John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

Just when you think it's over…#FLAvsNYI #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/hoetdpkeEI

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

Then John wins the game in double OT – which is waaaaaay past his bedtime, y’all.

John Tavares IS Captain Clutch. #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/sKMZzymhJv

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

Internally screaming

Disclaimers:

Chuck: I have watched some Western Conferences games this year, but those 10pm start times are killers. My predictions are based off:  the games I HAVE watch; NHL Network, what I’ve read about the teams, and Ms. Cleo.

Pants: I need to be honest here for a second. Can I vote for the Oilers? No? Then I don’t know anything about the West. I will predict – I may even have emotions – but everything I think about the Western Conf. is learned from reading other predictions or the final NHL standings. Basically, I am cheating off all your tests.

western conference

Blues vs. Wild

Chuck: Blues. But maybe the Wild?  Wild have been the best team in the NHL since January and the exceptional play of Devan Dubnyk has carried them through, but the Blues have a sniper in Tarasenko and a deep corps of forwards and defenseman. This one is a conundrum, for sure.

Pants: Blues. They always seem to be giving my teams a hard time, so this year will be not different. Also, BORT’S BEARD! I needs it.

Lindsay’s favorite photo.

Predators vs. Blackhawks

Chuck: Predators. I’m going out on a limb for this one but just hear me out. Preds’ defensemen make an in so many ways and Weber and Josi are a stellar 1-2 punch. James Neal, when he is in the zone, can score goals that other guys just can’t. Hawks’ defense has been meh of late and Crawford can’t do it without good players in front of him.

Pants: Probably the Predators, because they’ve been rock solid all season. Also, I have Gingerbeard withdrawal something fierce. The Hawks have had their ups-and-downs, though they are getting Patrick Kane back right on cue to make me eat these words.

Ducks vs. Jets

Chuck: Ducks.  Ducks has strength on pretty much all four lines and if their forechecking is on point, they are probably one of the best in the league. Paul Maurice has changed slowly changed the identity and culture of the Jets but they aren’t quite there…yet.  But I wouldn’t be mad at ALL if the Jets pulled this upset off.

Pants: Ducks. If you’ve never watched Bruce Boudreau coach, please take this opportunity. If he was an iso-cam feed during games, I would never need to see the ice.

Canucks vs. Flames

Chuck: Flames. I don’t have a dog in this fight since the Bruins are out so I am looking for a team to adopt.  Maybe the Flames are it. So what that they haven’t won a playoff round since 2004 (when the lost in the SCF)?  Great coach in Bob Hartley, a hugely successful powerplay and their ability to win without Giordano might make the Flames a dark horse.

Pants: When I go to horse races, I bet on whichever horse has the best drag queen name. (So far, Surly Temple is the all-time favorite.) So when I say I can’t pick a team in this series, know how deeply and truly I do not care. I seem to have a lot of Canuck fan friends though, and I wish them well.

Comment below and let us know your predictions.  Who’s your dark horse team?

Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

He’s the cool dad.

My dad also started commenting on everyone’s beards.  Maybe he wants to blog for us. Or maybe the power of the playoff beard is just so great that no one can resist.  I should know better than to look right at it for 2.5 hours.  Now, from a level of crazy I can’t excuse:

Foxy Friday: Derick Brassard

Part-time model

(Somewhere Chuck just fell out of her chair.)

I have a hot date with a Dierks Bentley concert tonight, so I won’t be watching the game, but let’s pretend for a minute Derick is not a Ranger.  Or still in the playoffs.  Heaven help me if this Foxy Friday propels them to a  comeback, I will never forgive myself.  Yet we must call a spade a spade – or in this case, a fox a fox.  Right?

Perfect board definition

His beard is scrambling my brain.  As we said on Puck Daddy, it makes him look even more like Keanu Reeves, only less hipster-homeless-as-art and more… cuddly.

John Moore, maroon with navy is a big gamble.

Derick came over to Rangers with John Moore and Derek Dorsett in the trade for Marian Gaborik.  That is not working out for the NYR at the moment, unless you figure they got three playoff beards for the price of one.  Derick & Co. joined Rick Nash and should start a band called Th CBJ Relocation Program.

Derick talking to his agent about a solo career.

Brass is 26, which surprised me, and from Quebec, which surprises no one.  He had a career-high 18 goals this season.  In 22 playoff games, he has 6 G/6A.

Only 61 people have liked Derick via NHL.com on Facebook – get on that, y’all.  I checked Henrik and he’s got 9,100.  (Crosby = 16,000, justsaying.)

In addition to making the Stanley Cup Final, from which the Rangers will not be swept, Derick is good at other things.  We already talked about his bike riding:

Am I tan yet?

He can also play baseball:

You should see my baseball pants.

Carry your groceries:

In winter, I shovel snow.

Be skeptical about Capitals hockey:

Really? These guys?

Admit his haircut could be better:

High School Musical

Look good without trying:

Fashion sneakers vs. function sneakers

And look good with trying:

Got enough room there, Ry?

While I’m admitting some Rangers are attractive, I might as well give you guys my diary, PIN numbers and confess we missed a bromance.  A great one.  Now it’s gone forever but we’ll always have Mats Zuccarrello’s Instagram.

Scenic route

V-necks for North Americans, Norwegians prefer crew.

Indoors is just an excuse for arms.

Ah ah, you faltered there for a second, didn’t you?  Distracted by MDZ’s curls? Perhaps I need to remind you that Derick speaks French.

Video: RDS – Derick Brassard dans l’Antichambre

Whew.  My high school French is crap but that’s 11:31 of heaven.

It’s the accent.

NO.  As in no, he’s not single, but also NO RANGERS.  These are the rules!

Okay, one more exception – in English this time:

In their first game as Rangers, Brassard and Moore arrived 15 minutes before warm-ups… then Derick had a goal and 3 assists in their 6-1 win over Pittsburgh.  Of course it was Pittsburgh, placed 90% of the way through this post to remind me I hate myself.

Yeah, we get it.

(Un-)Fun fact: Brassard’s ’08 season ended after a fight with fellow rookie James Neal.  Derick took six straight punches, dislocated his shoulder and required surgery.  He’d been tops in rookie scoring at that early date (Dec. 18).  Bet Brass remembered this when they knocked out the Pens this season:

There you have it:  Foxy Friday: New York Rangers are Still in the Playoffs Edition.  Will it all end tonight?  Can Jonathan Quick do this again?

If any teams knows comebacks are possible…

Only if I haven’t jinxed everything.

Can you blame her?

Need help with that sunscreen?

Reminder: Chris Kreider went to BC.  See also: I hate myself.

The Rangers took to the beach in Venice to shake off their Game 1 OT loss and work on their tans.  Pale guys with beards – that’s what playoff hockey is all about.

I thought this was Mike Richards for a second.

I hope at least one guy visited the $5 psychic who told me my entire, very specific future on this boardwalk.  So far, she’s been freakishly right about a lot of things.

She must have given Girardi bad news.

I also hope everyone was wearing buckets of SPF 50.  Remember when Malkin had to sit out a Pens game due to “upper body injury” after an off-day in Florida?  You don’t want to be peeling during the pre-game skate.

Derek Dorsett’s first day out, but Pouliot looks mid-July already.

Chris Krieder-inspired self-loathing aside, the best part of these photos is the conversation I imagined between Brian and Marc:

(Foreshawdowing – note the knee-length shorts.)

Boyle: Was that…?

Ginger Staal: Yes.

Boyle: Was he…?

Ginger Staal: Yup.

As Mats Zuccarello rides by…

Maximum tan surface area

In North American fashion, a guy would wear these shorts under other shorts.  Not so in Europe.  As the first Norwegian to play in a Stanley Cup Final, Zuccarello owns this look – which would get him sent home from Catholic school because his shorts don’t reach his extended fingertips.

Hey, it’s LA.  If you’ve got it, flaunt it.  I can see the US Weekly cover photo and headline: Zach Galifianakis shows off amazing new beach bod!

Thanks to Pam (@sunnyinnj) for sending these over.  She loves trying to make me like guys I think I hate.

We all know that I hate the Rangers, but I am surprised to admit that I don’t hate them enough to hope they lose this series.  It could be because I do not care about the Kings at all.  Perhaps it’s residual emotional instability from being so dedicated to my own hockey team all year – when they are out, it’s like I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee for the summer.  If other people want to voluntarily stay in school, rock on.

So, who to root for in the 2014 Stanley Cup Final?  My answer is no one.  A great many of my friends are Rangers fans – and a few people I’ve known for 19 years who’ve never said jack about hockey suddenly became Rangers fans in the past week.  They must’ve just missed out on 1994.  There will be no scrolling through the Facebook timeline for me, but I wish those die-hard Rangers fans luck.  (For your own good, not your team’s, and really we need to talk about your life choices.)

On the Kings side, we also have a few resident fans.  Best of luck to you, too.  It’s possible my Rangersrage will surface and I’ll be cheering LA to victory – but they won’t succeed, not if I’m on board.   You’re better off if I stay out here sunbathing in the yard.

I may watch a game to two, and I’ll almost definitely probably watch the Cup be awarded because it’s not the Cup’s fault I find this Final boring as crap.  This will be the year I don’t cry though.  Go on and try me.

Are you guys in or out on this Final?  Freedom or four more wins required?  We should get some of you to write about it, because unless Chuck is watching Rick Nash, it’s time to break into all the posting material we save for summer.

Winning makes me cuter.

I like the Hawks a lot, and they bailed me out of some frustrated west coast years when I couldn’t watch Eastern Conference teams.  But it’s not the same, cheering for someone you like when someone you love is out of the running.

Glorious, I’m sure.

That said, I do enjoy watching hockey when it isn’t trying to kill me.  Yesterday I took three (3!) separate cat naps during the Hawks/Kings game and I still didn’t miss a single goal.  This may be my superpower.  Or my dream life, where I am a princess who gets to watch hockey all day without performing peasant tasks like standing up or walking around.  That’s so basic.

Perhaps I could get a butler – anyone know a few unemployed guys?

Could you repeat the job description?

[Insert creeper photo of Crosby sleeping on a plane yesterday that I can’t bring myself to post, but I certainly will point at –> HERE.  I hope he made it to Nova Scotia in time to see @alisonsykora.  Also note, I was not the only one sleeping during the game.]

The Blackhawks won 3-1.  Jonathan Toews is a marvel of modern leadership and ability.  I get so in awe of him that I picture Crosby climbing the telephone pole outside to cut my cable wires.  After his nap.

Hossa and Saad each had two points.  It certainly wasn’t a one-sided game though: the Kings outshot the Hawks and 6 of their 26 came from Jeff Carter.  It’s shaping up to be a great series and better rematch of last year’s WCF, which Chicago took 4-1.  After all, this time they’re playing for pizza.

Full funny Twitter exchange here.

Meanwhile, Saturday on the east coast, the Rangers beat the Habs 7-2.  Rick Nash finally scored (NYR goal #7, totally clutch).  The Rangers’ power play that went o-for-350 in the first two rounds (okay, 0-for-32-ish) had three PPG.  I don’t know how this happened and I don’t care, but I hope it never happens again.  Chuck enjoyed herself though.  Game two is tomorrow night – I will try to stay awake.

NHL.com has 236 photos of this game.  I’d rather watch 236 hours of the surgery channel.  Luckily in photo #1, this woman’s face:

Put on your war paint.

In non-hockey related news, the Rangers and some of the Tampa Bay Lightning attended Martin St. Louis’ mother’s funeral yesterday [link].  Such a sad story, it’s heartening to see so much support from his friends and teammates.  Not the photogs though, the idea of paparazzi at a funeral is gross.

Ugh.

For starters, I hate the Rangers with a passion that you can’t understand unless you’re in your 24th year of hating a team with a fire of a thousand suns.  1990 was the year I did two things: became a hockey fan and decided I hate the NYR.  I am from New York, mind, and while I also hate the Yankees I was, as a child, setting myself up for a lifetime of “Whaaaaaaaaat?” from family and friends.  I don’t even respond.  One look of disgust is all they get from me.  If you never chanted  “1940!”, it’s tough to comprehend.  (Some of you can maybe claim longer.)  The Rangers beat the Capitals what seems like every year – and now this.  This is a particular hell for me, just so you’re aware.  If you’ve hated anything as long as I’ve hated the Rangers that was not a vegetable your parents tried to feed you in puree form, I applaud your staying power.

UFA yaaaas.

When I was in 7th grade, I went on a family ski vacation to VT with my BFF – a Rangers fan. Turns out I had a stress fracture and my doctor said no skiing. The only thing to do for a week?  Sit in the lodge and read some awful Rangers biography. In 1996, my high school boyfriend, a Rangers fan, won a bet and made me wear a Rangers jersey for a day.  There’s a picture of miserable me in our yearbook.

How many times do we have to tell you?

Secondly, I hate repeating myself.  But this Game 7, in which then Pens outshot the Rangers 250 million to one, is the very reason you cannot have a Game 5 or 6 like the Penguins did.  Last year it sank them too.  There are games where you lose, and there are games where you get beaten, like tonight.  Lundqvist goes ASDFGHJKL!@#$%^&&*()  and you cannot win.  Nothing you could have done, nothing you didn’t try.  That is why you don’t beat yourselves, particularly in the first ten minutes of an elimination game like Games 5 or 6.  This isn’t a genie in a bottle, Xtina.  This shit does not show up when you call it’s name, Pittsburgh.  You had your chances for two games: you were nowhere, you lost.  Tonight, you were HERE and you got beaten.  Those are different circumstances.  We’ve all had good nights and bad nights, we’ve all lost.  They are not the same.

36 shots. 1 goal.

My last and final point is this: I LOVE THIS TEAM.  Fuck everyone, I love the Penguins.  There is also a difference between hope and expectation.  I hope to win every year.  I don’t expect it.  Anyone who’s been around 24+ years (Old Lady Land) knows better.  Winning is… magic.  It’s impossible.  It’s so many factors times so many obstacles divided by so many things that could never have happened, expect for that time that they did and it was in your favor.

“It’s a self-preservation thing.”

Winning is ephemeral and impossible and that, more than any blood, sweat and tears, is what makes winning special.  I felt it in ’09 when the Pens won the first round.  I felt it in ’10 when the Blackhawks won the second round.  I am not always right – far from it – but ask people who watched the Kings in 2012.  MAGIC.  They had it.  Watching that was intoxicating and addictive.  It’s what I look for now.  I want to see it every year.  But I don’t.  Contrary to all the evidence, I do not actually control the universe.  James Neal will remove his Gingerbeard and retire to a summer of white Ferrari cruises and tight t-shirts.  Sidney Crosby will shave off his first-ever respectable beard-type-thing and recluse for an off-season of pretending no one saw his girlfriend in the stands in Sochi or NY.  Bless their hearts, as they prepare to come back in October and do it again.  So will I.

Next year

I don’t believe in burning a team because they lost.  I have always been puzzled by the tradition of firing a coach, since they are the only person who cannot go out and score. This is not to say I don’t identify strengths and weaknesses in the Penguins’ system – or any team.  I do.  I critique.  But blind criticism is another thing and beware, Pens fans who were derided in a late-season article that called us “joyless.”  We are in danger of becoming that.  Entitled, expectant, the celebutantes of hockey.  The Yankees fans of hockey.  The only thing I hate more than the Rangers is the Yankees… it is a complicated life for this Upstate New Yorker.

Love, hate, it’s a fine line.

Luckily, there are a lot of Pens hockey fans (look at me, being generous in depair) who know what hockey is: love and loss and loving through loss.  So many of the people who read and comment or Tweet us restore my faith in hockey humanity on a daily basis.  You guys are the best.  Whether it’s a stupid joke about a turtle or a comment, that some find derisive but I find clever, about someone’s sass or face or post-game comment, you guys give me everything I need to stay with hockey year after year.  Teams lose.  I get disappointed.  I get angry even, and I want change.  I want wingers and no injuries and confident goalies and to clean up acts.  But more than anything, more than winning, I want you guys – my friends – to be part of this every year.  I want to be talking to you in May, or June, or even ending in April. Saying goodbye or saying “great job.”  You’re it, for me.

Hockey fans

Writing this blog is my favorite thing.  My daily (if I can make it that often) highlight.  It’s also a lot of freaking work.  My job… well, if they ever put in one of those internet time trackers, we are sunk, WUYS fans.  I wish every one of you could start your own blog and I would read it, comment and rejoice in the free time it leaves me.  But I write this because I love it and I love you guys – even the Rangers fans.  Yes you.  Teams aside, we are each other’s people.  You know what it’s like to be called “that girl/guy who loves hockey.”  My husband is a chef, and someone at his restaurant the other night told him, “You look like this hockey player, this guy Sidney Crosby.”  My husband said, “Yeah, so my wife says.”  But me?  I said, “Who is this person and do they want to be my best friend for life?!”  I almost chased a girl with Carolina Hurricanes license plate frames out of the parking garage at work yelling, “Here’s my number!!!”  So for those of you I’ve had the pleasure to meet in real life and those of you I have yet to meet, you’re the reason.  I want to win for you as much as for myself, and while I hate your teams, I know you love them.  I feel you. Thanks for being here with us through all of this and next year, well… I still hope the Pens kick your pansy asses.  But I know you’re thinking, “Right back atcha.”  Don’t let the haters get you down.  Don’t listen when the media (which someone once called us and I laughed till I cried) pretend they know better than you.

Suck it., 24 hour news cycle and Twitter.

My text messages are blowing up – think I’ll drop my phone in the bathtub.  See you in September.  Or when Southern Ontario gets to Instagramming this summer.

Love (and maybe a little wine), Pants

Signed. Me

PS: Let the record show I wrote this from a suite at the Ritz, for work, and near bottom of a bottle.  Thus my sympathies are such as they might not be otherwise.  Both for myself and for others (see: Rangers fans).  But hey, that’s hockey.  Time for a summer vacation for myself, I think.

#IsItOctoberYet

It was another good night at Camp Pants, but let’s not get too excited yet.  I mean, in-game it’s fine to look like this picture I found by searching “Gibbons gif:”

Thanks, internet.

It’s exactly what Penguins’ fans looked like after the gif I really wanted:

Thanks, as always, @myregularface.

He meant to do that, right?  The fantastic Brian “Cookie Van” Gibbons, who almost wrote his own short joke by scoring shorthanded?  Instead he served it up for BSutts and maximum @alisonsykora reaction.

I celebrated with half a pizza and some chicken wings, because I am American.

Single serving

The Pens had the upper hand all night long, increasing their hold as the game wore on and avoiding the too-common whirlpools of stupidity that have allowed opponents back into so many games.  There was quite a lot of doom-speaking from the commentators about the NYR… “lowest point of the year” and so on.  They said it, not I.  I learn too many superstitious lessons during playoffs, only to forget them all summer long.

The one time James Neal’s face isn’t my favorite face.

The Rangers were held to 15 shots all game.  Four of those came from Rick Nash, who is pushing so hard he’s going to end up in the zamboni tunnel one of these shifts.  That Mats Zuccarello is is quite good, I will begrudgingly admit.

This is my happy face.

Who else is in beastmode?  Malkin-Crosby-Kunitz.  They combined for nine shots, five points and Sid won 67% of his faceoffs.  I do so love Malkin/Crosby together – when they are clicking it’s great fun to watch.   Back in Pittsburgh Friday night it’ll be even more possible to keep them on-ice when Girardi and McDonaugh are off.

Fashion baby.

We still need one more win, of course.  Let’s not call something over until there is no more pizza to eat.

It was almost a luxury to have only one game last night, because how else am I supposed to catch up on Game of Thrones?  Back to the grind tomorrow, as the Bruins try to even their series with Montreal and the Kings look to win a 7th straight and go up 3-0 on Anaheim.  Anyone think the Ducks are getting back in it?

Side note: Sansa, you are an insufferable wet rag.  More Arya, please.

Sansa would never make it through playoffs.

Rick Nash’s “no” face.

Fleury throws another shutout, Pens lead Rangers 2-1

MAF had his second shutout in as many days, standing on his head at times to keep the NYR off the board in Game 3.  Not bad for a goalie who has playoff confidence problems, right?

Prancercize

In case you tuned in late to the game and heard 47:26 of dead air, that’s because CROSBY SCORED (!!!!)  in the first period and the commentators had nothing else to talk about.

Talking.  Who needs talking when you have… goals.  I was going to say goals.

High score

Sid’s goal was set up by a long, beautiful pass from Robert Bortuzzo.  This advertisement paid for by @alisonsykora.

Hoodie by lululemon

The Rangers have played a ton of hockey in the past two weeks, so today gap gives them much needed rest.  Personally, I hope there is construction in all of their luxury condo buildings until Game 4 on Wednesday night.  I made a lot of this delicious chicken mushroom farro risotto, if you want to come over.

Here’s Sid post-game on PensTV, and post-game with Pierre leaning in on NBC Sports.  Can’t blame the guy, honestly.

This hair. I love playoffs.

Kings win again, go up 2-0 over Ducks

So far this series can be summed up with one headline from LATimes.com:

Understated elegance

Marian Gaborik scored 34 seconds into last night’s game.  The NBC announcers were barely in their seats before the puck was in the net.  After his last-minute tying goal in Game 1, then the OT winner, Gaborik sure is “fitting in” – so well I bet he got randomly drug tested during first intermission (probably by someone from the Blue Jackets).  He is on fire, and so are the Kings.  This is their sixth straight win.  Jonathan Quick is playing like he did in their Cup run.  Hell, they had Jeff Schultz on D last night and they still won!

Marian Gaborik vs. The World

Down 2-0 in a series is not really “must win.”  If anyone proved that, it was the Kings in R1.  But the Ducks are reeling.  History may be destined to repeat itself but if Anaheim doesn’t win in GM3, I don’t think another legendary 0-3 comeback is happening so soon.

Look out behind you.

Tonight it’s Bruins vs. Habs in the battle for a 2-1 series lead, followed by the Hawks quest to go up 3-0 over the Wild.  Are you surviving?  How is anyone getting any sleep?  Who washed my Toews shirt on hot so it shrank into a size only James Neal would wear?  I think I need a break.  Even Pierre is off tonight – 20 games in 20 nights?  Big deal.  We’ve watched at least 40.

Penguins and Rangers series tied 1-1

The Pens had a shaky first period Friday night and got themselves down 2-0 like they think every game needs to be crazy a la Round 1.  No thank you – because it doesn’t always work.  The Rangers won in OT.  Just as well I was on a Twitter ban and only talking to Alison.

Sad Brad scored on his birthday. I hope his ice cream cake melted.

Last night, I was at a dinner and trying not to check the score.  Go home and watch the whole game, right?  Ha!  Zero will power.  I did pass my phone around the table for independent verification of the score, then had more celebratory sangria.  I watched the game afterward – fast-forwarding through Pens’ penalties, which was pretty much the entire first period.  Nisky for roughing – in hindsight, I can love that.

Incoming Geno hug

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Still no goals for Crosby or Nash.  (See what I did there? I almost hope you don’t, it’s so bad.)  At this rate, they’ll find that missing plane before one of these guys scores.

Want to see my Art Ross Trophy?

Blackhawks lead Wild in series 2-0

Friday night’s game was tied 2-2 until Patrick Kane decided it was time for this goal:

If this blog had audio, I’d whistle.  That’s so good it’s worth another goal, which Kaner scored 8+ minutes later to put the Hawks up 4-2 and shut the door (won 5-2 on an EN).  Sunday afternoon, playoff hero Bryan Bickell extended his point streak to five games with 1G and 2A.  Remember how many points he had last year?  17 (9G, 9A) in 23 games.  He’s got eight points in eight games so far this post-season.

Must. Have. Points.

Patrick Sharp didn’t have any points in the game (he had 1A on Friday), but he wore these shorts and we think that counts for something.

Somewhere Toews can’t find his shorts.

Bruins and Canadiens tied 1-1

After PK Subban’s double-OT winner last week, the Habs were up one game to none.

BeardWatch

Remember Boston lost the first game of the last series too, then adjusted and won four straight.  They got back on that track with a come-from-behind 5-3 victory Saturday, which I watched from the elliptical runner at the gym.  I can go a lot of miles fueled by my dislike for Brad Marchand.  That said, four unanswered goals in the third period (one EN) made the B’s look more dominant that the scoreboard showed.

“Ha, little man.”

Kings take first game, lead Ducks 1-0

I wish this series could be weekends-only, so I could stay up for every game.  It was worth the late night Saturday – I caught just the 3rd and OT – to see Marion Gaborik tie the game with seven seconds left.

God, that is SO exciting when it’s a) your team or b) you don’t care who wins!  Gaborik scored again in OT.  I still have the Ducks taking this series, but the Kings are going to make me look stupid every time I don’t pick them.

Five in a row, and counting.

Tonight the Penguins and Rangers are back at it, this time in NYC, and I will be glued to the TV and (trying to stay) signed out of Twitter.   Late night it’s Game 2 of Kings vs. Ducks.  It promises to be really exciting and also excellent for your productivity at work tomorrow.

Must… watch… hockey…

We bid Round 1 farewell with this announcement: I am no longer 100% right. Thanks for nothing, Avs and Sharks!

Current predictions score: Pants – 6 of 8, Chuck – 4 of 8

Rangers do one thing for me, beat Flyers in series: 4-3

When the Flyers are knocked out of the playoffs, regardless of year, other teams or life in general, I have a moment of bliss.

Bubbz always.

The Rangers came out strong in GM7, then got back on their heels while the Flyers surged late.  Sound like any other hockey teams I know?!  King Henrik was the difference maker yet again.  New York will get one day of rest and of my gratitude, then it’s back to work and hating them Friday night in Pittsburgh.

Admiring his own face on the Jumbotron.

In other breaking news: Rick Nash has no playoff goals. This is apparently the only Rangers storyline available so tell your friends. It will be broadcast continually on sister station Radio Crosby.

For the record, I do hate the Rangers more than the Flyers.

God, that is a thin line.

But I’d rather the Pens play the Rangers in R2. The Flyers bring out the Pens’ most infuriating problem – composure – while playing Pittsburgh seems to ignite Philly’s tenacity.  The Rangers are no easier opponent but at least it will (hopefully) be the Penguins playing, not Hurricane Neal and the Tantrums. Watch me hate this decision later.

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

There’s only one reason for us to miss the Flyers in May.  Give it a moment, then move on.

Maybe he’ll grow a summer beard.

Wild take it to OT, take series from Avs: 4-3

Game 7 overtime?  Someone hold my hair back.  The Wild got there with a goal at the 17:33 mark of the third, and it only took 5 minutes of OT to put the Avs away.   Nino Niederreiter, who sounds like an imaginary friend at a tea party, had two goals including the OT winner.  Listen to the clang off the backbar.

Yowza.  This is the first time the Wild have gotten past R1 in 10 years.  The Wild have this headline and I confess I laughed (just once):

I hear a rimshot.

We’ll miss the Avs kids who were having a blast out there, but MacKinnon, Gabe and the boys have many years of playoff hockey ahead of them.  Gabe’s beard though… bummer.

Sad first, then shower and selfie.

Kings win 4 in a row, collapse Sharks series: 4-3

Sharks gonna shark.  There are so many bad jokes – Sharks get bitten! – but the worst of all is San Jose’s record of playoff choking.  That said, we should have all picked the Kings because they know how to win 4 in a row (and then some) in pursuit of post-season glory.  Plus their bandwagon fans are famous and sparkly, and the NHL could use a few entertainment column inches.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

You should hug Sharks fans today – that was eviscerating. Sweep? Sucks. Reverse sweep?

Come back with carbs.

Round 2 starts tonight, with the Bruins and Canadiens (and Chuck) asking everyone else what took so long.  Typical dates, we’re never ready when they come to pick us up!  This series is going to be like the holidays with family – everyone knows each other, hates each other and every old crime comes out in a stress-spolsion.

Save us a good seat, okay?

Elevator to Chuck’s party.

Penguins take years off my life, defeat Blue Jackets in series: 4-2

What are we supposed to do?  NOT hope for leads because they get snatched away? NEVER want a power play for fear of giving up a shorty?  I don’t know which end is up except the Penguins won so hallelujah.  Columbus played their pants off and boy, were they having fun right up till that final buzzer sounded.

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

I will say nice things about them in the off-season.  You guys can say them now. They’ll all be true and I won’t read them because I am busy going to Round 2.  The Pens found some dominance in Games 5 and 6 – even if they didn’t hold it for 60 minutes, it felt good to know it’s still there.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

Besides CBJ, the off-season isn’t so bad.  Ask the Stars:

Source: Instagram, Instagram

Is there an Instagram filter called “Leg Hair” used on Seguin?  Also, is it weird the thing I’m most envious about in these photos are that it’s warm enough to wear shorts?  This winter has ruined me.  I digress.

Back to business: In case you missed it, Sidney Crosby has no goals. Maybe you didn’t hear last night’s commentators repeating it like a rosary or you failed to see the hilltop bonfires lit to spread the news from town to town.  It’s like the scene in 101 Dalmatians where every dog in London barks at the same time.

Yes, Captain.

The only real question is: how many goal-less playoff games until Superstitious Sid tosses the yellow Crocs?  (Answer: Never. They are hideously fun, so be glad for them. He could have gotten black ones.)

Silly, his black Crocs are for formal occasions only.

Brooks Orpik, it takes a man to stand front and center in pink-on-pink businesswear. Or, since it’s probably designer, salmon-on-salmon.  Elle Woods Approved.  Taylor Pyatt’s back there looking perfectly pastel acceptable in lavender and it’s no mistake Megna’s standing up front in that outfit. Just a mistake to stand next to Borts, the handsomest Penguin you’ve never heard of.

Only one beautifully bracketed addition today.  Everybody else is headed for a one-game cage match.  We’re going to need beer and bandages.

Day 14

Wild: 5; Avalanche: 2 [Series tied 3-3]

The Wild and Avalanche (two of the three NHL teams whose names are not plural) were locked at 2 goals a piece for nearly 30 breathless minutes.  Finally, with his second goal of the night and powered by chocolate milk, Zach Parise scored the goal Minnesota paid him $98 million over 13 years to score.  Well not the only goal, but you’ve got to get the first one first.  Add in two Wild ENs because Patrick Roy loves to pull goalies early and Minny forces this series back to Denver for Game 7.  My money is still on the Avs, but it’s not $98 million worth.

Kings: 4; Sharks: 1 [Series tied 3-3]

Three in a row – done. Why not four? The Kings scored three goals in 2:46 to break this game open and fuel what could be an historic comeback in playoff hockey.

Only three NHL teams have ever pulled off a four-straight resurrection [great stats on 0-3 comebacks].  Usually fans of the trailing team start fantasizing about this at the end of Game 3.  The last time I was still talking about it after Game 6?  Red Sox/Yankees, 2004 ALCS.  Chuck and I know it can be done.  The Kings clearly do too.  But the Sharks?  They’ll need to reset their heads and play like they were, not like they are.

Ask for Thursday off now, Wednesday is going to be a late one.

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it.

Tonight now means more to me than ever.

Rangers at Flyers – Game 6.  You know what I’m going to do? Root for the Rangers.  Though I’d be fine with PHI taking this to seven and then losing, it’s a little too close.  I would rather Pens/NYR in Round 2. Pittsburgh showed composure in R1 through plenty of tough situations, so I have faith they can hold it.  Just something about the Flyers brings out the worst in me them… but GAH I kind of want to play the Flyers, I ADMIT IT!  BLOOD AND FIRE!

Someone should check on me later.

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

gif by sportsblogging.tumblr.com

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

Screw you, Day Eight.

Last night I was very PANIC! AT THE DISCO.  I feel a little better this morning , so allow me to re-edit my thoughts.

Blue Jackets: 4; Penguins: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

Listen, Fleury has been the Penguins’ best player all series.  Sometimes he is their only player actually playing.  So much has been said over the years about his fragile confidence that I want to sucker punch a sportscaster in the junk.  Last night the Penguins played a  great 20 minutes, followed by what felt like a 40 minute penalty kill.  So after an endless amount of this:

There was a single, slow motion, crash zoom moment of this:

With 24 seconds left in the game and a 1 goal lead.  And then overtime.  And then the Penguins lost.  Series tied.

expletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletiveexpletive

There is no reason, no why.  But if I had a dollar for every time I yelled, “STAYINYOURNETFLOWER!” I’d be blogging from a private island where Chris Evans brings me cake between rounds of shirtless push-ups.  So there is also no surprise.  It’s a flabbergasting and inexplicable mistake, I don’t think Flower himself would argue against that.

Yet it was made by the man who’s been holding everyone else’s crap together for nearly four games.  I hate that this happened to Flower – it’s like a bad rumor making itself true.  His job is to make saves, not carry the team.  If those things are one and the same sometimes, so be it.  Blame falls far and wide for how the Penguins even ended up in this situation.  In that way, Fleury is lucky.  If Scuderi had made a mistake this costly?  Riots.  Letang?  WAR.

That it’s Flower is both the best and worst thing for a team that has no choice but to rebound Saturday night.  Fleury will get a chance to prove, in real time, that he is not the fall apart mess people say.  He’s a great goalie.  The damage is done.  We’re asking him to forget it and move on so let’s do the same, yeah?  Let’s have faith, and please don’t let it be the delusionally misguided playoff kind.  If these guys need their backs against the wall to win battles and outplay their opponent, well they’ve got their chance.  (#PensInSix)

Stars: 4; Ducks: 2 [Series tied 2-2]

On a night when Ryan Getzlaf was out with an upper-body injury and Teemu Selanne was a healthy scratch, Game 4 in Dallas promised to be exciting.  Like final whistle line brawl exciting.

The Ducks were unhappy after Game 3, where they felt the Stars were running Ryan Getzlaf because of his injured face. [link]  Dallas’ Ryan Garbutt broke the leg of Anaheim’s Stephane Robidas in a play for the puck [Garbutt apologized, Robidas accepted: link].  There’s history now and bad blood.  The Stars scored four unanswered goals and the Ducks are in a bit of a panic after being ousted in the first round last year.  Regardless, all fights should have streamers.

Jamie Benn had another goal.  That’s all you really wanted to know, right?

Blackhawks: 4; Blues: 3 [Series tied 2-2]

It wouldn’t the Blackhawks if it didn’t take overtime.  They blew a two goal lead in the first.  The Blues had plenty of chances to extend their lead but could not convert.  Brian Bickell tied the game with under four minutes left in regulation.  Then in overtime, which they’ve needed three of the four games in this series, Patrick Kane:

Because Jess is a good person who loves the Blackhawks, she wanted to be sure you didn’t miss Captain I’m Fun Now doing post-game press in his booty shorts [video].

Now all of these series are new again.  They’ve done the homework, there are no surprises left.  Chicago and Dallas are on the upswing while Pittsburgh could certainly use a fresh start.  Everyone knows exactly what it will take to win a Best of Three.  Give yourself a day (two if you’re the Penguins, whose practice this morning was cancelled) and when this resumes we will fight not to the death.  No no, our losers have to watch someone else steal their dream.  As always we fight:

Penguins: 4, Blue Jackets 3 [Pens lead series 2-1]

This game started and an instant later the Jackets had scored two goals.  Okay, maybe it took 3:18, but it felt like a heartbeat.  The Penguins were not ready, not willing and not at all able while I just watched like:

It continued into the second period.  Pittsburgh shot total multiplied exponentially but nothing got past Bobrovsky.  They had 257 power plays – alright 6; the CBJ were throwing themselves into the box – but converted on zero.  This from the NHL’s #1 regular season PP!  When I tell you I yelled, “The next person who blows a drop pass coming into the zone gets my foot up his ass!” I mean I was loud.

Finally Brooks Orpik (ofallpeopleexceptLetangmewlingdeath!!) scored in the last gasp of the 2nd period.

And of course, the Jackets got it right back to start the third.

Only I didn’t leave.  I sent my Patronus away so it wouldn’t have to watch but I am not strong enough to resist.  Then the Penguins scored.

1:10 later they scored again.

1:03 after that they scored again.

I was freaking out and faith-healed and curled into a weird knot on my living room floor.  Three goals on three shots in 2:13.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Then they won.  And this was me, for a solid two hours after:

It’s only Game 3.  Crosby, Kunitz, Malkin and Neal have no goals – only Geno even has a point.  So many wasted man advantages.  Flower stayed confident despite a messy start.  Alison & I both performed mid-game costume changes to what we wore for Game 1 and it worked.  I’m exhausted.  I might be overreacting.  Maybe everything is going to be okay.

Right, Sid?

GAH.  That’s what you always say.

Blackhawks: 2; Blues: 0 [Blues lead series 2-1]

Well no one died, which makes it a model of restraint after last game’s dirty hit/suspension/general abhorrence.  Instead the Hawks set the pace early when Captain I’m Fun Now put a gimmie through the wickets on Ryan Miller.  Corey Crawford pitched a shutout and the Hawks staved off an almost certain death – for now.

Wild: 1; Avalanche: 0 [Avs lead series 2-1]

Zero goals until 5:08 of overtime.  After a combined 9 G in Game 1 and 6 G in Game 2, this match was locked down.  The Avs managed on 22 shots on Darcy Kuemper in his playoff debut, while Minnesota threw 46 shots on Varlamov.  Matt Cookie hit Tyson Barrie knee-on-knee and will likely (deservedly) be the second player suspended this post-season.  See it here.  I don’t want to watch it again.  Instead watch Mikael Granlund’s holy moly game-winner:

Stars: 3; Ducks: 0

I was only half-watching this game after the emotional trauma of the Pens’ game, but I know the DuckTales theme when I hear it!  The Stars in-game staff played it during a third period timeout.  If you were sleeping, search ‘DucksTales’ on Twitter.  Harmless fun and who doesn’t want to hear that song?  [The Albany River Rats used to play “Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)” when the opposing team scored.  I laughed even when we were losing.]

Jamie Benn had a goal and the post-game interview, but you should be tuning in for Jordie Benn’s megabeard.  Someone find me a picture of that!

Tonight, tonight it’s Montreal with the chance to give Tampa Bay the first playoff exit of the year.  The Bruins/Red Wings and Rangers/Flyers all try to gain the edge in tied series and late night, the Sharks will attempt to go up 3-0 over the Kings.  The first two games have each seen 9 total goals scored.  Sounds exciting – if only we could stay awake!

Anyway, let’s have a look at Friday (Day Three):

• Canadiens: 4; Lightning: 1
• Red Wings: 1; Bruins: 0
• Ducks: 3; Stars: 2

No one wants to talk about theses.  They are depressing and also old news.  Ryan Getzlaf’s wife did have a baby girl, though, and Getz scored the requisite “welcome to the world” goal with his Iron Giant Helmet Extension on.

Saturday (Day Four):

Blues: 4; Blackhawks: 3 [Blues lead series 2-0]

The Hawks have played so much playoff OT over the past few years, it’s the only way they know how to end games.  Unfortunately these OTs are not going their way and they’re down 2-0 to St. Louis.  Add in the hit on David Backes that earned Brent Seabrook a 3-game suspension, the alleged comments by Duncan Keith and tonight’s game in Chicago looks to be all fired up.

I might dislike David Backes (a lot) but that is pretty messed up.

Blue Jackets: 4; Penguins: 3 [Series tied 1-1]

Did you know you can go to Twitter jail for sending over 100 Tweets in an hour?  This did not happen to me, but I may consider it again if the Penguins play the way they did Saturday night.  100 Tweets x 140 characters = 3500 four-letter words.  That’s about how many Alison and I traded via Gchat.  Alas, the Pens were still in a game they played terribly, which gives me hope for a Head-Out-Of-Ass strategy tonight.  The Blue Jackets… well, I yelled, “I HATE YOUR SKILL AND EFFECTIVE ON-ICE PRESENCE!” at least once.

Avalanche: 4; Wild: 2 [Avs lead series 2-0]

MacKinnon, Landeskog and Stastny had 10 of the 11 total points awarded for G & A in this game.  It felt more lopsided than the scoreboard indicated – Stastny’s goal was an EN, so the Wild were close for a long time.  Still you should be watching these kids to remember what fun feels like.

And Sunday (Day Five):

All the wrong teams (for me) won yesterday until the Sharks.  I was ready to write the day off.  Perhaps it was my punishment for playing Cards Against Humanity with a very mixed-age crowd and hearing my friends’ 70-year old parents say things I can never un-hear.

Flyers: 4; Rangers: 2 [Series tied 1-1]

The Flyers finalllllly won a Game at MSG (first since 2011).  Giroux’s gingerbeard is magnificent.  It was a comeback win for Philly, who were down 2-0 in the first.  Just remember: the longer this series goes the more potential to destroy each other.

Bruins: 4; Detroit: 1 [Series tied 1-1]

This must’ve been fun if you’re a Bruins fan.  I’m not, but I’d like to win a game by more than 1 goal (or at all) right now.  Misty water colored memories…. Chuck can expound on the enjoyment of Easter Sunday Bruins Victory if she’s got a moment.

Canadiens: 3; Lightning: 2 [Habs lead series 3-0]

Let me tell you something.  This is a b$##@*^$ disallowed goal:

My first reaction was “Bleeeeeeeeeep!” and my second was, “I cannot believe I am cheering for Ryan Callahan.”  Ah trades, you make everything new again.  I wrote a whole diatribe on this call, then deleted it, went outside and vehemently landscaped my front yard.  Positive outlets for playoffs frustration!  In short, this cannot be called ONLY if it results in a goal.  It’s either a penalty when it happens or it’s not, regardless if it results in something important. This isn’t even my team.  I’d be enraged.  The Bolts might not have won, and MTL clearly has a handle on the series, but blown goal calls infuriate me like no other.  Especially in playoffs.

To add injury to insult, Steven Stamkos took a knee to the head.  He did not get up well.  Prayer circles were formed – and they worked (Easter coincidence? I think not.).  Steven returned for the start of the third period.

Sharks: 7; Kings: 2 [Sharks lead series 2-0]

Seven (7!) unanswered goals by San Jose.  I don’t think this game needs a recap. If someone wants to get in on the Sharks now, I’ve got a jersey and perfectly matching teal nail polish you can have.

What will tonight bring?  Three of the games offer the chance to go up 3-0 in their series (COL, STL, ANA) – we wish luck to the fans of the teams down 0-2.  Be strong and believe.  As for the Penguins game, you know where to find me.

Obviously we still cannot center things.  Sorry about that.

Blues:4, Blackhawks: 3

Look,  overtime is one thing.  Triple overtime is two more things but is there anything more annoying than waiting 17 minutes of intermission in the middle of the  damned night just for someone to win it 30 seconds into the next extra frame?

Aside from being the team that loses that way, I mean.

Coach Q, how do you feel about this game?

I can’t stop laughing.  I hope Joey, the Junior Reporter didn’t see that!

Avalanche: 5, Wild: 4

Since all the cool kids who won the Cup last year were going to OT, the Paul Stastny of the Avs thought that sounded brilliant.  He tied it with 14 seconds left [video].  GAH, that is what Playoffs are about!  Paul enjoyed that so much, he did it again.

Look at Nathan MacKinnon with the hugJUMPhugJUMPhugJUMP.  19 year old puppy.

Rangers; 4, Flyers: 1

I hate everyone but wow, Giroux’s beard is already amazing.  It was the only positive thing about this game for the Flyers, who gave up goals 2 and 3 in 47 seconds while I was brushing my teeth.  If they Flyers could do that every time I left the room, I’d stay out my whole life.

G’s beard looks even more orange because Jakub Voracek and Scott Hartnell have dyed their beards black for the playoffs.  I’m torn between saying, “Well they can’t look worse.” and “That was cool when Mike Green did it.”  Photos by the only officially Flyers-related person we like: @sbaickerCSN.

Just to be fair:  The Rangers changed their homepage to look like Tumblr and I hate that too.  Sad Brad Richards had three points and I bet he went home and laughed while making 6 AM tee times under the name “Tortorella” at every golf course within 50 miles of wherever Torts lives.

Sharks: 6, Kings: 3

This game was “mostly dead” in the first with the Sharks up 3-0.  In the second, they scored 2 more.  But to start the third period, the Kings came out and got 3 goals.  I don’t know if it felt like they could really climb the entire hill (thoughts? I was asleep.) but that has got to help their confidence in an otherwise brutal loss.

Tomas Hertl had one of the Sharks’ goals – looks like those water aerobics he used to recover from injury really paid off.

The Bruins kick things off against the Red Wings tonight (finally!), while the Habs/Bolts and Ducks/Stars will go again.  Ryan Getzlaf expected to be in the lineup with his new Frankenface.

Enjoy!  I hope all of your teams lose!

1. Enjoy a composed evening of important hockey that matters on a theoretical level, but not to your team.
2. Like me, last night:

One goal games all around, and no one made it look easy.  Here we go, Round One: Day One already gearing up to be great.

Canadiens: 5, Lightning: 4

Did you get dizzy watching this one?  Twice Tampa Bay took the lead, only to lose it in 0:19 and 3:15 respectively.  Montreal went up by a goal twice, only to be tied again in 2:01 and 1:57.  The last game-tying goal was a beauty by Stamkos, coast-to-coast, all alone:

Almost an entire OT period was needed to end this, the Habs getting the win.   Still some good numbers for the Lightning – they had only 25 shots on Price but scored 4 times, while Lindback stopped 39 of 44.  On Montreal’s end, that’s a lot of shots!  Vanek had 7 of them, including this very pretty goal:

Penguins: 4,  Blue Jackets: 3

TOO CLOSE, THANK YOU.  If every game in the series is like this, I may not survive.  I expect it will be, since all Pens defensemen over the age of Matt Niskanen have a tendency to do what only Mokiki can do so well: the Sloppy Swish.

SNL Video: (The Legend of) Mokiki and the Sloppy Swish

They will magically get it together for periods (of time, not hockey).  Let’s hope for more of those.  Flower I thought was not bad – the first 2 goals were all the D’s fault, the 3rd he’d love to have back.  If only the world were a wish granting factory.

The Jackets are, of course, good and scary.  I was sore from watching guys get hit on TV.  Also from punching the screen every time Brandon Dubinksy’s face came up.  That’s his job and he does it so well.

Ducks: 4, Stars: 3

I went to bed when this was 3-0 Anaheim, all in the first.  I did a “WHAT?!” this morning when I saw the final score.  For twenty minutes things were bleak, but it was just the rust of not making the playoffs for the last 5 seasons.  They are good now.  But are they as good as the Ducks?

Ryan Getzlaf, with the Tyler Seguin slapshot-to-face:

If not for Getz’s mug, who knows?  The Stars could have tied in the final seconds.  They came close more than once.  Coach Boudreau expects Getzlaf to have a “nasty cut” but hopefully be fine and they will know more today.

EAST

Bruins vs. Red Wings

Pants: Bruins, because there is no way I get off this easily in life.  They’re packed and they’re stacked, especially in the back (Shoop!).  Tuukka Rask, brick wall with a 2.04 GAA.

Chuck:  Bruins, duh. I mean, I love me some Zetterbeard and the Red Wings did take 3 of 4 from the Black and Gold in the regular season.  But this is the playoffs.  And the Bruins always crank it up to 11 in the playoffs. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty?)

Penguins vs. Blue Jackets

Pants: Penguins, because I NEED THIS, OKAY?  Also they’ve beaten Columbus five times this season, Letang is getting up to form and Malkin could be back in the lineup tonight.  Fleury is near the top in every category and I’m banking on confidence.

Chuck: I love a good underdog story, and this series could be it.  I know this is FAAAAR from popular option with our readership but just lemme finish. The Blue Jackets are a difficult team to play against.  One coach told Kevin Weekes who told me that Columbus was a “nightmare every time you play them.”  They have some underrated guys and they’re physical.  Last year, Pens went up against the Bruins, arguable one of the most physical NHL teams, and they got swept.  But it is Pittsburgh, so I could be wrong.

I can’t stop laughing at this gif.

I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Lightning vs. Canadiens

Pants: Canadiens, because the Bolts lost the one-two punch they needed to win this series when St. Louis bailed.  A shame, since Alexis says Tampa’s beard potential is astronomical.

Chuck: Lightning. Because I cannot. I will not.  It will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Canadiens.

Flyers vs. Rangers

Pants: Evil, because that is the only choice.  I’ll say Rangers here but it won’t be easy. The Flyers score slightly fewer G/G (by .22) but Lundqvist’s GAA is marginally better (by 0.14) than Mason’s – who is hurt, thanks Kaitlin, and out for at least Game 1.  That doesn’t help Philly.  Whoever wins plays the winner of PIT/CBJ and I don’t see the Flyers leaving anything but a streak of blood to get there.  Rangers in a long, brutal series.

Chuck: Rangers…I guess.  Both teams have fought and scrapped to make the playoffs, especially the Flyers, who have seemed to recover from their disatrous start.  Rangers’ goaltending and defense are better but this match-up has some serious Hunger Games potential.

WEST

Avalanche vs. Wild

Pants: Avs, because Patrick Roy says so.  He’s turned the worst team in last year’s West into the 2nd best team in this year’s West.  Varlamov has seen more shots than any goalie and won more games.  By comparison, the Avs’ offense ranks 20th in shots per game – but they are accurate, with 2.99 G/G (5th overall).  High-quality offense, high-quality goaltender.

Chuck: Avalanche, because why not them?  They are young, exceptionally talented, and have a top notch goalie in Varlamov. Nathan McKinnon is a shoe-in for the Calder and the rest of the forward crew ain’t to shabby.  While the wheels were coming off the Blues’ bus, the Avs leapfrogged over them to take the Central. Remember last year’s Red Sox team?  They went from worst to first and won the World Series.  Just saying….

Ducks vs. Stars

Pants: Ducks, because they score more than any other team.  They’re #1 at 3.21/game.  The dark horse is that Dallas draws a lot of penalties (3rd overall), and Anaheim’s penalty kill ranks 13th 82.2%.  So there are freebies to be had, Stars.  I still think the Ducks overpower them.

Chuck: My heart says Stars, but my head says Ducks. For reasons.  Namely, Perry, Getzlaf, Bonino, Selanne. Seguin and Benn have one of the best bromance/chemistry in the NHL right now, but it won’t be enough to overpower the Ducks.

Blues vs. Blackhawks

Pants: Blackhawks.  Only 4 points separate them.  The Blues are slumping hard – they lost 6 of 8 in April.  I would not want to ride that streak into the post-season against the defending Champs.  If Toews & Kane are really ready, like ready-ready, they can tip that balance.

Chuck: Blackhawks. Toews and Kane are back. Even at 75%, they are still pretty awesome.  Blues spent the month of April on a cross-country trip on the struggle bus, which not the way you want to go into the playoffs.  If Blues can return to their regular season form and get some guys back, they could have a shot.  But the WUYS Magic 8 Ball is saying “Outlook look not so good.”

Sharks vs. Kings

Pants: Snore.  Don’t these teams play every year?  Just two of the last four.  I’ll pick the Sharks for the same reason I always do: aren’t they tired of eventually losing in the Playoffs?  The Sharks are always a fire drill, never a fire.

Chuck: Sharks. Please dear Lord, the Sharks. I need Joe Thornton’s playoff beard to make me whole and happy.

Did your team make the playoffs?  Who are you cheering for?  Any Cinderellas in this year’s matchup?  We want to kn0w what you think?