It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

Girls Love, Double Date Edition

That’s right – pre-mumps Crosby and Geno, part-time models.  You know I live for shots of Sid putting on his jersey (3:15 mark, someone gif that please).

Does this video make my shoulders look broad?

Put this January issue on your Christmas list.  (A lot of my Dear Santa items are Penguins-related.)

Our office holiday party is in 24 minutes, so I can watch this a few more times.

Mister(s) January

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

If you can’t hold a puppy or a baby, the next best prop for maximum cuteness is Evgeni Malkin.  I swear, if I baked a cake and that cake took a shelter dog for a walk under a double rainbow if could not be more adorable than this:

Unless it was this – Malkin gives Neal one more hat .   And I am a chalk outline on the ground.

Is that a 71 GENO shirt? I want that.

Nealmobile had a good weekend.  He scored the OT GWG on Friday night [video], had a hat trick and  5-points last night, didn’t attack anyone, etc.  Geno, who’s sidelined with a knee injury, is also making excellent use of his time.

Here’s last night’s goal-fest:

It was Neal’s 4th career regular season hat trick (plus 1 vs. Ottawa, 2013 playoffs).  The girl who threw her bra on the ice after Taylor Hall’s 4th career trick was not in attendance, but I’d rather have Geno’s hat anyway.

While it’s true that the Pens PR team is killing it here, and James is obviously reading this blog for additional strategies to win back the hearts of fans, mostly he’s reminding Pens fans (read: me) what he does best: have great hair.

Intermission Hair of the Millennium

I’m kidding!  He scores goals.  He wins games. Helps a team that always seems to be down at least one superstar reach, and stay at, the top.

The Eastern Conference took so long getting ready for these standings that we almost cancelled our date.  Now the Pens are only 2 points out of first, the Bruins are right behind and even the Bolts, after 7 weeks without Stamkos, are in the top 10.  We may be late bloomers but we’re looking good today.

More post-game from last night in which James tries not to be too excited over playing alongside Crosby, lest Geno get jealous.

In case you’re not sold on Malkin, allow us to present:

Evgeni Malkin takes a shower.

Translation & behind-the-scenes video at Puck Daddy.

Yes, that’s Evgeni Malkin, Part Time Model.

Foxy Friday: Evgeni Malkin (Sept 2012).  During the lockout, I calculated it was 16,392 miles from my house to where Geno was playing in Russia.

And the coup de grâce: EvgeniMalkinwithAnimals.tumblr.com.

Since pretending to work is pointless today, enjoy some more Pens coverage. Hopefully you’re off tomorrow to see the 1 PM game.

• Sid talking hockey after his GWG.  Zero antics, predictably. [video]
• Poor Dan Potash.  If he’s not getting every interview interrupted by a crazy Russian Muppet, he’s getting taped to his camera guy by an enthusiastic French goalie. [video]
• Newest episode of In the Room, where Neal is mic’d, he & Sid bicker and Geno makes nice (3:00 mark).

Happy almost 2014!

Also, as a Pens fan, I know that life without Geno is a cold, sad place in which James Neal scores no goals.

I could (and might) look at pictures of Evengi Malkin all day long.  How does one guy have so many hilarious photos?

There is some room for debate here (more commonly know as The Michael Phelps Dilemma).  Is Geno hot or not?  Sometimes you get this:

And the next minute it’s this:

But mostly, I think of Geno as:

And definitely:

After all, Geno has a lot going for him. He led the NHL in points last season, which earned him the Art Ross Trophy.  He also won the Hart Trophy as NHL MVP and carried off the World’s Best Acceptance Speech title at the same time:

If you’re not squeeing, you are a robot.

Geno works hard:

Plays hard:

And brings his cute friends around all the time.  What more do you want?

Admit it, you’re jealous he’s not on your team.  Speaking of teams, in a world where Crosby fears to touch anyone (he’s a Confessor, a la The Sword of Truth series), Geno hugs EVERYTHING.

Heck, he’s even hugged Ovi.  All creatures great and small love Geno.

Don’t forget Geno’s sense of humor, because girls want a guy who can make them laugh (on Twitter).  Do parentheses mean something else in Russian?  He and Ovi both go crazy for them.  During the World Juniors:

Perhaps Geno’s greatest accomplishment is to be engaged in a bromance that actually makes me jealous.

No really, they are in love.  Geno was a huge part of Nealmobile’s 40 goal/81 point season, which must be why he thinks James is so lazy.

Watching them on the same line is so perfect, I’m like:

Moral of the story: When Evgeni Malkin says “I’m score,” he doesn’t just mean on the ice.  He means in life.  Awards shows:

Ugly sweater contests (and ugly t-shirts, ugly shorts – more photos):

Last man still dancing at a wedding:

And brightening the lives of children by identifying Russia on this globe.

He’s pretty perfect, right?

Totally.

So there you have it – Evgeni Malkin, Foxy Friday.  GIRLS LOVE.  You can argue with popularity… but you’d be wrong.

Geno is playing actual hockey right now in Russia, for Metallurg Magnitogorsk.  He had a goal and two assists yesterday.  SIGH.  Keep an eye on Twitter for live feeds of most of the games, and turn up the Russian to really make your boss wonder what is going on.

If you’re on wondering where that is, here’s part of the Google Maps directions from my house.  Very helpful.  (The earth is only 24,901 miles around, surely it would be shorter to go the other way?)

What are your shorts?  What is your hat?  I can’t even come up with a name for the thing around your waist to ask what it might be.

The orange trucker hat really does it though.  Malkin is like that crazy aunt who wears wacky outfits and is always smiling, always bringing candy and making you wish you were a nicer, happier, more fun person.

I can never see Geno being Geno and not have my day improved dramatically.

Geno Tweeted this picture.  I’m voting Geno for President at this point.

Staal, Fleury, Letang, Malkin, Crosby

You can watch the highlight video [link] and bask in the combined happiness of these guys.  No one bothers to ask Geno why he’s wearing Ovi’s jeans.  Watch Sid take the ice… we see you looking.

Flower’s all self-deprecating and Kris defends his hot workout video after Sid calls it fake.  If that’s the magic of Hollywood, count us in.

Sid wanted to be a firefighter when he was younger.  We’d be burning down the office every week.  And this – better than Christmas:

Classy Dan also spoke to the crowd [link] and so did GM Shero [link].  This was after Sid participated in a controlled scrimmage at practice today [link], and looked pretty damned happy about it [link].  I swear he drinks a gallon of milk a day.  Just looking at him makes me want to take vitamins.

You may recall that Jordan was mad about my Hawks-centric post before their game the other night.  He shut me up with two goals on the way to a 4-1 win.  Well he heard about the Caps Convention yesterday and put me in my place again with this shirt.  We’re buying him one for every day of the week.

Geno with Sid and Duper.

FREE HUGS!

Is this even real?

I have a special dance lined up for the moment Geno takes the ice this season.  It’s a little bit like the Elaine from Seinfeld, which is how I picture Malkin dancing, mixed with some Time Warp.  If Sid’s there I will throw in a kick circle.  Just you wait.

There’s nothing like a built-in white shirt underneath your other shirt, especially if it’s a scoop neck.

Geno is the most endearing person in the whole world.  If he were a puppy, he would have to be multiple puppies to handle all the hugging.  And all the t-shirts I would buy.

The scar looks pretty gnarly, but glad to see that Geno is getting in shape for the season.

99% of the time, I think he looks like a villian from a James Bond movie but dare I say, he looks pretty good in these photos.  Handsome, even.

Wow, never thought I’d actually say that…

Anyway…

Now that Geno’s back training, what about Pants’ future baby daddy, Sidney?  Could he be far behind??

I've got Game ..mad game.

Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are UFA’s  in 13/14 and 14/15 respectively? I was shocked by this – seeing that the golden goose and face of the NHL would be free to wander and check out other goods sooner rather than later.

I'd buy that for a dollar!

Ovi is locked and fully loaded with the Washington Capitals for 13 years and a bajillion dollars (ok – 124 million to be exact) signing one of the most lucrative contracts in the NHL to date.

I've got game too ...

So why didn’t Sidney sign one of those or Malkin put his “X” on the dotted line? I assume they had. Why didn’t Pittsburgh run after them with some big bucks and long-term contracts to secure the dynasty?

oh and what's a day without a picture of Ovi shirtless ...

Now with both of them having suffered some serious injuries between a possible career ending concussion and those knee knocking splits … you gotta wonder. Who got the better end of the deal on this?

Looking at Pittsburgh and their salary cap,  it seems they don’t believe in long-term contracts with anyone! Poor J. Staal maybe looking else where soon too! Pittsburgh maybe coughing up some major cash.

Oh and you know I can’t mention the Penguins without saying WHAT’S KRIS LETANG BEEN UP TO? – stuffing his gorgeous face:

I'll have what's he having ... TYVM.

And if you want to check out the status of your favorite player:  http://nhlnumbers.com/.

excuse me, pardon me, coming through!

I think not! Hot Mop and more. Plus I found this nugget of Malkin and since I will grudgingly admit I like him too, here ya go. But this still doesn’t make me a Penguin’s fan for the record. Just so you know. I bleed red, white and blue – CAPS! Ovi forever. Except ok, Letang really does it for me. I can’t help myself – OBVIOUSLY.

that would be me from behind - stalking!

really? was this necessary? but nice legs!

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Evgeni Malkin will undergo surgery Thursday to repair a torn ACL and torn MCL in his right knee, the team announced Wednesday.  Malkin’s rehabilitation will take six months, and he will be ready for the start of training camp in September, General Manager Ray Shero said. – NHL.com

Apparently Geno texted Dan Bylsma simply, “I’m sorry.” That really makes me want to cry.  Then I found this gem and felt a little better.  Nothing compares to Malkin for goofiness.

Laser cat?

But still.  CRAP.

First off, Malkin just injured himself AGAIN – YES – AGAIN. He went into the boards and hurt himself in the second period against Buffalo as I am writing this. He will not be finishing the game and now maybe not the season. UPDATE: He is out with a torn ACL and MLC. Here is the current update.

Secondly, Fleury released his own cereal this week. Yes, that is not a typo. A cereal. So now you have the Flower for breakfast. I would obviously rather have Mr. LeBang but in a pinch, Fleury Flakes just might do. If you want to order your own here’s the link. You can get a snappy shirt too.

shove it in your mouth - i dare you, you little bastard

It evidently is all our fault? um .. yeah. I'll take it.

can't let a day go by without a photo of his hotness

ignore the princess on the left - fleury is adorable!

I think Geno and Crosby should just come clean like Zetterburg and Luongo and say, “I just don’t want to attend. Thanks but no thanks .”  Which leads to a whole other discussion, should there be an All-Star game? Because with the All-Stars dropping like flies – what does that say to us fans? It sorts feels like the ultimate F-You –  D-listed like the entertainment. Dissed and disrepected.

knee looks good to me