Cat got your caption?

You better believe I thought I’d shuffled off this mortal coil, right there in front of the bulk lentils.  I wondered how, in the distant future, when my husband met me in the afterlife I would explain that picture of Jonathan Toews that had done me in all those decades ago.

Alas, this is real.  Congratulations to us – no way we earned it, but we accept.

My thoughts, in order, as the Jonathan Toews ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video came into my life:

ShutupohmyGod.
This is because of that time I said Kane had become more attractive, isn’t it?

All

I didn’t mean that.
Really, it was crazy talk.

about

What kind of shorts are those?
Is he just surfing now?  How long can momentum last?  Oh the boat’s slowing down. This should be a science program.

that

Jon use to be boring and serious.  Now look.  Can we expect this from John Tavares in the future and exactly when will this occur because the calibrations on my time machine must be exact.
He’s got tan lines for these shorts.  He’s been wearing them all summer.

bass

I wish this were in hi-res.  Probably better it’s not though.  I’m barely over Benedict Cumberbatch’s “Ice Bucket in the Shower” video.
Am I still in the supermarket?  All these people are looking at me.  It’s only been 45 seconds.  They must think I’m comparing all these beans.

’bout that base

Is it over?  Don’t be over.
No, you keep the bucket.

no

One last shot.  The Blackhawks were right with Jon’s contract: he’s a 10.5

treble.

Wow.  I finally figured out what to tell my husband when we meet at the Pearly Gates. Remember when Rant Sports ranked 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat?

Toews is #1.  Told ya so.

Reminder: If you can, please donate to ALS research at www.alsa.org.  This campaign has raised a huge amount of money, but it’s important to remember that it’s not just about wakeboarding and hot pants.  Real people are benefiting from all this attention.

Chuck is on vacation and I am not using my chance to revel in her absence during the Finals!  Mwhahahahaha.

GO HAWKS.

Have Toews doing Squats.  It’s on tonight.

PS: When you go away for a while, offseason pictures of your favorite funemployed hockey players really pile up.  Tomorrow, tomorrow, you’ll love me tomorrow.

It’s July.  Work with us on the “news” here.

It’s for a good charitable cause too –  not just an excuse to dust of the old “Toews Does Squats” category.

Okay, it’s arguably not a squat.  But who says Captain Wonder Bread is not fun?  What are you looking at, Jon?  Can you really see better now?  This is so gratuitous it’s practically a Magic Mike dance move – forget quiet golf-clapping.  We brought US Dollars (none of that coin currency nonsense).

Someone filmed this and lived to upload it.  Or maybe it shared itself like the video from The Ring and now that you’ve seen it…

Jonathan was also nice enough to ruin the expectations of these two little girls before they even had a chance to like normal boys:

A lot of stories are reporting that Tazer is calling and texting players as part of the Hawks trade and recruitment strategy for the off-season.  Don’t all captains do this?  It didn’t work on Parise, but might work on Shane Doan [link].

Also, we get unlimited text messaging.  Just saying.

Enjoy the part at 3:12 where Jon actually cheats.  At a sport.  While laughing.  See?  Sense of humor!

(This one is for Amanda, Lindsay, Jess and Alison.  By the power of Twitter.)

Blackhawks Fitness Testing Video [link]

Blackhawks Stretching & Weights Routine[link]

Of course JT isn’t the only one working hard.  Hammer can be my Field Day partner – check out that one-legged long jump distance.  Duncan Keith’s quad is the size of my waist:

Seabrook’s hair is a World Wonder:

And Kaner owns this balance measure… he once used it as a sobriety test.

We see you, lady at the table. Eyes on his feet!

The Hawks kick off the season tonight in Dallas.  The game is on NHL Center Ice, so if you want to come over just bring pizza.

As Foxy Friday alum and Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the Derp, Jonathan Toews is a favorite around here (well, not of Dawn’s).  He’s the straight-man to Patrick Kane’s wild card in one of our favorite bromances on record.  Sometimes he’s even fun.

Toews had THE YEAR last year.  There’s no way to top the Gold Medal, Stanley Cup, Conn Smythe and a party that lasted all summer.  This year he probably played harder and fought harder than ever before.  We were all sad when it didn’t work out.  But he showed a depth of strength that made the C on his jersey glow like a superhero’s insignia.

Have a great summer, Jon.  Maybe not as great as last summer, but one lake named after you is enough.  Relax.  Make a creepy TV commercial.  Learn the Kaner shuffle.  Do some squats.  Spend time in the sun because when winter comes back to Chicago we know you’re coming with it.

And remember, no matter what, there is always this:

Happy birthday, Tazer!

Dawn and I were talking yesterday about these photos.  You can get copies for your office and home in the November issue of Men’s Health.

Pants: OMG. O.M.G.

Dawn: He kinda has a fro in this picture.

Pants: You were looking at his hair?!

You can read the whole article here.  It features various athletes, their training regimens and the question “Are You Fit?”  If you’re British and use ‘fit’ to mean ‘foxy,’ then Tazer gets a double yes.

Toews prepares for this demolition derby with full-body exercises that challenge his balance and focus on strength (deadlifts and pushups), explosiveness (box jumps and skater hops), and endurance (lunges and squats). “My training won’t necessarily make me look more muscular,” he says, “but it means I can control my body better than anyone else on the ice. In the end that’s what matters.”

I would like to applaud the universe for giving us this in the same month that Ovi is featured in GQ, coming off like the greasy villain in a Bond movie.  Stay classy, Chicago. Completing the serendipity of a multi-post day for the Hawks, I’m wearing this at work:

#1: Jonathan Toews – Winner winner, chicken dinner.  I love JT so much he should just join the damned Penguins already.  Oh, to have been in the meeting where someone said “Toews” and “squats” in the same sentence.  That sound you hear is my dead body hitting the floor.

#2: Ryan Miller – Miller Time!  He makes me want to sing the National Anthem.  The idea of this drill makes my left hand hurt, and I’m pretty sure this is my old neighborhood in Queens.  Bonus points for excellent hair.

#3: Sidney Crosby – Could have been better.  And by ‘better’ I mean ‘lower.’  Still, he is so impressive you don’t need to see anything but his sneakers and his face.

#4: Ovi – This one’s for Dawn.  I can’t rank him above Sid (ever) and I think he could have been wearing a tank top.  Right?  But the man is a beast.  I feel like this rope workout is a favorite Russian pastime.

#5: Mike Cammalleri – I don’t like you.  Stay in this parking lot all season and don’t bother us.  I would have picked someone else for this slot – think of what we’re missing!  Shawn Thornton, Jarome Iginla, hell even a Flyer (but not Pronger).  Eh, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad.