It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

With an eye toward both winning and grooming, I’m going to go out on a limb and say my team is the best looking.  I drafted…

Tazer’s boyish good looks and sheer force of will.

Nealmobile’s hair, wrist shot and inability to put on a button-down shirt.  Which is like drafting all the points Malkin scores too.

This.  Both parts.  Didn’t even have to ask.

Bradley Cooper Ryane Clowe, in case we need an extra E or a water rescue.

Danny Briere’s perfection and all those damned playoff goals.  I’m not sorry!

I got these two, since they were flirting on Twitter:

Including the way iCarly peers out from under his visor.

And MDZ because even though I hate NY sports teams, I’m an NY girl at heart.  Plus Nash will need assists on his 200 goals.

My team always needs one Staal and one Ginger.  Done and done.

I also got Doughty’s, um… well, Dawn’s love for him.  Personally I think DD is overrated but his beard was aces.

Flower.  Because sometimes you need a string of F-bombs or a ballerina spin.

Since we’re probably stuck with that volleyball game for a month or two, I also drafted the NHL 2012 Prom Court.  They didn’t sign your yearbook, but you still think about them in homeroom.

Jeff Skinner’s intern-ness and celebration hugging skills.

Gabe Landeskog’s, um…

What was that?

Oh yeah.  And his celebration falling skills.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins’ hair (lookout Nealer) and sheer potential.  (Same age as Gabe.  Honest.)

Finally I drafted a chaperone to be in charge of this show:

Teemu has been in the league longer than Gabe & RNH have been alive.  This could be his last year and I can’t let him go out like that.

Plus, someone has to buy these kids beer.

I’d say this team is a win whether or not they ever get to play a game.  Apologies to anyone I yelled at during the draft… no, I take that back.  You’re going down.

Sid: This is Captain Tiny Pockets, reporting live from… wait, what is that?  Neal, Tanger, are you seeing what I see?

James: Uhhhhhhhuh.

Kris: Busy checking out #18 there, in his plaid jacket.

Sid: Oh my, ladies and gentleman, we’re not really sure what we’re seeing here, but it appears to be approaching.

James: Look away, it won’t notice us.

Kris: I’m staying over here, brown elf shoes are not good for running away.

Sid: It’s come much closer now and we’re able to make out that it’s, well… is that what we think it is?

James: If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.

Sid: Yes, yes it is.  We have confirmed it is Max Talbot, arriving for the B Movie Horror Convention at the Baltimore Airport Holiday Inn.

Max: Hands in pockets, this is how you do it.

Sid: No, we’re receiving reports he is actually here for the wedding.  He’s getting closer.  Neal, what plan of action do you suggest?

James (backing away): Allow it.  I look much more handsome and gigantic now.

Sid: Since he’s wedding crashing, let’s get an exclusive interview with Max.  Talbot, WTF are you wearing?

Max: This is my wedding suit.  If I take off the bow tie, drunk bridesmaids think I’m the priest and start confessing all kinds of stuff.

Sid: They won’t let you in the church dressed like the Devil.  Have you gone down to Georgia?  Brought a fiddle made of gold?

Max: You’re wrong, Romeo.  Girls love dastardly-chic.  They’re all going to get on this drunk bus, and you’ll have to walk.

Sid: You are not invited to my wedding, Max.

James: Empty threat.

Sid: Shut up. Here are Flower and his bride!

All of us: Sigh.

Jordan: Flower! Hey Flower! Turn off your cell phone!

Vero (looks at Brent Johnson): I don’t think that’s necessary.

Heather Staal: Jordan, you said I would be the only one wearing Canes red. Damn it, Max!

Sid: Ladies, please. We have a live satellite transmission from the Russian forest.

Geno: Здравствуйте!  Sorry I could not be there, my date was not allowed on plane in traditional Russian wedding garb.

Sid: Is that a Vespa on your shirt? Oh, nevermind.  Here come the bride and groom again.

All of us: Gorgeous.  Both of you.  Adorable French babies who can spin like ballerinas, now please.

Sid: That’s it for our live broadcast, thanks for joining us.  See you next time with… James?  James?  NEAL!  (Drunk bus beeps as it passes, Max at the wheel and James waving from the window.)  Oh that’s it.  I’m trading Paul Martin, I don’t care how many omelets $5 million makes!

(All photos credit to 25stanley.com)

DRAFT DAY!

As much as we would LOVE to hold our very own Combine (Running! Jumping! Flexing!) and rent out an arena in which to hold said draft, we just can’t.  WUYS doesn’t actually make any money (yet).

So to help you create your ultimate fantasy hockey team, I put together a listing of my top 75 players fantasy players, based a number of statistical categories.

While I was tempted to take into consideration the statistics of  foxiness, awesome hockey hair, and hug-ability when compiling these rankings, I decided just to go with the good old-fashioned stats.

Pants wanted me to add a category for squatting ability and derpness…but I had to veto that.

I am the Commish, after all.  I have the power.

Before drafting your players keep in mind that our league is a “Head to Head – Points” league.  This means that teams are matched up weekly and each manager tries to accumulate the most points from each statistical category.  In our league, points will be earned as follows:

Forwards/Defencemen Stats

• Goals (G) = 3 pts
• Assists (A) = 2 pts
• Plus/Minus (+/-) = 1 pt
• Penalty Minutes (PIM) = 0.5 pt
• Powerplay Points (PPP) = 1 pt
• Shots on Goal (SOG) = 0.4 pt

Goaltending Stats

• Wins (W) = 4 pts
• Goals Against (GA) = -1 pt

Each team will consist of 2 centers, 2 right wings, 2 left wings, 4 defencemen, 2 goalies, and 4 bench players (from any position).

For those of you who are new to fantasy hockey, you can use the list below to help you decided which players you want to draft.  But you don’t have to.  You can pick whom ever you want.  Full list of all players available for the draft can be found at http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/1325/draftanalysis

The teams are set.

Bieksa’s Got Back.  Gator Goldfish.  Joey the Jr. Reporter.  Shut Your Five Hole.  Don’t Toews Me!.   I Laich It Hot.   El Coop.   I Like ‘Em Skinner.   Easy Being Greener.   Dave’s a KILLER!.

10 teams will enter…but only one will get Toews.

WUYS Fantasy Rankings

1. Steven Stamkos, C
2. Alex Ovechkin, LW
3. Daniel Sedin, LW
4. Henrik Sedin, C
5. Corey Perry, RW
6. Henrik Lundqvist, G
7. Martin St. Louis, RW
8. Roberto Luongo, G
9. Nicklas Backstrom, C
10. Bobby Ryan, LW
11. Pavel Datsyuk, LW
12. Anze Kopitar, C
13. Sidney Crosby, C
14. Evgeni Malkin, C
15. Jarome Iginla, RW
16. Pekka Rinne, G
17. Jonathan Toews, C
18. Tomas Vokoun, G
19. Brad Richards, C
20. Patrick Kane, RW
21. Tim Thomas, G
22. Ryan Miller, G
23. Ilya Bryzgalov, G
24. Shea Weber, D
25. Mike Green, D
26. Zdeno Chara, D
27. Zach Parise, LW
28. Henrik Zetterberg, LW
29. Antti Niemi, G
30. Ryan Kesler, C
31. Iyla Kovalchuk, LW, RW
32. Jeff Carter, C, RW
33. Eric Staal, C
34. Ryan Getzlaf, C
35. Carey Price, G
36. Drew Doughty, D
37. Patrick Marleau, LW
38. Rick Nash, LW, RW
39. Marc-Andre Fleury, G
40. Dustin Byfuglien, D
41. Alexander Semin, RW
42. Corey Crawford, G
43. Joe Thornton, C
44. Keith Yandle, D
45. Lubomir Visnovsky, D
46. Jonathan Quick, G
47. Mike Richards, C
48. Nicklas Lindstrom, D
49. Dan Boyle, D
50. Jimmy Howard, G
51. Claude Giroux, RW
52. Thomas Vanek, LW
53. Patrick Sharp, C
54. John Tavares, C
55. Mikka Kuprusoff, G
56. Duncan Keith, D
57. Danny Briere, C, RW
58. Dany Heatley, RW
59. Matt Duchene, C
60. Kris Letang, D
61. David Krejci, C
62. Milan Lucic, LW
63. Jeff Skinner, C
64. Christian Ehrhoff
65. David Backes, RW
66. Loui Eriksson, RW
67. Martin Havlat, RW
68. Marian Gaborik, RW
69. Vincent Lacavalier, C
70. Brent Burns, D
71. Ryane Clowe, LW
72. Joe Pavelski, C
73. Cam Ward, G
74. Johan Franzen, RW
75. Marian Hossa, RW