Canada is getting everything right lately. First, they elect
Patrick Sharp Han Solo this guy Prime Minister. Then they offer to run for President of the United States. And in case they don’t win, they invite us all north for 4 to 8 years. And now, this:
Kidding! Okay, not really. An in-goal wine rack? If you went inside my brain like Being John Malkovich, you’d find yourself climbing one of these. Somebody get the creator of this miracle a Nobel Prize.
Also, Cnada provided us with this, courtesy of the Vancouver Canucks:
— Vancouver Canucks (@VanCanucks) February 24, 2016
Mamma mia. Lip sync battle is the greatest entertainment invention since the Puppy Bowl, and that’s even when Beyonce doesn’t show up. It’s also the highest art form I participate in daily. From my car.
Now, let’s be honest. I don’t know who any of these Canucks rookies are. And I am generally terrified of potential humiliation, so watching this was not easy! But I know all these songs and I must say, these guys nailed it.
Jake Virtanen did Alan Jackson’s “Chattahoochee” in a pair of pants that maybe fit him in high school. Good thing he didn’t pick a song with any booty-dropping or we’d have seen somebody’s Chattahoochee.
Jared McCann (hi cutie!) went straight for our own hearts with some BSB. God, I love this song. It makes no sense – are they happy? Sad? They never want to hear us say we want it that way? But I thought they did want it that way?
Typical guys, with their mixed messages and wearing all-white in airports.
Ben Hutton went all out with his choice of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.” He was approximately a fetus when this song was released (okay, he was 4), but clearly this musical milestone resonates across the generations.
Admit it, you were worried at the start of Ben’s number. We were on the fast track to this for a hot second….
Until this happened.
Last, in the always-unfortunate slot after someone unbottons clothing, Sven Baertschi hit us with some Marvin Gaye. He doesn’t really know what the host is saying, or what the words are, or that he’s dressed like AJ McLean, so I assumed he’d be the one singing Backstreet Boys. Throw is some skating-ish dance moves and you’ve got yourself a fine performance, friend.
There was no winner, though I think Sven had it in the bag with his turtleneck and chain. Did he confuse Marvin Gaye with The Lonely Island? I almost hope he did. I also hope more teams subject their players to forced participation for our amusement soon. Right after they give Chuck and I a good twenty minutes with that goal-sized wine rack.
So, in summary, you should vote for Canada. They’re the country of hockey-themed liquor cabinets and freestyle dancing by untrained white men. If that’s not the place for me and Chuck, then just leave us the wine.Tags: Vancouver Canucks