Day 3’s video would have been another mediocre offering but was salvaged by two things: impossibly tight super hero t-shirts and Michael Del Zotto’s samurai ponytail.

MDZ’s hair has always been fantastic and his new man bun is kinda working for me. In case you didn’t know, man buns are cool now.

A thousand blessings the BioSteel Sports intern whose job it was to run to the nearest Target and buy up every superhero shirt in the boys’ back to school section.

Size XS

I laugh at you, Tensile Fabric Strength.

I know not everyone is a fan of Tyler Seguin or his sleeve tattoos, but I leave you with this photo (and my new phone wallpaper) to help you change your mind.

from www.twitter.com/biosteelsports

This shirt is holding on for dear life…and so am I.

The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research.  Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns.  The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year.  Everyone is doing it:  Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it!  Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research.  If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.

And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest.  (So you know – this took forever to compile.  I watched hours of videos.  It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)

Me: “No.  No way.  No way!”

Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday.  I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic – A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.

Now who needs a cold shower?

Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge.  So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

The “This Looks Familiar”

Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background?  Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot.  Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.

Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.

Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.

Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).

The Intern Project

We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog.  This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then.  And white?!  What a flirt.  Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?

Team Tank Top

Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada.  I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.

Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer.  You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video.  #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park.  It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.

The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.

Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs.  He’s got to keep up with Taylor!  Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant.  Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.

Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video.  How is that fair?  His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!

Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy.  Did they have a conference call about what to wear?  Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?

The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team” 

Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off.  Or something he couldn’t hit on.  I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.

Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now.  (Too skinny?  A little?)  Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.

Benn-d and Snap

In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video.  This is everything that’s right with the world.

Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer – and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge.  They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.

The Other Birthday Boy

It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes.  Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.

The NSFMyLife

John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video.  There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right?  That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?

Is this going to be on the test?

What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice.  If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.

That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt

Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.

The US judges give this a 6.

He’s 21,  You Guys – I Swear

And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water.  Promise.

Guys Chuck Likes

The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res.  Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore?  Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:

Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing.  He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna.  Stand up straight, man!

Kim Bauer Did It

Oh yeah, and her husband too.  The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Alison loves these guys.  I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA.  Jack Bauer would disown that mess.

I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.

The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”

He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool.  (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator.  Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.)  Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?

Coach Q is My Favorite Coach

Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.

My Goalie is a Banana

What can I say?  I trust this man with my GAA.  They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party.  Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video

Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower.  Dad is ready.

Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head

Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.

The Hot Dads

“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it.  Then we’re going for ice cream.”

Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video.  From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course.  Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl.  (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)

Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.

Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show.  They’ve already created the poster:

No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.

Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts.  Just saying, that’s a Harvard man.  (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013.  Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)

Vote early, vote often.

The Overachievers

Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt.  His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course.  Talk about bigger.

You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.”  He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies.  Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here.  And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.

The Suits

Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Max is responsible now.  He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it!  He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.

Business in the front, party in the shoes.

Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Borts, what is that tie?!  Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie?  It’s not working.  Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it?  We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.

This yard wants to party, Project X-style.

Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all.  Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal.  I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him.  Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here).  Did I miss his video somewhere?

While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.

I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

The players all look so happy – almost as happy as I would be if this were a t-shirt shop and I had a bag full of Canadian money.  Collect all 48!

There are moments when, as part of the unfreezing process, you have no inner monologue.  So here’s mine, in yellow and red, as this was going through my mind out loud:

Toews love-fest from the Calgary Sun

Family Photo!

Click photo for larger version – from Sporting News

Hey, zoom in!

These two.

Or maybe…

Now with MORE arrows!

There are more videos at TSN (right sidebar).  Endless footage of fit guys running around sounds like the perfect way to spend a Tuesday.

Coming Soon: another round of The Bachelorette.  But first this bonus round…

Will JT91 be named next captain of the Islanders? – NHL.com

And click this one for the new desktop wallpaper of your life:

You’re welcome.  Love, Canada

[Sorry y’all, copyrighted photos from this post were removed by request.  You’ll have the survive on screencaps from the CTV interview linked below.]

Sid and Brand Marchand took part in the Phoenix Night of Champions youth fundraiser last night in Halifax.  You all know how I feel about Marchand, which basically boils down to CENSORED.  I’ll give Brad a pass for one night since good deeds were done, money raised, Stanley Cup rings worn and, well…

Gah. SHOULDERS, Crosby.  That shirt is made of hopes and dreams.  What kind of fundraiser is this?  Can I throw money at the stage?

I’m already giggling like:

From MetroNews.ca

More photos from the event at @CTVAtlantic, @MelaniePriceCTV and @HockeyNS.

UPDATE: Courtesy of @alisonsykora:  Crosby interview at Phoenix event in which the moderator actually fangirls a little and tells him, “”You’re even more handsome than you were before the injury, howisthatpossible?!”

AMEN, LADY.

I knew the Cup rings were big, but DAMN.  That thing’s like an ice cube.

Also in Nova Scotia, a few days back, Sid practiced with #1 draft pick and mini-Crosbot-type Nathan MacKinnon.  Here’s the practice video, and here are six minutes of interview that I would pay cash to watch on a movie screen.

With popcorn.

I wonder if there are girls watching.

Particularly the moment at 2:34, in which I imagine myself running up behind the camera guy yelling, “For the love of everything, ZOOOOOOOM!”

There probably are, right?

He’s all teeth fixed, hair cut and clean shaven, just waiting to meet your parents.

Sorry. I could go on all day.

Aaaand now I’m nervous. (Hands in pockets.)

The Pens schedule is here, plan your lives accordingly.

Whatever you expected from a Patrick Kane party, you were underestimating.

SWEDES, you have passed us!! (photo by @jstefanc)

Police barricades can’t stop this cute at the Hawks parade. (also by @jstefanc)

Drunk Toews getting off the drunk bus by holding onto the stripper pole.

Kaner letting a guy with this mustache get all up on his trunk.

Corey Crawford, heavyweight f-bomb champion of the day.

Patrick Kane doing exactly that I’d do with the Cup AGAIN – take it to see Jimmy Buffett and Mac McAnally!

All these people who had more fun than we did on Friday.

Babies with the Cup.

And finally, this photo of Viktor Stalberg’s girlfriend that explains life, the universe and everything.

We’re with you, honey.

Video: Intern Jeff Skinner has great legs (bonus: James Neal)

This is my serious face.

There’s a moment where Gary Roberts says, “We don’t lay down much in our workouts.”, but he looks like no fun at all so I’ll just bite my tongue.

My first thought is that Jeff has a surprisingly deep voice to go with those gams.

Second thought: If James Neal sat behind me, I’d work a lot harder too.

There’s a glimpse of Nealmobile’s mystery tattoo in this video (inside right bicep).   I know it says PANTS, but I want to see it!  The first person who gets a picture will receive a case of Mexicolas delivered by Intern Jeff.

After watching that, don’t you want to hit it?  (I mean the gym, pervs.)  Run around the block or something?  I do.  Then I watched this:

Video: James Neal and Jeff Skinner demonstrate my inadequacy

A race consisting of one pull up, one push up, then again, with no stops for throwing up on your sneakers.

I’ve been training hard all summer for a Tough Mudder race (Sept 8!) and I still cannot do one single pull up.  I can run 12 miles but cannot lift my body weight.  Intern Jeff Skinner does them one-handed while taking phone messages in the office.  UGH!

This would be very disheartening if you didn’t notice that Nealer is cheating.

Those are some girly push-ups, James.  Twice he gets called out on it.  Gary Roberts is so mesmerized by Jeff’s quads he doesn’t see James staying six inches off the floor.  We’re on to you, Neal (and thanks).

Not to be outdone during Stamkos Takeover Week here at WUYS…

Video: Steven Stamkos can jump freakishly high

Not for nothing, but that is CRAZY.  He’s 6′ 1″, so he’s jumping well over 3 feet.  I just measured my desk – 29″ – and started cracking up.  No freaking way.

 .gifs from h33nrik.tumblr.com

That last one… why do I even bother trying to say coherent things?

Next up – Video: John Tavares, hot middle school science teacher

It’s the hair.  Something about it says Izod polo shirts and boat shoes.

He’s about to start discussing sedimentary rock strata while I doodle on my Trapper Keeper and debate which would be more fun: detention or extra credit.

Also, JT91 looks like he sort of hates this.  He’s obviously very motivated… to finish this working and go do something else.  We applaud his efforts.

And finally, someone who tells it like it is.

Video: PK Subban knows it’s tight t-shirt season

Listed at 206 pounds, that means PK is lifting 306 lbs here.  He looks like he could lift my car.  He goes on to say he works out 8-9 times a week.  Somewhere, John Tavares just passed out.

Last year when we started talking about workout videos, the universe delivered.  This seasons it seems to have anticipated our request.

Quick someone ask for something else…

Nealmobile!

FINALLY!  We were beginning to wonder about him….

He looks like he just woke up and hasn’t had his Paul Martin omelet yet.

Get that boy a bagel, stat.

BTW – Love that guy’s stank face on the right. It’s as if he realizes he’ll never be as good as Nail Yakupov.

This video, while not nearly exciting as Day 1 or Day 2, does have hot guys sprinting.

Obviously, they are participating in some hockey version of “The Hunger Games”, sprinting all out for the cornucopia and that backpack.

Our money is on Tyler Seguin.  He’s got that look of a Career Tribute.

For us personally, we’d like to see more working out in these videos.

More Steven Stamkos leaping tall buildings in a single bound.

More Tyler Seguin tossing medicine balls like they are nerf balls.

More shirtless massage montages.

And less of this.

His body is bangin’ for sure, but this caterpillar of a mustache just totally ruins it for us.

Especially when it makes him look like Luigi from Super Mario Brothers.

For the record, I’m not complaining.

But where is Marshall? I was promised a puppy.

Oh jeez.  Okay.  Fair trade.

Stop. I surrender.

Sorry to Segs, but he’s not the true highlight of this video.

Behold the exact photo definition of WUYS:

AMIRIGHT?

There’s hockey, a hot guy who plays hockey, some form of exercise and a damsel in cardiac distress over the entire tableau.

This picture says a thousand words and most of them are “UNF.”

I don’t know why it’s happening, but I guarantee this girl had no idea it would happen to her .  A close proximity shirtless push-up from Biznasty is not a ‘messy bun’ occasion.  She’d much rather faint in stiletto cage sandals and a sparkly dress.  Happens to us all the time.

Shameless.  Hallelujah.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Behold Stammer’s secret message inviting me over for movie night, where I get to eat all the ketchup chips since he can’t do that during training camp.

We’ll obviously watch Attack the Block, because he knows I love that movie.

And he knows how we much we appreciate this look. I’m giving him the tag #shorthairdontcare this season.

Still no James Neal.  There is one shot of Intern Jeff Skinner – the equivalent of a note from his coach about why he’s not here to get me a candy bar.  I’m heartened by all these guys training hard because they obviously intend to start playing any day now, and keep doing so all season.  No lockout.  No excuses.

Until tomorrow…

(Thanks Amanda, photo-finder extraordinaire.)

Damn it, Tyler Seguin!  That was my last line of defense.

Video: Tyler Seguin and his puppy ruin your life.

If you’re still alive after that, how about being jealous of a real-life girl?  Lovely WUYS pal Jana attended the Plymouth Whalers alumni game on August 4th.

She got to meet Tyler…

… and reports that he was very nice, if a little reserved, possibly due to his rabid female fanbase. (I raised my hand. Was that not a question?)  But once they started talking, he kept right on talking.

Because he’s cool, right?  Not just because Jana has an awesome, Pants-coveted haircut and strongly resembles Ashley Greene?

I swear they’re talking about what romantic restaurants will let them bring the puppy onto the patio during dinner.

Chuck’s been working to turn me into a Seguinista for years, but I’ve resisted.  So Jana had a back-up plan in case I was not yet jealous. A plan in which she also met James Neal.

Are you trying to kill me?!

I would have hurdled this table fast enough to qualify for the Olympics, people.

To sum up, my summer has consisted of zero puppies, zero hockey players and the Snickers I ate for breakfast.  Wah waaaaaaaaah.  Other people clearly have better plans/luck/haircuts and are making them count.

Thanks to Jana for sharing her pictures with us!  Keep ’em coming, of course.  Donations gratefully accepted.

We’re running at like 50%, not able to post as much as we want and Intern Jeff Skinner is totally being a slacker.  He thinks he’s all hotshot with his new fancy contract.

We don’t care, Jeff.  You’re still our intern. Now fetch us some ice cold mexican coca colas!

Okay, now that he’s left the room, we have a confession to make.

We sort of feel bad for Jeff.  We’re making him work so hard this summer when he should be out enjoying his summer, just like Gabe Landeskog is.

Seriously. This kid is having the best summer ever.  And thanks to the wonder of the twitter, we all get to share it with him.

We love technology and hockey players who embrace it.

Here are some of our favorites….

Summer without hockey is really really hard, but Gabe the Babe is trying his hardest to cheer us up.

Thanks, buddy.

We’re feeling a much better now…

Hi, I’m Jess! You may remember me from such WUYS guest appearances such as Up Close and Personal and Our Friends Party With the NHL. Pants and Chuck have once again let me take over their blog so that I can drop a little ‘Hawks fandom on y’all.

My latest mission? The Fifth Annual Blackhawks Convention!

If you haven’t been to Chicago, go. Now. I’ll wait… Did you LOVE it? Amazing, no?  It is stunning and I cannot wait to go back/move there one day.

Friend of the blog, fellow Blackhawks fan, Virginia-native and all around spectacular human being Carter was already going to be there as, by happy accident, the Convention fell on the same weekend as the half-marathon she was running (!). I BEGGED her to hook me up with an extra pass, even though I live nowhere near Chicago (It’s 691 hour walk. Thanks Google Maps!) and wasn’t sure I could make it. A last minute seat sale and a terrifying Hotwire gamble meant I was on my way to the great state of Illinois.

Carter and I, as featured on the Chicago SunTimes website.  Not wearing Blackhawks gear = ultimate party foul. #guiltyascharged

Now, it is well documented than I suffer from a severe case of Jonathan Toews-induced catatonia and therefore my memories of the weekend are a little bit fuzzy. I was really hoping that the Blackhawks would have posted the whole thing on their website so I could do this thing Mystery Science Theater 3000-styles, but I will try my best…

Disclaimer: People on the interwebs had way better cameras than I did. I borrowed a few, but I highly recommend trolling Tumblr…

Day 1

The Opening Ceremonies were kinda like boarding an airplane. It took forever to get everyone in their places, there was a brief message from The Captain, followed by a video that no one really paid attention to. But then, THEN, as the room was emptying, Toews came out to do an interview in the press area that was RIGHT BESIDE ME:

Captain Deltoids

As he was leaving, he walked past and shook a few hands. Instead of extending my hand like a normal person, I put my hands behind my back because I was afraid this would happen:

He was ushered off by his NSYNC-circa-2001 security entourage, but not before he said “Sorry guys, I gotta go!” His voice directly touched my ears. Did I say ears? I meant SOUL.

Friday night was “Second City” comedy/awkwardness hour, scene of the infamous Shawlberg strip-tease. They can Magic Mike all they want, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler they are not. Personally, my highlight of the evening was Patrick Kane saying that he woke up that morning next to a beautiful woman and Carter’s hilarious NSFW commentary.

Day 2

There were memorabilia auctions, activities for kids and several rooms set up for Q&A’s. Personally, I parked my ass in the International Ballroom ALL day. The first must-see panel was “The Olympic Ideal”. Patrick Kane rolled in wearing the same clothes as the night before. Oh PKane, never change. There was a lot of “Blah blah, it’s an honour to play for one’s country,” but I do not remember anything that was said after Jonathan Toews spoke because he had sexy, husky morning voice and GURRRL HE LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN:

Captain More-Powerful-Than-A-Locomotive

Next up was the “Behind the Scenes with Blackhawks TV” panel wherein my Life Hero Patrick Dahl, Director of Advertising and Game Presentation, revealed that he has ample blackmail footage of Jonathan Toews in his underwear (the use of “ample” was not an intentional pun.) The panel also included humiliating out-takes of their already humiliating BHTV featurettes which can be seen here and here. The fake moustache has scarred me, as the kids say, 5-evah.

Captain Bashful

Speaking of humiliating, during the Q&A a crazy fangirl tearfully sang a version of “Call Me Maybe” to “Jonny” asking him to sign her jersey. Let me tell you, Carter and I would have taken gold in Synchronized Cringing, Pairs, Long Program. The fontrum was palpable.

But I’ll allow it because we were treated to this:

The last panel was “Generations of Captains” where Jon put on his big boy clothes to sit at the grown-up’s table. This was actually my favourite panel because Stan Mikita is everyone’s hilarious grandpa and I have never seen Toews laugh so hard. Like, literally head down, pounding the table hysterical laughter. It was joy.

Captain Judging-You (Thanks Veronica for the amazing photo!)

I really did try to get his autograph! I’m working on it you guys, 5th time will be a charm…

Captain Sport-Coat-No-Tie

Day 3

At the risk of facing WUYS army court-martial, I failed to get Viktor Stalberg’s autograph. Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. The convention employed an elaborate system of wrist bands and scratch-and-wins for pictures and autographs, and I am blessed with neither patience nor luck, respectively. There was a somewhat entertaining panel about social media in which I decided I want Jimmy Hayes to be my boyfriend, but other than that, it was pretty low-key and all was said and done by 1PM.

Hmm… what else?

• Brent Seabrook is the ULTIMATE troll. His sarcastic slow-clap is amazing. I want to hang with him.
• Patrick Sharp, like Barney Stinson, is INCAPABLE of taking a bad picture. He may never actually blink.

PATRICK SHARP. YOUR FACE.

Best Q&As

• Fan to Toews: “Are you gonna do a no-haircut season like Stamkos?”
• Toews: “I dunno. It gets out of control pretty fast.”
• Sharp: “Well, he’s not gonna have that hair much longer, so he better enjoy it.”

• Fan to Sharp and Mayers: “Is it hard leaving your family during road trips?”
• Andrew Shaw: “Yeah, it’s real tough leaving the kids.”
• Dan Carcillo: “Especially when you don’t know where they are.”

•  A mom, to Kane: “Can you tell my son that getting up at 4AM for practice is normal.”
• Kane: “I was doing something at 4AM, but it wasn’t playing hockey.”

I know this was overly Toews-centric (sorry I’m not sorry) and I’m forgetting a bunch of stuff (I barely discussed Patrick Kane and his forearms!), but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And one should keep some of one’s anecdotes secret, as one does not want to be a dreadful bore at cocktail parties.

Thanks again Pants and Chuck! You ladies are the absolute best and I adore you. XOXO.

We obviously adore you too, Jess.  And since you mentioned Kaner’s off-season arms project…

Oh, okay. One more smile.

Follow Jess for endless hilarity, and that time she took a photo of Stamkos & Skinner together just for Pants – @jfrancesw.

Stanley is a little banged up, thanks to former Bruin Michael “Cool” Ryder and a flimsy Nova Scotian card table.

To which my friend Fatty J exclaimed, “Jesus Michael!”

Dios mios indeed!

What is that table made out of anyway?  Paper mache and matchsticks?

You’d think that they’d be able to find a sturdier table to hold the Cup, you know, to prevent that from happening.

Luckily, the Cup is okay.  Just a little dent.

Can’t say the same for Ryder’s pride though.

Welcome to infamy, my friend.

Man Down.

The celebration tour has taken the Cup all over the world, but one place it’s been quite a bit this summer is…

ON A BOAT!

Nautical themed pashmina afghans and flippy floppys for EVERYONE!

Stanley has more than earned his sea legs these last few months.

So, where’s he been exactly?

Well, he was…
At Niagara Falls – ON A BOAT! (Daniel Paille)
At the Jersey Shore – ON A BOAT! (Dennis Seidenberg)
In Vancouver – ON A BOAT! (Milan Lucic)
In the Welland Canal – ON A BOAT! (Adam Creighton, Bs Scout)

But you know what boat we REALLY want to see Stanley on? This one.

With Seguin and Marchand too.

Kings of the world, on a boat like Leo.

That sound you hear is Chuck's lifeless body hitting the floor.

And Stamkos showing off (approved):

There's a "throw me up against the wall" joke here...

I obliged Intern Jeff Skinner and did a single pull-up at the gym yesterday.  Almost popped my shoulders out.  I can plank and run and lift… but not like this.  I get woozy just thinking about it.  Not enough BioSteel in the world to get me through 1/10th of what these guys do.

Impressed yet?

He doesn't even look tired.

What you really want is video of Biz doing yoga in his unders.  You got it.

And hey, look who got 10 seconds of camera time?

Frankly, this is not enough.

So that’s Foxy Friday – the boys working it out because they can’t wait to get back together with you.  Now if this hurricane really takes us all out, at least you saw Biz in his skivvies.

You can see all the photos here.  But you can’t handle it. (Oh wait, that’s us.)

Ginger Staal got married over the weekend, hence the festivities.  The Staal Bros are going fast, ladies. 

Interview Video 1 and Video 2.  Fair warning: There isn’t any smiling, as he obviously misses Mike.  It makes me wanna:

Our pal @raedanda found this on Twitter – MUCH better.  Someone tell me how this thing stays afloat as Nicky demonstrates the appropriate length and plaid in this season’s Swedish swim trunks.

Posted by Nicky's brother Krisstofer (@kbackstrom85)

why thank you, I'll have what's he's having and then some!

Can I hear a hallelujah from all you sisters out there? Because that is how powerful my posts are! When I ask Kris Letang to take his shirt off, HE OBEYS! DAMN IT!

nothing to see here ladies. nothing to see here. absolutely nothing to see. nada.

And I’m not going to point out the obvious, OK, yes I am, but is that a Penguin in your pants or were you glad I asked you to take your shirt off? JUST SAYIN. HAPPY FRIDAY WUYSIES!

have a great day too!

In a related story, it wasn’t us.

We’re not going to post photos of Jon’s date – let’s not be those girls.  Plus Intern Jeff Skinner reads this blog and we’re not sure he can handle it.  You can Google her if you like.  Suffice to say that Kaner is *really* jealous somewhere in Upstate NY.

What we will post is the fantastic work of Roving Reporter Veronica from the 2011 Blackhawks Convention.

Kaner rocking the tan and that salmon shirt.

Mike Green is jealous of this.

My dentist is jealous.

Veronica obviously had a great time.  She says the Hawks Convention is a must for any fan… which clearly means us.  WUYS road trip next year.  And that Chicago pizza… we may never leave.  Veronica lives in Raleigh and has ‘Canes season tickets, so she’ll also be keeping an eye on Intern Jeff Skinner for us.  Don’t let him drink the Mexicola, it gives him the giggles.

And now, for the Best Photo Award.  How could you not want this face to lead you to victory?

Mexican coca colas for everyone!

We follow pretty much every NHL team on the twitter in the hopes that someday they’ll follow us back and we’ll feel super popular and emotionally validated as serious hockey bloggers.

Phoenix Coyotes were the first to follow us, but have to admit that we’re way more excited about the Bolts following us.

That much closer to Stammer, Squishy, and Stevie Y.

Gator can barely contain her excitement.