Without posting the entire Tumblr tag (Honestly, where do people find this stuff?), it’s safe to say you wish you went on to Cabo on spring break.

With the Oilers.

Puppy Bowl!

Do we want to know what happened to #TeamHallsy’s head? Presumably it was hockey-related, but I’m pretty sure he almost knocked himself out once by crashing into Ebs’ backside climbing a flight of stairs.

Nominating Amanda for lifeguard duty.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Cabo:

How big is Cabo? This was probably across the street.

And this? Docked right outside the lion cub petting zoo, I bet.

Cabo was like hockey Comic-Con last week (complete with stereotypical villain played by Raffi Torres).

Like any good vacation, the Olympic break left us tired and spent. We’re glad to have the NHL back but we’ll miss spring break, just a little.

Getting to the gold medal game was no easy feat for Canada.  Getting up at 7 AM on a Sunday was not easy for me.  Good thing we both brought our A games.

If I scripted yesterday’s gold medal match, it would go something like:

Jonathan Toews scores the first goal.  Squint and you can see his superhero outfit showing around the edges of his hockey gear.  There is nothing not to love and admire about the way Jon plays game.  He is a hero – his goal the game-winner, his heart the fiercest.

See, I sound like some Disney schmaltz already.

Then, without scoring a goal in the entire Olympic tournament, Sidney Crosby would find himself on a breakaway and put one past the goalie.  The Rangers goalie.  He doesn’t have to score to be Sid but damn it would feel good to shut people up.

After that he’d lose his helmet, just in case you didn’t remember what you were dreaming about before the early morning alarm.

At the break, some genius would drown out Milbury and Roenick with a shot of John Tavares looking sharp in a suit.  Gone is Friday’s ugly striped tie.  We’ll credit his adorable girlfriend with that one – now she’s really got the best seat in the house.

Canada would steer, if not quite dominate, the game – enough to allow my heart rate to drop below DEFCON ONE.  In the third, just to crush any comeback hopes, much-maligned Chris Kunitz would get his first goal of the Olympics.  Too little, too late?  Sock monkey, don’t care.

When the buzzer sounded, joy would erupt.  Hugs would fly.  Toews would fall on his ass in the net in celebration.

Aaaaaand there’s a GIF of this. Bless everyone.

Sid would do this.

PK Subban would emerge in full gear and help John make it onto the ice without crutches.

The anthem would play.  Medals would be distributed.  Toews would smile and derp at the same time, a combination previously thought impossible by science.

Jamie Benn would have a haircut and a bit of a shiner, practically raising his hand in the front row and begging to be Foxy Friday.

John would be the most polite person on Earth.

Thankyounod.

Sid would get teased, right up until they put that medal around his neck.

There would be moments to pluck your heartstrings:

Hair to envy:

And smiles for days.

My favorites would all line up, John’s pain over the season-ending injury would be eased and Matt Duchene would be gracefully grateful for his chance to step into the lineup.

And after, Team Canada would stay for the closing ceremonies.  Their victorious captain would do a mad dash backstage, searching for a pair of black pants to wear to the event.  Of course no one else’s pants would be up to task.

Alison would offer $50 to anyone who dropped something in front of Crosby, getting him to try to bend over in borrowed pants.  I say we can come up with a lot more cash than that.

Mike Smith would carry Marty St. Louis on his shoulders in the closing ceremonies Parade of Nations.

Is it called “Parade of Nations” or am I just thinking of EPCOT?

At the end we’d all turn our eyes toward the remaining NHL season.  Or later, if need be.  Hopes and dreams – the chase has just begun.

• Full Gold Medal game recap (Canada)
• Full game replay (US)
• Post-game Crosby interview

Epilogue: I wish we could have given Team USA a better ending.  Bronze at least. After Saturday, I can’t handle a replay of all the Sad Kaner Faces – or anyone talking about him as a failure.  Bad day.  Incredibly player.  Anyone who thinks otherwise based on one (or two) games, isn’t watching much hockey.

We didn’t pick the teams.  We wouldn’t have put them head-to-head until the gold medal game but let’s be honest, we can’t handle that.  We can’t even handle today.  Before we close our office doors and pretend to be throwing things and shrieking for work, let’s face off WUYS-style one last time.

Foxy Friday: Team USA vs. Team Canada 

You be the judge.

Team USA Goalies:

Quick, Howard, Miller

Team Canada goalies:

Price, Smith, Luongo

I think this frame is really Carey Price vs. the world, but perhaps you’re into over-long hair and disagree.

Team USA defense:

Faulk, Fowler, Carlson, Martin

I tried to help everyone out by picking photos of Justin Faulk and John Carlson that mitigate their fondness for 80’s metal hair.

Orpik, Shattenkirk, Suter, McDonagh

I even cropped a puppy out of Ryan McDonagh’s photo because that’s cheating.

Team Canada defense:

Bouwmeester, Doughty, Hamhuis, Keith

I’d have gone wtih four pics of Donuts (for each of his goals), but who knew Dan Hamhuis looked like that?

Pietrangelo, Subban, Weber, Vlasic

We hear Shea Weber is good at ping pong.  Invite him to that summertime charity tournament, right?  He can bring his short, stocky partner.

Team USA forwards (Part 1):

Pacioretty, Kessel, Oshie, Kesler

It’s not easy to find a viable photo of Phil Kessel.  Never have our makeover skills been so sorely needed!  Shine on, TJ Oshie, and hit him with your light.

Van Riemsdyk, Wheeler, Pavelski (See, Chuck!)

Also, Blake Wheeler coming through with some unexpected skill in this round.

Team Canada forwards (Part 1):

Sharp, Nash, Perry

Is any competition fair when Patrick Sharp competes?  His hair could win this on its own.

Geztlaf, Duchene, Kunitz, Marleau

Speaking of hair, I used the Ryan Getzlaf Time Machine here.  It had to be done.  Balance it against choosing a photo where Jimmy Howard doesn’t have crazy eyes – I tried to put the pretty filter on everyone.

Final round now, who’s going home a winner?  I saved the best for last.

Team USA forwards (Part 2):

Backes, Brown, Callahan, Kane

A half-smile is all Patrick Kane is allowed, like a handicap in golf.  Otherwise he wins every category, carrying Team USA to indisputable, upstate NY victory.

Stepan, Parise, Stastny

Paul Stastny going for the humor vote, because I could not find another decent photo.  Come on Colorado, get on it.

Team Canada forwards (Round 2):

Crosby, Benn, Carter, Bergeron

I don’t know who can withstand this.  Even Bergy’s giving you that look like he knows what you’re thinking about Crosby.

St. Louis, Toews, Tavares (weeeeeeep)

Then the JTs.  Sympathy points for Tavares are acceptable, but I’d rather have bonus points for seeing those glasses again.

Final Score…

You tell us: Which country has the foxiest Olympic squad?  Is it really a contest if you win either way?  We’re gonna need a bigger podium.

*Updated with names, for anyone who doesn’t spend all their free hockey blogging.

Team USA won.

Canada almost lost to Latvia.

Then they won.

But John Tavares left the game with a leg injury.

And didn’t return.

Now he’s out for the rest of the NHL regular season with a torn MCL. [link]

When the US and Canada face off tomorrow at 12 PM EST, there will be no John.

None of this face.

None of these no teeth.

No shorts.

No bromantical matching outfits because it’s Wednesday and on Wednesday, we wear sweatpants.

No jeans, or dream worlds I live in where Tavares and Crosby are friends who hang out and watch History Channel.

No two-strapping backpacks.

No rocking a huge access credential like the latest in runway couture.

Basically, no joy in the world.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad.  Not unless you’re an Islanders fan facing the rest of your regular season without the captain.  I’m being weepy and melodramatic because it’s just so very unfair.  Second overall in NHL points, potentially on his way to another Hart nomination, Olympic semifinal game… sigh.

But John wouldn’t want us to wallow.  He would want us to focus on the game.  I’ll turn my attention to hiding under my desk and eating my feelings because if you thought I was pro-Canada before, I’m going to be a mess tomorrow.

Maybe John will make it to the game.  I tore my ACL but could get into a chair (with immobilizer) the next day.  Will PK play?  Or will he serve a higher purpose in the press box?

While I’m dreaming through tears, why not ask for everything?  In-game, off-ice is the perfect place to debut glasses.  It worked for that other guy.

Anything would help right now.

Today, the USA made it worth their while.

#KesselCelebrationFace

America has always had a little too much fun vilifying the Russians, which didn’t end with the Cold War.  Just last month the NY Times did a feature about the legend of the Russian bad guy living on in movies, and how “it doesn’t make for as powerful drama as it once did.” [link]

Au contraire.  In Russia, vs. Russia?  While we’re dusting off Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone, the US vs. Russian hockey rivalry needs no freshening. Perhaps it exists every day on NHL ice – some of their best players are our best players.  Some of those best players leave to go back.  I imagined Ilya Kovalchuk cackling like Boris and Natasha as he jumped those boards in Sochi.

If non-hockey fans get out of bed in the wee Saturday morning hours of a holiday weekend, I’d say the US/Russia socio-political, entertainment media-ingrained, guns blazing and ‘spies are cool’ drama is alive and well.

Or maybe it’s really the hockey – let’s see how many of those people are up tomorrow morning to watch Team USA take on Solvenia.

After today’s performance, they just might.

Who designed the stats layout at www.sochi2014.com?  These yearbook roster photos are like cards in that old game Guess Who?  Shhh, Datsyuk-face will never guess you were really Cam Folwer!

They even footnote every fact in a player’s bio, like a high school book report (which kids probably don’t write anymore.)  Check out Cam’s profile.  As a dual citizen of the US and Canada, does he get an option who to play for?  If so, then America thanks you, Cam.

He can get this painted as a mural on the front of his house:

And this one inside:

Little Joe Pavelski also heeded the call, celebrating American values like freedom, taking the lead and rocking a ginger beard.

Then Datsyuk again, because the Russians never stop, and the game was tied.  Shootout ensued.  People hate the shootout – I love it.  Maybe not in medal rounds, like the NHL playoffs employ endless overtime to decide games that count.  But I defy anyone to tell me today’s shootout failed to electrify.

And confuse.

What are these rules?  I knew the same shooter could be called on multiple times in an international game.  I knew a shootout could go eight or more rounds.  I never considered the same person would be called on again and again (and again x 4) to JUST KEEP SHOOTING.

Obviously when lining up a shootout vs. Malkin, Datsyuk and Kovalchuk, anyone in hockey would pick TJ Oshie every time.  What, no?  Dan Bylsma believes in you, TJ Oshie!  AMERICA IS WATCHING!

So, TJ took six shots in eight rounds.  He scored goals on four of those shots.  Oshie Team USA shirts sold out everywhere and Americans are all, “Where do I send my money?!”

It’s a moment like that when we can proudly look around and say, “I’ve been telling you guys forever – hockey is awesome.”

Then tell them you’ll be over at 7:30 tomorrow morning, and you’re bringing donuts.

Come on in for an awkward celebratory hug.

We have enjoyed the women’s hockey very much, but so far the Olympics have too much figure skating.  I can’t take the pressure, the sheer shirts or the whole single/dual combat nature of the sport.  I need collective victory and shared blame.  I need teams.

So thank you, America, for winning your first game and doing so spectacularly.  At 8:30 AM I opened one eye, saw a 7-1 score and went back to sleep.  Highlights will suffice, especially those involving John Carlson (while he wears a helmet because this hair doesn’t translate into any language).

It was a multi-multi-point game for a lot of guys on the US roster and an excellent start to the tournament.

Almost as pretty as Patrick Kane’s smile in this McDonald’s commercial:

Now it’s time for Team Canada.  Am I excited?

Just a little bit?

Aw yeah.

Last week was Mom Week on the Penguins’ plane.  It was the first such trip and took them all on vaction somewhere warm in the dead of winter.  Mother’s Day, done.[video]

Penguins Instagram – Nisky’s mom looks so young!

Here’s Sid talking about taking your future mother-in-law joining him on the road.  I think Mama Cros makes him a little nervous, maybe?  He’s aw-shucksing his way through this interview big time  [video].

Penguins Instagram

The Caps did a Father’s Trip at the same time, and their dads all came because there was open bar.  Honestly, you need it to get through the Caps sometimes.  But they won 1 of 2 games the dads were at  – and in a big way: 5-0 over Montreal.  More shots! [story]

Mike Green’s dad & Ovi’s dad say, “Na Zdorovie!” Photo gallery here.

Meanwhile the Stars are on a Dad’s trip now, where Tyler’s showing off your future father in law and everyone except Dan Ellis’ dad is wearing a hoodie.  It’s all the rage with male lineage.  They’re taking their fathers to Phoenix and San Jose – and they’ll be rooming with their sons.  How cute. [link]

Stars Instagram

Instead of partying with parents, the Blackhawks threw a Super Bowl party.  What, pigs in a blanket?!  Laying around lethargically on sofas in pseudo-pajamas while that one guy at every party won’t shut up?  Athletes – they’re just like us. [Video]

The Lightning let Stamkos says he hopes to play Saturday.  THIS SATURDAY. [video]  Lindsay’s facedown in a bowl of rainbow sprinkles somewhere, burying her shrieks of joy.

If Stammer doesn’t go to Sochi, the NY Times examined possible roster replacements – including James Neal.  How do I feel about this?  When both scenarios are good and break my heart?

Meanwhile the Avs still waver about whether “Avalanche” should be plural or singular.  I have to strongly disagree with their decision.

How cute is this from the Wild?  I don’t mean Zach Parise’s grade school green screen cowlick, I mean a reading challenge!  This makes me want to hug a mascot.  What is the Wild’s mascot anyway? [Video]

Nashville went right for… um, what was I… hmmmm?

Article with words and stuff.

The Sharks shared how Tomas Hertl is recovering from knee surgery… with the cast of Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  This is just the fantastic. [link]

The Rangers played football on the ice prior to the NYC area hosting its first ever Super Bowl. [video]  Obviously they don’t know about that time James Neal got hurt (not) playing wiffle ball at practice.

Meanwhile the Canucks embraced crazypants Coach Tortorella, who returned from a 15-day (proofreading services by feochadn) suspension last night.  I have to say, in a work week like we’re having, I could use some “Best of Torts” [video] soundbites on speed dial.

I swear I went to the Flyers site to find something good.  I even clicked on this episode of “Flight Plan” [video] to really watch it.  But 50 seconds in, the title card:

STOP.  HEADDESK.  “Then” is a measure of time.  “Than” is a comparison between things.  I think Giroux, whose first language is obviously French, might be better at English THAN the person who made this slide.  I cannot watch more.  (Apologies to the Avs, your grammar problems pale in comparison.)

Finally, the Coyotes announced their name will change next season, from the Phoenix Coyotes to the Arizona Coyotes. [video]  It’s partially due to the fact they actually play in Glendale, a city which has paid a mountain of money to keep them.  And partially because “Princess Consuela Bananahammock” was already taken on that episode of Friends.  They’re also angling for an outdoor game under the desert sun. [link]

There you have it, a look around the League before the League takes a little vacation.  I must admit, I’m most excited about the Olympics as an exercise in efficiency – I only have to follow two teams, not 30.  Even if they’re all on at 3:30 in the morning.

I like goals and winning and the Caps need some of both very badly tonight. They’re winless in 5 games, including two shootout losses.  Ovi is a game-time decision vs. Ottawa, a game I’ll miss because I’m snowed in at home.  I will wear my Caps pajama pants though – they never get to go to games.  Or have nachos.

Ovi was on The Today Show yesterday, talking with Carson Daly about his starring role in the Sochi Olympics.  Most of you are probably not old or American enough to remember Carson Daly on Total Request Live but let me tell you: Chuck & I would have fit right in back in the day.

Turtleneck sweaters and pineapple hair and true love.

I understand Carson now hosts a reality competition show that I don’t watch. Good for him – he survived all those shrieking teens for something.  As for interviews, he and Ovi both say “excited” as convincingly as John Tavares does, but we believe them.

Video: Alex Ovechkin on NBC’s Today Show – Jan 20, 2014

Carson’s hair – part Elvis, part Robbie Williams

What you should really watch – and we wish had made national TV! – is this behind-the-scenes video from Caps Red Line.  Alex, you’re fun.  You say “excited” like you mean it and decline that makeup like a guy who makes $9 million a year and is engaged to a sassy fox.  (Side note: @mkirilenko, let’s be friends.)  This is the Ovi that even I cannot resist.

Also, Today Show anchors do a lot of hitting guests with paper – is that a thing? Just with athletes maybe.  Ovi’s into it.

He did however miss a prime opportunity to razz this dude in the Rick Nash shirt.

Gah, the end of the BTS video is so cute I don’t even know who I am anymore!

Get well Ovi, as in right now for tonight, and let’s get some Caps wins on the board.  Whatever happens in Sochi, and whether or not Crosby steals your Rocket Richard trophy (mwahahaha), please don’t make me look past the Rangers and Flyers to see you down there.

Add in childhood video, profile shots and candid confessions of previous disappointments and I feel like I just voted for something.

Will Stammer be ready to play in Sochi?  While everyone’s talking about Olympic dreams, this is one of ours.

Here’s the Olympic Men’s Ice Hockey schedule.  I’ve alerted my boss that I’ll need multiple days off – possibly two whole weeks – to watch these games in real time.

Sidney Crosby Reebok commercial: “Home”

Okay, day’s over! Blame Alison.

There are also a few new Crosby commercials on YouTube.  Here’s my wallet, Reebok, just take it.  I don’t even care what you’re selling.

Let me pause that for you.

Side note: I do care what they’re selling.  I have a pair of Reeboks with this “Nanoweb upper” and I hate them.  My foot slides all over the place. (/rant)

Here it is in French:

… which apparently requires a red shirt instead of green.  Shirt, I am looking at his shirt, people.

Workout videos always me want to run stairs and do squats – yes, really.  If you’re like me, here’s some instruction from Sid’s trainer Andy O’Brien.  While clearly designed for athletes, this could be re-packaged and advertised as the “Booty Like Crosby” workout if people wanted to make some serious money.

Fire Up Your Game with Reebok Canada and Andy O’Brien:

• Episode 1
• Episode 2
• Episode 3

Sid crossed a street in Edmonton last night, resulting in a thousand fan and creeper photos if you’d like to have an Awkward Crosby Tumblr laugh.  Not into the blue blazer/back t-shirt combo, Kid.

Or you could just click this photo for Team Canada’s super hi-res roster picture.

Canada – Understanding its Assets Since 1987

Consider this your Foxy Friday, because I won’t be doing anything else today.

That’s right – someone interviewed John Tavares, complete with curls and a boyfriend shirt, calling his parents in sleepy morning voice while sitting on an unmade bed.  And it was not I.

You guys probably think I haven’t posted this because I died watching it.  Truth is, it’s been in my email two whole days and I didn’t see it until right now. Made it about eight seconds before I had to pause it and post.  If I don’t live to see the end, know I was more excited about this video than John sounds about making Team Canada.  But not nearly as adorkable.

If I do survive, I’ll be over here wishing more things into existence.

For two solid weeks in February, you’re invited to our party.

Okay, it’s probably going to look more like this:

But the guest list is epic.  It’s  comprised of every Olympic snub – and there are some bold-faced names here.  To make sure our party lives up to the Russian’s, we’ve put our guests in charge of bringing a few key ingredients.  Consider it a gift registry without the wedding, and you don’t have to travel 16,000 miles to get to this reception.

Beer: Staal Brothers

It was a long shot for Jordan to make it, but we expected Eric to be defending Canada’s honor.  Since he can’t do it in Russia, he’ll make sure we do it here. They’ll book the jet they chartered home to Thunder Bay for Christmas, load it up and land it close.  Hope you guys like Labatts, Molson and sod because that’s all they’re bringing.

Liquor (except vodka): James Neal

Beer isn’t going to cut it for Nealmobile.  Neither, apparently, are more assists than Rick Nash has points, plus 16 goals, in fewer games.  Or better numbers since 2008.  No doubt James’ recent on-ice immaturity played a part, but growing up will have to come later.  For this we need to break out the (you thought I was going to say ‘big guns,’ right?) good stuff, skip the shot glasses and just go for it.  (He can bring his regular glasses, though.)

Vodka (and lots of it): Alex Semin

I don’t like Sasha – didn’t like him on the Caps, don’t care about him now – but getting left off the roster in your home country is awful.  Especially when he’s got a long history of representing Russia in international events.  Maybe it was due to his concussion earlier this season, but even I’ll drink to the fact it was a shame he got snubbed.  The Ovi & Sasha Reunion Show would’ve been a hit.

Games: Claude Giroux

Gingeroux thought he had this.  Normally the suffering of any Flyer makes me giddy as a Disney villain, but leaving him off Team Canada was just fickle and redheads are always welcome at our shindigs.  Based on his ability to play beer pong and cornhole with two casted, post-surgery wrists, we’re going to bet Colde can find a way to shoot around the pieces of his broken heart.  Heck, we’ll even crank the heat and make it #shirstoptional.

$5 Cover Charge: Intern Jeff Skinner

NHL’s First Star of the Week?  Good for 66.15 points to my fantasy team in just seven days, more than double what anyone else produced?  Hat tricks all over the place are awesome, but he’s still not getting in for free.

Fake IDs: #TeamEbs and #TeamHallsy

We know they’re both of age, but @amandalitty is bouncing and she just wants to know where #TeamHallsy lives, okay?  Plus we are not falling for that matching outfit, ‘No really, I’m Jordan Eberle’ trick that Nugent-Hopkins pulled the last time.

His phone: Jack Johnson

We’re prank calling Crosby all night – which will be 9 hours later there and he’ll probably answer until he blocks us and we leave amazing messages complete with singing.  These are the best kinds of messages.

Darkness: Brent Seabrook

Resident widow’s peak and most likely vampire, Seabs ain’t coming out till the sun goes down.  He slept all day, so he’s in charge of last call.

Selena Gomez CD: Logan Couture

This was his chance, you know?  Everyone watches the Olympics and there was bound to be a hockey clip during ice dancing, which people love once every 4 years.  If Logan could’ve been that highlight then Selena would have seen him and POW.  We’d be hired to promote their starring roles in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice Castles in the Ice coming out next Christmas.

His laptop: Bobby Ryan

Team USA’s biggest snub is in charge of Tweeting, Instagramming and live-blogging this party as it goes down.  Cats are allowed but absolutely nothing silver: no Coors Silver Bullet, no Patron Silver tequila, no games of quarters.

Not this shirt: Joe Thornton

The last time we partied like we were in college… well, we were in college.  We might have overlooked this shirt back then but the era of poor decision-making and Ed Hardy clothing has passed.   For heaven’s sake, there is a design on your jeans!  Give us your wallet, go tell Logan that Selena & Beiber are not back together and we’ll take care of this on Nordstrom.com.

Not any shirt: Victor Hedman

Does this party have a pool?  Victor Hedman is probably tan in February and we need a lifeguard – all these numbers that say Hedman should have been chosen make our heads swim.

Recycling Bags: Marty St. Louis

What the crap, right?  Marty may scowl disapprovingly at the pile of beer cans JStaal has crushed on his forehead, but that’s because he knows when the morning comes (or say, a 38th birthday), he’ll still be here showing these kids how it’s done.  Marty is the Last Dad Standing, so he’s on clean up.

UPDATE – Marshall: Tyler Seguin

How could I forget this?  All puppies are invited but especially if they bring Tyler Seguin.  And Tyler Seguin brings his dance moves.  (Thanks Jess!)

Jerseys, mittens, hats and flags: You 

Of course this hockey party will have hockey, and plenty of it, at all hours of the night and day.  If you saved vacation time, use it now.  While not all of our favorite players made it to Sochi, everyone from home to Russia will be supporting their country loudly and proudly.  And in some cases, other countries near their countries (maybe that’s just me).

If I didn’t pick your snubbed favorite, feel free to invite him.  We welcome anyone who brings snacks or is qualified to drive a Zamboni.

Before undertaking this Phil Kessel makeover reality TV show, perhaps we should have watched 24/7.  Perhaps Intern Jeff Skinner should stop terrorizing my team with multi-goal games and do some blogging so I can watch TV, but that’s not going to happen.  So we rely on friends.

.gif from bleedblueandwhite.tumblr.com

In her campaign to make  me and Lindsay , as she calls it, “Leafs tolerant,” Alison sent us this:

Right?  This makeover business isn’t going to be so hard!  First of all, Phil’s condo is major.  A four-poster bed and a  bathroom big enough for a hockey rink… I dream of architecture and natural light.  And their dog – a dog, you guys!

For cuddling!  In front of not three but FOUR TVs.  Are they all hooked to one remote?  If so, this is heaven.  Can I order pizza and/or launch the space shuttle from there?  I might not even need to throw a rager and invite you guys over.

I love how they set-decorated the living area (don’t try to tell me they have placemats out all the time) but didn’t bother even making Bozie’s bed.  BOYS. Maybe Phil is OCD for cleaning – AWESOME.  Live with a guy someday and you’ll wish for such ridiculous luxury.  Or that vase of (probably fake) flowers atop his dresser.

So, are we getting there?  Do matching thermals and toques (Canadian word alert), plus a bromance alive and well bring you a step closer to seeing Phil’s charm?  You can introduce your friends to his charming, homeless roommate.  That bit at the end about looking like idiots really melted our frozen hockey hearts.  Any chance they’d let us dog- and house-sit over the next road trip?

Don’t worry, we’ll be back with more installments of Presenting Phil Kessel.  Or what this really is: The Millionaire Matchmaker (Mr. Pants loves that show). Don’t worry Phil, we’ve got this.

Right now we need to watch 24/7.

Video: CBC – Defending Gold: Inside the Making of Canada’s Team

It’s thirty minutes inside the minds and meetings of Team Canada’s architects as they deliberate who’ll wear the red and white in Sochi just over a month from now. The Honorable Stevie Y presiding.

Showing these kids how it’s done.

From Olympic camp back in August, let’s talk about something that’s more awkward that Lucic’s face in this shot – Phanuef’s cardigan.  No, I’m kidding.  I cover my anguish with humor, people!  It’s how I cope.

I’m talking about Mike Green.

Mike is not going to Russia.  There are days when I’m surprised they even let Mike go to Caps games.   His exclusion from the 2010 Canada roster was considered by many a huge snub, a year in which he had 76 points (holy shit) and got his second straight Norris nomination.  Critics pegged Mike as “too offensive” – as in point-scoring, not bothersome – when CAN needed stay-at-home blueliners.  Well compared to 2010, this season is roadkill so I think we can just look away (from my broken heart).

Don’t despair for long.  Team Canada will not lack things to make me happy.

Gah, there is a polo shirt shop in heaven and I’d like to work there.

Most of our cast of The Bachelorette (Part 1, Part 2) are here, method-acting out the roles we assigned for our show:

The Quarterback, gazing into the distance at his achievable dreams with complete disregard for that ladder’s feelings.

The Kid practicing his cursive for writing notes in study hall.

The Class Clown making it all look fun.  (PK might lose this grin when he hears them debating him later in the show.)

The Hot One, rakishly ignoring the photo of his own crazy face in the background while testing the structural integrity of yet another folding chair.

The Quiet One and other French guys being French and quiet.

The Bromance being exclusive.

Fine, you make a better screencap.

Not lost on me was this moment of foreshadowing.  I believe this is the look Crosby and Kunitz gave Neal after a certain incident involving a knee and a head and the desire to make this team.

#disapprovingPenguinstare

The look inside Yzerman’s war room is fascinating, talking about pressure, second-guessing and the chemistry required to put together not only the best team, but the right team.  I got a little nervous when they talked about specific guys: Nash, #TeamEbs, Stammer’s injury.  “They will see this!  They’ll hear you!”  It makes no difference though; on January 7, Yzerman and Co. will have us on the edge of our seats.

Who will get a rose and who will be crying in limo?  Most importantly, what are we going to buy?

Now it’s your turn: give us your thoughts, surprising snubs and bets on Superman Stamkos getting the nod.  If Stammer and Tavares make the team, Tavares won’t wear 91.  My purchase decision anxiety mounts.

Side note: It’s nice to know Canadians suffer the same trials as Americans when it comes to online/in demand TV – being forced to watch the same commercials ad nauseum.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!

I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):

Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:

NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.

My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.

Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.

Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.

Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.

The Golden Goal was the moment my husband realized I am actually crazy.   Cheers in my building died immediately – except for mine.  Instead of being devastated by the US loss, stunned silent and saddened, I was screaming.  There was jumping and running followed by a lot of not knowing what to do with myself.  My love of Crosby topped my love of country (and a fairy-tale ending) that day and I am not ashamed.

Needless to say, I am excited for the Olympics.  I’m only slightly less excited for the onslaught of commercials that revolve around the Games – and with 40 days until Sochi, they have begun.  They have begun!

I CAN’T!!!!

Let’s start with John Tavares’ face game face.  And his voice.  Holy Hannah, somebody give this guy a phone book to read and let me pay for the podcast.

You giggled when he looked at the camera, didn’t you?  I did.  I still am. When someone tells you to be serious and you can’t keep a straight face to save your life, just try squinting.  His hair is flawless though.  Let’s get over this lower-body injury and get this coif back on the ice stat, s’il vous plaît.

(Side note: This video was posted December 6 and I just found it.  Three weeks!  Intern Jeff Skinner is so fired.)

Every year, Canada takes to reminding themselves that hockey is their sport.  So far I have encountered zero Canadians in danger of forgetting this, but it’s very patriotic and rousing and jealousy-inducing so here you go:

Ahhh, Donuts!  We haven’t mentioned Drew Doughty around here in a while. Nice to see his floppy flow again – which is promptly upstaged by a glimpse of Stamkos as brief and wondrous as our hopes that he’ll be healed in time for Sochi.  Marketing at it’s best.

Canadian Tire makes excellent use of resident superhero Jonathan Toews to pay tribute to all that goes into hockey, starting with his parents.

There’s also a :30 version of the commercial, a behind-the-scenes video from the shoot and an extended interview with John & his dad about their backyard rink.

Superhero smile

We Americans have seen Zach Parise’s charming face during every play stoppage for nearly a month.  This after-school special should come with PB&J.

There will be more heartstring-plucking, chest-pounding, flag-waving ads in the days to come.  If you see one first, send it to us!

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.

First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.

Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.

The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.

Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).

The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.

Instagram

The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

The players all look so happy – almost as happy as I would be if this were a t-shirt shop and I had a bag full of Canadian money.  Collect all 48!

There are moments when, as part of the unfreezing process, you have no inner monologue.  So here’s mine, in yellow and red, as this was going through my mind out loud:

Toews love-fest from the Calgary Sun

Family Photo!

Click photo for larger version – from Sporting News

Hey, zoom in!

These two.

Or maybe…

Now with MORE arrows!

There are more videos at TSN (right sidebar).  Endless footage of fit guys running around sounds like the perfect way to spend a Tuesday.

Coming Soon: another round of The Bachelorette.  But first this bonus round…

Will JT91 be named next captain of the Islanders? – NHL.com

And click this one for the new desktop wallpaper of your life:

You’re welcome.  Love, Canada

While the internets, Alison and Lindsay, and our twitter feed is all a flutter with Team Canada’s Olympic Camp, all we’ve got from Team USA are crickets.

Now we know that hockey is the #4 sport in this country and we’ve reluctantly come to terms with this but the appalling lack of coverage is making us feel decidedly less patriotic.

TSN has got all the video & interviews.  All we got was Dustin Byfuglien’s man boobs.

Look, we get that Team Canada has a disproportionate amount of talent.

We get that their roster looks like the next season of “The Bachelorette.”

We get that the Olympic gold medal is theirs to lose.

But come on! Don’t forget about the Red White & Blue!

Hey thurrrrrrr….

Team USA does have one very important thing going for it.

Forty-eight of the players that showed up to Kettler Ice Plex in Virginia this week have played together on a US National teams over the course of their careers.  In fact, when team gear was passed out this week, there were no name tags.

Everyone knows each other. Everyone is friends. It’s all just one big happy family.

Team USA has an average age of 24.6 years old.  Zach Parise and Dustin Brown are considered the “veterans”.

They are 29 and 28, respectively.

Nine players from the US team that won bronze at World Champtionship as well as players from the team that won gold at World Juniors were all invited to camp.  There is John Gibson, age 20. And Alex Galchenyuk, age 19.  Jacob Trouba, age 19.

With the exception of the young whippersnappers, many of the returning players were on the 2010 team that suffered that heartbreaking loss in Vancouver.  You know that their collective disappointment over that being so close to the gold medal is going to fuel their fires.

Although they won’t be able to skate during camp due to insurance issues, the team will have plenty to do during camp – one-on-one meetings with Coach Dan Bylsma, team bonding, braiding friendship bracelets and making smores by the campfire.

Team USA will be at the Washington Nationals game tonight, so if you happen to be there and see  Ryan Kesler, Patrick Kane,  Jonathan Quick, Bobby Ryan, Keith Yandle or any of the other guys, say hello.  Give ’em a high-five and one of these.

I’m sure they’ll appreciate your patriotism.

AMERICA!!!

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/08/27/team-america/feed/ 15