When hockey comes back in October, demanding all our time:
How I feel about 99% of social media in-season:
And the rest of the media:
Friends who don’t follow hockey but still try to read this blog:
When Cosmo does a list of hottest players:
When someone writes a bullshit “Girls Guide to Hockey”-type article:
Movember:
When Crosby hasn’t scored in five minutes and everyone’s freaking out:
When Sid scores on the next shift:
Watching Blackhawks TV and a coworker passes your desk:
Distinct kicking motion?
When someone cool announces they are a Flyers fan:
Except Giroux, damn it:
Twitter rumors:
James Neal pre-game:
Me on a James Neal Good Day:
Me on a James Neal Bad Day:
When friends ask why they haven’t seen you since October:
Trying to watch Western Conference games:
John Tavares post-game:
Trade deadline:
When your team gives up a late goal:
When your team wins:
When your team loses:
When Mr. Pants tells me to calm down because it’s just a game:
When you swear you’re never watching hockey again:
Chuck and I, everyday:
I could go on – and I will, promise. I may expand into other Benedict Cumberbatch and/or Martin Freeman projects and I reserve the right to claim anything produced by the BBC as fair game. But mostly Sherlock. Watch it now (while you have time) and I promise this will all be much funnier to you later.
]]>Or really just nine guys and Jamie Benn.
Photos by D Magazine
This magnificent example of democracy in action has inspired us to campaign on Jamie’s behalf. So far our efforts include this blog post and reminding you of Jamie’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video.
See what a haircut can do?
We have to give Tyler Seguin a lot of credit for raising Jamie’s profile – but not too much. Jamie’s like Seguin-lite, the version you could take home to mom without praying she’s never heard of a Google image search.
Male jewelry, because we’re liberal.
He’s smart too, and clearly knows his way around a PR pitch: his favorite movie is The Sandlot, he wants four kids, he would have been a firefighter. After that, you hardly need us to remind you to #VoteJamie here.
#DMostEligible
Cat got your caption?
You better believe I thought I’d shuffled off this mortal coil, right there in front of the bulk lentils. I wondered how, in the distant future, when my husband met me in the afterlife I would explain that picture of Jonathan Toews that had done me in all those decades ago.
Alas, this is real. Congratulations to us – no way we earned it, but we accept.
My thoughts, in order, as the Jonathan Toews ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video came into my life:
ShutupohmyGod.
This is because of that time I said Kane had become more attractive, isn’t it?
All
I didn’t mean that.
Really, it was crazy talk.
about
What kind of shorts are those?
Is he just surfing now? How long can momentum last? Oh the boat’s slowing down. This should be a science program.
that
Jon use to be boring and serious. Now look. Can we expect this from John Tavares in the future and exactly when will this occur because the calibrations on my time machine must be exact.
He’s got tan lines for these shorts. He’s been wearing them all summer.
bass
I wish this were in hi-res. Probably better it’s not though. I’m barely over Benedict Cumberbatch’s “Ice Bucket in the Shower” video.
Am I still in the supermarket? All these people are looking at me. It’s only been 45 seconds. They must think I’m comparing all these beans.
’bout that base
Is it over? Don’t be over.
No, you keep the bucket.
no
One last shot. The Blackhawks were right with Jon’s contract: he’s a 10.5
treble.
Wow. I finally figured out what to tell my husband when we meet at the Pearly Gates. Remember when Rant Sports ranked 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat?
Toews is #1. Told ya so.
Reminder: If you can, please donate to ALS research at www.alsa.org. This campaign has raised a huge amount of money, but it’s important to remember that it’s not just about wakeboarding and hot pants. Real people are benefiting from all this attention.
]]>
Day 3’s video would have been another mediocre offering but was salvaged by two things: impossibly tight super hero t-shirts and Michael Del Zotto’s samurai ponytail.
MDZ’s hair has always been fantastic and his new man bun is kinda working for me. In case you didn’t know, man buns are cool now.
A thousand blessings the BioSteel Sports intern whose job it was to run to the nearest Target and buy up every superhero shirt in the boys’ back to school section.
Size XS
I laugh at you, Tensile Fabric Strength.
I know not everyone is a fan of Tyler Seguin or his sleeve tattoos, but I leave you with this photo (and my new phone wallpaper) to help you change your mind.
from www.twitter.com/biosteelsports
This shirt is holding on for dear life…and so am I.
]]>But lately we’ve been so hungry that we are getting HANGRY.
Enter BioSteel’s #CAMP.
This year’s menu has not totally satisfied us, but Day 2 of Camp has given us some snacks that have been particularly tasty, like…
The Slow-Motion Walking Snack
The Arm Candy
Booty Biscuits
Goals so yummy like chicken nuggets. Especially Josh Ho Sang’s. That one was all kinds of saucy. #DangHoSang
The delight confection that is Cabbie Richards. (Seguin’s derp face makes this photo exceptionally saccharin.)
Michael Del Zotto. He is just cold and thirsty. If only he could figure out how to get the lid off…
We’re hoping Day 3 makes a run to the 7-11 for some more delicious treats.
Namely the shirtless and sweaty kind.
]]>
Hockey!
Cross-training!
Tyler Seguin slow-motion water bottle squeeze!
Wearing a shirt makes him thirsty.
This year’s captains are Tyler, Michael Del ‘I Am Employed’ Zotto, Wayne Simmonds and Michael Cammalleri, who has been 35 years old for eight seasons. Seriously, someone look into that.
In Hollywood years, I’m 27.
These videos always make working out look really fun, like elementary school Field Day plus sleeve tattoos and social media. It makes you want to pursue education and get a real job, like this:
Overlooking MDZ’s ponytail in the name of science.
#CAMP is also your chance to pay attention to some up-and-comers and prospects. You can see the draft, full team rosters and more photos here: TSN Bar Down.
Editors’ note: Was there something on that page below this?
NopeNopeFlyersNope.
Notable absences include Steven Stamkos, who is reportedly nursing an injury that kept him off the ice at last week’s Barrie Colts event, James Neal and Intern Jeff Skinner, who is making copies in the other room.
Without those guys, I don’t know that I can call Camp Biosteel my favorite part of the summer. Obviously there are pluses (and biceps), including Biosteel’s enthusiastic use of social media and the fact their beverage probably helps with hangovers. The main competitor, Andy O’Brien’s Travelling Circus, is not likely to post video or take us out drinking.
But it continues to bring Crosby, MacKinnon, Duchene and Tavares to a town near you. Next stop: Vail.
Bring it in.
Bro-hug gifs from TSN’s BarDown as well – I cannot stop laughing.
No, all the way.
Tough to compete with that roster, but we’ll take a lot more Camp Biosteel videos for research purposes. And biceps (while we can still like MDZ).
]]>So naturally, it was time James Neal did the challenge. He’s a proud member of Team Tank Top – or, if you shop at Old Navy, Team “Tami” because that thing is so long I can’t tell where the shirt ends and his shorts start.
(I can’t help noticing this dock was dry when Melanie did the challenge. Which probably means James made her go first. )
How does one dress to match a sleeve tattoo? The answer: you don’t. Of course James is wearing a hat – you knew he wasn’t going to give us anything that good. And it’s not like any of his teammates went shirtless… oh wait. James plays for the Predators now.
Rich Clune Ice Bucket Challenge
I always wondered what “apple bottom jeans” meant.
Neal’s going to have to stop up his game if he wants to get noticed in Nashville. At least he doesn’t have to compete with soccer players:
(Thanks to Alison, our top futbol correspondent.)
PK Subban went for the hockey version of this look: jockstrap over the shorts. The NHL’s Best Dressed Man strikes again. It seems unfair that he, in turn, nominated the Worst Dressed: Phil Kessel. We can only hope Phil has spent his summer reading our blog posts about John Tavares’ pants.
Meanwhile, Gary Roberts wants all these pretty boys to know he could kick their asses, make a kale smoothie, check his email and DVR American Ninja Warrior before they even got up off the floor.
I feel like Robs can see the bacon, egg & cheese I’m eating right now. Bye internet.
]]>The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research. Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns. The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year. Everyone is doing it: Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it! Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research. If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.
And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest. (So you know – this took forever to compile. I watched hours of videos. It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)
Me: “No. No way. No way!”
Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday. I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic – A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.
Now who needs a cold shower?
Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge. So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.
The “This Looks Familiar”
Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video. Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background? Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot. Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.
Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.
Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.
Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).
The Intern Project
We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog. This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then. And white?! What a flirt. Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?
Team Tank Top
Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada. I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.
Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video. Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer. You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.
Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.
Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video. #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park. It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.
The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.
Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs. He’s got to keep up with Taylor! Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant. Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.
Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video. How is that fair? His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!
Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy. Did they have a conference call about what to wear? Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?
The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team”
Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off. Or something he couldn’t hit on. I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.
Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video. Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now. (Too skinny? A little?) Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.
Benn-d and Snap
In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video. This is everything that’s right with the world.
Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer – and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge. They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.
The Other Birthday Boy
It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes. Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.
The NSFMyLife
John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video. There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right? That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?
Is this going to be on the test?
What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice. If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.
That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt
Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video. Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.
The US judges give this a 6.
He’s 21, You Guys – I Swear
And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water. Promise.
Guys Chuck Likes
The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res. Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore? Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:
Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing. He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna. Stand up straight, man!
Kim Bauer Did It
Oh yeah, and her husband too. The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video. Alison loves these guys. I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA. Jack Bauer would disown that mess.
I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.
The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”
He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool. (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator. Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.) Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?
Coach Q is My Favorite Coach
Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.
My Goalie is a Banana
What can I say? I trust this man with my GAA. They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party. Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video
Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower. Dad is ready.
Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head
Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.
The Hot Dads
“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it. Then we’re going for ice cream.”
Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video. From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course. Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl. (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)
Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.
Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video. Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show. They’ve already created the poster:
No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.
Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video. Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts. Just saying, that’s a Harvard man. (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013. Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)
Vote early, vote often.
The Overachievers
Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt. His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course. Talk about bigger.
You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.” He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies. Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here. And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.
The Suits
Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video. Max is responsible now. He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it! He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.
Business in the front, party in the shoes.
Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video. Borts, what is that tie?! Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie? It’s not working. Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it? We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.
This yard wants to party, Project X-style.
Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge. I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all. Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal. I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him. Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here). Did I miss his video somewhere?
While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.
]]>There’s a game I like to play with Lindsay and Alison. I call it:
Inner/Outer monologue or Tomorrow’s Blog Post?
In today’s episode: my reaction to watching this video.
FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WEAR A TIGHTER SHIRT, JOHN! And in Islanders colors, of course. He’s like an Ice Girl. I had to pause and rewind so many times it wouldn’t let me stop the video again.
Then I got to Intern Jeff and had a fit of hysterical, boy band-induced laughter. The video promises someone named Matt Bollard, who Alison pointed out looks a lot like David Clarkson.
I may be certifiably insane. I checked my work email on the way out the door and saw the biggest, hugest, horriblest project that came through for my coworkers to do while I’m gone. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Then give me John Tavares in sweat-wicking Lycra and Crosby with a tan.
Nate keeps going faster so he can almost brush Sid’s arm. WE ARE ON TO YOU, KID. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE.
Sweet mercy, a child who is shorter than the caution tape barricade. My ovaries just collapsed like a souffle.
Please explain something: how do these people keep their hands to themselves? Is caution tape all it takes to keep Canadians in line? They’d have to put me in a cage and I’d still get out, with limited power of speech and no pants on, like Planet of the Apes.
John has barely been seen all summer, the suddenly THIS. He went away a few months and came back remodeled like Extreme John Makeover. And riding in the back with the bags, natch. Could it be that Crosby is getting edged out of his Matt Duchene bromance by John? Could Matt be any more like, well, me?
Clearly our work as John’s publicists/wardrobe consultant is getting results. If you’re going to wear jeans and long sleeves in summer, let it be this:
Can we win an award for this? Is that award a go at Phil Kessel’s closet?
Remember, started from the bottom belted khakis:
Now we here:
John looks so good that Matt isn’t sure how to stand next to him. We aren’t sure how to make it to October! And of course, we don’t want John to get too cool and stop saying “darn” or anything. Just stick with us and these jeans, kid.
]]>Dancing.
Toews/Kane Dance Off 2014 [video]
Shooter McGavin.
(If you’re a Lightning fan, this is easy. Stamkos would bust out a perfect Step Up dance routine [circa Channing Tatum, of course], complete with his shirt either open or off. For the rest of us, well… maybe “hands in pockets” will become to new dance craze.)
At least Sid caved to the selfie pressure first.
Pretty good for a rookie.
There were myriad other highlights of the BHC2014, not the least of which was Brad Richards sitting alongside the dancing like that really uncomfortable lady with the rowdy friends in the front row at Thunder From Down Under, judging the distance between herself and the nearest emergency exit. He’s thinking, “Remember that time I made $12 million a season and did’t dance? Not for $2 million, new friends.”
There’s a cap on this empty bottle, isn’t there?
While we didn’t attend BHC2014, I think we’re ready to make a bold statement based on thirty minutes of Tumblr research: this is the summer that Patrick Kane officially became more attractive than Jonathan Toews.
Say that again, into this mircophone.
Am I wrong? Since Kaner started cleaning up his act (not too much, please) and keeping his hair under control, not to mention wearing the heck out of a golf shirt, Toews has been running to catch up. Oh he’s fun now! Jokes about his grumpiness, couples Halloween costumes: Jon has really made an effort. There are matching contracts, his-and-his Conn Smythe trophies, but is it too little too late? Watch the dance video again. When it comes to the inevitable Zoolander-style Walk Off, who is your money on?
What did she say? All I hear is that cash register sound.
Meanwhile, can we get said walk-off confirmed for next year’s BHC agenda? And when do tickets go on sale?
gif from toews-rage.tumblr.com
Guys, hold me back.
This week is the 3rd Annual Jordan Eberle & Friends golf tournament for the Hospitals of Regina Foundation. The event included a fundraising dinner called the Centre Ice Classic last night, featuring, as promised, Ebs & friends:
Bachelorette casting call, right this way.
Someone finally took our bachelor auction idea and put it to work – sort of. People bid on spots to golf with celebrities, like #TeamHallsy:
There’s a pic of Gagner in this shirt, I swear.
He went for $10,000?! Does it guarantee he wears this chambray shirt? That’s $9,372.94 US dollars – @amandalitty and @jfrancesw might need some donations to reach that mark. We should do a Kickstarter campaign, yes? Hell, this freaking guy raised $44,022 to make freaking salad! We’d have enough left over to get something nicer better I’m kidding more expensive…
Just saying, that’s 50% more. Those are expensive jeans.
Too bad this interview was before the auction, because I imagine the conversation would have been much more exciting after.
“Amanda and Jess just left me up there like….” while RNH gloats.
I don’t see where golfing with Ebs went for $44,023 USD, but I assume it happened because he’s got at least $1 more fair market value than potato salad. I believe the auctioned golf happens today, so perhaps more pictures tomorrow. Not that they could be cuter than this:
Since you’ll never get over that picture, or the hope #TeamBoyband will break into a choreographed dance routine involving folding chairs, remember this: with #TeamSam traded to every team in the League, Jordan Eberle is now the longest-serving Oiler in games played [link]. Feel old? That’s what boybands do to a girl.
Completely gratuitous unrelated amazing photo. (source)
Now get to saving your money for next year. Get a side job, rob a bank, we don’t care. Save Hallsy! Don’t make him give Amanda this look for spending all her money on nail polish when he put on that nice shirt and everything.
Enter this contest here, so #TeamHallsy feels loved.
As always, this post is tagged PUPPIES. Because truth.
]]>
No, really. You’re kidding.
Well, duh. No one is 100% in the post-season. He wasn’t going around blaming his play on his wrist or anything else, so bravo to Sid. Only don’t clap until after surgery.
According to the stories, Sid was unavailable for comment. This all came from “a source close to the star.” Well, we found that source:
Future Hot Dad
That baby knows everything, including that her life as probably peaked WAY TO SOON and that we might be a *little* jealous. 100% of the Crosby awkwardness we adore is on display here, including the fact that he will never ever say no to someone who asks for a photo.
There’s also a chance “wrist surgery” is just code for “no more selfies,” since Sid kinda let this one phobia get away from him. That’s why you just stick to your crazy, Crosby, because there is no going back.
Right about there.
I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee back in high school and it’s nearly bionic now – much stronger than my un-repaired knee. It’s almost a shame to know Sid won’t spend his recovery time having any fun…
Be honest. You’d go to this party.
But if there’s anything we can help with, just call.
Where was this job when we were choosing college majors?
We’ll be right over.
Oh, we know where to sit.
Me at 3 PM daily.
The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:
Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik
No one can see us in these jerseys.
To the Capitals! Hello friends! Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty. The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks. Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green? New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs. Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.
He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.
Thomas Vanek
Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back. Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money. Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island). He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home. Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.
Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.
Matt Moulson
Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall. The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March. Today he went back… to Buffalo. To the worst team in the League last season. That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.
I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.
The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go. We’re coming for you, hon.
“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia
Jarome Iginla
The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys. They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season. They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla. Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million. We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.
Could still score on Roy.
Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.
My response to everything on UFA Day.
Paul Stastny
Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million. At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year. I need to talk to my boss about a raise. Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?
Orange is the new Avs.
Ryan Miller
In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night. Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise! Who knows that will fall out. Perhaps that is finally over. Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.
Just don’t look at the punctuation.
Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.
Brad Richards
Sad Brad no more? After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today. Ho-ly crap. New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful. He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.
#partyhard
We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway. NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.
Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.
Gingerbeard dreams.
There are so many more. Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle. Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida. Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames. Here’s the full list. It will only get longer tomorrow.
Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.
]]>
I was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone. I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:
James Neal
UGH. Sad Pants. In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself. I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy. You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal. Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there. I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad. Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team. Should the Pens have waited? Maybe. 40 goals is a lot to see leave. But I’m not surprised. In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.
In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling. Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart]. Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job. He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice. Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here. Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.” Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time. Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford. I’ve never watched either of them play. But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world! For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.” Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy. Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right. You don’t have to find someone in Nashville. Maybe those folks will find us.
Michael Del Zotto
The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA. This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal. Hair product stock prices dropped. Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs. Oh wait, that was me.
Danny Briere
To Colorado! When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately. After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential. Will he play more there? No. But I’ll watch them more. The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.
Ryan Kesler
When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks. Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands. After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks. The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett. Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival? If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.
It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results. If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.
Sam Gagner
Oh Sam. The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind. Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen. The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours. Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow. One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video. Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again. Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me. And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)
More, more, more to come all day. No one is safe. I’ll be watching like this:
Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…
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I don’t see my picture.
Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.
Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.
#iwanttolooktan
Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.
We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.
The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:
Hands in pockets. IN them!
Who cares?
Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date. Cute cute cute. We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.
She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”
Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough. We have a lot style envy going on here.
Gold standard
Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.
Gah, her shoes too!
Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins. His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.
Not enough Aqua Net in the world.
Oh snap. I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes. The very ones our Lindsay was loving. Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?
Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson. Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.
It’s just raining on our faces.
Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina. He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask. His speech was great.
This is what panic looks like.
And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.” I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators. Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.
Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.
Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?
You wish you grew up here.
PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.
Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com
The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?
Bailey may be the most fun mascot.
The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.
How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”
Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.
I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas). Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments. Oh, and Smashball is coming soon. If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!
Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.
Since it would appear summer has really arrived, it’s time to find other things to write about. First up is the best thing currently happening on the internet:
LEGO John Tavares (legojohntavares.tumblr.com)
Oh yes. An entire Tumblr of mini-fig Captain John doing hilarious and random activities, like getting a dog, building a sandcastle and, of course, celebrating Easter by destroying a NY Rangers egg.
Please consider three important things:
1) Someone made this.
2) That someone was not me.
3) No one told me about it.
Me finding this Tumblr was like Harry Potter finding out magic is real and other people can do it too. This is my person.
This idea is especially perfect if you’ve seen The LEGO Movie, because you know JT91 is about following the instructions and being a team player and he undoubtedly gets ready like this every morning:
The John Tavares Tumblr tag is basically blank. I know he’s been out ages but come on, people! We’re never going to get Johnny T summertime suntan boatselfies if you don’t… okay, we’re never getting those anyway. Still the off-season doesn’t mean you can just forget about people.
To the mind behind LEGO John Tavares, we salute you. We understand you. In fact, we invite you over for a barbecue and if you want to stay and be best friends forever, well that’s okay too. The rest of you, remember:
We still can’t center things. Blogworld problems.
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In fact, the off-season is what some people do best. Maybe they’ve been hanging around, waiting for us to get here….
Hi Mike.
For me, the last hurdle is today’s Penguins Break-Up Day. Already the boys have shaved their beards. Hell, Nisky, would it have killed you to cut your hair? At least you’re t-shirt is A+, unlike Neal’s. Yet you are both outperformed by 19-year old Casanova Olli Maata, who bought ice cream for a pack of girls. Bravo.
Also this happened. I cannot cite a source (presumably said person lasted just long enough to Tumblr, then fainted), but I could drink to this all night.
With Borts. Make mine a double.
See? I feel better already. We’ll have to give Chuck a few more days.
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You know what that means?
More of this!
And this!
And hopefully much MUCH more of this!
#SquatsSoHard
#HatTip to Tyler and Co. for even making the playoffs and for holding their own against the Ducks. I’m sure that Seguin would rather still be playing hockey, but I think that he’s gonna just fine.
Also fine (both literally and figuratively) – Jamie Benn. Seguin’s life partner will no doubt be spending his summer making Pants I and fall more in love with him.
Bless your heart, Instagram.
We are girding our loins in preparation for what Mr. Seguin and social media holds for us this summer.
This is actual quote.
Judging by the photos above, I think we’re off to a great start.
#TeamEbs took over the NHL Instagram account and used the opportunity to make fun of Molly Ringwald.
Our favorite boy band also introduced an act at the Canadian Country Music Awards. (All the things I love – hockey, Canada, country music – in one place.)
The NHL had their Media Day and Sidney Crosby took his hockey stick to the prom (again).
John Tavares was named the 14th captain of the USS NY Islanders. Just when you think it can’t get more adorkable, he says “heck” in his speech, wears black shorts with black shoes and just about kills us all. (Press conference | Interview)
He also did a… workout video. That should be Rated R. Hey! I am not the one who says “explosive hip thrusts” fifty times.
Proof that JT91 is the nicest: Everyone says “Tavahhhres” while John says “TavAIRes.” I bet he never corrects anyone.
Also, the Hawks went to a Bears game.
Resulting in the best Tweet of the weekend:
(Source: @Drunk_Kane88, thanks to @Brn_idPensGrl for the send.)
The Penguins annual season ticket delivery happened. This would need to take place with said Penguin being delivered to my house in an ambulance, then my mom could drive him home after the EMTs take me away.
As per usual, Crosby went to zero houses where anyone under 60 lives. He did sweat his was handsomely through the attention.
What’s cuter than awkward Sid? GENO! I have missed you! He is 12 feet tall and doesn’t brush his hair. Those are some Russian jeans he’s got on too. Who cares?! I want to hug him.
You can see them all at the Pens website, including this moment where Neal signs a baby.
Speaking of Penguins, it’s JStaal’s birthday today. I miss him. Let’s all take a moment to wish the Canes a good season, and then eat some cake.
Jordan was our very first Happy Birthday post in 2010, and again in 2011.
This happened two weeks ago and I never even saw it – The Mike Green Clinic on What Shoes to Wear With Golf Shorts:
Source: Twitter
Do you think d-men like Green and Seabs enjoy seeing scorers like Stammer and Bergy in the off-season? One more from this tournament…
That’ll teach me to go on vacation. Just wait until the season starts! I may not survive. I’m sure there’s more right now but I must work because that Game Center Live bill is coming soon too.
(Who am I kidding? Start that workout video again.)
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All franchises except the Bruins.
Perhaps they were and I just wasn’t looking hard enough, but at least that is the way that it seemed to me. Other NHL franchises were using the immence power of the internet and social media and making their fans, new and old alike, fall butt-crazy in love with them.
To me it just seemed that the Bruins’ media relations/marketing/promotions departments didn’t get “it”. And by “it”, I mean their fans’ deep desire and thirst to know the players on a level beyond what happened on the ice. We are a city obsessed with sports and championships and social media, but there was something missing.
We all know that know that hockey players are some of the most down-to-earth, goofy, and humble athletes on the planet. But the casual fan or the person who is just making their tentative steps in to the world of hockey fandom might not. When you’re the #4 sport in the US and attempting to recover from a soul-crushing lockout, you need one thing – You need people to fall in love with you.
They only way to get someone to fall in love with you is to show them who you are – who you truly are. Strip away the gloss and bring it down to what matters in this sport. Grit. Determination. Passion. Personality. That is how you are going to get people to love you.
Perhaps that is about to change.
On September 9th, NESN (aka New England Sports Network) will premiere a 13 episode series called “Behind the B”, giving fans a look into the life and times of the Stanley Cup Champs. The program is narrated by Boston guy & hockey fan Denis Leary.
This is the first time ever that the team is going to be doing this and I’m hoping that this is going to be exactly what I’ve been waiting for.
Click on image to watch trailer
My DVR is set. And you know can expect some posts about the episodes on this blog. Particularly about ,Adam McQuaid’s hair, Peter Chiarelli’s hockey genius, and Patrice Bergeron’s face.
Because it is perfect. Even Nash can’t help but stare.
For those of you not in the New England area, I really do hope you get a chance to see it somehow.
You might not love the Bruins, but I suspect that you might like them a little more when you get a chance to know them.
Plus they got Iggy now, so there’s that…
Adorbs.
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