Capital letter so you know it’s important.

That’s MY name. On the FRONT ROW of the WHITE HOUSE event with the PENGUINS and the CUP and POTUS.  Yesterday was amazing!

The Moore Sisters (no relation) pretending we are calm.

First, we got to the White House, where I apparently did not set off any security alerts. Good thing they don’t read this blog. After having our IDs checked, bags x-rayed and bodies metal detected by extremely friendly Secret Service agents, we were sniffed by a bomb dog who I didn’t even get to see! I bet he was cute. I got over that when we entered the fancy State Floor antechamber and spent 45 minutes pretending not to edge ever closer to the main door. Mario walked by. I acted cool. No sense in getting tossed out before the show.

The door to somewhere Presidential

When doors opened, there was the Cup, shining like a diamond on the stage.  We walked past seats reserved to Members of Congress, and there was my name on practically the closest seat in the entire event to the Cup. Don’t ask how I got it – my Fairy Godsister made it happen and now I owe her. I don’t know what could repay this. Organ donation? And not an organ that humans have two of and can spare one.

Always bring a redheaded friend so you can find yourself on TV.

We marveled at this fact for a good long while, taking pictures of/with Stan (that’s what I call him now that we’re friends who’ve spent time together.) Several active duty servicemen were on hand to ensure that we people didn’t hug touch the cup, since it was just sitting on a table like it wanted to validate your parking ticket.

Who are these really important people in the front row?

After the band played “Fields of Gold” by Sting 26 times, the team was announced. The audience stood and they guys streamed in, dark-suited and not a one of them looking like they could punch your lights out. Every woman in the room moved her wedding ring to the opposite hand. On either side of me, friends asked, “Who’s the one with the hair?” only they meant different guys – Hagelin and Letang. No Sid yet.

When the applause and brief “Let’s Go Pens” chant died out, we all stood awkwardly in silence. For a long time. It was like a Catholic wedding full of non-Catholics who are unsure when it’s okay to sit back down. Then the band finished the only other song they know and the President, Bettman, Burkle, Mario and Sid were announced.

No zoom was used in the making of this photo.

Obama went to the podium. Mario and Burkle took his left, and Bettman and Sid took the right. Right by the Cup. RIGHT BY ME. The Queen of England’s didn’t have this good a seat at Will & Kate’s wedding.

What does he do with all these jerseys?

Obama’s speech was great. Of course he has the best speechwriters in the world, but they hit the nail on the head with the hockey jokes and Pens’ inside references, and POTUS delivered it like he spent last season watching ROOT Sports and reading WUYS. We could not have written it better ourselves! And every time he looked toward the Cup or Sid, he was looking right at us.

POTUS making sure we behave.

After the speech, the Pens did the jersey presentation, then brought the Cup back to the group for a photo. Which meant I got to see this in more scope and detail than an IMAX 3D movie:

The Trophy. And also the Stanley Cup.

When time machines are invented, you know where to find me.

Obama’s first and last Stanley Cup Champs.

The President shook some politicians’ hands, waved to us as if we’d catch up at happy hour, and headed out… leaving us all standing awkwardly again, waiting for permission to leave. Or confirmation that no one would be tackled for moving. I kept my seat for fear that Secret Service had, during the event, Googled the people in the front row. The team was eventually released to exit, walking past us and the Cup one by one like the eveningwear portion of the Miss America pageant. And then, briefly before we left, it was just us at the Cup again, like old times.

Here’s the full video:

This was quite the kickoff to the 2016-2017 season. I blindly insist my team will win the Cup every season, but this year, I say it with confidence. With hope. And because I would really like to attend this event in October 2017, and watch Hilary stand in front of Letang, Crosby and Co., look right into the camera, and ask Bill if she should hire any interns.

Make it look heavy, they’re taking photos.

PS: If you read this before 2:03PM, I made some edits. Remember on Sex and the City, when Carrie knew she really liked the guy because she couldn’t remember what he looked like? Well I was that excited.

John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

Just when you think it's over…#FLAvsNYI #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/hoetdpkeEI

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

Then John wins the game in double OT – which is waaaaaay past his bedtime, y’all.

John Tavares IS Captain Clutch. #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/sKMZzymhJv

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

Internally screaming

Last night, Sid scored three very necessary goals to lead the Penguins to a 6-5 victory over Ottawa.

I won’t take credit for this particular scoring surge, but ask Lindsay if it might be the result of a conversation we had yesterday. I once ended the lockout, you know.

Hopefully this is a sign for the Pens, who currently hold the last EC wild card slot. The East is all jammed up: seven teams within two points, and all for third in the division.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

On Monday, Sid told press, “Our playoffs basically start now.” And he kinda smiled when he said it. [Video]

Somebody got a new hat.

While you were enjoying the Penguins goals and wondering WTAF they were doing between goals, I was practicing yoga with this Sid workout clip.

(Bless @Kiki5851 for finding this.)

Except I only managed Shavasana, where you lay on the floor looking dead while trying to compose yourself. I have elite skills.

Bonus feature.

Then, the Twitters told me that freshly-returned-from-injury Connor McDavid did this:

Well, shit. That is an amazing goal. Tell me again what you were doing in 1997, when he was born? My Home Ec class egg baby is older than Connor McDavid. (Haha, #TeamEggBaby it is!)

Alas, I saw no actual hockey AGAIN. I will be sending this post to the suggestion box at NHL TV – which probably does work, because obviously.

Dan Potash knows what news we can use.

Instant, full-volume inner monologue:

Outside the glass-slash-TV screen.

It’s a understatement to say  the Crosbot is off to a slow start this season. With 3 G and 7 A, his 10 points rank him 134th in the League. This from a guy who finished third in goals last year, and was only beaten on the very last day. The Pens, however, have turned around the struggle bus around and are now 4th in the East (8th in the League) with 24 points.

So what’s the most superstitious guy in the locker room League world to do?

pic.twitter.com/T5gw59x803

— Stephanie (@myregularface) November 20, 2015

He actually changed something. Is the world ending? Look outside. Have you seen any locusts today? How about frogs? If you see one, RUN. A plague may follow.

Even websites that are not this blog are talking about it:  Sporting News | Pensburgh | All of Twitter

From so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com, hashtagged #hishairlookssuper90shere

I imagine Sid debating “warm-up helmet” vs. “peanut butter-and-something-not-jelly” at length. Perhaps he called a friend (John Tavares) who used graph paper to plot the pros and cons (John Tavares).  He didn’t just throw off his helmet in the tunnel and ask Duper to hockey-stick his hair.

Or maybe he did.

https://twitter.com/brittamulaney/status/667491594250166272

Either way, it worked. It even works with that mustache (er, in spite of the mustache). And it worked in real life, as Sid scored the game winning goal vs. Colorado. You know what that means.

:: hair ruffle ::

Forever. Or at least longer than the mustache lasts, a girl can hope.

Full report at 11.

John Tavares, Prince of Khakis, may be second in perfection only to Cabbie, who seems to have a live feed of my inner monologue running in his comedy lair. He always knows exactly what everyone will find funny – the players, the fans, my inner teenybopper.

Hipsters are so hip they’re really not very hip at all anymore. Even beards are so ubiquitous they are becoming passe. While trends may come and go, one thing never changes: John Tavares.

First of all, he is wearing khakis. Witness him in his natural habitat:

Secondly, his teeth are PERFECT. Too perfect, and at a little fake, since we did see him pull a few out on TV that time. I haven’t been so dazzled since Hilary Duff got veneers.

In the interview, John claims he’s a good wingman. I bet this is true. He is profoundly handsome, the better for distract any girl’s friend(s), but – let’s be honest – not everyone wants to talk about compound interest with a guy who offers to buy them a white wine spritzer. (I do, though. I really do.)

But if you’re into middle school science teachers (::raises hand::), please note and praise that John is at least not wearing white socks. A lot of work goes into these outfits, people. And then there are his loafers.

Loafers. Dear Lord.

Photo from BarDown.com

A true gentleman, John is game for every joke fired at his gosh-darnedness. From the NHL Awards to this… if John were faking the nice guy act, he’d be an Oscar-winner. And now, the glasses:

Objection: We love glasses. [Exhibit A – Foxy Friday: Glasses] Cabbie gets a demerit for choosing terrible glasses that most hipsters wouldn’t even wear. Maybe he was worried John would look even more scholarly and Halloween sales of schoolgirl costumes in Canada would skyrocket. I happen to think a nice pair of rectangle frames would look great while John reads a textbook on sedimentary strata of the Cretaceous period.

Finally, because he had to, the man bun. Was this wig part of a hipster costume? It better resembles a samurai wig… or me every day right now on Sunday.

Thank God we can be sure John will never become a hipster. He may panic when he realizes not a single Brooklyn retailer has sold khakis since ’99, or, if the Isles play well, maybe khakis will become hip. Maybe polo shirts and the word “gosh” will pervade an ironic subculture. Either way, no one will pull it off as perfectly as John.

PS: John is sick, and missed both games this weekend. I imagine him weakly ripping up his spreadsheet on which calculated the usefulness of a flu shot. Get well soon! Try the wheatgrass-kale-cardamom latte with echinacea boost, it’s ayurvedic.

But two drinks in, the bridesmaids are yelling, “DIBS!” and making shanks out of bobby pins.

The dads, like Alison’s dad there on the left (not really), are warming up their, “Have you met my daughter?” speeches.

While the groomsmen try not to look too drunk…

Even if they have to count reaaalllllyyy sllooowwwlllly…

And the married guys keep interrupting their attempts to flirt,

When they’re not laughing because they know how much an open bar costs.

But no matter how hard they try, there is always one guy who ends up going home alone.

Here are the full photo gallery and PensTV Video. Celina talks so fast that I am out of breath before they even get to Crosby, but this is something you’d (er, I would) probably pay a fortune to attend.  There is far less chance of physical embarrassment dealing cards than carrying plates, and I can’t help thinking Beau Bennett is a lot safer in this low-impact environment.

Twenty bucks says that Ehrhoff, tired of being left out, rigs the Secret Santa so he can buy Letang a selfie stick.

Because he knows we love guys in glasses.

The Dallas Stars also had a casino night this week. Furthering their quest to be Your Favorite Team, here’s video in which Jamie Benn admits his favorite part is “mingling with the female crowd” who sit at his table.

No shame if you just tried to buy a ticket for next year’s event like this:

Because:

So:

A while back, @eyetotelescope suggested we address the idea of liking more than one team. Many of you are in the same boat (er, on the same door) at this treacherous time of year, when four-point games rain down, winning streaks become glorious victory marches and slumps are loose bars on a shark cage discovered after you’re already underwater.

Today is the perfect day for this post. I don’t just support two teams, I picked the Penguins and Capitals. Rather, they picked me. Divisional rivals who actively dislike each other, currently a single point apart in the standings – Pens in the playoffs, Caps in a wild card spot. The Caps have beaten the Pens the last I-have-blocked-out how many times. It’s pretty much the worst pair of favorites available.

They play tonight in DC and I will be there, wearing a Pens jersey.

So, for your cheating heart and mine, here is my guide to supporting two (or more) hockey teams.

Rule One: Know your favorite

I like the Capitals. I love the Penguins. Between the two, there is no contest.

More simply: The Capitals are my Horcrux. A piece of my soul is in there – and while it hurts, sometimes they must be destroyed. Tonight, I don’t care if Slapshot hugs me on the concourse or free ice tea and nachos are hand-delivered at intermission by a sweaty, Under Armor-ed Mike Green. None shall pass. Not this night.

Maybe your favorite team was determined by geography, or you inherited a family allegiance. Perhaps you’re riveted by the excitement of trap defense! (Psych – no one is. Explain yourselves, New Jersey.)  When I say I am a Penguins fan:

• Unsuspecting stranger: “Are you from Pittsburgh?”
• Me: “No, I’m from upstate New York.”
• Person, now approaching edge of cliff: “Shouldn’t you like the Rangers?”
• Me: PUSH

Kidding. If a person wants my hockey life story from ’91 to present, they can have it. But it ends like this: Penguins first. Capitals second. Blackhawks third, but I couldn’t maintain this even in a Cup-winning season, so it doesn’t count. Then everyone else, and Flyers/Rangers last. Everybody knows their place.

Rule Two: Own your infidelity

As a Pens fan first, living in the DC area, I must often betray a lovely Caps fan who has unwittingly befriended me.

• Me: “Actually, the Penguins are my favorite team.”
• New friend: “Prepare to die.”

Nowhere does it say you must like only one team. Second (or third, fourth) favorite teams come about in more interesting ways! You move away from home. A player gets traded.  Hell, RNH’s eyebrows are the only things selling tickets in Edmonton these days. I’d love to know how your second-favorite teams snuck into your hearts and set up camp.

My story centers around the 2011 Winter Classic. Not the game – David Steckel should walk into my office right now so I can put my stapler through his face. Rather, the lead up to the game ruined me, in three easy steps:

1. NHL: “Crosby vs. Ovechkin is a thing. See all these TV commercials? We are making fetch happen.”
2. Mr. Pants: “How would you feel about moving to the DC-area?”
3. HBO 24/7: Penguins vs. Capitals.

I never liked the Caps growing up, but since they’d switched out of the Pens conference in ’93, I hadn’t cared. The League’s insistence on this rivalry brought the Caps into my home and my Center Ice feed. I tried to resist. This blog, born September 6, 2010, was originally full of me making fun of Mike Green – and meaning it. Then something happened.

Mike Green’s belt. Four years later, still hilarious.

Here’s my original post about my descent into madness. The more I got to know the Caps, the more I liked them. Then I moved to the DC area. I went to my first Caps game two days later and watching my new “home” team, I couldn’t help hoping they did well. Not that well, but you know. Just a little well. Is that so bad?

I KNOW, OKAY?! But it was too late. This is why you should vaccinate your children.

Fine print: We won’t even knock Taylor Swift for performing in nearly every hockey jersey in the league. If the girl likes hockey, she is cool with us. But support too many teams and it’ll look as if you don’t really like any. [Google images gallery] Now, if Taylor turns up with an encyclopedic hockey mind, we retract this statement and offer her a guest blogger password.

Rule Three: Hold your ground

Firmly establish the hierarchy between your teams. It will be the most important component of your fandom. Favorites first, always. Even if it means Caps fans, who were your friends ten minutes ago, are taking this picture of you when the Pens go down 4-1:

Perhaps your teams are in different divisions or conferences (the relief!). But they will eventually play each other. If you’re the two conference type, your greatest dream and worst nightmare could come true at the same time: your teams play each other in the Final. Arrive unprepared and you’ll be like Bella, trapped in the freezing cold and of course you have to cuddle with the shirtless werewolf or die, while the vampire is right outside listening to a pervy inner monologue. It’s your fault for not having a jacket.

Don’t look so comfortable.

This gets tough in tight playoff races, like the Pens and Caps have now, when you kind of have to root for Team #2 to lose against everyone. They’re too close to Team #1, or in front of them, and basically ruining everything. Horcruxes, people. We never said it would be easy.

Rule Four: Have a sense of humor

I have been chirped for my Crosby jersey at games in LA, San Jose, Anaheim, Atlanta (remember that experiment?), New York (Rangers) and, of course, DC.  I just laugh.  Luckily, most hockey fans are awesome and even if they hate Sid and the Pens, they’re nice to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, but I prefer to think it’s because I’ve obeyed rules 1-3 and I know my stuff. And I’m just waiting for this moment:

• Announcer: “Penguins goal by Sidney Crosby. His 20th of the season.”
• Caps crowd: “Who cares?”
• Me: “I do. I care.”

But I won’t lie – I hope Mike Green scores one. After the Pens score ten.

Rule Five: It’s your party

How can you like two teams?! Teams that hate each other? How can you be at odds with the fundamental tenet of sports? Obviously you are an idiot/bandwagoner/in it for the hot guys/not a real fan.  That argument can (and will) be used against you for a litany of imagined offenses no matter who you root for. We say do what you want. Love who you love. Stay weird.

Finally, if you’re a one-team kind of person, know this: I envy you. I have a lot of love to give, which leaves a lot of open wounds when my teams don’t love me back.  I trade slightly better odds of winning for twice the angst come spring and playoffs. Told you I was bad at math.

Smile, there are girls watching.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.  Check out video of Crosby & friends surprising the Little Penguins hockey camp yesterday.

You can tell Flower has a kid, because he is not afraid to pick them up and spin them around and tackle them. The rest of this is like a Meeting of the Future Hot Dads of Western Pennsylvania:

It’s an omelet!

Sorry, wrong picture.

Then I surprised her with flowers and…

Yeah, that one. As usual, the kids are having fun, but the guys are having even more.

Do they make those socks in long?

Does this make you want to have kids? I showed it to my mom, who gave me “Disappointed Parent Re: Failure to Procreate Face”, then pronounced MAF her favorite Penguin. He has not let her down.

Go forward, tiny human.

The Little Penguins program, which Crosby sponsors, outfits kids with head-to-toe gear and they participate in camps. There are even some girls-only camps, because girls rule.

Video: Crosby at Little Pens practice in 2013

It’s not nice to make fun of people, unless they’re Borts. That’s okay.

Here’s a story on it from USA Today, plus a few shots on Penguins’ Instagram and Snapchat, if you know how to use that. Maybe these kids could teach me after hockey practice.

This game is called “What’s Wrong With Our Power Play!”

Me and Dupuis

Me and Pascal Dupuis – that really happened, you guys.  Kudos to Jess, who was having none of my typical reaction (RUN AWAY!). Also bless the glacially slow press elevator, in which we and Duper were all waiting to ride. There was no way not to talk to him, being one of few people sporting Pens jerseys in the VIP area. Some folks gave me looks like I shouldn’t be eating all their nachos… well, I had to win something last night.

Duper was exactly as you imagine – lovely, friendly and still older than I am. That one never fails. He was taller than I expected and made me wish I paid more attention to White Collar and had learned how to lift someone’s phone, so I could call Sid and tell him what I thought of the first period.

Before that, warm-ups looked like this:

Borts asked to send this pic to Alison.

I finally remembered to stand on the Crosby side.

The game looked like this from our great seats, only the count on the scoreboard kept getting worse.

Too bad I could see the scoreboard.

In the end, it was an excellent game at which to enjoy free food and Duper’s brief company.  We rode in the elevator again later and shared a grimace over the way the night was going.  Everything else was horrible, especially Steve Downie, and except Mike Green’s goal to make it 4-0. The Penguins were practically on their bus already, so let Mike have one.  I’ll take the punishment.

Real friends stop making fun beyond 2-goal deficits.

Why yes, I’ll tune in.

I didn’t get to see the show, but it re-airs Friday at 10:30 PM.  Verizon Fios carries MSG almost everywhere, so I’ll finally get my million-dollar cable bill’s worth!

For now, I’ll survive on these clips – MSG: Beginnings

The club can’t even handle me right now.

I’m 30 seconds into the first clip – John goes back to his primary school – and I’ve died 211 times. (Shorter but much higher-res version of clip here.)

Who picked out this shirt? Is it made of wrapping paper? Pay them.  John walks around, frowning modestly and pointing at things.

Here’s the “Most Likely to Wear Khakis as an Adult” plaque.

He narrates, which puts me right into a coma, but that’s cool because the last thing I saw were his calves so you can just let me sleep a while.

And here’s the “Best at Tucking in My Shirt” banner.

John was obviously good at every sport, which you know because he doesn’t say so. He casually picks up a basketball, remarks how long it’s been since he played, then sinks 10 three-pointers in a row.

He shoots…

I may be exaggerating to compensate for the way John downplays everything, or because his t-sleeve can’t fit over the golfer’s tan on his bicep.

He scores.

There’s also a clip of John reminiscing on going into the OHL at 15 years old, and having his jersey retired by Oshawa last season.  His mom makes an appearance. Where is her award, for raising the only guy in the world who doesn’t seem to realize that John Tavares is John Tavares?  He really has no idea, right?

Gee, is that what I look like?

Yeah, it is.

On second thought, I think John knows a little.  Exhibits from the JT Gif Hall of Fame:

Chosen by @RoseTintedVisor

Chosen by @RealScarlett01

Chosen by Pants (mine and yours)

Right before this show aired last night, the Isles shut out the Rangers to take over first place in the Eastern Conference.  Not a bad preview before your movie, Tavares.  John leads the team in goals (19) and points (39).  His next game is Friday vs. the Penguins. Maybe we can get a repeat of this:

We guess what they were talking about when this was taken.

Girls Love, Double Date Edition

That’s right – pre-mumps Crosby and Geno, part-time models.  You know I live for shots of Sid putting on his jersey (3:15 mark, someone gif that please).

Does this video make my shoulders look broad?

Put this January issue on your Christmas list.  (A lot of my Dear Santa items are Penguins-related.)

Our office holiday party is in 24 minutes, so I can watch this a few more times.

Mister(s) January

Like James Neal at the 4 minute mark of this post-game coverage.

Top to bottom, fade from brown to orange to yellow.

The second best part, right after his face, is how much James hates doing this interview. He doesn’t get sassy, drones through cliches like I nap through episodes of Boardwalk Empire and says nothing. Repeatedly.

He’s basically ombre.

It’s almost as if he’s testing to see if they’ll keep asking questions we’ll keep watching.

Please. I paused it to make popcorn and come back.

Damn, he was trying to start a new trend.

The Pens’ only counter to this rakish hair-times-gingerbeard-equals-destruction is to mess with Neal’s car on their recent trip to Nashville. [In the Ropm: S4, E2]

Don’t leave Flower, Letang and Geno unsupervised.

It’s funny, of course, but we all know you tease the one you like the most.

The Preds have a new episode of Beneath the Ice up, in which James was apparently learning to cook.  Rich Clune, humanitarian.  Before Clune’s waivers/AHL assignment, hopefully James learned a few survival skills – like that Lamborghini is ridiculous and I will always make fun of it. (Correction from Alison: It’s a Ferrari. Apparently I never recovered from Mike Green’s white Lambo and confused the sleeve-tattooed, bearded drivers and their white chariots of overcompensation.)

My car has no backseat! Wait a minute…

In the next episode, James gets the A.  From Peter Laviolette.  Maybe we should have seen it coming?  Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy hated each other basically right up until it started raining.

Pants, that is so 2012.

James is leading Nashville with 9 G, and tied for second with 14 points.  The Preds are second in their division, one point behind St. Louis, and third overall in the West.  They play tonight in Toronto, where you know all the Ontario boys love to show off in front of their family and friends.

1. Sitting like a boy.

Lean back.

(Remember when John Tavares was the only one with media training, and that was at 14? This is Exhibit A.)

2. Politely discussing that time Pittsburgh dumped him via Post-It Note.

Aspiring Gingerbeard

Wait, James isn’t good with media! Who is this guy?  Maybe he didn’t need to be trained this time around.  Someone still shouldn’t let him sit like Homer Simpson.

3. Asking to have his roster photo retaken. Hey, if he doesn’t critique it, someone (around here) will! And for the record, it looks great.

“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?”

4. Wearing a shirt that’s too small.

Does this jersey makes my arms look long?

5. Being unfamiliar with imperfect hair. Push it back?  Are these bangs or curtains?

Do you have any product?

So, is this grown-up James Neal starting over? Nashville is a promising market with a new coach and new system. It’s a chance to prove himself on the ice, to let his talent speak and shut his temper down. Hockey media, not without reason, are skeptical – though I thought the word “castoff” in this Puck Daddy piece was harsh. Turns out I’m protective (and only I’m allowed to give James shit for being an idiot!). Nashville press seem to have embraced the potential, and it will be up to James what they have to say about him.

Impressing the new boss.

We got our Rich Clune Foxy Friday posted just in time: he was placed on waivers by Nashville. Rich’s mom RT’d the Foxy Friday, which is the highest honor in the land and we can now retire. Luckily for Neal, Clune cleared waivers and was assigned to Milwaukee. Let’s hope Rich left a stocked fridge for Nealer and gets recalled to the Preds soon.

We need more of this:

In the next episode of Beneath the Ice, James drives a car and asks for directions. Lost and boring. It was filmed prior to Clune’s departure but this better not be what James turns into with Rich gone. Don’t get too nice, buddy.

Nah, we can’t leave it there!  Here’s James’ hat trick from last week:

Fifty shades

In fact, James Neal cut his hair a week ago and I didn’t even notice.  How does this happen? Am I so fickle when someone departs my team? I basically wrote, “Friends forever!” in his yearbook back in June, then went to college and forgot about him. A few kind, attentive readers mentioned the haircut, worried about my reaction to his season opening, trade-rebellion-mullet, but I did not look up a photo until now.

It was worth the wait.

No one helped me when I had a mullet.

This is excellent.  It’s almost modest, a pre-Pittsburgh, Stars-era James. Maybe the Preds equipment guys don’t provide the players’ favorite hair products in both home and away locker rooms, like Pens’ Dana Heinze.

Any new haircut needs to grow just a bit, but we are back in business.

I guess she likes my haircut too.

Photos from David Yurman in-store event, October 14.  This is a second, do-over haircut after the one Rich Clune treated us to on Twitter (resulting in the aforementioned mullet).

Some assembly required.

Nealer is featured on the Predators main page at the moment (in the acceptable pre-haircut days).  Does this mean he’s fitting in down in Nashville?  Ehhh, not quite yet – at least on the ice.  He’s got just two goals in six games and my fantasy team is not happy.  But the Preds are first in their division and second in the Western Conf (10 points), still undefeated in regulation and James’ short hair can only mean better days are on the way.

Cover guy

Here’s another teaser of the Preds’ Beneath the Ice series that kicks off with a James episode on October 25.  It’s not quite Dude Perfect, but there is potential for season-long reality bromance programming.

One more in which James says “roundabout” and nothing else happens.  At all.

Something about this video keeps breaking the link, try this if you can’t see it. 

To discuss whatever they are talking about while this plays in my head:

If there’s a pseudo-boyband version of a song, I prefer it.

Sid does get all cute talking about MacKinnon, like he’s a Scout Troop leader.  I guess it’s a relief from the usual business of deflecting questions: “Do you hate your boss?”, “Are you too old now?”, “What is taking so damned long?”

Pants, wake up, Pants. I’m about to smile.

As a publicist, we dream of guys like this: upload the script, read the script, act natural while saying exactly what I told you to.  As a person, I may have dozed off during the interview.  At least this chair looks up to the task for once.  No way he could sit all the way forward without flipping it.

On a different channel, Captain Partypants himself, Jonathan Toews, is having more fun in 2:18 than we’ve had since wakeboarding.

He wears this shirt like it’s those shorts too.

I know Sid did the self-depriacting, hilarious Cabbie “selfie” interview.  We loved it, and Crosby probably had to breathe into a bag afterward.  Jon, on the other hand, has this whole “I’m fun now” thing on lock.

Hold up: waterslides.  Please let that be the next charity participation trend.

So we make fun of “Captain Serious,” and Jon changes his tune.  Then we make fun of his game face and Jon claims it looks like:

That’s about a hundred derps shy of a Hawks broadcast, but we’ll let it slide.

Waterslide.

The Penguins are off till Thursday, while the Hawks host the Flames on Wednesday.  It’ll give Jon a chance to score his first goal of the season (0G, 2A in 2 games), and catch up a little with Sid’s 246 point pace (3G, 3A in 2 games).

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

Does this marshmallow cloud have seat belts? Otherwise all the kittens are going to fall off.

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

It used to be there was nothing better than John’s humble awkwardness (which lives on, of course):

At least you can’t see my bowl cut.

Now we also get this:

Plaid suit, because John takes notes.

Apparently John did summer training with Ralph Lauren.  While he wasn’t doing squats, he must have been tying windsors and choosing lapel cuts because yes.  100%.  This suit is so good, I assume PK Subban picked it out.

Can Crosby go to this camp? (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

In 223 games over four seasons with the Generals, John scored 183 goals and a total of 453 points. 453 points?! He had a 72 goal season in ’06-07. This back the day when footwork and skating were openly discussed problems in John’s game, which he worked on relentlessly until, well, you can watch him now.

Vintage.

I will openly discuss that I don’t need more good teams in the League. I have enough Metropolitan Division problems and the Penguins have Islander problems even when no one else does. But please, someone field John a team that is deeper than one line and figure out how to keep it together. I want to see more prom-style award acceptance photos.

This guy.  (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

The Islanders season kicks of October 10 in Carolina.  Could this be JT’s year?

#agreed

TWO scoops of ice cream.  Go crazy.

John turns 35 today… kidding, he’s 24.  Yes, in human years.  This clearly demonstrates why the Prime Minister of Canada only has to be 18, while President of the United States must be 35.  We just don’t make ’em like John down here.

Sid looks jealous.

Way back in March 2012, we featured John as Foxy Friday.  We dig the ‘hot middle school science teacher’ vibe, and let’s be honest – we need someone to file our taxes. Since then, we’ve spent many a post discussing tucked-in shirts, how nervous John gets when interviewed by a woman and that time he was selected Islanders Captain and said “heck” in his speech.

This is me being cool.

John is the perfect blend of awkward and awesome, of boy-next-door and we-grew-up-in-the-wrong-town.  If we ever go back to school, we’ll just print this blog out and hand it in as our senior thesis on John’s choice of pants.

Before.

He’d appreciate our use of the Scientific Method.

After.

Editor’s note to self for next blog: it’s tough to search posts about “pants” when you call yourself “Pants.”  But all talk of pants is good.

How you doin’?

Since being hurt in Sochi last year, John missed the end of a very promising season.  We can’t wait for him to come back in all his dorky glory, hair sticking out the top of his helmet, and give Crosby a run for the Hart.

That’s right, I said it.

May this be the season when Googling “John Tavares gif”:

This guy.

Gives you only John and no other hockey players.

What about me?

Because he’s worth it.

Beat it, it’s MY birthday!

So Happy Birthday, John Tavares and happy almost-hockey season to us!

We can’t keep a straight face either.

Their socks, you guys.

I don’t know where this came from, but I saw it in five places and decided that equals public domain.  They are so damned cute, I don’t think they’d care!  Everything is making me happy right now: Mr. Pants & I bought a house yesterday, Mike Green is both married and actually smiling, everyone’s a grown up and this season  is going to be fantastic.  Bring on the hockey.

Happy Monday.

Love, Optimism

Bless Snapchat.

We weren’t in the right place at the right time (never are!), but that doesn’t stop us from guessing that John and Sid were talking about in this hallway:

– Belts

– “Are your trousers slim cut? ” “No, all my pants fit this way.”

– Is John’s taking fashion tips from the oddly disheveled Trivago commercial guy?

– “Did you see that WWII/digging of the Panama Canal/how to build a Greek trireme special on History Channel?”  (Kidding, you know they watch Ancient Aliens.)

– How right-handed John does anything with his watch on his right wrist.

– Still belts.

– If you don’t recognize John without his full name, report to WUYS for detention.

– “I wonder what Pants will say when she sees this photo?”

“And if I don’t get what I want…”

– If Sid really had been arrested, would this have been his mugshot?

Noted criminal Sidney Crosby

– In addition to teaching science, John is in charge of the middle school Thanksgiving play. What does Sid think of these Pilgrim shoes?

It bugs him not to stand right on the X.

– Was shirtless beer pong discussed at this meeting?

“So I invited said her friend could join us…”

– In his tenure as the Dork King, John has ever looked as dorky as this?

First day of school

Is this the tightest shirt Crosby owns, or if there are more?

Made of Kevlar.

Why the Isles don’t have a PR person who takes pictures like this?  (Do they want one?  I might know somebody.)

This life, so hard.

No, really.  Pens PR Snapchatted this when the day was over.  Someone give this woman a raise, lands and title, crown, etc.

I’d get fired for taking this picture.

– Did this made John nervous?  More or less nervous than when we watch him at warmups?

That hair out of place at the back though.

This is going to be the best season, I can feel it.  Then next summer, Sid & John will take their blossoming bromance on tour like Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake, discussing  sound investment strategies and fancy stats in a city near you.

Man, I really need it to be October already.

Guys, hold me back.

This week is the 3rd Annual Jordan Eberle & Friends golf tournament for the Hospitals of Regina Foundation.  The event included a fundraising dinner called the Centre Ice Classic last night, featuring, as promised, Ebs & friends:

Bachelorette casting call, right this way.

Someone finally took our bachelor auction idea and put it to work – sort of.  People bid on spots to golf with celebrities, like #TeamHallsy:

There’s a pic of Gagner in this shirt, I swear.  

He went for $10,000?!  Does it guarantee he wears this chambray shirt? That’s $9,372.94 US dollars – @amandalitty and @jfrancesw might need some donations to reach that mark. We should do a Kickstarter campaign, yes?  Hell, this freaking guy raised $44,022 to make freaking salad!  We’d have enough left over to get something nicer better I’m kidding more expensive…

Just saying, that’s 50% more.  Those are expensive jeans.

Too bad this interview was before the auction, because I imagine the conversation would have been much more exciting after.

“Amanda and Jess just left me up there like….” while RNH gloats.

I don’t see where golfing with Ebs went for $44,023 USD, but I assume it happened because he’s got at least $1 more fair market value than potato salad.  I believe the auctioned golf happens today, so perhaps more pictures tomorrow.  Not that they could be cuter than this:

Higher-res, even cuter.

Since you’ll never get over that picture, or the hope #TeamBoyband will break into a choreographed dance routine involving folding chairs, remember this: with #TeamSam traded to every team in the League, Jordan Eberle is now the longest-serving Oiler in games played [link].  Feel old?  That’s what boybands do to a girl.

Completely gratuitous unrelated amazing photo. (source)

Now get to saving your money for next year.  Get a side job, rob a bank, we don’t care.  Save Hallsy!  Don’t make him give Amanda this look for spending all her money on nail polish when he put on that nice shirt and everything.

Enter this contest here, so #TeamHallsy feels loved.

As always, this post is tagged PUPPIES.  Because truth.