, a guy on the upper level concourse and gave us his group’s unused tickets eight rows off the ice. Perhaps this is why ATL didn’t make it, but I got to watch a Malkin hat trick up close. Thank you, anonymous man! When the Pens scored in Anaheim and the crowd sang, “Who cares?”, all the Ducks fans behind us pointed down and yelled, “She does!” At a Caps game, I was one of only a few Pens jerseys in the VIP area when this guy walked by:

There was one WTF moment at a Pens vs. Rangers game at the Garden, circa Thanksgiving 2011. I was with a female friend and male cousin, both NYR fans. Some guy still felt the need to tell me he hopes Crosby gets run over by a car in front of his parents, so they have to watch him die. He actually said that out loud. Before I could even formulate a response, the other Rangers fans around us were telling the guy off. They apologized to me. One of them, some girl I didn’t know, even paid for my beer. Rangers fans! And me! Having a drink together! World peace is possible. (Also, the Penguins won.)

The only place I might not wear my Crosby jersey is Philly. Still, jersey or not, there’s no way I keep my mouth shut for three periods. Maybe it’s better to announce my intentions? I bet @DLF1021 and @sunnyinNJ, in their black and orange, make great bodyguards. This lady did okay.

Have you ever experienced a truly bad fan interaction at a game?  I certainly hope not, because we’re all hockey fans. We have a lot in common, and also a lot to lose if/when the teams and League struggle. We should stay “frenemies” whoe love to hate each other until the final buzzer. There are bad people everywhere, but I’d like to think enough of us are cool to drown them out. Hopefully, those are the Isles fans we hear about tonight.

Vrrrroooooommmm!

Tyler recently shot a commercial for Starwood Motors in Dallas. You can watch them here and here but fair warning – they are hella awkward. Name me a single hockey player commerical that isn’t.

–

Apparently Starwood Motors sells kevlar-coated Jeeps.  Yes. Kevlar. As in the same material in bulletproof vests.  As to why anyone not named James Bond would need a bulletproof car is beyond me..but honestly but it’s not really important, now is it?

What is important, though….

Gangsta lean.

If Tyler arrived in this thing to pick us up for a date, at first we might be all…

hmmkay?

But then he’d come out the car all…

Flawless.

On the outside, we’d be all…

–

And on the inside…

–

Because…

Even his ankles are sexy.

(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

It was great from my seat.

America.

I had the squeal-inducing, off-the-wall-bouncing fortune to get a ticket through my work and attend the game with a colleague. You all know the ending – Caps won 3-2 on a goal from Troy Brouwer with 12 seconds left. Let me tell you how it looked from my seat.

I was overdressed, and carrying a bag of hand-warmers. I might wear this outfit when I race the Iditarod.

Which way to the arctic?

Our seats were incredible: club level, front row. This will never happen to me again. But don’t be too jealous – the club level ran out of food in the second intermission. I just wanted to give Nats Park my money in exchange for calories and they did nothing. Thank God I didn’t have a hangover.

My seats were better than Kathryn Tappen’s.

Billy Idol sounded great. He looked like he’s been frozen since ’88, outfit and all. Not really sure why he was the opening act, but of all the non-A-list randos the NHL could have secured, this was a very solid choice.

Not my photo. Nor did he sing “Mony Mony.”

The National Anthem was spectacular. I believe I saw Caleb and Bob, the Caps regular singers, front and center in the Armed Forces band, yes? They didn’t have a great angle on the Jumbotron and we were busy marveling at that flag – and the fighter jets.

America.

The sun glare was real, and we could file a class action suit for premature eye wrinkles against whoever put this game at 1 PM. When the teams switched sides at 10 mins of the first period, Holtby went from the shade… right back into the shade on the other side. Thanks, Billy Idol, for taking just enough time.

42,000+ is a lot of people. A lot of red was rocked, for both teams. Everyone got a free seat cushion, because GEICO is the official sponsor of my butt.

We did not do the wave.

Among those 42,000+ people, only one made this:

Nightmare on Every Street

My colleague pointed to a man on the field, with a microphone, and asked who he was because she’d seen him “holding court” in the press box. It was Roenick, of course. How to explain JR to someone?

The Caps opened a lead. They took some dumb penalties. Patrick Sharp scored in the blink of a eye. Matt Niskanen had a rough third period. But we Unleashed the Fury and Troy Brouwer saved the day. I was so excited I took an accidental celebration selfie that was supposed to be a picture of the game.

Candid Camera

Afterward, everyone launched their unused fireworks from the night before.

Boom.

I hadn’t eaten in hours and wished they would launch hot dogs into the air instead.  But fireworks are cool, especially when they are for winning!

Clap.

It was a stellar day. That said, is it something I’d do again? For cheap/free, yes. The spectacle mirrors how I feel about hockey (big, loud, fireworks), but in the end even a great game is still just a regular season game. For fun, the Winter Classic is it. For heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, feel-it-in-your-guy hockey, save your money for a playoff game.  They’d never run out of food.

I sometimes wonder what percentage of our population could identify Wayne Gretzky, forget Gordie Howe or Crosby or Intern Jeff Skinner.  It would be a killer round on “Celebrity Name Game,” after so few of my countrymen recognize Bill Gates but everybody knows Jared from Subway.

Imagine my excited double take when I saw this Gatorade ad (over the summer) featuring our favorite meerkat, Patrick Kane.

I may have fist-pumped in the gym.  Patrick Kane on TV with Bryce Harper?  With Dwyane Wade, from basketball, who is not Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World?” And that football guy I don’t know, but he’s in a lot of commercials so he’s probably a Kardashian?!  I thought, “Go Kaner!” and “Yes, his hair looks pretty good in this.”

Can’t be looking a mess when you finally make your break.

** I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU THE GREATEST THING EVER. **

I want you to join the US Dance Team.

Go here: Gatorade Kane Locker Tour. Click the headphones.  Click everything, and between everything click the headphones again.  How on Earth has this existed since July and we’ve never seen it?

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Recently,  another beloved tradition returned – McDonald’s Monopoly.  It’s the quintessential learning tool for American kids: throwaway money, shiny cars and that one time you went to jail but it wasn’t a big deal.  On Sunday, Mr. Pants and I hit the drive-thru. Only his soda cup had Monopoly pieces, and he didn’t notice.  I didn’t really care.  Then five hours later, at home, the Monopoly commercial came on.

Mr. Pants, looking around as if we keep old cups on the table: “It’s Monopoly time?”

Me, running toward kitchen, “YOU CAN WIN PATRICK KANE??”

Lebron, yes,  But a race car driver? America loves race car drivers!

Let me tell you, I went into the garbage.  I didn’t even hear what the Kaner-related prize was but I flung aside hours of moving debris just in case this was my chance to strike it Patrick.  I didn’t dig through trash to win money or Beats by Dre headphones or whatever, only for Patrick Kane.

This was just the change in my pocket.

Turns out the prize is – I still don’t know. Hawks tickets probably. That’s worth a dumpster dive. Our cup yielded nothing, not even a free soda in another cup with which to continue this cycle. The truth is: you never win, unless you actually are Patrick Kane.  Multiple Stanley Cups and most valuable-type trophies?  Side prizes.  He is standings next to wheelbarrow full of cash on the Monopoly board while it rains McChickens, all broadcast on TV.  That, folks, is the American Dream.

Do these skates make me look short?

His hair doesn’t look as good in this ad, though.

It  will be a year, almost to the day the 2014-15 NHL season starts, since my job scenario changed and I have been increasingly overwhelmed at work.  We’re way past busy, and have visited manic on the way to meltdown.  Recently.  (See: this past Monday.)

It’s either carbs or crime.

I don’t remember where I found the time to watch hockey last season, let along blog about it, but that’s the clear reason why I bailed on the playoffs the minute my team was out.  Summer was no better: if it happened since May and didn’t involve an ice bucket, I probably missed it.

When someone comes into my office at lunch.

Well, that’s over.  I’m giving you two weeks to clean out your office.  Transfer your responsibilities elsewhere, Life, because on October 8, hockey is in charge.

Do the Scissor Leg.

Priorities will change.  I can’t just catch highlights or read the all-text, when-will-you-learn-we-need-photos NHL news posts.  It’s not enough to see Tumblr memes and injury selfies on Instagram.  One night off and I could be swept away by HTP (Hockey Twitter Panic) like Dorothy in a tornado.

Neville, you are no help!

Any day now, Crosby’s going to test his tiny pockets again.  Steven Stamkos will prove his unbrokeness by leaping a tall building in a single bound.  Who will document these things?  John Tavares doesn’t just wake up and forgo pleated khakis for nothing, you know.  If a healthy scratch wears a plaid in the press box and no one posts it, does it still make a sound?

We are weeks (at best, months) away from the season’s first misogynistic story suggesting 10 moronic questions girls can ask their would-be boyfriends while pretending to care about hockey.  Who will lambast these writers?  Or worse, who will let these girls go through with such an insulting and terrible plan?  Cosmopolitan will do a hatchet list of Hockey’s Hottest Players, compiled from Wikipedia searches and MySpace profile photos.  We cannot sit idly by while such offenses go unpunished.

Sometimes you have to.

There are Fridays to Foxy.  Mike Green could do something that calls for a Monday.  Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin might dress as each other for Halloween.  James Neal could hold his shit together in Nashville.  Orange might be Michael Del Zotto’s color.  Jonathan Toews could be wearing those wakeboarding Spanx under any outfit at any time.  I could run into Matt Niskanenen at lunch!  The Puppy Bowl Oilers may even win a few games and WUYS must be ready.

Next stop: Verizon Center!

So, Life, the clock is ticking.  Two weeks from now, I am going back to hockey and fun and my friends.  And nachos.  You’re going to have to figure out how to work around us.

Love,
Pants

(Co-signed by my life coach.)

Some gifts (and gifs) just keep on giving.  Happy Birthday, Chuck!

(Thanks to everyone who sent us these gifs. This edit is by glovehand.tumblr.com.)

The NHL Awards are tonight – on a Tuesday.  Let that sink in… Tuesday.  Rock and roll.  We’ll take it, of course, desperate and starved as we are.  But not to overload Tuesday, hockey festivities began yesterday in two cities.

In Vancouver, Hockey Canada hosted an Olympic Gala and distributed rings.  Sid was there, opting for a brown t-shirt because he saw how excited we all got about mint green the other day.  Of course he was with Matt Duchene, who is turning turning into a country singer before our eyes.  (No complaints.)  PK puts everyone’s wardrobe to shame with zero effort.

Especially Dan Hamhuis.  That color combination is so bad you can feel Pietrangelo and Weber begging for help as they stare into the camera.  Jame Benn (Short hair, don’t care!) had to look away.

The next photo comes in two versions.

#1: THE CHUCK – Bergy and Nash being cool, hanging in the back, looking all cheekbones about it.

Chuck’s reaction:

#2: THE PANTS – Front and center but you probably missed it on first glance…

Live shot of me:

Tavares in a t-shirt, ace jeans and a backwards ball cap?  Casual Monday-slash-I am dead.  Just don’t let this be the end of pleated khakis, polos and belts, John.  Don’t get too cool on me now.

Not to be forgotten, Sid’s shirt is okay too.

And then, his suit.

I swear he owns two suits and five shirts.  When future generations of WUYS readers use the internet built into their brains to crack open the Crosby photo file, they won’t be able to tell one year from another.  His whole career is “circa navy suit.”

Last night culminated in the Hockey Canada Gala.  PK did that thing again with his wardrobe and Carey Price loved his beard as much as we do.

There’s John, almost appearing again.  I don’t see a single photo of him in what I presume was a suit… not one.  Who goes an entire pride-of-the-nation event wearing a shiny new Olympic ring and does not get photographed a single time?  John Tavares, folks.

Meanwhile in Vegas…

At NHL Awards 2014, media availability, Tazer discussed contract extensions, his lifelong commitment to Patrick Kane and he even almost smiled one time [video].

Maybe he was thinking about his pink shorts.

Giroux was there too – I tell ya, this guy could make a girl forget she hates the Flyer.  Whew.  So much so that I didn’t look at the video title and see SCOTT HARTNELL WAS TRADED [video].  Nine hours elapsed before I found this out!  If that’s not the truest sign of summer, take back my margarita.

It figures that Hartnell was only traded as far as Columbus, after the time they gave the Pens these past playoffs.  Why can’t people get traded to the KHL?  At least it was a swap for RJ Umberger (what I say when I think about calories for two seconds then order what I want anyway) and not Dubinsky.  That would be from bad to worse.

Claude also discussed his Hart nomination [video], which I hope he loses.

Ovi spent the week in Vegas posting drunken Instagrams, then spoke about the Caps new coach [video].  I wonder how much of the second thing had to do with so much of the first. Of course I screen capped a rather smug moment.

The NHL Awards broadcast tonight at 7 PM.  I am debating watching in real time or waiting until fast forward becomes an option.  My “I can’t watch The Office, it’s too awkward!”-phobia is at DEFCON ONE during these shows.  Either way, if I survive I will post tomorrow.  With some actual hockey content.

Ginger Defense League

GAME SEVENS FOR ALL OUR TEAMS!  We’re supposed to love it, right?  This is what sports are all about?

Classy ladies

YES. PUNCHING.  I will see you guys tonight.  For additional inspiration, enjoy this video – and Sid’s beard, which I really do love this year.

I’ll be over here practicing for later.

When I fall asleep while Roenick or Milbury is on TV.

Canadiens take series lead over Bruins 2-1

I watched the first period of this game – long enough to see PK Subban get a minor for “roughing” Rielly Smith.  It should have been 1 minute for roughing Smith + 1 minute for roughing Thomas Vanek.  Or 2 minutes for missing.

So many butt-related jokes.

Then he scored on a breakaway coming out of the penalty box.  So perhaps he meant to miss his check, get the minor and end up in the right place at the right time?  Sounds legit.

The Bruins came roaring back, as they are wont to do, but it was too late.  3-2 until the last moment when Lars Eller made it 4-2.  My favorite stat about this game is Shawn Thornton had five hits in 7:42 of ice time.

Unrelated photo of Bergy to make Chuck feel better.

Wild score 4G on 8 shots in the third; trail Blackhawks in series 2-1

Someone who watched this game should write the recap because it sounds bonkers.  Chicago had just 19 shots in the game, Minnesota only 18.  That’s not unusual for the Wild, who ranked 29th in shots-for during the regular season.  (“Shots for” = favorite hockey stat name.)  But last night, eight of the Wild’s shots came in the 3rd and they scored four goals.  On eight shots.  One was an EN, but still!  They had 32 shots/2G in Game 1 and 19 shots/1G in Game 2.  This breakout had to feel great and restore serious confidence.

We share in your surprise.

Or not, because it’s the Blachawks.

Unrelated Kaner smile no one can resist.

Penguins/Rangers Game 4 is the only show tonight.  You can find me on the floor in front of my TV with plenty of chicken mushroom farro risotto, watching the beards.

Goals make your beards grow faster.

Canadiens: 4; Lightning: 3 [Habs win series 4-0]

It looked like OT until Max Pacioretty, who I still have trouble remembering is American, scored his first ever playoff goal with 43 seconds left in the third.

And the crowd goes wild.  Literally.  I don’t care for/about the Habs but a moment like that melts my heart.  Much has been made of the Habs being the only Canadian team in the post-season, and they haven’t advanced past the first round since 2010. They become 2014’s first playoff bracket move:

Farewell to the Bolts, whose beards we will not get to enjoy.  We’ll give Stamkos a week to mope then we expect daily Gary Roberts workout videos.

You’re welcome.

So Lightning fans, who will you root for now?

Bruins: 3; Detroit: 0 [Bruins lead series 2-1]

The Canadiens will await the winner of this series, which is getting fiesty slimy.  In the grand Detroit tradition of throwing octopi on the ice, a fan tossed one during the anthem.  Chances are it wasn’t Justin Verlander because it came up short, sliding gently into Tuukka Rask’s skate like it was afraid of becoming sushi.  Tuukka gave it a well-deserved look of disgust and proceeded to beat the Red Wings in reply.

Gif by Twitter/@PeteBlackburn

Brad Marchand barely dodged a potentially terrible knee-on-knee hit from Brendan Smith – then went down and grabbed the wrong leg.  I have to mention it, you know that about me.  Video/Gif/weaksauce explanation at CBS Sports.  Better examination on Days of Y’Orr, including a Marchand gif that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

Rangers: 4; Flyers: 1 [NYR lead series 2-1]

This game can be summed up in two images:

I’m still rooting for everyone to lose but even I had a little bit of fun at the end there.

Sharks: 4; Kings: 3 [Sharks lead series 3-0]

It took OT and by far the Kings’ best result in this series, but in the end it was still the Sharks and their weird beard dreams taking a chokehold lead on this series.  BU’s Matt Nieto scored his first playoff goal last night – yay for days!  The Kings will try to stay alive Thursday night.

HNIC Bio: Matt Nieto

Read this adorable Hertl/Nieto rookie BFF story from the SJ Mercury News.  They better have those Minions in the locker room.

For tonight…

Pens and Blue Jackets are up first thing evening, as if anyone has recovered from Saturday night.  The Stars and Ducks are on early (8PM ET), so you can see Jamie Benn’s face/Jordie Benn’s beard and if they’re able to even that series.  The Blackhawks will try to take two of two at home from St. Louis in the not-quite-so late game (9:30 PM ET).

These little recaps are really helping make sure I have at least looked at every playoff game.  That said, they are 3-minute looks.  If I miss something good, let me know!  I can’t be everywhere and Mr. Pants is already really tired of the playoffs.

Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

The Tyler Seguin/Michael Del Zotto bromance that began Instagram-tastically with this:

Has continued both online:

And in real life:

The Predators had a three day break, and what better way to spend it than arriving early in Dallas for the NCAA Championship Game?

Let me be clear: I would not watch basketball if you paid me.  But I would watch it with these guys.

Tonight, you can be a part of Tyler & Michael’s Date Night as the Preds face the Stars at 8:30 PM ET.  Dallas is fighting for the last wild card spot in the west – they need to win tonight.  Will Tyler stay with Jamie?  Or leave him for DZ?  Drama.

Since it’s what Chuck would want, let’s assume the season that began with Tyler wearing a cowboy hat on my birthday [video] will live on into playoffs.

Tyler has a career-high and team-leading 36G and 46A for 82 points this season. The The Bruins are far from hurting without him, but he has rebounded nicely after being shipped off to Dallas.  We’ll see how far Texas can take him this year.

When summer comes for Seguin, that’s not such a bad thing either.

DZ’s pool hair… I can’t. [source]

And after summer, there is always next season.

Foxy Friday: Chris Evans

Now, I can’t tell you if Chris Evans cares about hockey.  I can tell you he owns this hat:

And this hat:

Combine these facts with last year’s first-round, Game 7 Maple Leafs implosion-slash-Bruins comeback, and I’d like to think Chris Evans feels NHL playoff stress the way we do.  The dead-on-the-floor, furniture-kicking, eat-your-feelings wave of emotion that waits for us just twelve days from now.

Well, maybe he doesn’t eat his feelings.

Chris is from Boston, so I would guess any real hockey loyalties lie with the Bruins.  (Oh look, there he goes dropping down my list.)   When time machines are finally invented, here’s the exact moment where you can find Chuck:

But just 3 weeks ago Chris was rocking the Leafs logo again.

That’s not exactly American, Cap – and believe me, when you pick Canada over the US people really let you hear about it.

Based on nothing but three photos and the fact I make the rules around here, I’m going to say Chris loves hockey.  Right now, he’s as anxious as anyone (whose movie is about to have an $80+million opening weekend).   One of his teams is a playoff lock, the other clinging to hope.  He watched last night’s Boston/Toronto OT game from the edge of his seat, hoping his beloved Bruins would lose because the Leafs need points.

Seat? Is that a seat? Is there a couch in this photo?

How about this – anyone see a seat?

Oh hey, found one.

He’s also afraid – if the Leafs make it, they’ll likely face the Bruins in Round 1.  It’s a fresh hell, a quick drop into last year’s nightmare.  But he’s willing to go there for his team(s) and knows which one he hopes will ultimately come out on top.

Chris is ready for the post-season: he’s steeled himself emotionally against this cruel world while perfecting a spectacular playoff beard:

And if you want to spend 2 1/2 hours with Chris this weekend, you can – before or after the game at your local movie theater.

(Don’t bother looking in DC, I already double-checked this spot.)

Disclaimer: I loved – LOVED – Captain America: The Winter Solider.  Right behind The Avengers as my favorite Marvel movie.  Did you know Captain America has a female counterpart in later Marvel lore called American Dream whose real name is Shannon?  Obviously.  I bet she and Cap watch a lot of hockey.