That mess really did happen.  I’m disgusted in both teams because they are better than that. They have really made me mad.  Like flames on the side of my face mad.

These are undoubtable the best teams in the East and here they are playing bush league hockey like a bunch of thugs.   ARRGGGGH it just makes me so angry.

Since their meeting in the playoffs last year, the Bruins and Penguins have created a rivalry whose intensity has reached nuclear levels this season.  And Saturday was Chernobyl.

First you have Orpik’s hit on Eriksson.  Then Thornton’s reaction to said hit.  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get worse,  you have James Neal kneeing Brad Marchand in the head while he is down on the ice.

Orpik’s hit started the meltdown with his check on Eriksson.  From the replays, the hit didn’t look exceptionally dirty (he might have left his feet a little) but it was a devastating blow to the Bruins as it knocked the Bs left winger out of the game with his 2nd concussion of the season.

Then Thornton sent things to a critical level when he retaliated and took Orpik down to the ice.  Now I love Thornton…when he isn’t being a complete and utter moron.  He is a player that brings a grittiness and physicality to the game that should be appreciated. But I CANNOT abide by his actions on Saturday.

It is embarassing for not only the Bruins, but also for Shawn Thornton, and it showed in his post game interview.

He looks as if he is about to burst into tears at any time. No doubt a suspension is coming for ST22 and when it does, he will take his punishment like a big boy and hopefully put this entire debacle behind him.

And then we have James Neal.  Oh James, I thought you were better than that. Pants thought you were better than that.  She is wicked mad at you right now and you are going to have to work hard to get back in her good graces.

Also – you’ve been Shannaband.  Five games to sit in the corner in time-out to think about what you’ve done.

What we all need to do is take a deep collective breath and just calm the f*&^ down.  Stop the madness, people!

It seems to me that we are precariously close to forgetting that this game is all about. Especially the men that have the honor and the privledge to play this sport.  It is about using their emmence and awesome talent  to compete with dignity and grace.  It’s about sportsmanship.

Forgotten what that looks like?  Let Patrice show you.

Bergeron helping get stretcher out to Orpik

There were a few bright spots, like Will Arnett.  Especially when he shanabanned Ovi for blocking Brooks Laich’s parking spot and sentencing him to ride on the back of Mike Green’s scooter.

WHY CAN’T THIS BE REAL LIFE?

While peering between our fingers at the anguish of embarrassment onstage, we of course noted how well-dressed and handsome most of the NHL looked.  After months of beards that would get a guy double-frisked at the airport, it’s a reminder that hockey players clean up pretty nicely.  Here are some of our favorite fashion moves:

THE PLAID

If you Google “Giroux plaid suit,” three of the top six results are from this blog. No joke.  That’s 42% – the same percentage of Claude Giroux‘s clothes that are plaid.  Coincidence?  He wore this to Media Day:

One plaid is not enough.

Of course, the plaid-tasticness on display at the Awards ceremony, where Claude was announced as the EA Sports NHL13 cover winner.  He said, “I’m not sure I’m a model.”  Only because celebs don’t get photographed wearing the same clothes every damned day.

Claude did bring something new to the show – BizNasty.  This was my favorite moment of the Red Carpet because all three of them were thinking the same thing (as the rest of us): Sex tape.

THE VEST

This is by far our favorite fashion trend.  Adam Henrique has been wearing this three-piece suit for weeks now – hey, he had to do a lot of playoff pressers.  Here’s hoping he’s got a whole closet full of them.  The purple tie/lavender shirt combo is trending without being obnoxious.  While he didn’t win the Calder, he still looks like a Major Award.

The last time Steven Stamkos won a Rocket Richard Trophy, he wore a shiny silver suit.  It was okay if you really like Ben Stiller’s character from Dodgeball, but Stammer also had to stand next to Crosby the whole time.  This year, he knew just how to hog the spotlight:

I missed the part where he dipped Cheryl Burke to the floor and blushed like a bride. (Chuck did not.  It was swoon-inducing.)  Probably a good thing, I can only handle so much Stamkos smiling.  Erin Andrews approves:

THE SKINNY TIE

Tuesday, Gabriel Landeskog joked about wearing a bow tie to the Awards.  It would have been nice knowing you, melted interwebs.

Alas, Gabe chose this hipster skinny tie and while it is just a tad too short, you can’t even be disappointed with the way he looks.

Gabe the Babe

Landeskog dedicated his Calder Trophy win to his grandfather, making us all cry.  So many emotions and landeskoging – good thing we’re already teenage girls on the inside. [video] Also, Charlie Conway/Pacey Whitter presented the award.  Time to break out the Cruel Intentions DVD, we think.

THE NO-TIE

We know Evgeni Malkin loves the casual look, from his parade of questionable t-shirts.  But Geno brought his A-game to the Awards, sporting the open-collar, “I could be in the Mafia” look to pick up all his awards – the Lindsay, Hart and Art Ross Trophies, as well as our special award for being the Most Adorable Panda.

If this doesn’t make you squee, check your emotion chip because your android brain is malfunctioning.

THE F-BOMB

Oh, come on!  We all said it when we saw Henrik Lundqvist.  So what if he dropped it on TV, it’s not like you were on NBC or anything.    They should make him a special edition Vezina Trophy that’s just a mirror.  A big one.

THE MAYBE NEXT YEAR

Apparently it takes a few days for a $45.5 million check to clear, or Erik Karlsson would have had a new suit.  We’ll give him a pass because winning the Norris Trophy at 22 is kind of a big deal.  However we suggest this hot-pink-and-black look be reserved for a cool pair of custom sneakers or an ironic prom.  It’s too shiny.  The pants were bordering on high-waters.  That shirt burns our irises.

Also, the Uncle Rico mustache has to go.  Call us in September before NHL Media Day, please.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

ADDITION: ACK! I was expecting Chuck to add Bergeron and I forgot to remind her!  Patrice and his Selke Award were equally flawless last night… and holy cow, his girlfriend is a fox too.  *Sigh*  Some people have all the luck.  He is beyond classy.

Did we miss anyone?  We were a little busy planning our outfits for this shitshow next year, because there is no excuse to stay home.

Missing it this year was a turrible awful mistake on our parts.  It will never happen again.  Maybe Karlsson should keep the pink shirt so I can point and laugh while Mike Green carries away the Norris… okay, I’m getting delusional.

Back to looking at stilettos…

Hey Shane, no need to get angry .. you’re moving on in the series but staying in Phoenix! You just won the Lottery!

Ya just can’t mess with the force – dude.

I think there was a grand disturbance in the force when Chewie tapped into the dark side and smashed Hans Solo’s head into the boards in an earlier series and sometimes karmic galactic payback is a bitch.

Chewie will now be able to make it back to Kashyyyk in time to celebrate Life Day.

You shall not move … I command it.

Lord Vader Shanahan needs souls to keep doling out his brand of justice

So now the Conference Finals are set for the West Coast – Phoenix vs. LA Kings.

What do you think – Shanabanned?  I would not be surprised.  Zubris has long since passed the puck and G seems to wait until after the shoulder hit is available, then go straight for his face.  Claude took a penalty for “head contact” on the play – it’s part of the “Illegal Hit to the Head” rule [link], I’ve just never heard it called that.  Zubris was not injured and had 2 goals on the night (GWG and an empty-netter).

The Flyers are down 3-1 in the series vs. New Jersey.  Losing Giroux for game 5… yikes.  We’ll see what Principal Shanny has to say tomorrow.  Can he suspend this face that turns even the best of the rest of us into idiots with traitorous tendencies?

After this weekend, the heat intensified over how Brendan Shanahan decides suspensions and disciplinary action. But for us women, there’s no secret. After the Campbell empire of nepotism and favoritism crumbled there was hope for a clean start. But after almost a year in the position it looks like The Plastics are back with 2.0 edition.

Here is Shanahan and Bettman at a press conference discussing the recent Torres suspension:

http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1384659

This is what it must be like behind closed doors when they are deciding on disciplinary action. “Well Brendan, you have the physique of a 20 year old Zack Parise shooting down the cold freshly zambonied ice on a winter classic day with a crazed Shea Weber chasing you trying to smash you head into the boards.”

shanahan simply calls it in

ask henrik if this was worth $2,500 bowl full of crazy

My point is, discipline should be like justice, blind, fair and across the board. A hit should be judged on its own. Not if someone is hurt, not if someone is a popular or famous player, but as a stand alone on its own merits – as it were. This is simply not happening. I realize people are human but come on.

And don’t use Matt Cooke is the poster boy for this system – it was the Penguins who sat him down and said it’s your job or you’re out. That was the reason he change, NOT Shanahan or the new system.

This went beyond just hair-pulling ...

I don’t hate fighting as much as some other people. What I dislike is hypocrisy. Philly has never made any apologies for who they are. What shocked me was  Matt Cooke managed to stayed out of the fray.

Pittsburgh needs to decide quickly if they are going to play as a team to stay in the play-offs or protect Sidney Crosby from injury because they can’t do both.

But other than that, to lighten the mood there used to be someone who did Hockey Cats. So to continue the tradition, here is the weekend in hockey cats photos:

Mittens likes to live on the edge ... it's better than the tea-cup ride in Disneyland!

big Orange made a horrible goalie

1. Carl Hagelin

Former Foxy Friday and Ryan Gosling stun- double Carl Hagelin is not known for throwing elbows and getting dirrrty.  But the playoffs make people do crazy things.  He took out Daniel Alfredsson with a very high hit yesterday.

Alfredsson, the Sens’ captain, did not return to the game.  There’s been no update on Alfredsson’s status.  Hagelin served a five minute major and will be sentenced today.  Tortorella said “wah!” but that’s what he always says.

2. Matt Carkner

This guy is off his anger-management meds.  Boyle had a goal in game 1 and got into it with Karlsson to the tune of matching roughing minors.  It merits the clean check Carkner throws to start this, and probably a fight.  I understand protecting your most valuable asset.  But Carkner doesn’t square off, he jumps Boyle and drags him face-down across the ice under the dogpile.

Carkner got five for fighting, two for instigating and ejected.  Brandon Dubinsky was the third man into the fight and also got himself a game misconduct.  He took his frustration out on the Gatorade cooler.

This series is officially ugly.  I think Shanahan will suspend Hagelin for one game, especially if Alfie can’t play tomorrow.  The hit was directly to the head and otherwise you open it up to chaos.  If Carkner went after Boyle for a play that didn’t result in Karlsson being injured, what will they do to the guy who knocked out their captain?  Hagelin is not Boyle – he may not live to tell the tale.

Carkner definitely gets suspended here.  Fight a guy clean to protect your teammates, that’s hockey.  This is cowardice and can’t be allowed to stand.

3. Andrew Shaw

Goalies are like virgins whose fathers are right inside the front door with a shotgun – don’t touch them, it’s not worth it.  Chicago’s Andrew Shaw collided with Phoenix netminder Mike Smith last night, helmet-to-helmet. Smith went down hard and stayed there for a long time.

Shaw got a five minute charging major, on which the Coyotes scored to take the lead.  He was ejected as well.  Smith eventually got right and stayed in the game… what?  He must have passed whatever on-ice tests are administered immediately following a hit to the head, but this looked like a mandatory trip to the quiet room.  I think a five + game should suffice as Smith wasn’t injured on the play.  The hearing is tomorrow.

What do you think?  More importantly, if they don’t get what the opposition feels they “deserve,” what happens in game three?

No question that’s a dirty play.  Daniel Sedin struggled back to the bench, played one more shift then went to the dressing room [link].  Keith got an elbowing minor and now everyone fully expects him to be suspended.

Shane Doan just got Shanabanned 3 games for elbowing Jamie Benn [link].  Mike Green served 3 games.  But this looks more like Rene Bourque’s hit on Nicklas Backstrom (grrrrrrrrr) that earned a 5-game suspension.  Both Borque and Doan are repeat offenders – this would be Keith’s first suspension.  (Green’s previous suspension was more than 18 months ago, so not classified as a repeat offender – link.)

The NHL has not yet announced a hearing, but with four days till the Hawks play again there is no rush.  Sedin will be re-evaluated today in Vancouver and any sustained injury considered in the case against Keith.  Henrik Sedin spoke after the game, saying Keith “did what he wanted to do” [link].

The Canucks are comfortably atop their Division and could still catch St. Louis for 1st in the West and the President’s Trophy [standings].  That dream takes a dive if they lose Sedin – their only 30-goal scorer on the year.  They play tomorrow night at Dallas.

Doan and Keith have both been publicly contrite about their hits [link], but who cares?  Time to start thinking before you get your elbows up, boys.  If you can’t do it for safety at least do it for your teams down the stretch.  But really, do it for safety.

But please, don’t use your feet to kick someone.  With your skate blade.  Which Skinner also did during the game against the Blues:

Skinner has been suspended two games for that genius maneuver.  Principal Shanahan explains… link.

When I see a kid in Target wailing and flailing on the floor in the cereal aisle, I think that I’d do that if it were socially acceptable.  But I don’t.  This is such a intern-level temper tantrum.  Maybe he was upset because we give Mike Green the “bad boy” slot in our NHL boyband.  Either way, Jeff needs a time out.

Well handled, Mr. Green.

Roman Hamrlik has replaced Mike in the last two games, and the Caps have won both. Unrelated, yes.  But lucky too because it takes away some of the sting when this could have put the Caps in a really bad spot.

Hopefully the Caps can get past the Islanders tomorrow night, then Mike will be back for Friday’s game in Winnipeg.  Super important stuff.

Can I be honest for a moment?  I got distracted by how completely effing perfect he is.  Didn’t hear a word he said, had to watch it again and again.  WUYS is on such a boy band-esque sugar high today that we need a slumber party full of pillow fights and ice cream.  You’re all invited and Mike would definitely attend.

And this won’t help.  Mike Green has been suspended three games.

I would be lying if I said the idea of Brendan Shanahan yelling at Mike on the phone didn’t give me the giggles.  I picture it like the principal yelling at the detention kids in The Breakfast Club.  Mike’s all of the guys, of course – the nerd, the jock and the bad boy with the soft heart.  He’d wear your earring, if not for that helmet.

Pooh Bear, why?  Keep your damned elbows down, this isn’t a Fall Out Boy emo pseudo-mosh pit!

So the Capitals will face Boston, Toronto and the NYI with Fidget on defense.  It’ll be Hamrlik or Erskine taking his place today.  I hope it’s Erskine – have you seen the Bruins?  Yikes.  I don’t want Troy Brouwer fighting all the Caps battles, because he scores 75% of their goals.

Godspeed to the Capitals today.  Chuck and her boys will show no mercy.

Immediately, commentators began fighting.  Some say Letang put himself in a vulnerable position.  Others are calling for Eric Nystrom’s suspension.  EJ Hradek of NHL Network says:

ESPN’s (former Foxy Friday) John Buccigross disagrees:

By far the best was Milbury and Jeremy Roenick about to take off their earrings and start slapping each other.  (Props to Milbury – WHAT?!?!? I know. – for recommending Bylsma tell Pierre to “take off, eh?” for being a tool.)  See the video at Deadspin.com [link].

Disco Dan says Kris is “day-to-day” at this point.  After the non-committal injury descriptions in hockey, I think DTD is my favorite un-phrase.

As you know (because you counted the days till he was back), Letang missed nearly two months this season after suffering a concussion on November 26.  The hit earned Montreal’s Max Paccioretty a 3-game ban, even though the Pens cleared Letang and he returned to play.  Almost a week of continuing symptoms later, Kris was finally diagnosed with a concussion.

Gratuitous hair photo.

Since returning to the ice, Kris has been the same BAMF that earned him the most write-in votes of any NHL’er for the 2011 All-Star Game and a spot on that starting lineup.  He has 9G/22A on the year, and is credited with raising the game of his d-partner Paul Martin (who is not James Neal’s girlfriend).

Gratuitous perfection photo.

The NHL has not announced if Nystrom will have a hearing.  So what’s your verdict?  Shanabanned or no?  Maybe the NHL could introduce a new system of punishment here – using the fans.  If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, you should see how she reacts when you take away her Letang.

This was bound to happen.

Twas only a matter of time until the “Lil’ Ball of Hate” aka “Squirrel” aka “Marshamont” did a bad, bad thing and got himself Shanabanned.

Brad Marchand - You've been SHANABANNED!

Marchand has been suspended for five games and will forfeit $152,439.02 for clipping Vancouver Canucks defenseman Sami Salo during  Saturday’s game.  Marchand will miss games vs. Winnipeg, Montreal (GAH!),  Carolina,  Florida and Tampa Bay.

Check out the Shanabanned explanation here.

Marchand, who also received a two-game suspension in March 2011, has been classified as a repeat offender (for shame!) under the terms of the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

SQUIRREL ANGRY!!

The thing about Marchand is that he’s like a little kid, constantly pushing his boundaries just to the limit.  It’s like “how far can I go and how many times can I annoy my parents before I get grounded and sent to my room with no supper”?

Marchand is young, aggressive, and he chirps ALOT.  He has the skill and speed to back it up, but that also leaves him a little bit undisciplined at times and prone to take some bad penalties, like the one against Salo.

Obviously this is a blow to the Bruins, as Marchand brings a certain level of intensity and a deft scoring touch, it by no means hurts the team’s chance to win those 5 games without him.

The Bruins are a deeeeeeeeeeeep team (especially at forward) and will shuffle the lines accordingly.   Beniot Pouliot will take Marchand’s place on the 2nd line with the Professor and Teen Wolf.  He’s filled in for Marchand before and has done an excellent job.   Zach Hamill will be called up from Providence and will center the 3rd line with Chris Kelly and Rich Peverley.

Like any true Bruins fan, I will defend my team till the death, but I’m totally okay with the league’s decision.  Do the crime.  Do the time.

5 Games. You feel shame.

My neighbors must think I’ve opened a truck stop for the mile-long string of extremely colorful expletives that came out of my mouth.  Bourque got an elbowing minor.  Nicky took two more shifts, then went off for “observation” and did not return to the game.  Coach Dale Hunter says they’ll know more today.

You hurt THIS FACE?! What is wrong with you?!

Shanny’s going to bust out his spray starch today and give Bourque a disciplinary hearing [link].  Bourque has already been suspended once this year – just 18 days ago (12/18)!  He got 2 games for boarding Brent Seabrook [video].  Apparently he’s only after guys with really great hair.

Nicky had 3 assists and was First Star.  Mike played 15 minutes and had 2 penalties – none of them for fighting the guy who decked his boyfriend.  The Caps beat the Flames 3-1 and have won their last 4 in a row.

If Nicky misses games… I can’t. I’m not going to say anything.  Mike just got back!  They need each other!  And I/we need them!  We’ll just play TSwift’s “Nothing I Do Better than Revenge” on a loop today and sharpen our claws.

It’s probably in poor taste (since when do we care?), but I was hoping for a Christmas-themed shirt or something from Shanny.  Little embroidered Santas?  Snowman lapel pin?  With all the time he’s spending in NY you think he’d soak up some Lundqvist style.

Eggo’s suspension begins tonight and troubles the already-taxed Penguins defensemen.  Kris Letang is still out with a concussion.  Paul Martin is listed as “questionable” for tonight vs. Winnipeg (leg injury).  The good news is that Ben “Girls Love”joy is back on the blue line and even had an assist Tuesday.   Pittsburgh has recalled Brian Strait from the AHL for reinforcements.  (Strait suffered a dislocated elbow in his only NHL game this season – 10/18 – but we’re not going to say that out loud.)

Video of the hit and ensuing fight with John Scott (if you can call it that) from Wednesday’s post [link].

At least Kid Rock looks excited.

Chicago beat Vancouver (ooh, say it again!) 5-2 with a couple of wacky bouncers.  Kaner, Hossa, Montador and Toews all had 2-point games.  And for anyone who didn’t cringe when we made Patrick Kane a Foxy Friday, he’s got a new One Goal commercial [link].

Brendan starched another shirt and Shanabanned Blues’ Chris Stewart three games for boarding Wings’ Niklas Kronwall.  This one’s ugly.

NHL.com used my favorite phrase as a headline.  Sadly it’s about Ilya Kovalchuk.  I watched this hoping actual pants would fall, but alas there is only a very pretty goal.

The Islanders introduced their third jerseys, which are pretty standard.  They’re worlds better than this yellow mess Nashville adopted, but no amount of fashion changes the fact you are still the Islanders (sorry).

The red-hot Bruins put their 6 game win streak on the line tonight vs. Blue Jackets.  Seguin’s on fire (Chuck loves) and leads the NHL in plus/minus rating with +15.  (Don’t mind EStaal down at the bottom with -18.)  Speaking of bottom of the barrel, Columbus is 3-13-1 with only 7 points on the season.  Now that I’ve said that, they’ll probably win.

Team Jacob

The Penguins are in Tampa Bay tonight and Sid will not play.  Errrrbody calm down (obviously I mean me).  Disco Dan would not comment on Saturday’s game – could Sid return?  I want him back this instant, but am also willing to await a triumphant debut in DC on 12/1 when I’m getting booed for wearing my 87 at Verizon Center.  It would be like a romantic comedy: Sid taking the ice, me dodging flying food, then Pens winning.  I can see it now.

James Neal will of course play tonight, and he’s got a 7-game point streak going (ties longest of his career).  JStaal has three goals in two games.  Stamkos and Neal are tied will 11 goals, and I like to think this means bromance rivalry.

Now boys, don't fight.

Only 8 hours 10 minutes till game time.

Yup, that one’s pretty obvious.

PS: How many white shirts do you think Brendan has?  Will he ever go nuts and wear a blue one?

Mr. Shanahan does not like it when you mess with our Foxy Friday honorees.

Not. One. Bit.

Click [here] for Shanabanned’s ruling. 

Oh, you wanted a shiny new Nealmobile highlight reel?  (No more rhyming and I mean it!).  Here it is, thanks to PensTV [link].

Smile. People will wonder what you're up to.

JStaal, Duper and Kunitz also scored and Brent Johnson was first star!  Tanger talked about his hearing and suspension, and about wearing multiple stripe patterns in bold colors like a BOSS [link].  If this is Detention, I might have to start breaking rules.

Side note: Max Talbot got his first goal of the season in the Flyer’s 7-2 rout of Ottawa.   Still miss you, Superstar.

Shanny calls out that Burmistrov maintains his course and Kris finishes the check without trying to minimize impact.  He also cites Tanger’s fine in April of last year for a boarding call.

Kris thinks not.

He will miss tonight’s game vs. Minnesota and Thursday against Montreal.  That’s sad – it’s his hometown team.  Letang will be back in the lineup on Saturday when the Penguins host the Devils.

So… fair?  Unfair?  It’s Shanahan’s first suspension of the regular season, but he proved in pre-season that he’s not shy about sending guys to the suite.  It certainly achieves his goal of sending a strong message.  I do agree that Kris could have mitigated the contact and not finished the check on Burmistrov so hard – he doesn’t try to slow down or stop.  So if that’s the rule, if that’s what it takes to keep guys safe then so be it.  It’s going to be a long season.