Vote in the Bardown Bracket HERE.

Until I tried it. And the problems began.

• Josi vs Gabe the Babe in the first round?! Can I just win the loser and go home happy?
• I don’t know 60% of the Pacific Division contenders. They play hockey past my bedtime.
• Tyler Seguin vs. Patrick Sharp? Like, you’re teammates on the train to the Capital, but once you hit the arena, it’s every handsome man for himself? I hope they refuse at the end and hold hands.
• Paul Martin made the bracket? Hey San Jose!
• Sidney Crosby vs. Jared Boll. Prince Charming vs. the Wicked Queen’s eyebrows.
• And then it was over. NO STAMKOS? NO TAVARES? What kind of rigged crap is this?

Much love for Uncle Joe.

So, I created a real, better bracket for us. With the help of everyone on Twitter during the Pens/Caps game last night, we present to you…

WUYS NHL Man Madness 2016

Now, it’s not perfect. I had to pick someone from every team, which meant only a few teams could send multiple handsome faces. Many competed, few made the bracket. I divided East vs West and used a random generator to seed the players.  The rest, as they say, is up to you.

VOTE HERE: WUYS NHL Man Madness 2016 Bracket Challenge (You don’t have to enter your email. Just hit Begin.)

UPDATE: If you voted before 10PM EST on Sunday night, I forgot to include Jamie Benn vs. Jordan Eberle. Probably because that’s like choosing cake or a different cake. I mean, how can you want just one? You can try here, in Oops, Jamie Benn vs Jordan Eberle.

You have until Wednesday night to vote, and we’ll move into the Semifinals on Thursday!

You jump, I… stay on this door and survive.

Jonathan Toews joined Twitter.

If you use “eh” in a sentence, you are exempt from all grammar rules.

I spent my drive to work trying to come up with a joke about how now, we all have to pronounce the “w” in Twitter as a “v”, like in Toews. I didn’t quite get there.

Most Canadian cover photo ever.

So far, Jon has made fun of Andrew Shaw (check), apologized for a loss (check) and – I swear you can’t make this up – used “jk.” He is basically us at age 14, only Andrew Shaw was (probably) not born yet.

The only capital letter Toews cares about is the C on his sweater.

Remember when Jonathan Toews was no fun? Like, at all? He even went as Grumpy for Halloween… which was ironic, because referencing his grumpiness was one of the first steps toward casting it off. If it were 2012, we would hardly recognize this guy.

Part-time model profile pic

In related news, everyone loves Jonathan Toews. More than ever. [Second City Hockey, Sun Times, Bar Down]

And remember, we are communication professionals. Will work for hockey.

Pro tip.

The other important thing for future reference (and Chromecasting onto a big screen):

The Penguins played horseshoes. #shirtsoptional

All the feels. Thanks for joining us on the Carolina/Florida trip, Dads!https://t.co/Fi6Dt3GYBb

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) February 22, 2016

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking at my phone while walking. But honestly, Pittsburgh, warn a girl! I may have veered wildly across a sidewalk during DC rush hour upon seeing this grace my screen. The video loaded. Wifi buffered. Particle beams shot through space and a satellite fell from the sky but still I COULD NOT WATCH IT.

So I went into the nearby hotel lobby and calmly stole the password from their reception desk.

Julia informs me this is Brian Dumolin. My eyes were seared by Sid’s paleness.

I have a new appreciation for horseshoes. Previously a game I’ve only seen played by small cousins and large rednecks, it suddenly seems a pursuit worth dedicating my life to. On this beach, with the lovely crystal waves crashing.

And maybe even one day, a tan.

If this whole hockey thing doesn’t work out for the Pens, they could always open an off-season Club Med.

Flowers love the sun.

Pittsburgh, currently holding the last Wild Card spot in the East, plays at Boston tomorrow night on NBCSN. The Hawks, who are first in the West, host Nashville on Thursday night on the same network. Two nights of Roenick and Milbury… might almost be worth it for all this.

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

Canada: Using Democracy for Real Things!

The result probably surprised no one except Evander Kane, who retaliated with a sweatpants-based protest, subsequent injury and trade. There’s only room for one “Hottest Jet,” honey:

Foxy Friday: Ondrej Pavelec

You’d rock this vote.

(Thanks for @Kailz_H for the suggestion! Twitter won’t let me scroll back to last Thursday, which is a nice way of telling us we talk too much.)

Now, if I said “Ondrej Pavelec,” most people would say “Bless you.” Some hockey fans might say, “That goalie who fainted?” That is true – Pavelec fainted in-game against Washington back in 2010, while playing for the Thrashers. He suffered a concussion upon hitting the ice, but it was diagnosed as a fainting spell, and not career-threatening. The story goes he woke up in the hospital and asked about the score (Atlanta won).

If you think he looks a bit like #TeamEbs, I say you’re right. He bears a more-than-passing though less-than-gapped resemblance to another blue-eye Western Conference Foxy Friday selection.

Though I doubt Ebs could pull off this Eurohipster disguise:

What’s that about a beard? Oh, you said, “YES?”

Or were you referring to this hat?

Ondrek is Czech, from the same region (Kladno District) as Michael Frolik, Jaromir Jagr, Tomas Plekanec, Jiri Sekac, Jiri Tlusty, and Jakub Voracek.  Not bad for an area roughly 275 square miles.  They are all best friends and they love each other and do sports.

Note the plaid shorts, a worldwide phenomenon.  While jeans like this are only available in Europe and Russia through The Ovechkin Collection:

This is about our limit for distressing on “These old thing?” brand new designer jeans.

Pavelec has played 324 NHL games over 7+ seasons. His current  2.60 GAA is a career best, though his top yeAdd Mediaar was ’11-’12, in which he won 29 games. The Jets are currently 4th in the tough Central Division with 73 points, and would be Wild Card spot #1 if the playoffs began today. (Warning: Stats from Thursday, because Friday has a ‘no math’ policy.)

Ondrej is in the third year of a five-year/$19.5 mill contract that leaves him UFA in 2017.

My favorite thing about the Winnipeg Jets website is that you can misspell Pavelec as Pavalec and still get 40 photo results. It’s nice to know mine are not the only fat fingers in the business.

The Jets have a program called Reading Takes Flight where players visit schools and read them a children’s book about the Jets. Here’s the full photo gallery, feel free to stop when you get teary-eyed.

Ondrej has been on a lot of Czech talk shows, which you can find on youTube. You won’t know what they’re saying, but hey, Foxy Friday isn’t really about that.  Here’s an interview from before this season began, featuring English and our beloved beard-plus-hoodie combination:

Since he knows we love part time models, Ondrej starred in possibly the oddest (and longest) hockey player TV ad I’ve ever seen. The sign says “Hi, my name is Ondrej Pavelec,” but that is false. You might be Pavelec’s belt buckle, though I am pretty sure you are not Ondrej at all. If you had his face, you’d use it.

Ondrej does not have a Twitter, so you’ll have to go to a game and ask him out with a sign like the old days. In the meantime, you can follow his goalie pads (they lead a full life) at @pavelecspads.

Happy Friday!

While I suffer through this historic Boston winter, I got a little something to warm me (and you) up.

(full disclosure: I am writing this post after a copious amount of sake. I am not responsible for my actions. #BuzzedBloggin)

Foxy Friday: Tristan Harper

Remember that movie Weird Science?  Well if Pants and I starred in the Hollywood remake, this might be the perfect boy we’d create.

HE HAS A GINGERBEARD FOR PETE’S SAKE!!!!

Tristan Harper is a hockey player for the Braehead Clan in Glasgow, Scotland of the EIHL. I didn’t even know they played hockey in Scotland.

But I do now.

I’ve been to Scotland.  Had I know they had men like this that also played hockey – I never would have come back.  I would have sold everything I own, purchased a Scottish hockey club (and a sheepdog), and live happily ever after.

My morning meetings would consist of tea and jammie dodgers and player development meetings would be beard grooming lessons and highland games.

Wonder of what’s under that kilt…

He’s a NHL-worth 6’2″, with a beard that proves that a well-groomed can increase a man’s hotness power ranking exponentially.

His beard – it’s impeccable.  Never did I imagine that a beard would exists that could compete with the best but it seems that Zetterbeard may have some serious competition for my pogonophilic admiration.

Wanna stroke it like a cat.

Oh and his name is Tristan.  You remember the first time that you fell in love with a Tristan?

I do.

Howdy. (from bellecs.tumblr.com)

While my new love isn’t exactly tearing it up in the points department (6 pts in 45 games), he does have 62 PIM and his team is in 1st play in the league, so he’s got that going for him.

Also going for him – this.

And this…

#NerdLikeUs

Oh and let’s not forget this…

Scottish boyfriend sweaters are just as hot as the Canadian ones.

You can follow Tristan at @harpoon26 and check him out on Instagram.

I will warn you though – his IG feed does cause side effects – heart palpitations, swooning and/or fainting, dizziness, lightheadedness, the “feels”, the “schwings”, ovarian aches, or Lady Gaga YAAAASSSSSing.  Verklepmtion lasting longer than four hours required immediate medical attention.

And if you didn’t think beards make any guy hotter, check this.

Boom. Instahottie.

(Thanks to the multiple people who brought this man to my attention.  You know my type and you are true gems of humanity.)

Which is the only thing on Earth he isn’t good at.

This is a guy who scored his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot during his first NHL shift in his first NHL game. Remember when he got so mad at the All-Star Skills Competition because he didn’t hear the cue to start? This look on his face is TrueToews, the one he keeps locked away since Captain Serious changed his costume. There is also a puppy, in case any of me survived.

This comes hot on the tail of Tazer’s vitally important in-arena message: don’t get up to pee during the game. HOLD IT, PEOPLE! (Everyone looks at me, doing the pee pee dance in my seat.) That glorious contribution can be seen here.

BlackhawksTV, still the best.

Smile, there are girls watching.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.  Check out video of Crosby & friends surprising the Little Penguins hockey camp yesterday.

You can tell Flower has a kid, because he is not afraid to pick them up and spin them around and tackle them. The rest of this is like a Meeting of the Future Hot Dads of Western Pennsylvania:

It’s an omelet!

Sorry, wrong picture.

Then I surprised her with flowers and…

Yeah, that one. As usual, the kids are having fun, but the guys are having even more.

Do they make those socks in long?

Does this make you want to have kids? I showed it to my mom, who gave me “Disappointed Parent Re: Failure to Procreate Face”, then pronounced MAF her favorite Penguin. He has not let her down.

Go forward, tiny human.

The Little Penguins program, which Crosby sponsors, outfits kids with head-to-toe gear and they participate in camps. There are even some girls-only camps, because girls rule.

Video: Crosby at Little Pens practice in 2013

It’s not nice to make fun of people, unless they’re Borts. That’s okay.

Here’s a story on it from USA Today, plus a few shots on Penguins’ Instagram and Snapchat, if you know how to use that. Maybe these kids could teach me after hockey practice.

This game is called “What’s Wrong With Our Power Play!”

We here at WUYS hold a few truths to be self-evident:

1) Cabbie for President – of a made-up country we start because he can’t actually be our President, as a Canadian. This is in the fine print somewhere.

2) The Dallas Stars want to be your favorite team.

3) Tyler Seguin is an excellent liar. We assume he only uses this when necessary, but that boy could sell you a bridge.

4) Jamie Benn, not so much.

5) And finally, moms are the best. Every one, every time.

Feel free to cut the end off this video, play it for your own parents and announce, “Meet my fiance!”

But you haven’t actually met him, so…

Thank you to @charlieryan58 for sending this!

Enjoy a throwback Valentine: Cabbie and the Oilers PUPPIES with Actual Puppies

Tyler Seguin and Jordie Benn made a Super Bowl bet: if Seattle lost, Tyler would have Jordie’s megabeard. If New England lost, Jordie would shave Tyler’s head.

What do we have to say? Thank you, Tom Brady. Thank you, Julian Edelman. Thank you, Katy Perry, for even your low-vocaled halftime show and that time you wore the Holocaust cloak from The Princess Bride had some hand in this.

Usually, we’s say “Not the face!” – but this time, okay.

Benn had been working on that beard for a year, and as much as we’ll miss it, he could easily grow it back by next Thursday.

Should have trimmed it first. Everyone knows that.

Tyler’s hair, on the other hand… don’t mess.

Hey girl/guy/kid/fan/lense/plate of macaroni & cheese. You busy later?

In other proof that the boys take their football seriously, Tyler Tweeted this:

Suede dude booties off when watching football.

And while you may be willing to overlook a missing apostrophe or two, Jamie knows the best way to get revenge is by sitting near someone cuter on occasion.  Maybe he’s taking applications.

Bonus: the Gnome never eats his pretzels.

Firing squad awaits the cannon

Thanks to the players who really came to play – not play like they do in competition every day, but the fun kind where the fans get to play along.  Specifically, thank you because:

You looked great.

You should see my shoes.

Really great.

No, they’re my shoes.

Like “This Foxy Friday will be used against you in a court of law” great.

18 and counting

You made new friends.

No one can resist the plaid jacket.

You saw old friends.

First rule of red carpets: Don’t arrive right after Seguin.

And trolled them.

“Hi Chuck.” “No – Hello Chuck.”

You talked a lot of trash.

No one at NHL had a real notebook.

You took a selfie.

Do you see something behind me?

You got drunk.

It was this guy.

You forgot your new friend’s name.

Also, I don’t know where Long Island is.

He forgave you. Mostly.

:: internal eye roll ::

You took more selfies.

Just add kids!

You didn’t win a car.

Because you didn’t pass the sobriety test.

Then you did win a car! But you weren’t the only one.

#RNHAllStarStud

Either way, you won our hearts.

Right in the ovaries.

Even if just for a moment.

My hatred is no match for this moment of perfection.

Even if you weren’t the MVP.

We would never get your name wrong.

Most of all you made us forget all the guys who weren’t there, from the Subban-type snubs to the Crosby-esque casualites. Maybe the weekend could have been even better… but we didn’t miss them.  So thanks for this weekend, and see you next year in Nashville.

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

That is, assuming he has any.  I certainly can’t control mine – this ad campaign gives me the stupid giggles, defeating the obvious intention to hypnotize me with John’s voice.  I half-heard it while dozing off, but I’m suddenly inspired to buy a lot of shaving cream and an Islanders jersey.

Try saying, “I’m really excited” without sounding excited at all.  You can’t.  It’s impossible when we’ve gone from this:

To this in five months:

From @NHL

Aces.  It’s a Before & After when the before was pretty freakin’ great to start with and the after is just bam! – messy hair and boyfriend sweaters.  Not to say the pleats and belts have gone away – I hope not, honestly – but it seems like someone is reading this blog for fashion suggestions & approval.

And we approve.

If you’re going to be a part-time model, you have to raise your game (face).

https://twitter.com/HeatherTrussler

On Saturday vs. Philly, John had a goal waved off because of a marginally, microscopically earlier penalty by a teammate.  He was furious (and rightfully so), but the outburst was so emotional that @DLF1021 and I laughed.  Remember that time in November he got an unsportsmanlike minor for yelling at a ref?  I forgot this face could do that.

John will be included in the first episode of NHL Revealed, airing Wednesday Jan 22. There are commercials for this in Canada, but I haven’t seen any stateside and I can’t find them online.  Just as well – I’m supposed to be controlling my emotions.

John *just* scored to tie vs. Philly 1-1.  Emotions not controlled!

With that John moves to 2nd in the NHL in points.  Get excited.

(By the time I got to post, the Flyers have scored again and John drew a penalty.  So we’re still getting there.)

If you’re new to this blog, I understand it’s not where you might look in defense of the female sports fan.  I hope you all understand that we’re here to make you laugh.  We may seem like Teen Beat for the NHL, but Chuck and I have been watching hockey longer than some current NHL players have been alive.  The only things people do for 20+ years without enjoyment are prison and office work.  So while we make fun and have fun with hockey, it’s because we love it.

We know you love it too.

See the above Twitter photo again and tell me: HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Aside from the sexist, demeaning and dismissive notion that women watch hockey only for the attractive players, can someone please explain why – of all available forms in which a handsome man could be admired – one would chose the actual in-game process of hockey?

This isn’t wrestling.  Hockey players are suited, wrapped and padded up like the kid who can’t put his arms down in A Christmas Story, then helmeted, possibly visored and 90% of the time filmed from considerable distance.  I can’t always tell Brandon Sutter (16) from James Neal (18) and Beau Bennett (19) because the numbers are so damned small on TV.  How can I be appreciating their faces if I can’t even read their jerseys?!  But of course, I’m only watching because Joffrey Lupul is “rugged and sharply dressed.”  Maybe he’s got a John Varvatos three-piece suit under all that gear.

Female fans of other sports must suffer similar indignation, perhaps worse. Think of baseball and football pants.  Basketball with all those tank tops.  People know hockey and figure skating are different, right?  What do they think there is to look at?!

On top of this, hockey can be hard to follow.  National TV tried highlighting the puck in yellow as it flew around the ice; they thought people needed that much help to follow it.  If you’re not into the game of hockey, there’s nothing going on but the game for a long, long broadcast.  Once on each side of the All-Star (or Olympic) break, someone might lose a helmet.  They might be an intermission interview.  You could starve to death waiting for a taste.

Do I think a lot of hockey players are attractive?  Obviously.  So are a lot of actors.  Captain America is about the run time of a hockey game, but I doubt Crosby is going to do push-ups in a girls-size shirt then gratuitously jump into the first body of water he passes.  David Beckham is famously hot – a man who wears shorts for a living and makes a fortune modeling designer skivvies 80 feet tall on the side of a Macy’s – but I’m still not watching soccer.

My point is: if you insist on being a misogynist, at least make sense.  Stop assuming we watch 2.5+ hours of game for the occasional close-up.  Every female you are insulting knows how to Tumblr if all she wants are pretty pictures.

(Of course SportsNet put this together.  I like it – why not be talented and attractive? – but if they’re going to dismiss female sports fans in print I’d like to hear them argue that men watch beach volleyball for the fierce competition.)

2014 Calendar Shoot Teaser – Chicago Loves Pits

Warning: Video guaranteed to ruin your productivity and any current search for a real-life boyfriend.  100% increase in likelihood of pet adoption.

They really know how to dole it out in increments, these guys.

*sigh*

Kane and Toews Face Off – ESPN Magazine

What is this? Is this dancing?

Get low, Captain.

The story about Kane waking Toews up in Toronto then falling dead asleep while Jon’s wide awake and fuming – welcome to my life, people.  These two might as well be married because that is my real life with Mr. Pants every day.

This made me so happy I’m going to read it again.  Thanks guys, and thanks to Ellie (@hockeyfied) for making my day.

Just when we need someone who can be counted on to do the right thing, enter Jonathan Toews.  With a puppy.

This is a photoshoot in support of Chicago Loves Pits, founded by Brian Bickell.  I presume they’re doing a calendar.  Between this and Pens & Paws, I’m really going to know what day it is in 2014.

This lucky lady’s name is Juliette.  Looks like she took a few minutes to come around, but not even she could resist.

More Blackhawks?  More dogs?  Yes.

Foxy Friday infinity.

Gah, I feel better already.

Like whooping, twirling and scaring Intern Jeff Skinner excited.  (We don’t let him work the Halloween Party.)  Then yesterday, more screams were heard ’round the world as Lindsay and Alison whipped these around the internet.

Alison found this teaser:

And she was all, “WHAT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!”

But today, the full length video went up.  And it was this face all day:

Try it for yourself:

My lifelong brand loyalty to Coca-Cola has been validated in a way I could never repay at the cost of soda these days.  When a server asks, “Is Pepsi okay?” I always say, “No.”  Now I will say it much louder.

So many things.  First the narration is so Ron Burgundy-esque that I bet they’re broadcasting from a hot tub full of scotch.  Steven’s boyfriend sweatshirt is in full effect.  Then it actually says “let his stick do the talking.”  I swear, no one runs this stuff by girls.

Oh wait, they do.  Adorable outtakes?  Insightful B-roll?

Oh my, it’s really pronounced “RegIna.”  I was hoping that might not be true.

Wait until Stamkos blames it all on John Tavares while casually drawing your focus to how well his shirt fits.  We know where to look, Steven.

All this attention is making #TeamEbs nervous.

Okay, I love everyone.  My crappy day at work is erased as I watch this on a loop.

There is a second, deleted video of more chirping.  I tried to find it but the only Google results for “eberle stamkos” are this blog and fanfiction.  So basically this blog twice.  If anyone turns it up, we want it!

For  now, enjoy Cabbie giving Stammer acting lessons.  The next time a guy asks why girls go to the bathroom together, say you’re working on this.

Or just say:

POST SCRIPT: From Lindsay, courtesy of Sharp Magazine.

Click photos for super hi-res. You’re welcome.

Bonus: Joffrey Lupul in suits.

James Neal appears to have extended his tattoo to a full sleeve.

All together now… “UGH.”

Okay, that was just me.  And what I really said was, “CoughMikeGreencough.”

I don’t hate it – it’s tough to even see it and I bet it’s not finished. Let’s say I’m not really looking forward to more.  Unless James gives us a hipster glasses-and-tank top selfie for examination – there are brownie points to be had here.  Also if there is a little 71 hidden in there somewhere.

So enjoy this while waiting for a glimpse of more.  I’ll be over here taking solace in the fact that Crosby would never do this to me.  Look at him there at the end, all short and built like a brick house.

(Posting from my phone, sorry if this is a mess!)

While this picture is funny (and by funny I mean ALARMING and BACK UP, HONEY), the best part comes from our friends at @Section328:

Now, now.  I like TSwizzle and have been known to bust into a sing-along at the top of my lungs.  Her bangs and eyeliner are always superb.  Let those of us who recorded a karaoke version of Paula Abdul’s “It’s Just the Way That You Love Me” on family vacation in 1988 throw no stones.  We enjoy Taylor as long as she’s not assuming the most fun we ever had at 22 was breakfast at midnight.

But Intern Jeff Skinner, it’s time for a review of your time here at WUYS.  The whole reason for your internship is to lift heavy things get me a candy bar learn valuable life lessons.  Apparently we have failed you.

First, you gave her your own jersey.  Ho-hum-humblebrag, but be careful.  A hickey from Kenickie is not like a Hallmark card.  If she’s going to wear your number, you should probably make sure it’s the only one she’s wearing.

It’s not.

Bonus points for sparkly guitars.

Dear Pot, this is Kettle and I’ll call you whatever color I want.  The only person allowed to like this many teams is me.  

Nashville, makes sense.

Seriously, this looks like my t-shirt drawer.  And it makes no sense which is why I don’t get photographed by paparazzi.

Her Leafs jersey looks purple.  Next lesson: color safe bleach.

And this.

Well she is from Pennsylvania.

How many of these guys are still Penguins, Jeff?  ZERO.  You don’t see JStaal running to give Taylor his New Storm jersey.  Take notes.

Third, heartbreak does not qualify as a reason to take off work.  We aren’t going to make our own copies and screencap our own pictures of Mike Green’s hair.  The freezer is full of vodka, you cannot keep your misery-drowning pints of Chunky Monkey in there.

We will watch Bridget Jones with you, though.

Mostly don’t make us pretend to hate a Taylor Swift song because it’s about you.  You are not a new Maserati on a dead end street (Mike Green, however, has a Maserati).  When you’re 15, which is now, and somebody tells you to run like heck you need to believe them.  I can go on.  We know trouble when it walks in.

Remember this?

No one cared it was the worst Photoshop ever.  Girls mutinied against the interwebs like Sarah Connor trying to take down SkyNet.  Imagine what they’d do to iTunes, Jeff.

Back to reality.

We have no reason to believe Intern Jeff Skinner is doing anything more than standing next to Taylor Swift, or that he broke up with his actual girlfriend (who we’ve never heard of but she’s adorable and on Canadian TV).  This is more likely a bid to buddy up to Ed Sheeran.  All signs point to a happy intern with no vindictive/addictive pop songs dropping in the near future.  Plus Jeff’s hair isn’t really up to Taylor’s standards.  No offense.

Take our advice on this one, Jeff, since you’re clearly not listening to other things we warn against.

If you’re not following Jeff on Twitter then honestly I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.  He’s so pithy he clearly wants to us to let him blog.

The JB (James Brown) Impact Award goes to an athlete who “has demonstrated outstanding involvement in the community and has used sport to positively impact the area….  Through actions of service to the community, he or she has reflected the ideals of not only a great athlete, but of an exceptional DC citizen.” [Sneakerball.org]

Congratulations, Mike!

Mike does a lot of charity work in the DC area, including the annual So Kids Can playground build with Kaboom!  Last year’s event was fantastic [link] and I signed up for this year’s build on September 26.  It looks like spots are still open!  Sign Up Here

Mike was joined by some very well-dressed Caps teammates at last night’s event.

Karl Alzner: Best Suit

Steve Oleksy: Best Shoes (you can almost see them!)

Joel Ward: Best Vest

I really do love vests.

And just because the Caps posted it to their Instagram, making it internet official and public:

Belated congrats to Mike on getting engaged.  His fiancee obviously has excellent taste in guys and possibly even better taste in dresses.  (Sorry Mike, but that is a killer gown.)  Is it too soon to start asking about faux-hawked babies?  Do I sound like my mom right now?

At the moment we’ll settle for Mike’s own hair, in all it’s glory, at 2013 Caps Media Day.

Need I recall last year, when I was “99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata” over Mike’s photo? [link]  Time heals all wounds.

Bring on the season.