The NHL has fully adopted it.

Two-star rating? Keep it at full price.

Whew. That’s what the hangover feels like after you’ve been roofied at a party in the Hot Tub Time Machine.

Here, hold my quilted parka.

They had some ugly sweaters last season, but now there are 202 options. Once the NHL gets hold of something, you know it’s a) well past cool and b) never going away. The ugly NHL holiday sweater is your new Nickelback, and Bettman is not sorry.

Since they’ll be dusting these off annually until Ryan Nugent Hopkins looks at least 25 (so, 40 years for now), let’s see how the doomed (that’s us) will fare.

‘Merica

This Rangers sweater is too ugly even for the Rangers. It’s the belligerent flag of whatever America Donald Trump is trying to create. Is he the reviewer who gave it 5 stars? Who bought so many that it’s one of the few holiday sweaters NOT on sale?

Now with enhanced action puck

Black and yellow… snow. That’s the color of this yarn – faded pee. I bet it’s custom dyed, the NHL is so committed to making fetch this happen. On the bright side, if you’re buying a gift for the Penguins fan you want out of your life, it’s on sale!

It’s like he signed your chest.

Sweet sassy molassy. Did Toews approve this? Or did his contract allow the NHL to put his image on “urinal cakes or Christmas sweaters, but not both”, and he’d been hopefully searching for his face in every bar bathroom in Chicago? I hope they make this in exxxxxxtra-small for his dog. (That would be retail price, obviously: $79.99.)

Beep bloop.

The Blues sweater takes the 1980’s throwback look seriously – as seriously as a low-res tube TV with the color balance turned off. I can hardly see this thing, even while squinting, at yet its impenetrable color palette does nothing to lessen the overall horror. It’s like a really, really depressed R2D2, painted by Picasso.

Merrrrrrrrrrrrp

Of course, there’s also such a thing as too bright:

Sharp cheddar

FEW LEFT! But why? The orange color was recalled to alleviate a worldwide shortage of road cones? They ran out of the radioactive dye injected into bloodstreams to find heart problems? All I know is, I’m never eating carrots again.

What if you got this Bruins Bergy facesweater for Christmas:

Hello… FACE!

Is it so horrible that you’d buy this to wear over it?

Look into my B…

I’d say yes, but I’m pretty sure if you stare at that vest long enough, a 3D image of Bergy’s face leaps out and bites you. Just think: layers warm enough for a Boston winter, and just $113.98! Order yours today!

Please note Bergy’s facesweater is $8 more than Toews’ facesweater, which is the same price as Crosby’s. I bet this is how the NHL will conduct 2016 All-Star voting.

SHOUTY CAPS

This. This looks less like an NHL Ugly Lightning Sweater and more like something you’d buy in China, wherein all the pieces are known images and letters, but their combination makes no sense.

Smells like team spirit

Apparently lightning bolts were too non-denominational, and had to be replaced by reindeer. But panthers (that look like elephants) and coyotes (that, in knit, look like the poop emoji), are acceptable representations of Christmas spirit.

Why does the Florida one need to say Florida?

Not hurricanes, though. They get reindeered. Man, what do extreme weather phenomena have to do to make the nice list?

Intern Jeff’s office attire

Notice the NHL replaced the Predator with candy canes…

Official hockey team of IKEA

Presumably because the real Predator eats reindeer, and also opposes the NHL expansion to its home planet of Yautja Prime.

Mmm, candy canes.

It’s not just trends the NHL gets right every time. They always seem to have great women’s gear too! [sarcasm font] Check out these gems:

“Eyelash” style, because it feels like you have one in your eye.

They’re not out of focus, they’re fuzzy! Because the NHL loves us and wants us to be single forever  die alone  be warm and cozy! Which is why they’ve reduced the price from $80 to $40, for something I’d use to wax my car.

A really sharp eyelash.

And ugly sweaters are not just for humans. Oh no! The NHL wants to ensure that bears and monkeys have no friends…

Society for the Prevention of Ugly Sweaters to Animals

And they figure you might as well look frightening in the morning, since you woke up alone anyway.

You may be lonely, but at least you’ll be warm.

There are many more teams and options available at shop.NHL.com. In fact, two more items were added overnight, since I began this post. Someone is counting page clicks in single digits, riotously adding ugly sweater gear because someone – ANYONE! – has been browsing there.

Er, I actually like these.

Of course, if you’ve bought, gifted or received one of these items, you have gotten everything right. They are supposed to be ugly! This post is merely a testament to their success. And the NHL will keep them in fashion long after your favorite player leaves the team for which you bought a jersey with his name on it.

May you have many holiday occasions on which to wear your Ugly NHL Sweater, filled with cheer. Just watch the booze, because these patterns could take you from tipsy to trashed in the blink of a squinted eye.  You’ll end up slurring drunken hockey nonsense to anyone in shouting distance.

Which has never, ever happened to us.

I love hybrid icing! It’s like tag for slow people who are cheaters!

Finally, next year we suggest the NHL have a big marketing meeting to discuss how to continue selling nothing, ever, to anyone. Perhaps a brilliant, fresh idea will spring to mind. “Keep Calm and Crosby On,” anyone?

I hate that phrase far more than any sweater.

‘Cause, baby, now we got bad blood

Now, I could watch because I hate the Flyers. They always do just what I thought they would do. (Cue Zac Rinaldo.) But even being proven right gets old and I think I’m over it. The games are all reruns. My ragetank is full. What pours in now just overflows and runs onto the ground, a sad waste rather than a useful resource. I used to backhandedly relish every cheap shot and dirty hit by the Flyers, because they were always writing themselves as villains. Now I worry the Pens are one play, one lost cool, away from becoming that which I have always loved to hate.

Now we got problems

I could watch because rivalries generate high-stakes, hate-laced hockey simmering with the potential for glory and storylines that live in a fandom’s heart forever. The Penguins/Flyers are not that, not in a long time. Instead of reading like chapters in a book, their box scores read like rap sheets to be held against players in court.

And I don’t think we can solve them

A lot of people in our Twitter feed who were not watching said, “Sounds like I’m missing a good game!” They missed a wild one, for sure, but not good.  If you’ve ever been to Medieval Times and seen the jousting knights miss each other completely, only to “fall” theatrically off their horses as required by the script and rush into mock-battle, that’s what last night’s game looked like. Less mock in the battle, of course. But it was predictable, and even laughable at times.

You made a really deep cut

My interest might hold if the Penguins ever won, or if they were playing better hockey of late. Yet they can always be counted on to come apart against Philly. I used to do the same. It used to bother me that we weren’t winning games 10-0 based simply on moral superiority. But we play our worst against them, and they play their worst against us (which is the same as their best, because Flyers). It’s not fun. If the Pens had won in OT last night, instead of taking extraordinarily timed back-to-back penalties, I would have enjoyed a short revenge. But it wears off quickly now, harkening back to the awful 2012 playoff series that made me ashamed of hockey in general. (Obligatory reminder that I am not over James Neal’s behavior in that series and I never will be. Every time I despise a Flyer, my conscience rightly whispers, “Hypocrite.”)

And, baby, now we got bad blood.

I realized last night: I want to hate the Flyers the way I used to, when the games were at least a little about hockey and not just about bloodlust. When being right felt smug instead of sickening, and what happened on the scoreboard meant as much as what happened on the ice. Now, regardless of the outcome, I just feel dirty. My fight for this fight is worn out.

If only the Penguins felt the same, maybe they could win one.

That would be 18 penalty minutes in under 12 minutes of game time.  Mike Green: Time Turner.  Making time out of time that hasn’t happened yet because he has that many penalties.

If you have Game Center Live, you can go back and watch this.  I do not recommend the first period, as this was my reaction:

Instead, read this Russian Machine Never Breaks recap which softens the blow with gifs.  Or just laugh with the girl whose fiance scored 4 goals in the game.

That is one fewer than Mike Green took penalties, so there.  Nicky B had 5 points, because he and Mike always have to be matchy matchy.

Now no more of this, Mike.  The Caps have won 3 in a row and moved to 2nd in the Metropolitan Division… which is a bit like a Perfect Attendance Award, at 36 points overall, but there is still time to get hot and stay hot or just be Ovechkin.  Damn, he has a lot of goals.

That’s almost – almost! –  as good as holding a dog like an awkward baby.

After this awful hockey weekend, not even Mike Green getting 5 penalties in less time than it takes to make macaroni & cheese can get me down.  We love you, Mike.  We even love Ovi right now.  That was a sick performance but a man so gleefully parenthetical.  Four goal games make me want to madly punctuate things in place of emoticons.

That mess really did happen.  I’m disgusted in both teams because they are better than that. They have really made me mad.  Like flames on the side of my face mad.

These are undoubtable the best teams in the East and here they are playing bush league hockey like a bunch of thugs.   ARRGGGGH it just makes me so angry.

Since their meeting in the playoffs last year, the Bruins and Penguins have created a rivalry whose intensity has reached nuclear levels this season.  And Saturday was Chernobyl.

First you have Orpik’s hit on Eriksson.  Then Thornton’s reaction to said hit.  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get worse,  you have James Neal kneeing Brad Marchand in the head while he is down on the ice.

Orpik’s hit started the meltdown with his check on Eriksson.  From the replays, the hit didn’t look exceptionally dirty (he might have left his feet a little) but it was a devastating blow to the Bruins as it knocked the Bs left winger out of the game with his 2nd concussion of the season.

Then Thornton sent things to a critical level when he retaliated and took Orpik down to the ice.  Now I love Thornton…when he isn’t being a complete and utter moron.  He is a player that brings a grittiness and physicality to the game that should be appreciated. But I CANNOT abide by his actions on Saturday.

It is embarassing for not only the Bruins, but also for Shawn Thornton, and it showed in his post game interview.

He looks as if he is about to burst into tears at any time. No doubt a suspension is coming for ST22 and when it does, he will take his punishment like a big boy and hopefully put this entire debacle behind him.

And then we have James Neal.  Oh James, I thought you were better than that. Pants thought you were better than that.  She is wicked mad at you right now and you are going to have to work hard to get back in her good graces.

Also – you’ve been Shannaband.  Five games to sit in the corner in time-out to think about what you’ve done.

What we all need to do is take a deep collective breath and just calm the f*&^ down.  Stop the madness, people!

It seems to me that we are precariously close to forgetting that this game is all about. Especially the men that have the honor and the privledge to play this sport.  It is about using their emmence and awesome talent  to compete with dignity and grace.  It’s about sportsmanship.

Forgotten what that looks like?  Let Patrice show you.

Bergeron helping get stretcher out to Orpik

I hate the Bruins.  Chuck hates the Penguins.  And while there’s plenty to shout about the opposition in last night’s debacle, it left more than enough responsibility for our own teams.  Two incidents, two aggressors, two outcomes.  I’ll leave it to Chuck to talk about Shawn Thornton if she’d like.

On James Neal

I’ve always joked that “hockey is my boyfriend” but in a way, I’m serious – I am in a committed relationship with hockey.  I spend time with it.  Its moods fascinate me.  When we fight, I imagine leaving it forever and starting over somewhere new, but in reality I’m always coming back.  I have given my heart to the game, and in doing so have given this game the power to hurt me.

Boy, did last night hurt.

James Neal, I don’t understand you.  Personally, I’d be satisfied with a rise from relative obscurity to a marquee team, the ability to bang out 40 goal seasons and a chemistry that borders on magic with one the game’s very best players.  I would enjoy a run of 7 multi-point nights in 9 games, 20 points in just 16 games and the opportunity to prove I can flourish on my own, without Malkin at my side.  I’d check the standings and think the top looks pretty good, let’s maybe try to stay there.

So why?  What purpose beyond petulance does kneeing Marchand in the head serve?  This isn’t the candy aisle at Target and so an acceptable venue for your tantrum.  You don’t like the guy.  Neither do I.  But I do like hockey, the Penguins and winning – in that order.  On those topics I feel we must surely disagree.

Really good piece on last night from Days Of Y’Orr.

Roughing up Marchand is not your job.  If you want to volunteer for the task, by all means fight him.  You know he’ll go.  But hitting a defenseless guy is shitty.  Hitting him in the head is worse.  Doing it intentionally is revolting and then having the gall to lie about it… you should be ashamed of yourself.  I certainly am.  We have TVs, remember?  Those things that see the entire ice and capture moments forever?  Your post-game sadface lie was about as blatant as your intent on the play.

Having your infraction accompanied, if not overshadowed, by Shawn Thornton’s does not excuse it.  It does not mitigate.  In fact it compounds, like two cars driven by assholes straight into each other at high speed.  Twice the force of everyone’s stupidity, twice the impact on hockey.  I tried to think how I would feel if an opposing player did that to one of the Penguins.  A bag of animal crackers immediately lost its life and I decided no, I can still give other players the benefit of the doubt.  They wouldn’t do that, right?  Even if another one just did?  Maybe I’m naive and the game today has become something I can no longer defend.  I don’t know.  The only thing certain is that I cannot defend you.

Take a break, Neal.  Take your repeat offender status, your fine and/or suspension and sleep on the couch for a while before I decide if I’m taking you back.  This team put its faith in you.  Let’s see you put this team ahead of yourself and your ego.  The saying goes ‘It’s better to be lucky than smart,’ but if your success is based on talent, skill and ability – not luck – then I do not understand why you can’t be smart.

(Playoffs 2012: The last time I was really mad at James, for a similarly moronic series of actions.  My patience and forgiveness are not infinite, sir.)

I hate this about hockey.  I hate the culture of violence that  has gone from footnote to title.  I believe the rough stuff serves a purpose in the game and understand that role is hard to police.  It used to be that players did it themselves – “the code” everyone’s always tossing around.  You don’t go after defenseless guys, goons don’t run superstars and so on until you realize that’s moronic, they’re “more like guidelines” and you’ve been outsmarted by the two dumbest pirates on The Black Pearl.  It’s crazy to think of fighting as a privilege, so maybe it’s more like  weapon, meant to be used precisely and with care, only when required.  If you can’t use it wisely it will be taken away.  With power comes responsibility and right now the NHL requires no consistent responsibility from players, and so fails in that responsibility as an organization.

Suspensions should happen.  I believe the outcome of an incident should matter, but not more than intent.  Only luck separates injury from escape – it should not be relied upon to determine punishment.  It should be thanked and counted, then luck should be left for clanging goal posts and catching gloves, for seeing-eye shots and the moments with 0.3 seconds left when your team needs – no, deserves! – a goal, a tie, a win.  Luck should be for the game, not used as a get out of jail free card.

This hurt as much to write as it did to watch that game last night.  You guys know I love James Neal but I can’t stand behind this kind of play.  Nor can I be a fan who sees no fault in her own team.  No one team, even mine, is greater than the game.

Ugh.  Can someone please bring me the Oilers and a litter of puppies?

Last night, Tyler Seguin and Rich Peverley both scored in the shootout to lift the Stars over the Bruins.  Perhaps it is a little poetic justice for those two guys who had to endure the embarrassing and juvenile booing and chants each time they touched the puck.

Booing?  Really?  Why is that even necessary? I loveloveLOVE the Bruins but sometimes their fans are just exceptionally ridculous.

In case you’ve forgotten, Seguin and Peverely didn’t ASK to be traded from Boston.  Their departure from Boston was a product of salary caps and business strategies.

Now, I don’t pretend that Seguin is some perfect, sacrosanct hockey player.  He made personal and professional mistakes that didn’t help his cause and contributed to the ease of his departure, but Peverely – Really, people?  What did Rich Peverley ever do to deserve your ire?

For all those people who vilified them last night, how quickly you have forgotten these two were are part of the team that brought the Stanley Cup to Boston for the first time in almost 40 years.  How quickly you have forgotten that #19 sweater that you so eagerly purchased proudly declaring your status as a Seguinista.

Well last night’s shootout was just for you then.  You know that all your booing and chanting and general turpitude just made Seguin and Peverely even more determined to shut you up.  And they did.  So good on ya. WTG.

Now they hate us and never want to come back here and it is all your fault.

Side Note: World Series champ Mike Napoli was at the game.  His beard, people.  It is glorious. I’m in love with him it him.

After a withering glare, and admitting to the 2-2 series score, he asked if I thought the Penguins would still win.

Yes, I do.  Of course I do.  They’re my team.

My optimism took a beating last night, and I couldn’t even see the game.  You know what shit sounds like on the radio?  Shit.  I won’t be using the DVR either, preferring to pretend it never happened and the Penguins aren’t doing the walk of shame back to Pittbsurgh in a stolen t-shirt with one broken high heel.

I also don’t want to see the fracas at the end.  A seething pool of frustrated rage still boils in my core over last season’s face plant first round loss to Philadelphia. If we are approaching that low, I’d rather just close my eyes and crash.

Regardless of these last three games, I believe in my team.  I believe they can turn this around.  The Islanders are playing very well, and much credit to them.  They never say die.  But the Pens are playing very poorly.

If the Isles’ best can still only manage goal-for-goal shitshows against the Penguins’ worst, then all we need is not their worst.  Right?  Anyone, math?

So, what is it that keeps up hanging on when things look bad?  Is it the knowledge that anyone can win any game on any day?  Do the agony and ecstasy of competition make this ancient struggle poetic?

Yes and no.  I don’t want to be epic, I just want to win.  For me, optimism is a mix of believing my team is better (than they’re playing now) and some Stage 5 cocktail of denial and dependency, spiked with stubbornness and a paper umbrella.  Tell the bartender to keep ’em coming.

Of course the Islanders fans believe as much as Penguins fans – probably more, and they deserve it.  I’m insanely jealous of the fun they are having.  Still, optimism doesn’t care who is at the other end of the seesaw trying to toss me off.

I’m holding on for dear life.  Or Vokoun.

Seriously – VOKOUN.  We can believe in Fleury after we believe in winning this series.  Bylsma, the whole team is a hot mess but you’re getting one goal leads.  Give the guys a chance to make them stick!

Oooh, I’m getting psyched again thinking about it.  Come on, Game 5!

I’m a publicist in real life, which generally leads me to desire a talking ban on everyone until their comments have been approved.  But that’s my dream world.

Last night, Duncan Keith made a probably sexist, definitely stupid remark to a female reporter after the Blackhawks loss to Vancouver.  From Puck Daddy:

• Keith: “What did you see?”
• Thomson: “Well, there it looked like there was a penalty that went undetected. You seemed a bit frustrated.”
• Keith: “Oh, no. I don’t think there was. I think he scored a nice goal, and that’s what the ref saw. Maybe we should get you as a ref maybe, hey?
• Thomson: “Yeah, maybe. Can’t skate though.”
• Keith: “First female referee. Can’t probably play either, right? But you’re thinking the game, like you know it? Seeya.”

This woman has likely heard worse on her way from the car to the rink, and she even Tweeted jokingly about it renewing the rivalry.  While I don’t think Duncan Keith hates women or any such nonsense, the part about her gender is so intensely stupid, so conversationally desperate that it makes me see red.

Also, in general it’s a good rule not to be a dick.  Sure, he’s frustrated.  The Hawks have only lost 6 games all year and he clearly has no idea how to handle the rampant devastation that results in crying himself to sleep on a giant fucking pile of money.  Since a single game loss is so eviscerating to DK, so obviously a sign that he cannot perform his job, then no wonder he thinks this woman can’t do any job at all.  Ridiculous, right?  Let’s be equal-opportunity jerks, at least.

Sarcasm – it’s for everyone!

Continuing this trend, Tyler Seguin used the phrase “no homo” in a Tweet yesterday.  Then he deleted it.  Hahaha – as if that ever worked. From SBNation:

He has since apologized for the reference.  It’s offensive, of course, but one of those phrases so widely used that I doubt he thought anything at the time.  He should have.  He wasn’t delivered by stork to the Bruins locker room yesterday, so he should know better than to put something in the kind of writing that you can never erase.  Just because he used a discriminatory term in a casual way doesn’t take away it’s meaning – even if that’s not what he meant.

Tyler Tweeted two apologies… I’m going out on a limb to say he only wrote one of them.  Left the period off the latest when cutting and pasting, for authenticity.

Then there is Matt Cooke.  Increasingly demoted from true asshole status over the last few seasons, if this story from Puck Daddy is at all true, then he’s on the list today too.  The source is so suspect that I believe Matt gets a pass.

That is when the Pens’ offence sprang to life and took advantage of some uncharacteristic mistakes by my beloved Bruins.  Pens scored 3 goals in under 5 minutes and went on to defeat the Bruins 3-2.

Now, I’m not making excuses [because there is no crying in hockey] but the Bruins did play night before in Ottawa and then had to hop on the plane to Pittsburgh.  Fatigue had to factor it at least a little bit.

Bruins’ #2 goaltender Anton “Dobby” Khudobin got the start and was stellar against the Pens’ potent offence.  Didn’t catch the game? Just check out the video clips here.  Most all of the saves clips are Khudobin’s.

Dobby has save after save after great save.  He was strong and aggressive in the net, especially on the Pens’ 5-on-3 when things could have got real ugly, real fast.

I can’t fault him for the loss because the 3 goals that the Pens did score were all good goals.  And really when the Pens score against you, pretty much all of their goals are good goals.

BTW – Dobby & dimples. It’s a good thing. 

Dobby make saves.  No allow goals. Dobby happy.

I love Dennis Seidenberg as a player and think that he is seriously underrated.  But last night’s game was sweet and sour for our favorite German.

He made a ridiculous play to save a goal…then made a ridiculous mistake that was the final nail in the coffin for the Bruins.

Hockey gods giveth and hockey gods taketh away.

Yeah, I know how you feel buddy.

This was definitely a game that the Bruins could have won.  They only but 16 shots on Fleury and with the way he’s been playing lately, this was a missed opportunity.  They should have peppered him with shots, sent Lucic in there to crash the net, and screened him all night long.  Had they done that, the outcome might have been very different.

Seguin’s goal was tres impressive.  (Watch it here.)  Being able elevate the puck like that while moving away from said puck – Skillz, people.  They don’t teach that in school.

Over the last few games, Seguin seems to have found his groove. He’s skating well, finding the puck, and looks like his scoring touch has returned. Add to that the great play of his line mates,  Bergeron and Marchand,and the Bruins’ 1st line is just chugging away like a little train.  Choo Choo! All aboard!

Bruins vs. Pens face off again this Sunday, March 17th.

This time, we’re gonna have the luck of the Irish on our side.

The Caps are so frustratingly bad right now that I swore I would not go tonight’s game.  Despite taking 8 penalties in the first 34 minutes of last night’s match vs. Toronto, they managed to drag a one goal lead into the third period… and still blew it.  The postmortem is here – you’ve been warned.

So I’m boycotting.  Save money, right?  Make sound financial decisions while being warm and well fed in the comfort of my own home?

Trouble is, tonight is against the Flyers.

Pam is right, of course.  I’m so weak!  To make matters worse, the Flyers have conspired against me.

Danny will play on on Claude’s line tonight [link].

Supposedly it’s an attempt to kickstart the Flyers anemic offense, which is averaging just 2 goals per game and currently ranked 26th overall.  Last year’s leading goal scorer Scott Hartnell is out 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  No Philly player has over 5 total points.  They’re 2-5 on the year.

Okay, it’s bad.  But it’s still just a cover story to make this possible…

… and to make sure I have to go.  What does Claude think of this?

.gif by firedupflyeredup.tumblr.com

It’s Date Night in DC.  [Giroux interview – Briere interview]

The trouble is that I don’t want the Flyers hugging!  Not against the Caps, not against anyone – except the Rangers, and then I feel a general, tidal sort of rage that could swamp anyone in it’s path.

I don’t want to see a ‘strolling across your devastated defense’ arm-in-arm…

Or a ‘nice try, Jeff Schultz’ fist-bump…

Nothing.  Not even reenacting this best gif ever:

Can the Caps get it together?  Neuvirth was the one bright spot last night – he stopped a few beauties, kept his team in the game.  Perhaps it’s the right recipe: the Caps biggest strength in goal vs. the Flyers biggest weakness on offense.

At 1-5-1 on the season, the Caps need something to go right.  Tonight kicks off a 3-game home stand that includes the Penguins on Sunday (whoop!) and a rematch with Toronto.  Tonight could be the night.

That’s what I’ll be telling myself later, from the Flyers side of the pre-game skate.

Today the Rangers posted this article to their website.  Read it, then come back.

A Girl’s Guide to Watching the Rangers (screencaps @SI_sarahkwak)

Cue Berserker Rage.  The article earned a near-instant pile of negative comments and a Tweetspolosion.  An hour later, it and the Ranger’s Twitter posting for it, were deleted.

Remember this commercial?

Yeah, that doesn’t work.  Bless the Islanders fan who saved the whole thing.

People have always underestimated women and sports – even other women. Even Claude Giroux.  (Really this Giroux article is gross.  They didn’t even pick him as hottest Flyer though he lowered his standards for them. Let that be a lesson to you.)

This link title: How to Make a Sports Fan Like You

Sports Illustrated once did a “Puck Bunnies” slideshow gallery of female fans with signs, then quickly took it down. (Puck Daddy)

Girls have been trying to understand “guy things” forever.  I started playing World of Warcraft when I met my husband, and I interrupted a few raids by loudly wondering how my manna got so low and why the eff it took an hour to run across the Alterac Mountains.  Then I stopped, because I hated it.

It angers and frustrates me that a hockey team would publish this article.  They quickly pointed out the author is a “contributor” not an employee, but I say: you post it, you bought it.  The NHL struggles to win new fans (and not lose the ones they have) – can they really misunderstand so badly how to reach out?

Women might be unfamiliar with a sport, but we’ve been learning things for just as long as guys have.  If we want to learn, we ask someone who knows.  Even the Girl’s Guide encourages asking the boys.  So why, in our quest to become fans, would we start with instruction from someone who admittedly is not one?

This story suggests we’re somewhere between dumb and lazy, with really bad timing.  That sports obsessions should be shunned as “alpha-male” because they’re “exhausting” and we need time to get really excited about “70% off sales.”  Hmm, she’s already insulted the very people we’re trying to hang around.

It also says that being familiar with Henrik Lundqvist will make us want to watch him play.  If all we know about Hank is that he plays guitar while looking flawless, watching him play is probably low on the list of things we’d like to do with him.  Not to mention that stupid, giant goalie helmet is all blocking his face like the whole time.

Now, I know we are girly – even fangirly.  But that’s our angle and you’re in on the joke.  We’ll post pictures of Henrik and Co. all day then go home and watch two games a night.  I’m watching one right now.  It’s pretty impossible to understand a post here without at least a working knowledge of hockey.  Our commenters and WUYS friends are some of the smartest, most loyal and observant fans we’ve ever known.  Yes we appreciate the scenery, but we love the game.  Girls can do two things at once.

If a woman wants to get into hockey, we welcome her.  We love her.  We might even open her eyes to some new, ahem, talent.

Here’s how we suggest she join in all this fun:

Don’t be afraid.  You’re not stupid, you’re new.  Everyone learned sometime. (Unless you’re me, I still can’t drive a standard transmission.)  Channel your inner Stuart Smalley: You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, you might like hockey!

Watch a game.  A whole game, just you and the TV.  Follow what you can. Remember what you can’t.  Then try a second game with someone who knows hockey, and ask questions.  Why start in a room full of howling super-fans?  How intimidating.  If none of those boys will sit through a game with you, lovely lady, reconsider your venue.  There are plenty of guys who would.

Pick a team.  Maybe they play nearby, maybe your dad likes them, maybe they’re the Penguins because you’re smart and awesome.  Whatever works. Then look up your team – not just roster photos (God, no).  Watch a few YouTube videos and highlights.  Read a magazine feature, they tend to be written for a broader audience.  Email us, we’ll make you a primer.  Put a face, a goal or a fight with a name.

These Rangers fans know better than their team.

Keep asking.  My husband likes hockey, but doesn’t follow it.  Last night I flipped to the Oilers/Kings game during a 5-on-3 situation.  He wanted to know, “If the power play team scores, do they get one man back or both?”  Perfectly good question!  Can they ever have a 5-on-2?  A 4-on-2?  Are you lost?  So are a lot of other people, even some wearing jerseys.  There are new rules that even the players hardly know yet.

Have fun.  Don’t do this for the boys, or even snacks.  This isn’t Mean Girls and you don’t have to like hockey just because other people do.  If it’s not your thing, we understand.  I hate basketball and Quentin Tarantino movies, that’s just the way it is.  My husband still plays Warcraft.  I still like hockey better.

Hopefully you’ll get hooked, proving  yourself wiser and cooler than any guide that underestimated you just for being a girl.  Then come on back here,  because we’d love to have you.

Or rather one man and one very adorable intern.

Chocolate Iced is the sole voice of reason in this estrogen-filled den of hockey immorality.

While he might not post often, when he does, he brings a certain wisdom and insight that we appreciate and value.  Not to mention the math skillz we lack.

Hi there.  Chocolate Iced here to give you the skinny on unfortunate lack of NHL hockey at the moment.  Everything you wanted to know about the nuts and bolts of the current NHL labor dispute can be found here.

In 2005, the NHL and the NHLPA (the players’ union) negotiated a collective bargaining agreement (“CBA”) that put in place a so-called “hard salary cap” for the first time.

You’ll recall that this CBA was reached only after the entire 2004-2005 season was lost to a lockout.  At the time, the salary cap was the main issue, with the owners essentially claiming that the players made too much money and the skyrocketing player salaries needed to be reigned in.  In the beginning, the salary cap was set at $39 million per year, per team.  That salary cap has crept up, until this past season it was set at $64.3 million while the salary cap floor, or the minimum a team had to spend, was $48.3 million.

So, you might be thinking that the owners effectively triumphed after the ’04-’05 lockout with the cap.

And they did.

Except they didn’t, according to themselves.

Under the terms of the same CBA that just expired on September 15th, the players were entitled to 57% of last season’s hockey related revenue generated by the league.  Now, the league claims that this figure, 57%, needs to be reduced because many NHL teams are effectively bleeding money and player contracts are out of control.

I know what you are thinking.

You’re thinking, “Aren’t the owners the ones who give these huge contracts to players?”  And you’re also thinking, “Wait, doesn’t the league have record revenue right now of over $3.3 billion (US).”

The answers are yes and yes.

The owners essentially want to pay the players less, far less, than the $1.87 billion the players were paid in the previous season and save themselves from giving out big contracts to players.  The league’s initial offer would have the players earning 43% of hockey related revenue.  The last offer from the league had the players getting 49% in the first season of the CBA and then backing down to 47% as the CBA expired over 5 years.

This would effectively have the players giving back millions of dollars to start.  There are also a few tweaks to free agency that the owners want (10 years of service before a player is eligible for free agency, elimination of arbitration, etc.), however the money pie and how big of a slice the players get is still the main issue.

The players for their part, are not interested in giving back money to the owners, unless that money will be used by the league for revenue sharing to assist weaker small-market teams.  You know, those teams that the league claims are bleeding money.  The union effectively wants to ensure that the players get no less than the $1.8 billion they got last year.

The players’ last offer was a little complicated, but essentially they want to take a 2% increase over the $1.8 billion figure in the first year, a 4% increase from that in year 2, and a 6% increase over that in year 3.  After that, it gets a little nutty so I won’t get into that.  What’s key though, is that the players have positioned their numbers based on 7.1% revenue growth, which is what the league had after the last work stoppage.

Over the course of 5 years, the two sides have a difference of around $1 billion.  The 7.1 % revenue growth is important because that’s a big “if.”  There are no guarantees that the league revenue will grow at that rate going forward.

At the end of the day the players want to ensure they keep at least the $1.8 billion they received last year, and the owners want to reduce that figure upfront.  Unfortunately there seems to be no end in sight to this dispute.  It seems that both sides have some room to give.

I hope they figure out how to split up their $3.3 billion sometime soon.

Contact CI at chocolateiced@outlook.com.

This lockout is ruining my life.

Actual photo.

If I had any strength left, I’d throw something.  But this video leaves me broken.

On my right shoulder sits a sad little panda.  That panda, which strongly resembles Mike Green, is pouting because both the NHL owners and players make a lot of money.  If I stay in my current job for 30 years, I will make less in that time than an NHL rookie at the minimum salary who plays just two seasons (then retires).  The panda hears millionaires arguing with billionaires about taking away his bamboo snack pile and feels helpless.

On my left shoulder is an angry little bear.  He also looks quite a bit like MG52.  He sees a League so stubbornly desperate to expand its fan base that it risks losing the fans it already has.  The bear appreciates the optimism of expansion teams and the tenacious insistence that a hockey team can be popular anywhere.  The bear loves hockey!  But he is smart enough to know that hockey is a business.  To prosper, it needs to profit.

Now read this letter from the NHL, and tell me you don’t want to punch someone in the face.

Bettman’s egomanical plan for NHL middle-market domination has hurt the League.  There are successes, like Nashville – 20th in attendance last year, they out-sold Colorado, NJ and Dallas (link).  Winnipeg was a beautiful move because they don’t even care if their team wins!  They go for the love of hockey and they know what it’s like to go without.  Well done, NHL.

I adore these people.

The failures, though, are where Bettman is setting his own house on fire.  It’s easy to scapegoat Phoenix – even if it’s true.  First in their division, last in League attendance.  How many more ways are there to count?  I hate to say that, because their great fans will feel the loss of their relatively new team as acutely as any of us would feel the loss of a long-standing franchise.  Just because the Coyotes don’t profit doesn’t mean they are not loved.  But the NHL is dragging around dead weight, funneling money and talent into an enterprise that has had it’s chance to flourish.

If you open a restaurant and no one eats there, it closes.  The hardest part of that truth?  Few people even notice.

The Coyotes are certainly not the League’s only problem, they just leave the biggest streak of flaming peril across the sky as they plummet toward Earth.  Columbus barely out-sold them and now they’ve lost their biggest draw.  When Nassau Coliseum collapses around the Islanders, it can aim for the empty seats.  The Devils made the Cup Final, let’s hope they can sell more tickets next season.  I mean that sincerely – the Devils should never, ever be on moving block.

Everyone listen to Sarah!

Explaining the lockout to non-hockey fans is tough – they’re all pandas who see money on all sides.  They’re not wrong.  But I put it this way:  Watch Newsies.

The NHL makes money off its players.  The NHL gets a portion of that money to run its business, re-invest in its future and, of course, profit its ownership.  That’s business.  The NHL does not have the right to waste that money and then ask for more from the players.

Throw away your own money.  Better yet, stop throwing away money at all.

The only people who want hockey more than the fans are the players.  The only people who want money more than the players are the owners.

I hate math, but even I can tell the players interests are closer to my own, though either way I’m getting screwed.

That is his sorry face.

I don’t just want hockey back, I want it to last forever.  I’m with the players not only because they are the ones sweating and bleeding for hockey.  Their plan is better.  They have the clout to force the NHL to change this awful business model.  Maybe the fans could do it, but will we?  Will we boycott hockey when it comes back?  Flex our monetary muscles and buy no tickets, merch or viewing packages?

Maybe you can.  I can’t.  It’s weak and feels shitty, because I know everyone is taking advantage of me.  But if the game is on, I’m in.  Always will be.

(PS: Guys, I’m so depressed. I couldn’t even try to be funny.  Please read this Puck Daddy post, including the comments.  These people have rebounded faster than I after being effectively dumped on a Post-It Note.  Linsday’s favorite reply: “I’m surprised this video wasn’t Landeskog, Reimer, Crosby, Toews and Backes singing “As Long as You Love Me.”  That would work on us, if it included a folding chair dance routine.)

Sigh. That does help a little.

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?

It’s not that serious, but I’ve got a recurring problem: every time I hear the Rascal Flatts song “Banjo,” I get really excited and start rocking out in my car.  It’s a good 30 seconds before my brain remembers, “ACK!  I don’t like Rascal Flatts!  That guy’s voice drills my brain!”

This is the same experience I have when Danny Briere scores (minus the dancing).  I don’t like the Flyers!  His voice gives me the creeps!  Yet I still get really, really happy for him.

AAGHHHWHAT?! I know. Just listen: he scored 16 goals this season.  As in all year.  He has 8 goals in the playoffs – as in the last three weeks!  Five were vs. Pittsburgh and each was a nail in my coffin.  Now I have more perspective.  It’s like walking into the gym after a late night, looking at the treadmill and thinking, “This is going to hurt.”  I’ve accepted that it’s going to happen, and happen often, so I might as well get something out of it.

I’ve been saving this till you were all buttered up over Claude.  Briere’s kids are adorable and everyone’s hair is too long!  It’s like a Disney movie waiting to happen – somebody sweep in and make these guys a meal with vegetables!  (Giroux moved out, but he’d probably come over for free dinner.  You might have to feed Couturier too [link].)

I’m not saying Danny Briere will be drafted by my fantasy hockey team composed entirely of hot dads.  Chuck hates his beard and that whispery voice.  But he’s kinda Lord of the Rings-ish, no?  Legolas by way of the Shire?  He looks like he’d be good with a bow and arrow.

Speaking of Flyers I don’t like but can’t help enjoying – I mean Hartnell in just this one case.  And when he falls down.  Maybe I should make a list!

SBNation.com credit

For Linsday, here’s Giroux in another episode of Things That Are Also Orange:

The sun could be considered orange, and these legs need to see some of it.

I still want New Jersey to win, and for Foxy Friday Parise to keep a) losing his helmet and b) scoring goals like last night.  I’m not completely insane, just turning into a softie.  My only excuse is that I’m traumatized by the playoffs and need a trip to the quiet room.  Bright colors and a good old-fashioned Cinderella story are clearly distracting me.  I’m even giving myself the “Hall of Shame” tag for this lapse in good judgement.

First off, the score.  Can ANYONE be bothered to cover Danny Biere?  He scored two in game one, remember?  You could have landed a plane on him in the first period and the Pens defense would have wondered why it got so windy.  It would explain why Fleury was flapping like a screen door in a hurricane.  After this complete lapse, the Penguins had no one to blame but themselves for the score on the board.  So they got angry.

No need to recap this for you, and I can’t bring myself to do it anyway.

The brawl in the first period was ugly, but it could have turned the game.  Even Sid & Gingeroux put their money where their mouths were – and then some, screaming at each other from the penalty boxes.  Channel your rage!  There was still hope, right through James Neal’s second period goal to make it 4-3 Flyers.  The Penguins were scrambling and stumbling but the score was close enough.  Except the poor play and bitching kept on coming.  I hate the Flyers too – today was more about the Pens sinking themselves.

Bylsma swapped out Fleury for Johnson to start the third – way too late in my opinion.  Clearly a fight had not had not rallied his team, I think he should have tried something else a lot sooner.  Johnson didn’t fare much better though and it was 7-4 Flyers less than thirty seconds later.

The third period of this game will make me sick to my stomach for a long time.  The only guys I could even look at are the names you didn’t hear – Matt Cooke, Richard Park, uh… Geno because he was invisible today.  Everyone else was already on my sh*t list and to top it all off, this:

Neal, you had two great goals. You kept the Pens on the board when they weren’t in the game.  Then you laid out Coturier with a cheap shot –  leaving your GD feet to do it! – when the game was out of reach.  You accomplished nothing except the impossible: making this awful game worse.  Now you’ll be suspended.  Enjoy watching the last game of the season from the press box, dummy.

Truthfully, I’d ground this whole team.  That is not how you redeem a bad start to the series or to this game.  That is not how you react when your backs are to the wall.  That’s not even hockey, it’s a street fight.

Game four is Wednesday.  Can a team come back from 3-0 down to win a series?  Of course (you’re talking to Red Sox fans, here).  Can the Penguins?  Dear God, I hope so.  But not if they bring this team to the ice, and who knows if anyone will be left by Wednesday.

Post-game today:

Dan Bylsma [link]

“We don’t want to be involved in those situations against this team.”  Too bad, jerks.  You courted it today and got what you asked for.

James Neal [link]

“It is what it is.”  It’s you getting suspended, hothead.

Sidney Crosby [link]

“We’re playing playoff hockey.” Am I on the wrong channel? Because I think that means helping yourselves win.

UGH.  I’m exhausted and gutted from this game.  My apologies for the rant if you’re a Pens fan who handled today better or felt less aggro toward them. I love the Penguins, but those were not the Penguins.  I can’t blindly love a team that behaves this way.  If another team came at mine like that, I’d be calling for their heads.  Now it’s time for my team (and me) to be responsible for ourselves.

No question that’s a dirty play.  Daniel Sedin struggled back to the bench, played one more shift then went to the dressing room [link].  Keith got an elbowing minor and now everyone fully expects him to be suspended.

Shane Doan just got Shanabanned 3 games for elbowing Jamie Benn [link].  Mike Green served 3 games.  But this looks more like Rene Bourque’s hit on Nicklas Backstrom (grrrrrrrrr) that earned a 5-game suspension.  Both Borque and Doan are repeat offenders – this would be Keith’s first suspension.  (Green’s previous suspension was more than 18 months ago, so not classified as a repeat offender – link.)

The NHL has not yet announced a hearing, but with four days till the Hawks play again there is no rush.  Sedin will be re-evaluated today in Vancouver and any sustained injury considered in the case against Keith.  Henrik Sedin spoke after the game, saying Keith “did what he wanted to do” [link].

The Canucks are comfortably atop their Division and could still catch St. Louis for 1st in the West and the President’s Trophy [standings].  That dream takes a dive if they lose Sedin – their only 30-goal scorer on the year.  They play tomorrow night at Dallas.

Doan and Keith have both been publicly contrite about their hits [link], but who cares?  Time to start thinking before you get your elbows up, boys.  If you can’t do it for safety at least do it for your teams down the stretch.  But really, do it for safety.

And this won’t help.  Mike Green has been suspended three games.

I would be lying if I said the idea of Brendan Shanahan yelling at Mike on the phone didn’t give me the giggles.  I picture it like the principal yelling at the detention kids in The Breakfast Club.  Mike’s all of the guys, of course – the nerd, the jock and the bad boy with the soft heart.  He’d wear your earring, if not for that helmet.

Pooh Bear, why?  Keep your damned elbows down, this isn’t a Fall Out Boy emo pseudo-mosh pit!

So the Capitals will face Boston, Toronto and the NYI with Fidget on defense.  It’ll be Hamrlik or Erskine taking his place today.  I hope it’s Erskine – have you seen the Bruins?  Yikes.  I don’t want Troy Brouwer fighting all the Caps battles, because he scores 75% of their goals.

Godspeed to the Capitals today.  Chuck and her boys will show no mercy.

An open letter to Mr. Leonsis,

I say this with as a fan of Alexander Ovechkin, first and foremost, and then of hockey.  When you fired Bruce Boudreau, a little piece of me died because no matter how the mainstream media spun it, we all know that it was because of player issues – e.g. Ovechkin.

Boudreau is a great coach. He will probably be the best coach you will ever have. He was not the problem. We all know “What the problem is with the Washington Capitals.” The real question is what is going to be done about it?

For five years I’ve watched Ovechkin go from a great player to a player with a great attitude. It pains me to say that but having been an athlete myself on a team, and a captain as well; you have to lead by example.  

I had hoped Mr. Leonsis would have bucked the system and shook things up by NOT firing Boudreau, showing some loyalty, having some balls, and fixing the real problem. If he had, his team may have actually had a shot at the play-offs. Sometimes the Alpha dog needs a good swat to the nutsack to get back in line and lead the pack.

But as it stands, the fans have watched Boudreau excel in Anaheim, their beloved team implode under the tutelage of Dale Hunter’s mess and Ovi still stands around on defense, stands around on offense, waits for his teammates to pass the puck to him and still misses it when they do. His attitude that he has to do it all has got to stop because guess what? He can’t, he certainly doesn’t and there are guys out there who can and are doing it better now.

He still has time on his contract where he can be traded. Perhaps before you fired Boudreau you should have used that bargaining chip to get your Alpha dog back in line. Now he’s the Rick Nash of the East Coast. No one will want that bad golden apple, no matter how good it might taste. He’s still too costly, you don’t know how he’ll perform and there still might be a worm in there somewhere. It’s not an imponderable conundrum. It’s just a conundrum.

FIX IT. PLEASE.

 Missing BB,

DC

It’s great to see Backstrom doing anything these days.  We have not heard that he’s skating or even working out, though he looks energetic here.  Apparently iCarly’s dorky high-five doesn’t count as contact.

As happy as this makes us… Nicklas, we need to talk about your pants.  John’s are excellent color and fit, plus “distressed” or “vintage” if you must.  But yours… is that stonewash?  With black shoes?

They could almost be skinny jeans – I’m not really even sure how you got them on over those legs.  If they’re borrowed from Ovi, you should give them right back.  Unless you’re trying to make that girl in the head-to-toe shamrock romper feel better about what she wore to work.

There are certain things we’re willing to put aside for the love of hockey – Mike’s problem with ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re’ and James Neal’s personal pronoun confusion.  But these jeans and that camouflage Under Armor on Matt Duchene are close to the line.  You’re so perfect and European but even we have limits.

Regardless, we love you.  Come back soon.  Wear hockey pants, they look weird on everyone.